Summary: "When life throws you lemons, throw them at your Composition teacher." Remus Lupin brings a lemon to all of his classes. His friends think he's hilarious, his other peers think he's finally lost it, and his teachers are perplexed at the idea of bringing a lemon to class.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or the Marauders, though I did take the liberty of changing around how classes work at Hogwarts a bit and made up my own teachers for the most part, since I don't know who teaches some of these things.
Story Dedication: So, I'm bored to death, sitting by my laptop, and something pops into my brain. Something a friend of mine said. "When life throws you lemons, throw them at your Composition teacher." So, my idle and very crazy mind begins to formulate this. This one goes out to my friend, Cara, and my Comp teacher!
Publication Dedication: I thank Insane Elvish Vampire Pirate And The Demented Hobbit Ninja for telling me that nothing is too random to be posted on Fanfiction!
Tid-bit: Dumbledore is insane, Remus is a genius, and I am an insane genius.
Rating: ...R... for RANDOMNESS!
That Is A Lemon
"Mr. Lupin, what is that on your desk?"
Remus looked up from his textbook.
"Why, Professor. That is a lemon."
"Yes, Professor. A lemon."
The other 7th year Arithmancy students began to whisper to each other. All were extremely confused how someone as seemingly sane as Remus Lupin could have possibly brought fruit of all things to class.
The professor, a short, blond witch with rather large blue eyes, looked perplexedly at the lemon before giving up and migrating back to the front of the classroom to continue her speech on logarithms. Remus went back to his note-taking. And, eventually after a few minutes of speculation on the lemon, so did the rest of the students.
"Mr. Lupin!" called out Slughorn as he made his rounds around the classroom, "What is that? I don't believe that is a potion ingredient, is it?"
Remus stopped stirring his concoction and turned to face his professor.
"Professor, that is a lemon."
"A lemon?" Remus nodded, "What is a lemon doing in my Potions' class?"
"I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Professor."
Sirius snorted from where he stood, stirring his potion. James watched amusedly at the scene, for once not staring at Lily, who, in turn, was looking at Remus like he had just gone off the deep end. Even Snape had looked at Remus skeptically before resuming his potion-making. Slughorn looked a bit bothered by the fact that Remus wouldn't tell him why he had brought a lemon to class, but, taking a look at the clock, thought it best not to involve himself; the class was almost over anyway.
"Fine. Continue." he said as he waddled away.
(A/n: New class at Hogwarts: Physical Education!)
"What by Merlin's beard is that?" said the burly gym instructor, a muscular man with a shaved head most likely in his thirties. Remus sighed.
"That is a lemon, Coach."
"And why do you have a lemon with you, boy?" Remus closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.
"I can't tell you that, Coach." The coach raised an eyebrow, perhaps questioning why Remus couldn't tell him or maybe Remus' sanity.
"Fine, Lupin, but I want that lemon of yours to run around the Quidditch field."
Remus stared at the coach before responding in all honesty, "I'm afraid that it can't run that far, Coach, as it can barely walk that far. I suppose I could roll it, but that would only work in a straight line."
This time, Sirius forced himself not to laugh, as hard as that was. Some of the other students tried not to laugh at Remus' remark as well. James covered his face with his hands and shook his head as he tried to control his laughter. Peter just stared at the lemon in Remus' hands in confusion. The coach narrowed his eyes.
"Fine, Lupin." he said shortly, "I expect you to get that lemon to do some push-ups," Remus opened his mouth to protest about how lemons had no arms and therefore couldn't do push-ups, "or it's detention."
Remus shrugged and joined the rest of the class.
Professor Kettleburn was taking attendance, a habit of his, when he did a double take, "Lupin? What is that?"
"That is a lemon, Professor."
"Yes. A lemon." he said, looking bored. Kettleburn raised an eyebrow at Remus before resuming attention. The Ravenclaws in the class were slowly inching away from Remus. Soon enough, there was a clear separation between Remus and the rest of the class. The only ones who stayed by Remus' side were the Marauders.
"What? Haven't you lot ever seen a lemon before?" barked Sirius loudly as the class followed Kettleburn, only scaring them more.
"And what do you see?" said the airy voice of the Divination teacher as she flew over to Sirius, James and Remus' table. Sirius peered into the crystal ball, not expecting to see anything anyway; Divination was so overrated.
Sirius smirked inwardly before responding, in a serious tone, "A lemon." Sirius tried not to laugh, James smirked and Remus just rolled his eyes.
"A lemon?!" said the Divination teacher in alarm.
"Yeah. Is that a bad thing?" replied Sirius, managing to keep up his act.
"It's horrible!" shrieked the Divination teacher as she flew over to her desk and flipped through an extremely large book. At this point, Sirius and James couldn't hold it in any longer, and they broke out in laughter. The Divination teacher stared at the two laughing boys, who were now rolling on the floor, and then at Remus who sat there looking at them, rolling his eyes and chuckling. This was when she noticed the lemon on the table.
"Yes. That is a lemon." said Remus.
"Oh… Okay." She looked relieved.
(A/n: And I thought Trelawney was bad!)
"WHAT is THAT?!" screeched the Muggle Studies professor in horror. The students cringed at the screech and many covered their ears.
"That is a lemon." replied Remus simply, looking up at her from where he sat, "Surely a Muggle Studies professor such as yourself would recognize a lemon. I do believe Muggles grow lemons as well."
The Muggle Studies teacher peered down at him, not knowing whether to punish him or to give him a pat on the back. Some of the students that had classes with Remus earlier in the day wished he would just get rid of the darned thing. Honestly, it was getting quite annoying listening to the teachers freak out about lemons!
But Remus left the lemon, in all its yellow grandeur, sitting on the corner of his desk, only moving it when the bell rang and he shuffled out of the room with all the others.
A group of Gryffindors snickered to themselves. McGonagall's class was next, and if anyone was to put an end to Remus' madness about lemons, McGonagall would be the one.
The students waited for McGonagall to arrive in complete silence. Sirius twiddled his thumbs and whistled a bit at first, but was soon silenced by the anonymous glares he got from all directions. Remus, not ignorant but merely choosing to ignore, took out a book and began to skim through it.
Suddenly, the door flew open and McGonagall entered.
"I'm sorry I'm late; there was a bit of a problem in the Charms corridor with Peeves." she said as she walked to the front of the classroom. Surely, thought the annoyed Gryffindors, McGonagall would see the lemon, perched precariously on the left corner of Remus' desk all the way in the front of the classroom. Surely, they conspired, she would get angry at his strange behavior and give him detention or, in the least, give him a detention.
"Today, we shall…" McGonagall stopped as she noticed the lemon on Remus' desk. A boy in the third row snickered.
"What is that on your desk?"
"Those are my books, Professor." Sirius and James gawked at Remus' audacity.
"Don't be smart with me, Mr. Lupin." she snapped, partly amused in spite of herself, "What is that?" She pointed a finger at the lemon.
"That is a lemon."
"I know that, Mr. Lupin, but what is it doing there?" McGonagall found herself loosing her temper.
"I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Professor."
"And why not?"
"Because I've been told not too." The entire class was gawking at Remus at this point. Even McGonagall found his behavior quite unlike him, the good, bright student that was well-mannered compared to his idiotic friends. Had, by spending so much time with them, their uncanny behavior rubbed off on Remus?! If that was true, then the Marauders could possibly corrupt all the young minds in the school… the world… the apocalypse was near. McGonagall was close to fainting when all of a sudden.
The lemon collided with McGonagall's head. Remus jumped out of his seat to catch the lemon. In a heroic, NFL Super Bowl touchdown worthy dive, Remus caught the lemon just before it hit the floor. It all seemed to happen in slow motion for the members of the Transfiguration class.
McGonagall, having recovered from being hit in the head by a lemon, looked around for the culprit. Of course, Remus Lupin was the only one out of his seat.
"REMUS LUPIN! GO TO THE HEADMASTER IMMEDIATELY!!" shouted McGonagall in outrage. Remus, his eyes the size of salad bowls, walked towards the door in shame.
Dumbledore was sitting in his office, inspecting an old bit of parchment, as he heard the faint rapping on the door.
In walked Remus Lupin, a lemon in his hands, a smirk on his face.
"I've been expecting you." said Dumbledore.
"Well, yes, but you know, classes and such." chuckled Remus.
"So, I do believe this is the last." said Dumbledore, indicating the lemon.
"Yes, I do believe so. I'll be graduating this year." The thought saddened Remus a bit.
"Well, then I suppose you can leave that here," He gestured at the lemon, "and be on your way." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled from beneath his half-moon spectacles.
"I suppose so." said Remus as he put the lemon down on Dumbledore's desk and turned for the door, "By the way," he added, turning back, "I wasn't the one who threw the lemon."
Remus smiled at the reply and walked out the door. Before shutting it though, Remus flicked his wand and the lemon transformed itself into lemon sherbets.
The door shut and Dumbledore looked down at the now-sherbet-ed lemon. It had been in a contract he had made with Remus nearly 7 years ago…
"Um…" mummered the small first year as he opened the door to Dumbledore's office.
"Good morning, Remus." Dumbledore smiled at the boy who nervously inched his way into the classroom.
The professor motioned for him to have a seat and Remus gushed suddenly, "ProfessoritsnotthatI'mnothonoredtobeatHogwarts,butIreally-"
Dumbledore smiled again, his eyes twinkling in amusement. "Remus, please talk slower."
"I'm sorry." said the boy, staring at the floor, "I…I…It's not that I'm not honored to be at Hogwarts, but I really think I don't belong here."
"You've barely been here for a full day. How do you know?"
"Um, well, I don't know, sir, but I… something like me doesn't belong here." said the boy, still seemingly interested in the floor, "I think you have all the rights to send me home right now... before I actually hurt someone."
Dumbledore stared at the boy.
"How about we make a deal?"
You see, today was Dumbledore's birthday. The contract was that Remus was to bring Dumbledore a lemon on this day for the next 7 years of his education. In return, Remus was allowed to stay at Hogwarts. It was sort of a silly idea, a joke of course, since Dumbledore was not ready to expel one of the brightest bulbs of the year because of a missing lemon, existing only to give the boy a bit more confidence. But even so, throughout the years, Remus had never failed to bring the lemon. As a sort of prank to Dumbledore, a prank that only the Headmaster would understand, he had dragged the lemon to each of his classes today.
It was ironic that the true prankster du jour, Sirius Black, had decided to throw it at a teacher, Minerva no less. Dumbledore chuckled to himself in his office.
"You'd be amazed how many so-called educators just don't understand the concept of a simple lemon." was all Remus, laying down on his bed in the dormitories, said to the Marauders when they asked him of his punishment.
...Wow. That makes literally no sense, but I did go to the extent of drawing lemons on paper for my friend 'cause she couldn't and I'm just like that! Yes, I am insane, but I do like reviews, so as crazy as this whole thing is, could you please review and tell me if you hated it or not?
I HOPE I JUST WASTED A VALUABLE MOMENT OF YOUR TIME WITH A RANDOM STORY ABOUT LEMONS!!