Here is the other story that I've written. My caving one was rather long, so I tried to be more concise with this one. There's a passing reference to my other story in this one, but nothing vital to the plot. I hope it's as funny as I think it is.


"This is war," she yelled, poised on the wooden table in a camouflage jumpsuit with her gun dangling from her shoulders. "So cut out the pansy 'good luck' and 'nice match' stuff!"

Around her, there were five guys decked out in similar camouflage outfits, staring at Haruhi with a white rage as pure as fallen snow. They could've been mad because she'd just insulted them or because she was standing on their guns and ammo.

Or maybe it was because she had just shot every one of them in the back.

Now I'm sure you're saying, "But Kyon, isn't that what you're supposed to do in paintball? Shoot the opposing team?" And I would say you're right.

Except the match hadn't even started yet.

We ended up at the paintball field because Haruhi found a poster announcing its grand opening. When she suggested the SOS Brigade play, I was completely opposed.

Let me rephrase that. I believed it to be the worst idea ever to befall mankind.

Haruhi Suzumiya wielding a non-lethal gun that leaves marble-sized whelps on the victim -- such a thing should be considered a war crime.

I begged to her to find something else; I even agreed to play baseball again, but she wouldn't have any of it.

"If you really want to play some sport, let's at least find something a little more. . . normal," I argued, but it was pointless.

"The fact that it's not 'normal' is the whole reason we're playing it." Of course, I should have known. "And you shouldn't think of this as a game. After that caving trip, I've started to question your loyalty."

My loyalty? You almost got us killed down there, not to mention you created a little monster whose only purpose was to jump out of the darkness and scare the hell out of me.

"This is a training exercise for the SOS Brigade. I need to make sure everyone can follow orders in the heat of battle."

Why would we need to be able to do that? Are you planning to take over the world with the four of us as your personal army?

As we watched the other team disappear into the woods to hide, Koizumi said, "They seemed rather nice, too. I thought they might take it easy on us."

"But not after Haruhi shot them in the back for wishing us good luck," I add.

"As the attacking team, we must crush them!" Haruhi barked out from her place on a fallen log. "There will be casualties, but my orders are to be followed at all times. Remember, as the commander, I have the right to triage, so if you're not pulling your weight, you'll be put to death."

You're thinking of battlefield doctors, Haruhi, not commanders.

I turned away from where General Suzumiya was rallying the troops and whispered to Koizumi.

"No cheating. If we lose, then Haruhi will just have to deal with it."

The moment I finished making my demand, Haruhi contradicted it.

"And win by any means!"

"Eh," Koizumi groaned. "Just whose orders am I supposed to follow?"

Once the other team was completely hidden away, the referee came over to explain the rules.

"This is an elimination match, best out of three rounds wins. If you get hit twice, you're dead and I'll come pull you out. You're the attacking team right now; next round you'll be the ones to hide. You guys are the blue team; kill every member of the red team to win. And finally, make sure you wear your masks at all times." He paused. "Any questions?"

Sure, I have one: can we go ahead and surrender?

"I'm going to go get set up on the field. When you hear my whistle, the round has begun," he explained before he too disappeared into the forest.

I spent the minutes leading up to whistle surveying my teammates. Asahina-san was looking at her gun like she didn't understand how it worked. Koizumi already had his mask on, which was fine by me since it saved me from seeing the smirk I'm sure he had on. Haruhi had her gun perched on her shoulder pointing at the sky, and I'm surprised she wasn't firing off victory shots into the air. The only one who looked like a real soldier was Nagato, whose emotionless face seemed right at home on some distant battlefield.

Just as I was beginning to enjoy the scenery, the sound of a whistle rang out through the trees.

And with that, Haruhi took off sprinting full speed into the forest, leaving the rest of us trying to catch up.