Title: Experiments; or; It doesn't pay to be Orochimaru's Top Minion
Genre: Humour
PG / K+
: 'Naruto' and any recognisable characters do not belong to me.
Summary: On what happens when your master keeps drinking his own experimental concoctions, and why it doesn't pay to be Orochimaru's top minion. A piece of silliness from the author's strange brain, featuring our beloved Orochimaru and Kabuto ;)
Excuse the trite title - I am horrible at thinking up new ones!!

A/N: Actually less than 2000words (1311 words to be exact) and no misery, doom or gloom? I must be turning over a new leaf! :p Well, actually I'm not, but this has been lying on my desktop for ages, so I decided to upload it. A spur of the moment thing, which the author hopes is at least vaguely amusing - Enjoy!




It Doesn't Pay to be Orochimaru's Top Minion



Kabuto had just settled down to take a nice cup of afternoon tea and a quiet read (1000 Fun Ways to Dismember Your Enemies Without Making a Mess) when he was disagreeably jolted out of his contemplation of article 413 by a sudden high-pitched scream.

Now, high-pitched screams are quite common in deep, dark dungeons full of state of the art torture-chambers and deranged or mutant shinobi, but this scream had a particular tone to it, which Kabuto immediately recognised.

'Orochimaru-sama!' he cried and immediately dropped is book and ran to the rescue. He burst into his master's room ready to face any horrors present but stopped at the sight which greeted him. Orochimaru was standing on a chair, delicately holding up the hems of his kimono and looking around nervously.


'Kabuto?' his master looked ready to cry. 'Kill it! Kill it!'

'Of course I will master!' Kabuto immediately got into a fighting stance, ready to destroy the… the… oh dear... He pushed his glasses up his nose and coughed embarrassedly. 'Orochimaru-sama? I...What am I to kill?' he inquired nervously.

Orochimaru looked at him in sheer disgust and Kabuto flinched beneath the severity and contempt of his gaze. He swore to himself to re-check his lenses as he was unable to see something his beloved master thought was patently obvious. Orochimaru breathed through his nose before bursting out. 'The moth dear Kabuto, the moth!' he hissed, flailing his arms up in the air.

Kabuto paused.

There was something Distinctly Fishy about the situation. Evil Snake Masters as a general rule, were not supposed to be afraid of moths (standing on chairs holding up the hems was a pet affectation of this particular Evil Overlord and did not particularly worry Kabuto as something out of the ordinary.)

Kabuto coughed softly. 'Pardon me, Orochimaru-sama, but did you drink anything… unusual today?' he murmured.

Orochimaru sniffed. 'Don't change the subject!' He looked distinctly huffy. 'I'll drink anything I like, thank you very much!'

Kabuto sighed.

So he had.

Really, it was very hard when your superior drank his concoctions without testing them first. They're called experiments because you don't know how they will turn out. Easy.

But Orochimaru, for all his intelligence was remarkably impatient, something which Kabuto had learned at his own expense. For when there were no guinuea pigs to test on, Mr-Don't Bother Me I know Perfectly Well What I'm Doing- Orochimaru would simply drink his brews himself while the long-suffering Kabuto was left to clear the mess.

What had he done to deserve this?

Well, apart from that thing.

And that.

Yes, and that too.

And when… All right, he got the point. Now would it please let it rest?

He was unpleasantly interrupted from wrestling with his conscience (trying to choke it with its own tongue was proving difficult) by a sudden wail from behind his left ear. Turning slowly, he saw Orochimaru twirling a strand of his hair and pouting. 'I don't like moths,' he was informed. 'They're icky.'

Icky? What in the name of all that was evil had his master drank?!

'I'm sure they are, Orochimaru-sama,' Kabuto soothed. 'But we'll get rid of them all soon enough!'

Orochimaru started blankly at him. 'Get rid of what?'

'The m..'

'AH!' Kabuto jumped and Orochimaru giggled. 'Gotcha!' he sang, twirling around, making his kimono swirl before starting to wriggle his behind to the beat of a song he started to sing.

It was at times like this that Kabuto was glad that they had no permanent minions around. Seeing one of the fearsome sannin dancing around and singing would have been embarrassing and rather difficult to explain. Even harder would be the cleaning up after he'd have to squash them flat like bugs - loathsome bugs - for witnessing his master in such a state.

Then again, if they had minions, they would have had to swallow what Orochimaru cooked up, and if the experiment was a failure, they'd just kill them.

Kabuto watched as Orochimaru bunched up his hair and gyrated as he wailed out some strange lyrics sounding suspiciously like 'Like a virgin' or something of the sort.

Kabuto trembled. His nose twitched and his fingers itched. The need to…no, the unholy desire to take a picture was overwhelming, overwhelming. Just one little picture. One little itsy-bitsy picture…

Bad Kabuto wrestled with Very Bad Kabuto and won. Barely. And only because he had a sneaking suspicion that he would not live very long after Orochimaru discovered it.

But his fingers itched… oh yes they itched…


Kabuto blinked. 'What?'

Orochimaru slammed his fist on the wall. 'That big-arsed pervert!!'

'No, no, no,' soothed Kabuto, with uneasy visions of Oroochimaru rallying forth in this condition to beat Jiraya senseless. He thought of Jiraya's face, and was half-tempted to let him go, but then remembered that as it would in all probability result in Orochimaru being killed or worse, being made a laughing stock, o he regretfully squashed the thought down. (Really, he was becoming proud of his self-restraint – a lesser man would have broken down in front of all these temptations)

'I MUST KILL HIM!' Orochimaru was frothing at the mouth, eyes glazed and unseeing and proceeding towards the door at unparalleled speed.

Oh dear. This did not bode well.

Kabuto ran after him. 'But Orochimaru-sama,' he pointed out panting as he caught up, 'if you kill him, you won't know how Icha-Icha Paradise will end!'

Orochimaru paused. 'Hmm,' he said.

'You'll never know if Rei managed to seduce Muzugi,' Kabuto continued temptingly.

Orochimaru scuffed at the ground with his sandals. 'I don't like Rei, he muttered sulkily. 'Too big and busty, like Tsunade-bitch. Little miss know-it-all.'

'Well then, we'll never know if Rei gets killed by the giant snake will we?' Kabuto said gaily.

Orochimaru brightened up. 'I'd like that,' he said eagerly. 'Maybe I should write to Jiraya-baka and ask him if he'd write it up that way!'

Oh dear.

'I don't think we should do that,' Kabuto said hesitantly, 'You see, it might…'

Orochimaru burst into tears.

Kabuto was flabbergasted and immediately felt remorseful. How could he have denied this small pleasure to his beloved master?! He put a tentative arm around the sobbing Orochimaru and patted his back. 'There, there,' he murmured uncomfortably, 'I'm so sorry I…'

'I spent nights with that lecherous toad!' Orochimaru wailed. 'They made me share a tent with him for years!' That would probably account for a lot, reflected Kabuto, as he handed a clean hanky to Orochimaru who honked in it loudly.

'What would I do without you?' Orochimaru whimpered as Kabuto made shushing noises and fussed around him 'You care about me don't you, Kabu-chan?' Orochimaru asked tearfully. His most beloved servant smiled brightly, feeling that years of devoted service had been finally repaid by the acknowledgment of his master's dependence on him. 'Of course I care about you, Orochimaru-sama!' he exclaimed huskily. 'I would do anything for you!'

Orochimaru snorted. 'What a sad git,' he muttered snidely. Kabuto stiffened. 'I most certainly don't need a wimpy-looking minion like you,' Orochimaru continued snarkily tossing his head, unaware of Kabuto's darkening gaze, 'and most certainly not a four-eyed, shock-headed runt with a chubby belly that protrud…'




Orochimaru woke up feeling undeniably queasy with a mind-numbing headache and a huge bump on the back of his head.

Funny. He must have hit his head when under the effect of his new potion...

A pity he didn't remember anything.

He'd have to ask Kabuto about it.


Hope this was amusing, and please note - there was no offence intended to Kabuto or Orochimaru - I like both characters myself... :) Comments are loved ;)