This story is an idea I got when I was looking at Batman forums under sections of Joker's most vile acts and the reason for being Batman's biggest threat. It had a lot of people complaining that Batman should just kill Joker already and have someone else take over. To me, no matter how horrible his crimes are, Joker should always stay Batman's worst foe. Killing Joker never seemed an option to me although I can see why people start pondering how no one every does as the comics are trying to be more realistic. Anyway, since Batman/Joker slash seemed to be a big thing I thought of adding that to make the story more humorous. For the love of god people, don't take this story seriously!!
Batman struggled against the chains that were tied around his body. How he gotten into this one he didn't know but he had no time to think. He just knew he had to get out. He continued to struggle to break the chains but forced himself to stop when he felt the cold steel of a gun pressed against his cheek.
"Ah-ah-ah-ahhh! I wouldn't try that if I were you, Batsy."
Batman grimaced knowing full too well who's voice behind him belonged to. Not to mention how many enemies does he have that calls him by that name.
"Joker…" He growled softly.
"Sharp as a tack as always!" Joker beamed as he emerged from behind and faced Batman. "And that's what I like about you. Never one to make a mistake. You'd even suspect the Spanish Inquisition when no one else ever would!"
"Cut the act!" Batman snapped. "How did you catch me!? Where am I anyway!?"
He was almost alarmed by the fact that he had no memories from earlier since he put on his Bat suit. Come to think of it he didn't even remember putting on the Bat suit. What was going on? Joker ignored his questions and lowered his gun giving it a brief twirl on his index finger.
"Tut-tut… I short of hoped we could have a heart-to-heart talk before we proceed."
"Proceed to what?" Batman frowned expecting the worst.
"Well, Batsy, as you know…" Joker started off pretending he didn't hear the Bat's question. "We've been fighting for such a long time now. So long that there is without a doubt that I'm one of… no, the biggest threat of Gotham City and to you as well! And yet…"
His words drifted and the clown prince looked sad for a second.
"There are still those out there that want to think you need a new enemy that could do better. Such fools… NO ONE CAN DO BETTER THAN ME!"
He let out one of his infamous maniacal laughter while Batman continued to struggle against the chains, trying to make sense of what Joker was talking about.
"What are you saying, Joker?"
"You have so many foes who fight you from time to time!" Joker snapped as he faced the dark knight again. "So many it's a surprise that you ever get any sleep… or that Gotham hasn't been blown to bits yet!"
"I don't follow."
"You don't? And I thought you were smart. Sheesh, just when you think you know someone…"
"What… do… you… want… Joker…?" Batman growled losing most of his patience.
"Hmph! If you let me finish I'll tell you!" Joker cleared his throat and spoke. "You see, you are huge sensation for Gotham city. But not just that, you're big with every criminal in this damp sorry excuse for a place to live. Everyone wants to defeat you. Everyone hates how you get in their way of their so called 'masterfully' plans. Thus we all want to hurt you. We all want to be the one that causes the most fear in this city and to you. We all want to be… your number one worst enemy."
He added the last part so chilling it was as if he was dripping blood between his teeth.
"So?" Batman responded uninterested.
"So!?" Joker screeched stamping his foot like a spoiled child. "So!? Don't you see what's going on!? I'M your worst enemy and I always have been! Yet there are so many other villains out there that might be capable to face you but nowhere near as good and as frightening as I am! They all try to steal the spotlight but they can only manage temporarily! Yet these scums still keep coming back to try to get what they can never do and steal my spotlight permanently!"
"You're too obsessed, Joker."
"So what if I am! I won't have it any other way between us! I don't care how many of those retarded wackos spend time on the internet writing forums on how I should just die already and have a fresh new face take over! I will not be replaced just because I overstayed my welcome! I was here first and I'm not planning on going anywhere!"
"What are you talking about?" Batman wasn't sure where all this was going anymore. The Joker has never been the predicable type.
"Hmph! But I'll show them! I've always been you're most implacable foe. I'm your mirror image as I represent everything The Batman opposes. How could anyone have a better archenemy than that? But I make such it will always stay that way… That no matter what happens I'll always be your worst enemy on top of the list. That's why I took the time to arrange a big event just for the two of us to tie it."
Oh god, this lunatic is going to kill me!
Batman tried harder to work himself out of his chains but nothing seemed to work. Those chains were heavy and strong and tied tightly around him. He was unable to reach any of his gadgets this way. Unless a miracle happened this was surely the end of Batman.
"I really hope you'll appreciate what I have in store for you, Batsy." Joker grinned slyly, sensing the panic in Batman. "I worked so hard on planning and preparing for us to be here on this big day. Okay, take it away, Bob!"
"Pardon me, sir, but my name is Fred."
"Really? I don't care. You look like a Bob to me so that's what I'm going to call you. Now get on with it!"
To Batman's bewilderment he was confused beyond belief that he hadn't noticed this man before him and Joker. What confused him more 'Bob' looked like a traditional wedding preacher.
"How long has he been standing there?" He wondered out loud.
"What!?" Joker stared at Batman as if he was crazier than him. "He was standing right there this whole time! Geez, dense today are we, Batsy? I can't believe I just praised you to be a smart one moments ago."
"What's going on here!?" Batman roared having lost his last inch of patience.
"Don't you get it yet?" Joker rolled his eyes and inched closer. "We're going to hold a ceremony that will officially announces us to be number one archenemies forever! And Bob's going to help us to make it legally official!"
Usually it took a lot for something to cause The Batman to give an outburst. This was beyond ridiculousness. Just what was going on in The Joker's mind!? It was always best not to know.
"Hey, Bob! I said you can start! What's the dang holdup!?"
"Yes, of course. So sorry. Let us not delay any further."
Batman raised an eyebrow as his confusion rose. This man had to be Joker's hostage but he seemed unaware of any danger or showed any signs of fear. He was like a preacher doing his daily job.
"Ahem…" The elderly man cleared his throat and opened the book he had been holding under his arm.
"Oh, this is so exciting!" Joker squealed as he clung onto Batman's arm that wasn't completely chained on. "You don't know how long I've waited for this day! Does my hair look okay?"
"What is this…!?" Batman growled trying to fight his bewilderment.
"Hush! He's starting…"
"Do you , The Joker, take The Batman to be your official long time number one enemy?" Bob said reading out of the book. "To cherish each moment you try to kill each other, to hate and to spit on whenever he's down. To humiliate, to scoff, and to torture his loved ones in front of his eyes. To trick him into your clever traps and attempt to kill, to make him suffer, both sickness and in health till death do you part?"
"Ohhh, I do! IdoIdoIdo; I do so much! Yes, yes, yes!" Joker gleefully responded popping a leg up and tightening his squeeze on Batman's arm. "Now do him! It's his turn! Hurry it up!"
"Very well," The man turned his attention to a frustrated Batman. "Do you, The Batman, take The Joker to be your official long time number one enemy? To cherish each moment you try to beat him down? To drag him to Arkham everytime you foil his plans, to tie him up with all the other criminals for the Commissioner and his fellow policemen to find? To continue to fight him every time he has been seen caught in explosions, been shot repeatedly, dropped from lethal heights, electrocuted, and so on, only for him to always returns to once again wreak havoc? To forever thwart his evil plans, both in sickness and in health till death to you part?"
Batman just stood there with his mouth hanging slightly ajar. If this was one of Joker's joke than it was far from funny. Just what was Joker hoping to gain from all this?
"Batsy? What's wrong? Why aren't you answering?"
Joker let go off Batman's arm and backed away slowly as if he just realized he's been rejected. His face had changed from adoration to disappointment to anger.
"Why… why you cad! There's someone else, isn't there!? You want someone else to be your ultimate archenemy, am I right!? Is it that Cat tramp you're always eyeing!? Well, is it!?"
He spun around to face away from the dark knight and folded his arms as if he was pouting.
"Hmph! I spend all this time being the worst nightmare of all Gotham city and this is the thanks I get! I knew I should have listened to mother! She warned me of types like you! I should have chosen Superman instead. At least everyone knew his weakness; an easy kill. But, oh no, I had to go for the dark mysterious silent type!"
Batman had long stopped trying to figure this out and kept working on loosing his chains while Joker had his back turned. His spirits lifted when he felt the chains loosening against his body. His struggling seemed to work.
"So I assume the ceremony has been called off?" 'Bob' responded casually as if he went through this kind of situation everyday.
"No… no I don't think so. The ceremony will finish and have its happy ending."
Joker suddenly spun around and pointed his gun directly on the man's forehead. For once the elderly man seemed afraid and Joker grinned knowing one of Batman's weakness after all.
"Come on, Batman! If you don't want me to blow this innocent victim's head off you're going to have to answer. And it had better be an 'I do' if you both want to see the sunlight!"
Batman grimaced, knowing he didn't have much of a choice but to play along with Joker's absurd game.
"Hey, grandpa, repeat those last words again, will ya?"
"A-ah, y-y-yes. Do you Batman t-take Joker to be your official e-enemy, to f-forever thwart him, t-t-till death?"
"I…. do…" Batman responded feeling as if he swallowed a large ounce of deadly poison.
"Oh, Batsy, my love!" Joker shouted joyfully and flung his gun behind his back to jump back onto Batman's arm. "I knew you cared! I'm so happy!"
"I now announce you two to be officially on each other's throat." The preacher read casually as if nothing happened. "You may now pie each other."
Before Batman could question he found himself getting a face full of lemon cream pie thrown into his face.
"This has always been my favorite part!" Joker giggled as he rubbed the pie deeper into Batman's face before dropping it.
"Hmmm…" The preacher looked closely at his book. "I don't remember that part ever included in a foe's ceremony."
"Yeah, because it isn't." Joker replied smirking. "I crossed the official line out and wrote the part about the pie instead. Hope you don't mind."
"Yeah, yeah, you may now try to kill each other." He finished saying the correct verse and threw the book over his shoulder, walking away.
"Fantastic! You know, Batsy, I'm not the jealous type so if you want to fight other villains because the Bat Signal commands it from you then fine. I'm not the jealous type." His cheerful face was suddenly replaced with a vicious look. "But if you so much as spend any extra time on one of them, even a second longer, if it's been more time spend than it has been with me I'll have your damn head!"
Batman spat out the cream filling that got in his mouth. He had enough of this! Gathering all his strength he finally broke the chains into shattering pieces. He was free! And now he was finally going to get some answers. He turned around to grab Joker but got distracted when he saw what was behind all this time.
It was every single villain he ever fought all seated on rows and rows of wooden benches. What confused him even more it looked like they were attending and not planning on a surprise attack. But what else could this be?
"Wow! Congratulations, Mistah J!" Harley cheered from behind them wearing a flower girl outfit, casually throwing flowers.
"I'd release the white doves but then I remember I don't own any." The Penguin muttered against his cane. "So I released my Eagles trained to attack anything in sight."
"In that case I hope no one wanted any cake because they're sure are busy attacking that." Harvey responded while flipping his coin. "Heads I'll blow this whole god damn place up just for the hell of it…"
"Sniff… So beautiful…" Poison Ivy cried into her green hanky. "I do hope that I'll find an archenemy of my own someday."
Batman knew he should run but all he could do was stare in shock. Joker looked at him and shrugged.
"I invited them. Part of tradition when it comes to these things. I would have invited your part of the family but I would have killed them all if I did and I know how much these things upset you and stuff. I hope you realize how much I put up for you."
Batman's eyes twitched and he couldn't take much of this anymore. Without giving any more thought he ran straight towards the nearest window and jumped through the glass falling off a five foot height and landing effortlessly on the street. He was about to make a run for it when the sight of Catwoman stopped him.
"Congratulations on today's big day, handsome. I always knew you two were always meant to fight each other for eternity."
"So you're in on this too, eh?" Batman said through gritted teeth. "You know, this might have been cute for the first five seconds but this is…"
"Oh hush." Catwoman purred as she placed a finger on Batman's lips. "You know there was no avoiding this. This how it was between you two in the very beginning and that's how it will be until the very end. You can't change that."
She seductively leaned close and ran her finger up and down on his chest.
"In a way I'm envious. But maybe… just maybe… if I work hard enough and make more appearance and commit more vicious crimes then maybe I can become your most threatening foe of all…"
"Batman, you bastard! Are you cheating on me already!!"
Batman looked up to see a very angry Joker coming at him with a large sized mallet around the corner.
"My cue to leave." Catwoman winked and ran off.
"Now just wait a mi-"
Batman was interrupted with a blow from Joker's mallet.
"That'll teach you to so much as to look at another villain! What are you trying to do? Ruin our special day?"
The building Batman just escaped from suddenly blew up. Must have been heads…
"I'll teach you for trying to change something that can't be changed!" Joker snarled as he raised his mallet to deliver another blow.
All Batman could do was squeeze his eyes shut and expect more pain.
Bruce's eyes snapped open before it even happened. His breathes came out uneven as he sat up. What a strange nightmare…
Apparently when Bruce wasn't dreaming about his parent's deaths he had to have dreams of his enemies. Not to mention his worst one of all. This time Bruce couldn't help but wonder how this odd dream came to be. He remembered before turning in for the night he had been looking through The Joker's questionable portfolio on his computer, trying to find out more about his enemy. It got him to ponder why this clown, of all villains, had to be the most dangerous. The one that everyone considers to be Batman's worst enemy.
Bruce sighed and nodded. All that pondering must be what led to that strange dream of his. That and he agreed to attend one of his top notch employee wedding next week. He couldn't help but shudder in disgust the more he thought about his dream. This is why he hated dreaming. Why could he never have any pleasant dreams for a change?
He was so lost in his thoughts that he barely noticed a hand running through his chest slowly.
"Stop fidgeting and go back to sleep…"
"Yeah, sorry about tha…. Wait…"
Bruce became suspicious when he recalled he didn't take a woman with him to bed. What was more suspicious was that the voice belonged to…
Bruce nearly fell from his bed when he saw the clown prince lying next to him gazing lazily at the shocked billionaire.
"Were you expecting the Spanish Inquisition?" He answered giggling. "That was some honeymoon, eh, Batsy? Since you're up I'm willing to take another ride on your Batmobile, if you know what I mean."
He wanted to scream but no sound came out.
Bruce opened his eyes for real this time. He groaned, cursing how much he hated those cliché double dreams.
"That does it… I'm never going to sleep again!"
He got up muttering to himself to remind Alfred to serve two cups of coffee from now on.