Author's note: I wanted to try something less binding with form to mimic a coin toss. Meaning that a half of this story is satire, and the other half romance. These two topics are loosely tied together, but exist in separate parts without overlapping. It's what makes labeling the story Romance/Humor justified. The satirical part depends on wordplay, and using a Parody label would have been misunderstood. Please, all of those that want to help me improve, try Smile, which is more up to date. Thank you for the understanding.
Disclaimer: the uploading author does not own Sonic the Hedgehog or other trademarks related to SEGA or Sonic Team.
Hooking up is hard…
It was another eventful day for our hero, Sonic the Hedgehog. Yes, the sky blue mammal has once again thwarted the evil doctor's plans for world domination, using an automated flicky flipper, and saved his bulky head from Knuckles' mighty fisting.
Knuckles was endangered since the day he hatched. Possibly because foraging for grapes on a floating island was no backyard worm digging for the kid. The fact he was also the only known and publically acceptable member of his species that was not a cyborg could have also made chances for survival slim. Naturally, this has always been an influence for his temper. Having stuck with Sonic for a long time, he could feel the temper strings short-circuiting into tantrums easier by the day. It wouldn't take long until he'd be Mad Knucklehead, the dreadlock cousin of a warehog. Stretchy arms not included.
He didn't actually remember what ticked him off this time. Judging from past fights, Sonic must have told him to get a life, or a girlfriend, which was actually the same because an echidna can't mate with glowing emeralds. The suggestion of replacing it by Rouge threatened the hedgehog's Nike logo-shaped smile with loss of brand value, and some teeth.
The echidna had given an oath in a language close to gibberish English to guard the Master Emerald from all that intend to besmirch it with his or her foul breath. Sonic and his chilidog addiction brought the hero's breath on top of the foulness pile. Joints cracking, the red island's owner got ready to serve his anger and protect its undefined personal space. Sonic wouldn't violate it. Never.
Knucklehead's obsession with the gem was fairly obvious to everyone who met the guy. It was the first thing he would always talk about while showing a slideshow with the rock shown from different angles. To further enrage the ill-tempered egg-laying male, Sonic decided to mock the living daylights out of him for nothing's sake. Knuckles swore from that very second to become Sonic's personal torture. What fun!
However, any promise the red grape lover had could only last as long as his head focused on thinking. This was an immensely difficult task, as the instinct to guard Master Emeralds occupied most of his brain cells. Speaking of which, Sonic was very lucky with his friend's intelligence, just like his own. One yellow fox had once examined their IQs, now held as a two-digit secret from the public. After all, Knuckles used an emerald for a best friend and Sonic could smile like a garden gnome. More freaky facts would make the heroes downright scary. The mentioned fox also had to hide the fact that Sonic wore socks at night – a total and utter fashion no-no since he had no pants.
Amidst the run around Knuckles' zooming fists that hit everything except the hedgehog's schnozzle, Sonic remembered that he'd have to leave the island for a fragrant oniony bite to eat sooner or later. The rumbling in his tummy made him think about the first option. Sadly, his swimming abilities were only good to reach the bottom of a kiddy pool.
Getting off an island surrounded with water sounded more than difficult. Knuckles' noxious anger fumes didn't help either. That red vision of frontier ill-temperedness just kept playing pin the knuckle on the hog. One blow had almost sliced the hedgehog's prized cotton swab tail in half! He had to think, maybe even fast, for the first time in his life, because becoming mincemeat didn't appeal to his one-dollar smile. The massacred cerulean tail wasn't happy with Knuckles' company, too.
Waiting for him to get bored was an obvious failure: the echidna could swing his fists for hours non-stop. Sonic thought modern grape juice with extra sugar had to take the blame. The guardian must have taken an extra dose recently, because within the next second he managed to corner the blue blur near a very long drop down.
A horrendously satisfied grin complimented the sparks in Knuckles' eyes. He was about to give the blue hedge a few painful facial implants.
Looking at his doom at front, and a bottomless pit of water behind him, Sonic begged for a miracle. Someone upstairs must have answered his call, as amidst the scary ocean's waves floated a perfect means of escape: dry, yellow and mobile – a rubber boat!
"See ya, emerald bumper!" Sonic's heroics sounded as he rolled down the cliff, getting slightly smudged with soil, rocks and nettle bushes.
Knuckles was happy. The hedgehog couldn't tell why or how it became possible, unable to notice that he had peacefully assimilated the pain his friend wanted to scrub him with. Sonic's bruising was effortless, general and free. In addition, the blur's fatal aiming abilities caused a total success at not fitting in the boat. A lovely ten inch miss, cleaning his fur off the soil, and glazing those tired eyeballs with very salty water.
"H2O?! No, no, no!" screamed the traumatized hero.
Not only did the phobia of sinking like a ship help him ignore the stinging pain given by nettle bushes, but also made his eyesight temporarily immune to romantic nuzzles brought onto his noble green pupils by salty fluids.
Somehow, in a matter of five minutes, with no company to see him, Sonic managed to jump onto the yellowish raft, away from the unfathomable three-foot watery doomsday pit. Breathing heavily, slipping down onto the deck, the hedgehog grinned, rubbing his sore eyes with wet gloved hands. Immediately, in five seconds, realizing that the pain is only worse, he took the hermetic gloves off to rub those tired eyelids with soft, warm and, most importantly, dry fur.
Falling off a cliff didn't hurt that much, considering the isle had to dock on the surface while the forsaken Chaos Emeralds Knuckles dedicated to his one true love rock were there. So now he had time to recuperate, look at the marvelous sheep-like clouds in the sky, and feel safe once more. The raft, rocking him on calm waves, crashing into the mountain, was soothing and offered a neat experience for the senses.
"Someday I will win my ultimate battle! I'll get Tails to bottle you, ocean, so that not a single drop can harm innocent bystanders like me," he swore, feeling the stamina return to his body, slowly creeping up from his toes.
Alas, it was not the stamina he wished for, as Amy Rose, his remote girlfriend had double-handedly locked him in an ultimate pink cuddle. Sighing, only after opening his eyes, Sonic noticed that the sensation was not brought by his heroics. Tired and still reliving an encroaching watery three-foot-deep death, he couldn't lift the pesky addict.
"What are you doing here, Amy?" he asked, setting his arms to her sides to somehow peel the lady away from his bare torso. It led to catastrophic failure, which resulted in a caring squeeze, making the hero squeak.
"Huggin' my pet," the pink female hedgehog giddily replied.
"No, I mean, why are You here?" he asked over.
"Because you are, too, silly."
This started to feel lame, "Fine… How did you know I was on the island?"
"Well… Tails, what a great buddy he was, gave me a little radar," she announced, taking a little display from within her purse. A flicking Sonic icon right in the center of the screen. "It showed your cute bling-bling right near the rock Knuckles is in love with. I figured you'd get him mad soon, so your friend was kindly allowed to transport me here with a life-saving device," she explained, getting comfy on top of the male.
"You mean the boat?" he perked up a semi-visible brow.
It made her frown. "I mean myself. I saved you from that idiot! Don't I deserve a reward?"
Things did not go according to plan. "Why?"
"Because you're annoying," he acknowledged, with a nod and a huff to strengthen the impression.
"Got eleven more reasons?" she asked, making it obvious that the plan is still failing.
"My head hurts…"
Amy smiled endearingly, before laying a kiss on his forehead, "I'll make it all better. You don't even have to do anything."
Sonic blushed a bit, hoping to goodness that it would stay unnoticed. "Look… Just get off," he ordered, pushing her off to sit up.
She saw everything, but let the boy have his way around, yet again. Silence roamed between them, while the hedgehogs felt reluctant to look away as if their lives depended on it. Bored with the situation, Amy decided to break the ice, like always.
"Now what?" she asked, drooping in the saddest way she'd learnt.
"Now we oar to mainland!"
Amy looked at the vividly vast sea separating them, "It'll take a while."
"Or call Tails for help."
"He's in hospital."
Sonic gasped at that remark, worried about his fragile two-tailed sidekick, "Oh no! What happened?"
"I think one of his tails is broken, so all he does is swirl. He couldn't even walk upright during the last five minutes I've been visiting him," Amy admitted, putting down every detail in an almost honest way.
"I bet Eggman's behind this!"
She grinned, safe from her witless fella. "Tee-hee. That's right!"
In the meantime, Amy slid up close to her hero. "Why don't you start oaring, blue blur?"
"Yup! They don't call me that for nothing," he grinned in the name of Nike, grabbing the necessary objects to start the little voyage. It was exactly what the girl wanted.
She spent twenty minutes being idle, just eating him with her eyes, gazing upon every detail. His hands worked in perfect accord, rhythmically pushing the raft shorewards. The hedgehog's eyes were completely occupied with land's image, close, yet so far away. The male's arms didn't work quite as fast as his legs, which he admitted to himself sourly, but Amy's hopeful smile melted the rigid emotion away. Oblivious, Sonic began putting more force into his job, making a grumbling noise to indicate the effort.
Seven PM. The sun hung just right to make their shadows merge. Sonic couldn't notice a single peculiar detail about the trip, or Tails' misfortune. The female decided it was time.
"Sonic?" she asked shyly.
"Yeah?" he grinned at her in response, still happy with dry land in his distant future.
Amy sighed, making his heart beat in terror of what was about to come, "Why do you keep rejecting me?"
He chuckled. "I told you – you're an annoying stalker."
"But that's what you always say. You've been saying it for three years," Amy wailed quietly, sensing that Sonic was speechless, lending her the stage. "All I wanted is to be close. I just need you... You must be tired of it, but I can't do anything to help the feeling." She sighed painfully, now gazing into his troubled irises. "Sonic…" she whispered.
He gulped, now looking back at her. "Y-yes?" His heart pounded, the arms ceasing to move, feeling heavy, as if turned to stone.
Sonic saw what was happening in the depths of his mind, but his body couldn't do anything. He was never in a situation like this: surrounded by water, with only the one lady who cared about him. Pushing her overboard sounded unfriendly, and dangerous, he thought. That was what he had to do, and should have done.
Though, didn't. The instance her arms wrapped around his furry torso he felt paralyzed, more speechless, the pulse pounding on the sides of his head. When her head reached his chest – her happy smile, so full of that undying hope and a relaxed sigh, vaporing with her rosy scent – the weight turned immense. He felt like toppling over and hiding into the ground to dodge this. Someone else was listening in on his heart, spying, reading whatever his soul had written up to that moment, and there's nothing he could have done to stop it.
On the one hand it was a good friend. On the other, that freaky fangirl, now kissing his chest, tugging his heart to blare out its sound. He wished it would stop. His dignity, his male pride, everything he thought was worth living for simmered away, sucked out into that feminine touch. Sonic's chest rose quickly, the hero finally gasping for air, and unable to get enough, submerged in something more perilous than water.
She ceased the wondrous torment, having found her cue. "Will you be my boyfriend? Just this once?" she asked, making his eyes seal shut, unable to bear what was happening.
He felt powerless, ignorant, prude. And he couldn't give in! It was wrong to say "yes". What would his friends have said about it? But the offer seemed so alluring… Though, give up? To...eww! A woman?!
"Nobody will find out," she said, smiling at a question he never asked. "And I won't tell if you won't," the female added, swirling her fingertips at his neck.
"I…" he stuttered, trying to think, do anything but feel her to have a sober masculine perspective. Nothing worked. His brain refused to cooperate, leaving him at this girl's mercy. He shut his eyes, dropping the oars. "I won't."
Amy smiled, reaching her lips up to his, defenseless and fully hers, so ready to belong. It was something he'd never forget. It was what she wished for, and what he'll have to desire from now on.
…yet fun to try.