A/N: these theories were written by my cousin and I in random moments of almost insight they are not intended to be offensive and were are truly sorry if you find them to be so, please note that both my cousin Lizzie and I are Christians and we are not gang banging Jesus now sit back relax and enjoy the randomness that is our minds
B.S. Theories of the Bible
D: I hope that these theories make Jesus laugh so hard that the disciples (also suppressing giggles) have to hold him up so that he doesn't fall off his throne.
E: Either that or we go to the "other place"
D: At least someone will get a kick out of it.
2. Exodus 15:8
By the blast of your nostrils the waters piled up… I just have two things to say to that. One I'll bet you didn't know that was in there, and secondly don't you think they could have found another way to phrase that?
3. Multiplication- God's curse to the Israelites and fourth graders around the world
4. In Moses day they worshiped cows, now we make them into yummy burgers.
7. He is the Lord your God - fear and obey
9. Thou's enemies shalt eat it.
10. Guilt makes an ugly stain on that new white carpet your mother just installed.
11. The sword is not mightier than the pen but it is mightier than the lion.
12. Priest's cannot be embarrassed or ashamed for they do not blush
14. Mrs. God is the queen of heaven and she likes her them cakes of bread
15. Jesus went in the desert for forty days and all hell broke loose
17. Jesus name was on the cross in 3 different languages so that all would know his name.
18. Heaven has the best electric company in the universe because the lights never go out
20. Before Genesis 1:1 there was a title page.
21. Their es noh speel chek en hevin becauz ther ar noh mestaces
22. We are all the children of God but the child called Son is the only one with a real job.
23. Jesus represented all people. He came to earth in the form of a man, but he had the peaceful loving (unpredictable) mind of a woman. And as a plus his hair and makeup were always perfect. (sniff) Mrs. God was so proud.
25. If Jesus represented people of all ages, races, and places his skin tone should be pretty messed up right? I mean seriously he should be like purple or something.
26. Judas drugged the other disciples with sleeping pills.
27. When on your deathbed asking why, know that you were human you made mistakes, and that you have been forgiven with the most painful death the Roman's created.
29.When God tells you to jump off a cliff you jump! Don't ask questions stupid just jump! (exclamation, exclamation , EXCLAMATION!)
30. 40 is the holiest number in the Bible, 40 days on the ark, 40 years in the desert etc etc. So according to heavens aging scale God must be 40 years old. Being over the hill isn't so bad.
31. Hobos started out fairly early living in Hobab, but then feeling lonely began to wander the rails.
32. What would Christians do if Billy Gram was Jewish?
33.For those of you who were wondering yeah we realize that we're going to hell for this.
34. God is the ultimate stalker, but in a good way,
35. There are ten universes one under each of God's fingernails. (He never cleans them)
36. Pangaea broke up after the confusion of the languages at Babel because God
was just really mad that day and said " Fine you're gonna go here and you're gonna go here."
37. If all the people spoke a different language at Babel how did they all collectively decide on the name?
38. I wonder if God ever gets mad at his super-computer because it freezes up on him.
39. If everything we have belongs to God, God is seriously loaded-
41. Jesus made the first Hungry Man © (almost) TV dinner.
42. Jesus did not run off to be a rice farmer- but he did think that it was yummy!
(this came to be after reading something online that said Jesus ran off to be a rice farmer and I was insanely ticked off about it so after venting to no one in particular I decided to write that)
43. Wouldn't it have been funny to watch Jesus ascend into heaven using a bunch of helium balloons?
44. God looked down from heaven saw a school bus and said "Hey a Twinkie!"
45. It took all little boy to give all that he had to Jesus - maybe growing up isn't such a good thing.
46. Believing that Jesus is the messiah back in his day is easier said than done.
48. If God holds the life of every living thing in his hands he has some really big hands.
49. Jacob and God created the first WWE
51.What happened to mommy?
52. It was and all blue family.
53. God keeps a bottomless jar of pickles in his fridge
(not biblicly relevant I know but we just really like pickles)
54. God sits up there in heaven says I want some chocolate and "PING" chocolate
55. If God is everywhere he must look something like Buddha
57. A wise son pays attention- so sit down shut up and listen!
60. Israel had a much better fire department than all those cities listed above.
61. The lord is your witness- too bad you can't call him to the stand at your trial, now that would be awsome
1 Samuel 12:5
63. OOOOOOOO JERUSALEM!
2 Kings 22:17
64. Molid caused all the bread in the house to mold on his parents.
1 Chronicles 2:29
65. Jesus is a mirror he reflects his fathers image,
66. Contrary to popular belief Jesus did not look like Fabio
67. Poor Hazel and Ben Hadad,
68. Thou canst make one hair white or black, all you need is a stylist
70. God has the DVR of the world. That's how he knows what everyone's doing at any given moment in time, and he can see the future
71.God granted the Philly cheese steak to the church of Philadelphia.
73. Why are you where you are? Because God said "What the hell lets put another one right there and see what he will do for me." (of course having the DVR of the world he already knows and you don't have to worry about it)
75.Earthquakes are God's hiccups; volcanic eruptions, God had too much to drink with St. Peter and missed the wine box.
77. Even the gospels got writers block.
78. God decides when its your time to go. If your soul is too small you're going back. it's a fishing thing.
80. Mrs. God gave birth to the world - Ouch ( I wonder if she had to have a sea section)
81. DVR theory extension: any mass extinction is God hitting the erase button because it wasn't good anymore.
82. The 11th commandment: thou shalt memorize the first ten commandments
83. At the beginning of time there was extensive purpling-look at all the people!
84. MOUNT OF OLIVES
Customer: Waiter, I thought this dish came with a veggie.
Waiter: What the olives are blue?
Customer: Yeah actually they are just look at them
Waiter: Yeah we should probably get the fridge fixed.
85. Thou shalt not bash thy brothers head in with a rock Cough CAIN cough.
The 12th commandment.
86."Thou shalt memorize the 10 (unbash) 15 commandments
The 13th commandment
87. Ham was shortier than Shem
88. Aphra and Ham got married (against their will) by Mrs. Clark before creation and divorced after the flood ended. (lizzie had to play ham's wife in a production of children of eden and to put it nicely she isn't ham's biggest fan)
89. There were three pigs on the ark. Ham and the two animals
91. Salt tastes icky.
93. We've decided that we are going to hell because of our theories, but people say that they are good. According to our pastor all good things were given to us by God. And our theories are good so aren't they from God? Why then I ask you are we going to hell?
L has a point and seeing as it is a good one I retract theory number 33 while it will still be in there for you to laugh at (and it is very possible that we are still going to hell for this)
94. Theory 93 did too count (and so does this one) Don't you argue with me! You'll upset the "Big Guns" upstairs
95. God has a sense of humor: he gave us siblings
96. Paul used his God given explosives to break out of prison.
97. We take that back the plastic explosives were God's backup if he was too tired to make the earthquake follow through
98. God's just slick/great like that
99. Christians are cannibals ( the body and blood of Christ at communion )
100. God denies pastors the right gamble or even the right to visit Vegas without a lot of problems (our pastor went to visit his sister in law in Vegas and he couldn't even make it out of the airport without having problems)
101. The Bible cannot be read in one year to a teenager
102. There are more than 10 commandments Jesus even gave you the eleventh (we know we gave you the eleventh but that was a different eleventh and since he's Jesus his overrules ours and it doesn't count any more)
103. No Christian music artist to our knowledge can remember all 10 (15) commandments in order hence our 11th
104. Don't mess with God he can and will cause as many mass extinctions as he has to
105. No matter who says it oranging and greening will never sound as good as purpling
106. God's favorite part of the week-Friday Night-of course. Why else would Unsearchable Riches have wrote that song?
107. Thank God for the weekends. They will be your best friends ( next to God and the Bible ) when you REALLY get sick of school.
108. Also thank God for snow days. They give you an extra day to get the homework you "forgot" about done.
109. Really you should be thanking God for everything, even when it seems completely useless you never know ( just look at what we learned to do in language class)
110. God is like a teenager, he knows everything and you can't always tell what he' s thinking.
111. (I wonder what happens when we get to theory 666!?) God gave women chocolate a) because Mrs. God told him to and b) because he knew that Eve would need it somewhere along the line.
112.God has a sense of humor he gave us children (gee thanks mom now we really know what you thought about all those icky diapers)
113. Our lives were saved by a blood donor.
114. Black sharpies are the latest and greatest writing utensil ever (cough Garret Cough)
Yeah we know that its no where in the Bible but the guy is in a Christian band
115. For God so loved the world that he gave it a bath ( the flood and Jesus )
116. If the bread they give you at communion is the body of Christ and Christ is over 2000 years old don't you think it would have gotten a bit moldy by now?
117. Abraham had way too many wives for his own good.
118. Any day can be used for worship including Friday night when kids are the most alert and ready to listen as long as you don't drone we will stay awake. Why do you think there are so many Christian concerts on Friday night and hardly any on Sunday morning?
119. Mrs. God is never mentioned because it would screw up the trinity.
120. Mrs. God is also never mentioned because then what would they call the trinity?
121. Mrs. God also didn't think that four interlocking circles looked as good as three and God wouldn't let her be by the holy spirit and Jesus
122. Biblical wizard of Oz: Job of Uz
123. If heat rises heaven should be hotter than hell
124.Heaven is hotter than hell but heavens heating system is more controlled than hell
125. The devil says things that are so cold that they burn. (LOL)
126. Along with all of Jeremiah's other problems his lips were chapped
127. If we are the clay it's a good thing that God is the potter, some stuff by other artists is pretty messed up.
128. I wonder if God ever gets bored and starts creating all these strange animals just because he can
129. God likes a challenge he probably had a bet going with the angel Gabriel to see if he really could create the world in seven (more like six) days. The only problem now is that he has to feed it water it and try to keep WWIII from breaking out. No seriously that's an actual job … I think
130. There is an Unsearchable Riches song (My Element) that says "You alone can tell me why my heart is beating. You alone can tell me who I am." (we really are very sorry for this) Actually we can tell you both.
1) Your heart is beating because God has the greatest defibrillator in the universe, and even though he will enjoy having you in heaven he likes keeping you alive so that you can tell others about him
2) you are fill in your name here, and either deep down or on the surface you are a good person. And if you have to get major surgery and look like a total ditz in front of a lot of people we hope you show that side to the world.
Okay yeah I know that there are blank spots in here without a theory or anything else for that matter but the ones that I took out were probably the most offensive and looking back at them now (we wrote these like three years ago, its hard to offend a 12 year old) I've offended myself with a lot of these so if there are anymore that you think should be taken out just let me know.
For all the people that spent all those long boring Sunday morning sermons and weekday lectures rolling their eyes, we did more constructive things.