Yes, Carlywarly, Father Dearest?
What is Jasper doing?
He's standing in a corner, silly! Oh, he's just so cyoooote when he pouts!
Let me clarify. Why is my son sulking in that corner? Is he going through another one of his emo stages?
Well, not exactly...he's sort of being punished.
Punished? Whatever do you mean? And why, oh WHY is he wearing nothing but a diaper?
What I mean is that he got himself in trouble, and Esme punished him.
What on Earth did he do?
It's a funny story, really. Jacob was out back before, showing off his ability to start fires by practically just looking at wood (I mean really, that boy is FINE). Jasper was getting a bit....well...you know how Jasper gets.
Are you referring to his notorious mood swings?
Yes, exactly. So one minute he's sitting on Bella's head because he can't seem to leave her alonnnnne, the annoying imbecile, because apparently Little Miss PerkyPants is sooo much happier than me that he has to spend all his time with her, not me --I swear if that boy is having an affair I personally am going to tear him limb from limb and have Jacob light him on fire-- the nerve of some people! I hate him soooo much right now, I really just want to ARGGGGG!
Ok, Carly, so he's being all lovey-dovey, hanging on Bella, and all of a sudden he looks up at Jacob, who is busy setting things on fire about 50 yards away, and, WHAM, Jasper jumps up and lands a couple feet away from Jacob.....and that's when it started.
That's when what started?
Well we weren't sure at first. Jacob just started bursting in and out of his wolf form. Naturally we all sat and stared. Nessie made herself some popcorn. But then Eddykinz ran out of the house waving his arms around like a madman, shouting incomprehensibly and eventually we figured out that Jasper was making Jacob furious, and then not, and then furious, and not....causing him to burst in and out of giant-shaggy-wolf-form. I'm sure Edward caught way more of a glimpse than he'd ever wanted to....
Oh dear lord.
Needless to say, Esme was beyond anger. I mean she was furious for about a second, then Jasper made us all veryyy veryyy sleepy, and the next thing I remember after that, the two of us were in our bedroom and Jasper was wearing a diaper and sucking on a pacifier, and I was in lingerie I've never seen before.
He actually has excellent taste in lingerie. The things that man can do with silk...
Excuse me? I don't think you should be telling me this....
I was kinda creeped out, you know? But he was sending waves of lust at me so, you know, I didn't really wanna leave all that much....But then Esme ran in, because I guess Jasper forgot to keep her from being angry, and then she put him in a corner.
So...Jasper is in time-out?
This entire situation is beyond ridiculous.
Carlisle, do you think you could talk to Esme about letting him go?
Why in the world would I do that? He deserves his punishment!
Well I think the reason you should get him out of time-out is because he's doing that whole Tee-hee-let's-make-Alice-lusty thing and if I don't get him alone soon I think I'm going to be forced to jump Jacob.
This is madness. I don't know what to think.
Too late. Tell Nessie I apologize. JACOOOOB!! HERE BOY!!!!!
For the last time, Alice, he can't hear you! You're writing on a piece of paper!