John had no 'dating etiquette' and Andy called regularly to inform Torchwood of yet another complaint by a outraged individual.

Following several 'incidents', Jack asked Ianto to make a little list of things they should discuss with John.

They were over at John's place, which Ianto hated, but Jack thought it best 'cause they didn't want John anywhere near the hub.

Ianto'd made the coffee, he didn't trust John with anything that was supposed to end up in their system. He'd made that mistake before and had no intention of going there, ever again.


"Ok." Ianto started "I've based my list on the reports Andy sent us. If you have questions, Jack and I will help you through the details."

1) We do not grope or touch peoples private parts without permission.

"Well we could start a lengthy debate on what is a permission." John said.

"What was considered a permission in the 51st century?" Ianto asked, looking over at Jack.

Jack smiled, obviously going through memory lane and said "A wink, a smile and a nod towards the exit."

Ianto looked at Jack and John, who both looked at each other and nodded their approval.

"No, that won't work." Ianto ran a hand through his hair, he was starting to see where this was going.

"Let's give this a go" he said after a while "A look is NO permission, a smile is NO permission, a wink is NO permission. The only thing you could consider a permission is having a hand on your privates and a tongue down your throat. Otherwise,!!"

Jack looked a bit confused and John downright pouted.

"Point 2" Ianto said slapping his hands together. He thought this might be fun afterall.

2) Sex toys are no gifts to be given on the first date.

"Those were 18 carat gold handcuffs" John sounded insulted.

"Well she didn't appreciate it did she cause you've got a restriction order now. And no, Torchwood can't do anything about it, and Ianto won't delete the file from the system 'just because he can'".

Ianto interrupted before it got nasty.

"Anyway!!... Ladies like flowers, jewelry or perfume. Men will be satisfied with just a bottle of wine."

"Does Jack give you wine eye-candy?"

Jack snorted in his coffee and Ianto knew he was slowly going from pink to vibrant red.

"I thought so !! These rules don't apply to Jack do they?"

Jack grinned, John pouted some more.

3) Some people are straight, live with it.

"You don't try to 'convert' people to omnisexuality. Some people are straight live with it."

"They haven't met me yet have they." John looked at Ianto with a big flirty grin "Maybe they'll go all Ianto on me, swap sides because I'm cute and gorgeous."

"I didn't swap sides!! Have you two been talking about me again. Jack? What did I tell you about privacy?" Jack looked down at his cup, not meeting Ianto's eyes, because Ianto could be scary at times.

"Don't fight over me boys" John said sympathetically "Now, kiss and make up!"

Jack looked up at Ianto. "Later?"

Ianto just smiled.

"Later" he confirmed, and Jack knew things were OK.

"Next point is one of my favorite" Ianto said looking at the paper if front of him.

4) People in uniform have formal functions, we give them the proper respect. (see also rule 1 and rule 3)

"This is about PC Andy again isn't it? I don't stalk him anymore, I just grope when he happens to pass by." John looked down at his hands. "He's really nice Andy. I kind of like him."

"Yeah well, remember rule nr. 3." Jack said patting John kindly on the shoulder.

5) Flirting with several people at the same time only works for Jack.

"Is that because you're very forgiving Ianto?"

"No, John, it's because he's prettier than you"

"no he's not."

"yes he is"

"no he's not"

"yes I am" Jack interrupted and that sort of closed the argument because Jack threw them a self-satisfied ten-thousand-volt-smile and none could argue the fact that Jack was by far the most handsome man in the room.

6) We do not bring ex girlfriends to earth in order to impress them, especially if they display obvious otherworldly properties.

"she wasn't that different form humans, Jack, tell him"

"He doesn't need to tell me anything!!" Ianto snapped, he should know because he had been the one being bitch slapped several times while trying to take her down. "She was purple!! And she had a tail."

"They are really sweet though" John still felt a bad about the incident. It had gotten a bit out of hand.

"They're not sweet !! She bit my leg!! Twice!!" Ianto hadn't forgotten. Limping for 3 days is not something you forget, especially when the next day you have to hunt Wheevils.

Jack tried to calm things down "They are nice" he said "but you called her Miss purple and purple in their language means slut."

"Yeah Eye candy, you messed up on that one."


Ianto stood there mouth open, gaping like a fish. This was it, he was going to go home and leave these two to it. This was not in his Jobdiscription.

"You know, I always thought this was a bad idea in the first place. Jack is way to good for your sorry ass. We'll discuss the rest of the list some other time. If you have questions about anything on the list call me. I'll give you pointers."

Ianto looked at Jack who seemed to find all this very exciting "Jack, stop looking at us like that, this is not homoerotic, this is pathetic."

Ianto and Jack got up to leave, making their way to the door when suddenly Ianto felt someone squeeze his ass. It couldn't be Jack he was in front of him.

Before John could react he was splayed out on the floor and Jack was carefully removing the stun gun from Ianto's fingers.

"What is it with you and stun guns Ianto! It's turning into an addiction."

"Not an addiction Jack, maybe an inclination. Anyway he broke rule number one."

"You still don't like him much do you." They were both looking at John on the floor.

"Not slightly" Ianto said with a grin.

"So what do we do with him" Jack asked, hands behind his back.

Ianto looked at John. "I think he looks comfortable enough. He's not bleeding or anything"

"Italian then?" Jack said grabbing Ianto's hand.

Ianto straightened his jacket "Absolutely."


"Yes Jack?"

"Do I Get permission to grope you?" Jack actually looked worried.

"Always" Ianto said, closing the door behind them.

If you liked this. I have some more rules in my head but I didn't want to make this to long. hope this was ok.