Ars Amatoria

Chapter One

Summary: Kakuzu will resort to any means to rid himself of Hidan. Even if it means seducing him. Kakuzu x Hidan.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the respective characters.

Warnings: Language and yaoi.

A/N: I never thought there would come a day when I would actually write Kakuzu x Hidan yaoi. While I love the two of them absolutely, the idea of the two of them together somewhat repulses me (even though the pairing is warming to me while I write XD). But I promised my sister I would write something for her, and the first thing she said was "Kakuzu x Hidan YAOI!". Hence why this story exists.

Enjoy the first chapter.

When it came to punishment, Kakuzu was a firm believer in good old-fashioned pain.

It worked in his favour, certainly. Interrogation was an important skill in his line of work and nothing could loosen a tongue more than a demonstration of what he could do to a spleen or kidney, and how many creative uses he had for a spine. His former partners could certainly attest to that principle, having each incurred his wrath and receiving a broken neck in return. Or being beaten to death with their own colons, which was one of his tried-and-tested favourites.

Yes, Kakuzu would admit that the punishments he gave out had the nasty habit of turning into murder. And perhaps he was out of line – just a little, of course.

But it was hardly his intention.

He never meant to kill them. It was hardly his fault that they were weak in the first place, because really, was ripping out a kidney such an excuse for a shinobi to die?

Of course, his leader was never satisfied with this feeble explanation. And Pein (being Pein and a miserable, spiteful bastard with nothing better to do) had settled on a unique punishment that would inflict the worst physical and mental torture on Kakuzu.


The ingenuity of this plan would have escaped even the Nara boy from Konoha, and Kakuzu was forced to admit that his superior was the leader of the Akatsuki for a reason. His new partner embodied everything that drove him mad – he was bitchy, whiny, religious and pretty. Indeed a week after being assigned to Hidan, Kakuzu was bashing his head against the wall in an attempt to escape. Within a month, the Falls nin had attempted suicide multiple times without success. He should have succeeded. Kakuzu was a shinobi; all he had to do was stab himself in the neck with a kunai or something. But he failed every single time he tried to kill himself.

And the reason for this failure?

Yep, you guessed it.

Hidan. Again.

Not only was Hidan the reason for his attempted suicides, he was also the one who kept fucking up Kakuzu's plans to kill himself. Now you may have wondered why Kakuzu didn't just go to the root of his problem and kill his partner. It should have been easy. He had all the experience and no moral qualms about homicide.

The answer was simple. He couldn't. Not only was Hidan bitchy, whiny, religious and pretty, he was also immortal. So no matter how hard Kakuzu tried to kill him, the Jashinist refused to die. To make it worse, the bastard actually liked pain. His insane rituals always culminated in impaling himself through the chest in worship for his God.

Understandably, this pissed Kakuzu off big time.

Kakuzu grimaced as he felt the beginnings of a migraine pinch his temple and stared morosely at the books and ledgers scattered across his bed. For the first time in a hundred years, he was behind in his banking records.

Pein was demanding the yearly budget that was now a month overdue… Deidara and Kisame were demanding their allowances for the week…. the petty cash box was empty…

To make a long story short, he was knee-deep in shit. Agonizing shit, if Pein were to find out that the organization was short of cash this month.

Usually he would never allow himself to become so sloppy, especially when money was at stake. Money was his work, his love, his life – unfortunately, plotting to kill Hidan was draining all of his time and energy, leaving money in the dirt.

He scowled. And what did he have to show for all his plotting?

Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

Hidan was still alive, being a regular pain in his ass.

Obviously Kakuzu needed a major change in strategy if he was going to cut his partner out of his life permanently.

Anything physical was out of the question since Hidan was immortal and possessed an absurdly high tolerance for pain. The Falls nin leaned back on his pillow, staring pensively at the ceiling. That left him with only one option, really. To get rid of Hidan, he would have to attack the religious man mentally.

Hmm. This method could prove to be rather problematic. There were no genjutsu in his arsenal capable of wreaking such damage, and there was no way he could get Itachi to cooperate with him.

No, using a jutsu would not yield the required results.

Kakuzu frowned, rubbing the worn corner of his lucky dollar bill thoughtfully between thumb and forefinger.

Did Hidan have a weakness? As far as Kakuzu knew, his interests only stretched as far as his God and his appearance; the moron was completely oblivious to anything else. But Kakuzu couldn't very well destroy a religion, and while shaving all Hidan's hair off would prove very satisfying, it would only be a temporary solution. He needed a tactic that would destroy his partner completely.

But what could Kakuzu possibly do to drive Hidan mad? Besides exist, obviously.

He was still musing on how to go about this when the source of all his woes walked in through the door, slamming it behind him. Hidan spared his clearly miserable partner a brief glance and smirked.

"Well, aren't you just a little ray of goddamn sunshine. Did your boyfriend dump you or something?"

Kakuzu scowled. "Money problems," he said shortly, picking up the ledger in his lap. "I'm busy, Hidan. Don't you have someone else to bother?"

"Hey asshole, this is my room too. Besides," he gestured wryly to his blood-splattered chest, making a face. "I need to clean this blood off before I start to reek. I haven't completed my sacrificial quota for this week and it's kinda hard to convince virgins to follow me when I smell like blood."

"Fine," the Falls nin muttered. "Just keep quiet. And you can only shower for five minutes – don't force me to impose water restrictions. Our budget is strained enough as it is."

"Yeah, yeah. Like hell I will. Listen, I work my ass off for this shitty organization, and if I want to take three showers a day, I'll fucking do it. Freaking heathen bastard telling me how long I can shower… seriously, what the fuck…"

With that said, he shrugged off his bloodstained cloak, dumping it in a heap on the carpet. Kakuzu clicked his tongue in annoyance –the carpets had just been cleaned a week ago– and glared pointedly at his partner. Hidan just as pointedly ignored him and continued undressing.

Kakuzu continued to glare at him. He spent a small fortune on maintaining the headquarters, and as usual, no one appreciated what he did. Especially Hidan. If the bastard didn't pick up his cloak before the blood had a chance to soak into the carpet, Kakuzu was going to go over there and shove the damn thing down his throat. Really, he-

"Hey," the Jashinist said abruptly, pants around his ankles. "If you don't stop checking me out right now, Kakuzu, I'm gonna rip your fucking eyes out."

The Falls nin blinked. "…what?"

"You heard me. Stop staring at my ass or I'll mess you up, seriously."

"I'm not…I would never–"

Kakuzu blanched at the thought that he would purposely look at Hidan's backside but then he stopped, frowning thoughtfully as he realised something.

For a celibate priest who was supposedly asexual, Hidan was unusually preoccupied with homosexuality. Actually, now that he thought about it, Hidan was almost obsessed with it. Memories flashed through his mind: Hidan warning him not to come in the bathroom while he was in the shower (like Kakuzu even wanted to see him naked in the first place), Hidan always mentioning loudly and frequently that he would disembowel anyone who came near his ass, Hidan always delivering sermons to the Akatsuki on the evil lusts which arose in an organization which consisted largely of men… no, this had to be it!

The man was either severely homophobic or a repressed flaming homosexual.

Either way… his stitched lips pulled in a grotesque leer. With the plan Kakuzu now had in mind, Hidan was sure to go mad. The only flaw was that Kakuzu wasn't sure that he would be able to keep his sanity. However, if it meant getting rid of Hidan, he was prepared to put up with anything, even if it meant losing his dignity within the Akatsuki.

He took a deep breath and steeled himself.

"So what if I'm staring? You have a great ass."

Hidan froze. "…what?"

"You have a nice ass," Kakuzu repeated, green eyes flicking down. "Why wouldn't I look when you're standing half-naked in front of me?"

The Jashinist let out a strangled noise of hysteria and snatched up his clothes to cover himself.

"Y-You… you're fucking joking, right?"

His partner shrugged nonchalantly, choking down the bile that was threatening to spew out of his mouth. Good god, he was complimenting Hidan on his ass. "I guess I just never noticed until now," he said casually. "Really, you have a perfect ass. Such pert, firm cheeks… and I never noticed how smooth your skin was… no wonder you spend so much money on moisturiser. I'd love to–"

Hidan never hung around to hear exactly what Kakuzu would love to do to his ass. He was traumatised enough as it was at the idea that Kakuzu liked looking at his ass. Kakuzu, the worst sinner on the planet, number one on his 'Heathens Must Die' hit list, thought he had a great ass.

The religious nin clapped a hand over his mouth before fleeing into the bathroom.

Kakuzu smiled at the sound of Hidan heaving his guts out into the toilet.

Not even the sound of jingling coins could sound so good.

He waited patiently for the retching to stop, enjoying the panicky gasps that came with the sound of the toilet flushing. As the pale face edged around the doorway, Kakuzu quickly pasted on an expression of fake concern.

"Hidan, are you alright?"

Hidan paled even further. Kakuzu was never concerned about him. He could be severed in half, bleeding all over the ground and Kakuzu wouldn't even bat an eyelid while he was sewing his intestines back together. It was like a rule between them. No, it was a sacred oath that had been established the day Pein had forced them to become partners: Kakuzu was supposed to hate him, not lust after him!

"Kakuzu…" he choked out. "I'm going to fucking kill you if you try anything with me. Seriously."

"That's okay," Kakuzu said patiently. "I can wait until you're ready."

Hidan's face twisted. "Look, I'm religious, okay? I've made a vow of celibacy. Touch me, and God will smite you. You hear that? I'm his disciple, and my body is sacred property. God will smite you if you lay one heathen finger on me!"

"I'm already going to hell," Kakuzu shrugged. "I might as well have some fun before I go."

Hidan swayed where he stood, feeling faint.

"Seriously, I'm not joking. Jashin will fucking kill you if you try to violate me."

The Falls nin smiled slowly.

"I've never turned down a challenge before."

To Be Continued