AN: All right! Took me awhile but I got it! Now, just so everyone knows, this idea had been planned for a long while and became unusable when Iruka and Anko managed to hook up without my permission. For everyone who wanted Gaara/Hinata crack, I apologise in advance, I think I put those two through quite enough and want to let them just be happy but now Iruka's screwed since he caught my attention. I never intended for his role to be quite so large in this story but after his heart to heart with Ino I found I just can't leave him alone. So this crack epilogue is dedicated to our favorite sensei who we all know is just as wild and crazy as the rest of them, he just hides it better!
Crack Epilogue that pretends Iruka didnt get with Anko, at least, not yet.
Tsunade arched a brow and leaned back into her chair as she stared at her assistant. The whole Kazekage mess was over and the redheaded brat was out of her hair but the mystery of Iruka-sensei remained. How on earth did a chuunin teacher get so many of her ninjas to go absolutely insane?
The story of what happened while they were gone, while informative, didn't really explain the sudden attraction. She'd seen him explode at any number of ninja and didn't desire to immediately claim the man. So what changed?
"And he refuses to date anyone?" She asked skeptically. That was another thing. What man was besieged with beautiful kunoichi didn't take advantage of at least one? At the very least he should have dated a couple of them or something and not just avoided them entirely unless what they were saying about Iruka and Kakashi was true but she wouldn't believe that in hundred years.
Kakashi and Iruka. Dating.
Sure and she was secretly in love with Jiraiya.
The only thing she was sure about was that they were hiding something. When asked Kakashi evaded creatively and Iruka glowered while refusing to elaborate. What to do . . .
She'd just drug them and be done with it.
She had too much paperwork to lose one of her best paper pushers to death by spurned kunoichi and her best jounin to heartbreak or death by jealous kunoichi. The only thing was, as a jounin, Kakashi was probably immune to most of her truth serums and Iruka, with his high security clearance, was much the same.
Hmm, she'd just have to get creative then . . .
"Shizune, summon all the kunoichi with the rank of chunnin and above to the roof of the tower in an hour. Tell them we'll get to the bottom of this Iruka thing once and for all. Then summon Iruka to the roof to help set up tables and stuff for an outdoor meeting."
"My lady, what are you going-"
"Just do it, Shizune," Tsunade dismissed her and went to her personal med station to experiment.
In the end, Iruka was an easier target since he was less likely to retaliate.
Exactly forty-five minutes later Iruka absentmindedly wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his forearm and took a deep breath. He'd just finished helping Shizune drag up three tables and assorted chairs as well as sound proof the roof. Luckily only the Hokage really needed to sit along with people recording the meeting. If they had had to bring chairs up for everyone then they wouldn't have been able to finish in time for the meeting. A genjutsu was set up by Kurenai to make it look the area was empty though it was steadily being filled with all mannor of kunoichi.
Truth be told, he was starting to get alarmed at the sheer number of females and his recent experiences with them. Things had thankfully settled down after Lady Tsunade's return though they had by no means gone back to normal.
He gave a reassuring smile to worried looking Kurenai as remembered their conversation a few days prior.
"I swear, Iruka, they're not setting you up for a prank," she insisted, "If they'd wanted you to suffer then there would be nowhere for you to hide." "There is nowhere I can hide," he retorted smartly. "There's a difference between cornering and mauling," she pointed out. "True," he sighed, "You're . . .sure this isn't some weird get the chuunin to go crazy game that jounin get there kicks with?" "My word as a former teacher," she smiled. "All right," Iruka nodded, "I'll . . .try." "That's all anyone's asking."
"I swear, Iruka, they're not setting you up for a prank," she insisted, "If they'd wanted you to suffer then there would be nowhere for you to hide."
"There is nowhere I can hide," he retorted smartly.
"There's a difference between cornering and mauling," she pointed out.
"True," he sighed, "You're . . .sure this isn't some weird get the chuunin to go crazy game that jounin get there kicks with?"
"My word as a former teacher," she smiled.
"All right," Iruka nodded, "I'll . . .try."
"That's all anyone's asking."
"All right," Tsunade's voice interrupted his musings, "Is everyone here?"
Iruka blinked as he noticed with surprise that the meeting was about to begin and tried to slip out unnoticed.
Tsunade caught the back of his vest with a frown, "You okay, Iruka-sensei?"
"What? Oh, yes, I'm fine," he smiled a bit uneasily at his sudden manhandling.
"You seem a bit flushed," she continued to frown, "Here, you look like you need this more than I do."
A drink was shoved into his hands.
"Uh, no, really, I'm fine," he tried to hand it back only for her eyes to narrow dangerously.
He drank it.
One does not question their leader, after all, especially when their leader is a renowned for her medical expertise and explosive temper.
"All right," Tsunade smiled and kept her grip on his vest, "The meeting can begin."
"I'll get out of your way . . ." his leg muscles loosened suddenly and he might have fell had Tsunade had not been holding onto him, "I . . ."
"Iruka-sensei?" Tsunade eyed the man with a small amount of alarm. Had she made a mistake somewhere?
All the kunoichi were breathless with anticipation
"Lady Tsunade," Iruka's voice was low as he pupils dilated, "Be careful, the drink was drugged, there is a traitor in our midst."
"A traitor?" She repeated slowly as she studied the effects, "What are you feeling?"
Iruka's head flopped forward bonelessly before rolling his head onto one shoulder to look at her. He gave a slow blink, "Like I just down twelve bottles of sake."
"Oh? How do you know you didn't just drink twelve bottles of sake?" Tsunade asked, curious at the exact number.
"No, I promised I never would again," he shook his head slowly, "Not after what happened last time."
"Happened last time?" When she only got a nod she rephrased, "What happened?"
"Can't tell. It's a secret," he shook his head.
"A secret involving Kakashi?"
Betrayed brown eyes lifted to met hers, "Who told you? Was it Kakashi? He swore he'd never tell."
Iruka's expression turned mulish, "This is why I don't drink."
"Why don't you drink?"
"Because it's embarrassing," he hissed as his shoulders hunched.
"Well, it's not like he doesn't do it, too," Iruka turned smug suddenly, "I just do it better."
Tsunade glared at the rambling chuunin. Sure, he was talking but he still wasn't letting anything slide! She'd have to take another approach.
"I don't believe you. I think Kakashi can do it better."
"What?" Iruka squawked and pulled away from her, "There's no way he's better! I taught him everything he knows about dancing . . .except that one move with the leg thing but-"
"Dancing?" Tsunade blinked.
Iruka paused and gave her a confused look, "What about dancing?"
"Who told you?" Iruka was horrified and glanced around the room, "Did they tell all of you, too?"
"You're a better dancer than Kakashi," Tsunade stated slowly, "I don't believe it."
"What?" Iruka frowned, "Of course I'm a better dancer. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Dance for us," a random kunoichi called out.
He turned red, "Ah, no, I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not what?" He blinked.
Tsunade pursed her lips and then leaned in closely, "I don't think you can dance at all."
Iruka's expression was shocked for all of two seconds when his eyes narrowed, "Oh?"
"Yes, a mere chuunin," she sneered. "Hardly worth my time."
Iruka leaned in suddenly, "By the time I'm done . . .you'll regret you ever said that."
He dashed away suddenly with his hands flashing signs and a clone poofed into existence.
"Um, Lady Tsunade-"
"Quiet, Sakura, and that goes for you, too, Ino."
Ino's mouth snapped shut.
"Shut it, Shizune."
"That goes for you, too, Tenten."
"I must protest."
"Kurenai," Tsunade blinked at the her with surprise, she was usually so mellow. "You object?"
"Yes," Kurenai voiced firmed, "You shouldn't push, Iruka-sensei-"
"You doubt me, too?" Iruka was there suddenly, "My former colleges and students doubt my abilities . . ."
All the girls cringed while Kurenai looked absolutely mortified, "Iruka-"
He pulled out a scroll, bit his thumb, and tossed it to the clone who caught it gracefully.
"I guess I still have a lesson to teach you girls," he unzipped his vest and tossed that to the clone as well, "That you should never underestimate anyone. No matter how strong one is doesn't mean they can never be caught off guard."
"That's a pretty lesson," Tsunade smirked, "But I can't see you backing it up or making me regret anything. For one you're pretty plain and I can't see you being sexy-"
"Plain? Sexy?" He grinned suddenly, "Really?"
"Really," She parroted a bit wary. He shouldn't have been happy to be considered plain. "Not sexy at all."
He threw back his head and laughed.
"By the time I'm done," he signaled his clone who was arranged behind a .. . .keyboard? "You'll think I'm sexy. In fact, you'll think I'm too sexy for my love."
Everyone blinked at the suddenly deepened voice.
"Too sexy for my love. Love's going to leave me," Iruka jumped on the desk as his clone started to pound a jaunty tune out the keyboard, "I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts."
The shirt went flying to reveal a tan muscled torso that was beginning to move to the music.
"And I'm too sexy for the Mist, too sexy for the Mist, the Sand, and the Cloud."
No one would ever forget what happened next as Iruka moved to the music in a way that can only be described as flaunting his body. Every pose, every twist, and every turn he took on top of that desk was designed to show off a body that no one had ever looked twice at but couldn't help but stare at now with shock, fascination, and good old-fashioned lust. They couldn't help cheering as random articles of clothing flew through the air as the song dictated.
His former students found themselves backed against a wall as they tried to deny what they were seeing. There was no way that Iruka-sensei, their Iruka-sensei, could be . . .
"I'm too sexy for my class. Too sexy for my class. Too sexy by far. And I'm too sexy for my hat. Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that," Iruka tossed his forehead protector across the room and a few strands escaped from his ever present ponytail. "I'm a model you know what I mean and I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk, yeah. I shake my little touche on the catwalk."
Kurenai desperately made her way to the clone. Iruka was never going to forgive her after he came to his senses! She'd just convinced the man that they weren't setting him up for a prank! He was going to be so pissed!
The clone grinned at her as she approached but frowned as she made a swipe at his keyboard to turn it off. He pulled the keyboard out of reach but not before she hit a button on it that changed the keyboard from synthesized piano to drums and trumpets.
Iruka paused mid head toss and smoothly slid into complicated hip movement as the song changed from light and jaunty to rhythmic and bouncy as he came off the desk.
"They call me Cuban Pete, I'm the king of the rumba beat. When I play the maracas I go chick chicky boom. Chick chicky boom." His voice had lightened slightly and sang with an accent unknown to most people in the room but most found incredibly attention grabbing as he rolled his r's in a way that suggested he could roll his tongue in other interesting ways.
A couple of Anbu grabbed Kurenai so she couldn't interfere any further as they watched Iruka's hips gyrate hungrily.
"Yes, sir, I'm Cuban Pete. I'm the craze, of my native street. When I start to dance, everything goes chick chicky boom. Chick chicky boom." He grabbed a surprised jounin and leaned in close, "So if you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete and I'll teach you to chick chicky boom. Chick chicky boom. Chick chicky boom!"
He placed his hands on the jounin's hips and moved them to match his as she hesitantly placed her hands on his shoulders as she slowly started to get the rhythm, "Si Senorita, I know that you would like to chicky boom chick. It's very nice! So full of spice! I place my hand on your hip and if you will just give me your hand. Then we shall try, Just you and I…" He placed a hand on her lower back and slowly pushed their hips together.
Another jounin jumped between them to separate them.
"AYE-AYE-AYE! So if you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete, and I'll teach you to chick chicky boom. Chick chicky boom. Chick chicky boom!"
They started scuffling and knocked into the clone's keyboard. The sound changed to a piano and the music changed to a lazy kind of beat.
All eyes swung to Iruka as his hips stilled and he started to do a half-strut half swagger across the room.
"Oh, well I'm the type of guy who will never settle down," his voice, much closer to his regular voice, had roughened as he leered lightly at all the women in the room as he moved through them, "Where pretty girls are, well, you know that I'm around. I kiss 'em and I love'em 'cause to me they're all the same. I hug 'em and I squeeze 'em. They don't even know my name. They call me the wanderer, yeah, the wanderer. I roam around, around, around…"
He growled as he bumped his hips against a fellow chuunin's butt making her squeal as she scooted away.
"Oh, well I roam from town to town. I go through life without a care and I'm as happy as a clown. With my two fists of iron but I'm going on my way. I'm the type of guy that likes to roam around. I'm never in one place I roam from town to town-"
Shizune made a successful grab at the keyboard but was immediately jumped and the keyboard handed back to the clone.
"All right, that's enough!" Tsunade yelled, "No one touches that damn keyboard! I want him to finish a damn song!"
Iruka exchanged a grin with his clone and nodded as the clone started an urgent beat.
Tsunade harrumphed as she glanced around for the chuunin. She had to admit she had been pleasantly surprised by his . . .talent. She'd never call him plain again that was for sure! Still, he was a hundred years too soon before he'd make her regret anything-
Her hands were snagged in tan ones and her eyes were caught by smoldering, chocolate brown eyes.
"Listen to me, baby, you gotta understand," his true voice emerged, smooth and urgently sincere, "You're old enough to know the makings of a man," her hand was pressed against his chest, "Listen to me, baby, it's hard to settle down. Am I asking too much for you to stick around?"
She tried to back off and pull away only to find an arm had snaked around her waist that pulled her flush against him with her breasts crushed against his naked chest.
"Every boy wants a girl," he lilted pleasantly as he swayed them back and forth, "He can trust to the very end. Baby, that's you," he stroked her cheek with one hand, "Won't you wait but 'til then . . ."
He took a step out so, while his arm was still around her waist, their bodies were now side by side as he pumped one fist into the air.
"When I see lips beggin' to be kissed-"
"Stop," Tsunade ordered.
"I can't stop," he bounced which forced her to bounce.
"Stop," she tried again.
"I can't stop myself," he yanked across the front of his body with the arm around her waist and tripped her into a dip where he then preceded slant his mouth across hers as he clone sang out, "Lightning is striking again. Lightning is striking again."
Everyone watched with disbelief as Iruka kissed the Hokage in what had to be an absolutely mind-blowing kiss if one where to judge by how little the Hokage was fighting the embrace.
He pulled away and he clutched his head, "Nature's takin' over my one-track mind."
She plopped to the floor to she stare at the chuunin with wide eyes that helplessly tracked his movement as he dodged at retraining hands.
"Believe it or not, you're in my heart all the time. All the girls are sayin' that you'll end up a fool. For the time being, baby, live by my rules," he slipped between Yugao and Anko as his voice became lilting again, "When I settle down, I want one baby on my mind. Forgive and forget and I'll make up for all lost time," then urgent as his pursuers stopped at Yugao's signal, "If she's put together fine and she's readin' my mind. I can't stop. I can't stop myself."
His clone sang out again as Iruka kissed Yugao, "Lightning is striking again," and then Anko, "Lightning is striking again. And again and again and again."
A male chuckle sounded and suddenly Kakashi was crouched next to her, "How on earth did you manage to get him to drink enough to get drunk? With this many people here?"
"Kakashi," Tsunade blinked at him and then glared, "What makes you think I have anything to do this?"
"I remember him swearing not to drink ever again, especially enough that would make him do this," Kakashi tilted his head at her, "Which means you drugged him." He chuckled again, "You really should have picked me instead of Iruka-sensei. He's not going to be happy when he comes to his senses."
"He's a chuunin," she snapped defensively and then immediately bit her tongue as Kakashi straightened to stare down at her from her position on the floor. That's it! She needed to read the chuunin's personal file as soon as she got a free moment!
She got to her feet and ignored his amusement, "How do I get him to stop?"
"Well," Kakashi drew out the word considering when Iruka spotted him.
"Kakashi!" Iruka yelled out excitedly and the music changed suddenly to a mellow guitar, "Brother bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime. His sister had another one, she paid it for a lime. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up. She put the lime in the coconut, she drank them both up. She put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up and said, "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take, I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache? I say, Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take, I say, Doctor, to relieve this belly ache?"
Tsunade and Kakashi watched as Iruka danced with a looseness of the obviously drunk, or drugged, limbs flowing and knees bending into twists of a relaxed dance.
"Now let me get this straight," Kakashi glanced at her and then to the shock of all sang, "Put the lime in the coconut, you drank them both up. Put the lime in the coconut, you drank them both up. Put the lime in the coconut, you drank them both up. Put the lime in the coconut, you called your doctor, woke him up, And say, 'Doctor."
"Ain't there nothing I can take," Iruka smiled whimsically as Kakashi started to imitate his movements perfectly. "I say."
"Doctor," They sang together.
"To relieve this belly ache?" Iruka grinned, "I say."
"Doctor." They sang together.
"Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take, I say." Iruka danced off.
"Doctor," they sang together and then Kakashi repeated, "dooooctor."
"To relieve this belly ache?" Iruka grabbed Anko and pulled her behind him where Kakashi put his hands on her hips to get them to move in the same rhythm.
They sang together and randomly added more women to their dancing line with Iruka in the front and Kakashi in the back.
"Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both together. Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, drink them both up. Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning. Wouh wouh wouh wouh wouh."
Someone leaned in, "Did you drug Hatake, too?"
"No," Tsunade was mildly disturbed.
Iruka snagged Tenten and pulled into a hug, "I've always liked your buns."
Tenten turned red as her eyes widened with alarm.
He just passed her behind him harmlessly before he caught Ino from where she was sneaking off, "Ino."
Ino swallowed, "I'm dating Naruto!"
He blinked and then grinned, "I'm so happy!" He hugged her tightly to his sweatslicked torso and whispered, "Taught him a few moves that should make you happy." He leered at her playfully before pushing the red-faced girl gently behind him to join the line.
"Iruka-sensei," she pulled out of reach, "You've been drugged."
"Drugged?" He smiled bemused, "Is that a fact, doctor? Ain't there nothin' I can take?" Iruka turned suddenly to Anko who had vigilantly remained behind him, "Who's a better dancer me or Kakashi?"
"I am," Kakashi poofed to the front of the line.
"You used your sharingan to copy all my moves," Iruka sniffed, "Besides, I'm sexier." He pulled out his ponytail and his long hair fell to his shoulders. "See, Anko agrees."
He grinned at her gob smacked expression and suddenly did a face plant or would have if Kakashi hadn't caught him.
"There's really no way to stop him when he gets like this," Kakashi settled the teacher in his lap, "You just have to let him burn it out of his system."
"I see," Tsunade edged closer.
"His family had a deep love of music and he has a background in infiltration plus," Kakashi grinned, "He used to be shameless."
"Used to be?"
The jounin shrugged, "That was before I met him. Thought he was all uptight before we got drunk together and he . . .well, got friendly."
"Kakashi," Kurenai groaned, "You know nothing ever happens. He always has a goal when he . . .used to drink."
"Did you know him when he was shameless?" Tsunade asked.
"Unfortunately, no, you'd have to ask his old team," Kurenai rubbed her rope burned wrists, "Though, I doubt they'll be any more open about it. They've all changed."
"Apparently, they were an entire act," Anko crouched down next to Kakashi concerned, "I remember a few stunts in the academy. He used to be such a . . ."
"Class clown," Ino swallowed, "He told me that he was the class clown just like Naruto. That they were similar and would play pranks to get attention."
"He seemed like such a . . ." Tsunade trailed off.
"Stick in the mud," Kakashi smiled, "He is and he isn't though I've never heard him sing those songs before. . . I'll have to invite some girls over next time-"
Everyone froze as the chuunin groaned.
"Iruka," Kakashi leaned over the chuunin and obstructed his view of the room.
"Kakashi?" Iruka's voice was weak, "Shit. I did it again."
"Yes, you did," he remarked merrily.
Iruka sighed and went still as he realized he was shirtless, "Why is my shirt gone?"
"Because you took it off."
"Ah," he relaxed back into his lap, "At least I'm not in a dress this time."
Kakashi's eye tilted up merrily, "Hey, Iruka-sensei, I like your body and I think you're sexy. I didn't want to hesitate to let you know."
Iruka glanced up at him puzzled by the remark, "Wha-"
He froze as he caught a glimpse of his surroundings.
"I wasn't drinking. I was working. I was drugged. I warned Lady Tsunade that there was a traitor," Iruka sat up and glanced around the room, "I made a clone."
It waved at him and poofed.
Iruka's eyes widened as his face turned an alarming shade of red before his head went down. His hair slid forward to cover his eyes though didn't quite cover his clenched jaw.
"You drugged me, Lady Hokage?" He asked softly.
"Yes," Tsunade was unrepentant, "I needed to know what it was about you that had my kunoichi so crazy about you."
"You couldn't just ask me?" He voice was still soft though now there was a layer of steel beneath it.
Tsunade watched as he quietly got to his feet and turned those eyes on her. Killing intent flooded the room as his hair shadowed his face in a way that was almost menacing.
"I'm the Hokage," she pointed out defensively.
"Yes, I know," he smiled sweetly at her though that only alarmed her further as the killing intent only increased.
Kakashi handed him his shirt and vest, "Iruka-"
"Save it," Iruka snapped as some venom escaped before he smiled pleasantly once more, "I know you weren't in on it. My apologies."
The teacher bowed and walked stiffly off the roof.
Kakashi turned to Tsunade, "I'd be careful for the next couple of days if I were you."
"Wait, so you and Iruka just hang out and dance?" She frowned.
"Well, we do a lot more than that," he shrugged and poofed out.
The roof was silent for a moment when Anko glared at the Hokage, "Why did you do that? Now, he won't trust any of us."
"I don't have to explain myself to any of you," Tsunade snapped though guilt was starting to gnaw on her conscious.
"Well, you can count me out of any more-" Anko turned and ran right into the teacher they thought had left, "Iruka-"
Iruka grabbed Anko's hand, "Come on, we're leaving."
"We are?" Anko let herself be dragged away by her hand.
"Yes," Iruka paused, "Unless you don't want to date me-"
"Let's go!" She cheerfully slung the chuunin over her shoulder and poofed out.
"Oh," Shizune remarked sadly, "Well, I guess that's that."
"Like hell it is," Yugao snorted, "You weren't kissed by him."
"I'll second that," Tsunade blew out a breath before noticing everyone was staring at her. "What? The man knows how to kiss!"
AN: Don't hate me! I couldn't restrain myself!
I'm too sexy by Right Said Fred
Cuban Pete as sung by Jim Carrey in The Mask
The Wanderer by Dion
Lightning Strikes by Lou Christie
Lime in the Coconut by Jimmy Buffet
If you think I'm sexy by Rod Stewart