Summary: Je te veux. Mais. Je ne sais pas pourquoi. GinxKira. Oneshot.

Disclaimers: I do not own Bleach. I had something funny to add to that statement but when I typed it out, it wasn't funny. At all. There's a boring story for y'all. I DO OWN THE NON-EXISTENT/BRUISY/AWKWARD PLOT OF THIS FIC THOUGH. :D

You remember when he brushed his hand against yours on the first day of being his lieutenant. How you tried to think nothing of it, merely an accidental touch, but couldn't quell the fluttering and thumping of your heart. You blushed and looked down at the ink on the paper blurring into an indiscernible mess. Your mind was both blank and filled with thoughts of him. You don't want to think that this is love; you hope that this is not love. What would your parents think if you were attracted to another man, let alone your captain? Your eyes shut in a bid to try to stop the slideshow of images of what could be, between you and him.

He is strange, strange and fascinating to you. He has his quirks of drinking only the tea that you make, telling wonderful anecdotes that you're sure no other captains would ever tell to their subordinates, and touching you. Touching you too lightly to be taken more explicitly, but lingering too long to be dismissed as merely friendliness. Maybe he wants you too? Or so you hope in your little fantasies that strike you when you're alone and desperately wishing that it were him, heart and soul, and not the superficial mannequin in your mind's eye. Your hand reaches down to the familiar heat and you feel guilty and ashamed and aching.

You realise that you are very close to your captain, perhaps closer to your captain than anyone else is closer to theirs, and that is exactly the reason you are in your present situation. He is tired, and wants you to see him to bed, and so you do. You lie to yourself that this is because he is the captain and it is your duty, but deep down in that darker place, you just want to touch him, and know that he is real and not just the fantasy that occupies your thoughts. You take off his haori and when you reach his hakama, your hands tremble and you taste something at the back of your throat, and your heart is beating, beating, beating, and you don't know what to do. You flinch when he grabs your wrist, not hard, but fairly firmly and pulls you forward, facing him. He is sitting on the side of the bed, and you are half-off, half-on. You are pressed close to him, his legs around your body. The position is awkward and hurts your back and your mind is buzzing. You feel his breath, makes you think of the sea for some reason, the sounds of waves and childish happiness and for that moment, you feel that you belong here. Here with him forever.

His eyes are open, and they are blue, but catches the light somehow, and you see a hint of red. How strange, you think. What a peculiar colour, you muse to yourself. You realise that these are merely thoughts of an escapist strategy to divert your panicking mind from the situation. He releases your wrist and your face is still awfully close to his. His hand is now resting on your back. His fingers (that you have gazed upon longingly for what seems to be centuries now, and thought were like that of a pianist) trace patterns on your back and every touch leaves you wanting to close the distance.

He does it for you. His hand moves suddenly from your back onto the back of your head, and your lips touch his. He deepens it, tongue touching yours, and you tentatively touch back, before he licks your lips painfully slowly. Meanwhile, your heart is beating so fast, and it feels as if your ribs cannot contain its motion. His hand moves down to rest on your upper thigh, brushing up and down, and making you harden. He seems to have expected this somehow, however, and dances his fingertips on your hakama over your hardness, and you moan helplessly, and he swallows it when he sweeps his tongue around your virginal orifice.

His hand wraps over yours hanging loosely by your side, and slides his fingers between them. He takes your hand and moves it down to the waist of his hakama, and you are dizzy with both the anticipation of touching him, and fear of the inexorable nature of this act. Your hand moves down and touches him, timidly at first, but encouraged by his hot breaths falling onto your ear, grasps him firmly, his mouth working on your neck reassuring you that you're doing the right thing. Slide your hand up and down, and slick and hot and you still can't believe that this is real. You still think that you're going to wake up alone with come-covered sheets and that familiar lump at the back of your throat like you're about to cry. He comes into your hand with a moan, covering it with warm wetness, and you're unsure of what to do now.

His hand trails through yours, and raises it to your lips, and his eyes tell you what to do. Half-lidded and he watches you drink down his come from his fingers, sucking on them to try to please him, and his ubiquitous smile widens. Your pulse is racing, and you're still hard and wanting. He understands and lays you down on the bed, and is between your legs, hands wandering, reaching you, and kisses your hips, your thighs, before licking quickly and teasingly at the head. You nearly scream, and your hand is automatically raised over your mouth to try to suppress it. He seems to like your muffled moans and breathless sighs, and goes faster. He sucks harshly and your mind is both blank and full of him again, and you think, IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIwantyouIwantyou.

When you come, you can feel yourself falling into everything that is him, and you feel a wetness trailing down your cheek and you're crying, and you pull him forward, and you say, IloveyousomuchIwoulddieforyou. He doesn't reply and the silence is awkward and uncomfortable, and he licks your come from his fingers and says, you have a part of me, and I have a part of you.

He takes off your clothes and he takes off his clothes, and you lie in bed together. You know that this is too soon, but somehow you feel that all the time in the world isn't enough to spend with him. You choke with tears and he kisses your forehead and you hug him close to you, and he wraps his arms tightly around you. You let his hands move you and you move with him.