A/N: I do have some love for Twilight, but sometimes that series seriously just made me grind my teeth. So I just need to let it out through some half assed snark. I'm also typing this whilst wearing fake nails so there will probably some typos that I manage to miss, so if you spot one just give me a little metaphorical slap upside the head please. Actually, I just want any kind of review.

Disclaimer: I'm might be violating the hell out of copy right, so my apologies to Stephanie Meyer.


I was in the being driven to the airport by my mother, whilst wearing an outfit that I describe in detail. My creative writing teacher always told me to engage my readers and I figure that nothing ensnares my target audience of squealing teenage girls quite like clothing.

In the small town of northwest Washington State, a small town named Forks exists under a near constant cover of clouds. Among its distinctive traits are that it supposedly rains there more than any other town in the US and is easily described with morose adjectives in the passive voice. It was also the same town I had been compelled to spend a month in every summer until I was fourteen, until I realized I could get my way like behaving like a massive bitch. Unfortunately for my dad (whom I refer to as Charlie, possibly to illustrate how much difficulty I have forming normal human relationships), he still needed to drag my whiny ass to California for two weeks.

It was to forks that I not exiled myself- an action I took with great horror. I think this possibly qualifies me for some kind of living martyrdom.

I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous sprawling city. Take note of this, because it is the last time I say I am fond of anything but vampires.

"Steph- I mean Bella" my mom said to me- the last of a thousand times- before I got on the plane "You don't have to do this".

My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines (for I am young and beautiful and have nothing of the sort). How could I leave my loving, erratic, hare-brained mother to fend for her self? I was the adult in our relationship, which I am not resentful at all about, nor does it really effect me in anyway except I'll probably ace family and consumer sciences, since I already know how to take care of a home. Of course now she had Phil, so he would probably keep her shit together.

I lied to my mom that I wanted to go. I'd always been a bad liar. This almost sounds like a flaw until you realize that it just means that I'm honest

Now with all this stuff about her new boyfriend and how I really didn't want to go to Forks you might think that Phil was abusing me, or really that there's any other reason I'm going at all, besides the fact that I'm selfless. Stop thinking that now.

After a semi-emotional farewell to my mother I get on a four flight from Phoenix to Seattle another hour in a small plane up to Port Angeles, and then an hour drive back to Forks. These flights probably do not take that length of time, and they may not even exist, but, seriously, why the hell would I bother to research that?

Charlie had really been fairly nice about the whole thing. He seemed genuinely pleased that I was coming to live with him. This has nothing to do with the fact that he is my father. He'd already gotten me registered for high school and was going to help me get a car. By doing this he demonstrates far more regard for others than I ever will.

But it was sure to be awkward with Charlie. Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose (I just got a shiny new thesaurus!). He also thought I was crazy for moving here, seeing as I've whined about Forks at every chance I've gotten.

When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I'd already said my goodbye to the sun, during that first moment of pathetic vampire "symbolism" in the book. Don't worry, the next one is more cringe inducing.

Charlie picked me up in the police cruiser. My main motivation behind wanting to buy a car was that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top. Red and blue totally clash, so I absolutely just couldn't ride in that car, instead of just sucking it up and thanking my dad for wasting gas on me.

It turned out my dad had bought me an old truck from his friend Billy, who is now wheelchair-bound. Before accepting the car, I first had to interrogate my father about its quality.

"When did he buy it?"

"He bought it in 1984, I think."

"Did he buy it new?"

"Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties –or late fifties at the earliest," he admitted sheepishly, rather than tell me off for being an ungrateful little brat.

I finally just take the goddamn thing, and then we talk about the weather. I use this as another opportunity to once again point out that Forks is a yucky place.

When I see the truck, I actually like it, but then use this happiness as just another way to make it sink in that tomorrow would be simply horrid.

I lug all my stuff upstairs. It must have been some serious lugging, because it only took one trip to get all the crap I would need up to my room in one trip. My room has the same décor as it did when I was a child, plus dial up internet. I surprisingly don't whine about these things, because I have bigger and better things to complain about, like the fact that I have to share a bathroom. Apparently, at home, I had my own bathroom that no one else was aloud to so much as step foot in.

One of the best things about Charlie is that he doesn't hover. My frighteningly anti-social tendencies were already starting to rear their ugly head. By nighttime I would be crying my eyes out. See, I'm the only teenager on earth who has ever had to switch to a school where they don't know anyone.

I was insecure about going to school because I don't look like a girl from Phoenix should, as if anyone has any preconceived notions about that anyway. I then describe myself as looking remarkably like my author in one of the most ham-fisted attempts at "show don't tell" to ever grace literature. I honest to god describe myself as being slender but soft. If I were a guy you might think I have erectile dysfunction. By the way, I am pale. It's very important that you get that through your head, for some reason.

I didn't sleep well that night, despite that fact that I probably wasn't being watched by my vampire stal- er, lover yet.