I gently brushed a small lock of mahogany hair that had fallen out of her ponytail, behind her ear. I smiled down at her; she looked so beautiful when she slept, so peaceful. Bella was in a deep sleep, tired from the events of the day so she hadn't been sleep talking except for occasional, faint, murmurs of jumbled words that weren't fluent enough to comprehend.
I glanced around her bedroom and noticed something that caught my attention. It was an old folder of some sort. Curious, I leaned down to press my cold lips on Bella's forehead then got up and made my way over to it.
I picked up the folder; it was dusty so she probably hasn't taken it out for quite some time. When I opened the folder I saw the date 'December 23rd' during the time when I . . . wasn't here. I was interested in what she did during that time so I began to read.
I wake up every morning, to the same empty fate
He's gone, it's agonizing, no pain can relate
Right before of my eyes, the days pass very, quick
Time goes by, but I stay frozen, in my safe cocoon, so thick
My joy is replaced by sorrow, my smiles by tears
It's hard to feign happiness when the pain shoots through like spears
It hurts to think of him, but so does the thought of forgetting
I must not forget, but I must not remember, it's all so upsetting
Unwanted memories come with things from the past
I chase most away but the nightmares always last
He left me on the forest floor, so many weeks ago
The day my heart stopped, my soul escaped me and I sunk down below
It's what made me how I am today,
Abandoned and broken, the way I will stay
While reading I had frozen, the pain was washing over me in torturous waves; I couldn't believe I had made her feel that way. I was such a monster for leaving her.
The page was wrinkled by tears, her messing handwriting left dents in the paper from pressing the pen too hard, some parts were smudged when her tears fell on the ink.
Cautiously I turned to another page. The date read 'January 12th' this was some sort of journal entry instead if a poem this time.
I'm starting to wonder if the dreams will ever go away, I've had the same dream
Every night since it happened and I don't ever sleep without them. My dreams probably
Bother Charlie too, I feel bad about that, my screams wake him up every
Night. If I knew how to stop myself from screaming I would but I don't. The
Dreams are terribly painful and they get to me every time. I search through
The forest, it's dark and I'm cold, I search until I find out that there is nothing
To search for, because I am alone and there is no one for me. No horror stuff
Nobody jumps out and attacks me, my dreams are worse. They are worse
Because those kinds of nightmares are scary my nightmares are painful.
They're so bad that when I wake up I hold onto my ribs to keep myself from
Falling apart when the pain feels like it's ripping out my insides. I couldn't count
How many times a week I cry if my life depended on it. I don't know why
I am writing this, it hurts me so much, but I think in a way it's helping me.
If I thought the poem hurt me this was about a million times worse. I wanted to tear myself limb from limb for hurting her. I knew from reading Alice's mind what Charlie had said about her when we left but her version was far, far worse. The pain I felt was suffocating me, but I deserved pain, she did not. I was disgusted by myself, I don't deserve such a beautiful, sweet creature, and she deserves some one better, someone with a soul. Not a monster like me.
As soon as I regained control of my body I sprinted over to the bed where she was sleeping and took her in my arms, cradling her against my chest.
The movement was too fast and her eyes fluttered open, although she was not quite awake yet. Not wanting her to see me like this I quickly began to hum her lullaby in an attempt to send her back to sleep.
I succeeded after a minute and she drifted to sleep again. When I was sure she was asleep I tightened my grip on her, holding her as close to me as I could without harming or waking her.
Having her safe in my arms helped ease the pain, but only slightly, it still hammered through me, worse than any physical pain imaginable.
The images I saw in Jacob's mind flashed through my own.
Bella clutching herself together with an expression that can only be described as pure pain.
Bella in La Push, pale and thin, her usually deep brown eyes, flat and dead looking with dark purple bags underneath, her beautiful, silky hair, dry and messy. She looked terrible, like a zombie.
Bella talking to Jacob, pain flashing horribly across her face when Jacob said my name.
I felt as bad as I did the first time Jacob 'showed' me them.
"Oh, Bella." I cried, forgetting, momentarily that she could wake up, and she did.
"Edward?" Bella asked groggily. She saw my tortured expression and reached her warm hand up to touch my cheek.
I stayed silent, unmoving and I started into her eyes.
"Edward, what's wrong?" She asked again, scared now. I didn't feel like I had the strength to speak but I didn't need her worried about me.
"Nothing, sorry for waking you." I managed to choke out. She tried to make eye contact with me but I wouldn't let her.
"Edward, please. Please tell me what's wrong." She begged, obviously hurt that I wasn't telling her. I felt terrible, but I just couldn't tell her.
While thinking about whether or not I should tell her, she found my gaze and saw the old folder on the floor where I left it.
"I'm sorry." I whispered breathlessly, partially about reading her private folder and partially for all the pain I put her through.
I stared intently at her face, she was still looking at the folder. A single tear fell down her cheek and I swear I felt my heart break. I wanted desperately to take her in my arms and comfort her, but she might be very angry and not want me to.
"W-w-were you reading that?" Bella asked me, her voice quivered and quaked. She continued to look at the folder as she spoke.
"Yes." I answered, my voice was soft and guilt ridden.
Silent tears began to fall from her eyes, and with each tear that fell, a piece of my heart got torn.
"I'm sorry, Bella" I said again.
Bella turned to face me, her eyes red and puffy but full of confusion.
"What?" She asked.
"I'm sorry for going through your personal journal. If it makes you feel any better I only read two things." I told her, praying she would forgive me.
"Edward, I don't care about that." She stated, now I was the confused one.
"Then why are you upset?" I questioned.
"Edward, I saw your face so don't try to deny it. You read that folder and I hurt you with the things I wrote. I am so, so sorry." She apologized. How could she think like that? She's crying because she thinks she hurt me with things she wrote for herself when I wasn't even here! I felt like I was drowning in guilt. How many times must I hurt my angel!?
I couldn't resist anymore, I scooped her into my arms and rocked her gently.
"Bella, my love, you didn't hurt me, I hurt myself. Don't blame yourself, please?" I begged her, still disgusted with myself.
She tilted her head up and looked in to my eyes, I stared back into hers. With my eyes still locked with hers I leaned down to kiss her soft, warm lips softly. We broke apart after a moment and I set her back down on her bed, pulling the blankets around her.
"Sleep, my Bella, it's quite late." I told her.
"I love you." She murmured and closed her eyes.
"I love you too." I said back, then leaned down to place my lips on her forehead, I stayed like that for a moment then pulled away a centimetre. "More than you know." I whispered.