Timmy Turner and Philosopher's Stone
Warning: This is before the new season, where the last episode was the third joint episode with Jimmy Neutron (Meaning: No Fairy baby). Don't ask about the timeline, either.
Note to Self: Be more random next time. I could've done better. I read it, and I admit I was bored. Now I know why this was never done before.
However, AtlanDrag and I will try again someday. We'll try to make it funnier, but I'm not very good at random. It'll probably be a (much) longer one-shot, with scenes skipped, all the way through. Eh, I won't know until I start it.
Written by Rihaan and AtlantianDragoness.
Timmy Turner was bored.
But, then again, Timmy was that about 50 percent of his life, bored of everything every other hour, and it seemed that he was becoming more bored each and every time. Or at least to Timmy's point of view. It was to the point that the old phrase 'to die of boredom' seemed like an actual cause of death, right up there with heart attack. But, like everything else, the topic became boring and was soon dropped. Everything seemed to be boring lately, and he didn't seem to know what was missing. After all, he had fairy godparents that would poof up his every need. But something was still missing in his life.
Next week, March 21, would be his eleventh birthday. It felt like years had gone by for him to get to this age, but it finally happened. He had thought that with his birthday growing ever closer, he would be more and more excited. He was wrong. He was just as bored as ever, if not more. What did he need to do to have some fun around here? He had already played all of his video games, and he didn't want to cause another power surge (or lose his life) if he played one of Cosmo and Wanda's custom-made games. He had already locked Vicky in the closet with a rabid bunny, though the bunny was probably suffering more. His parents wouldn't be home for an hour and a half. His best friends, AJ and Chester, were paired together with his back-up friends, Elmer and…Sanjay, for a project by Mister Crocker. As usual, he didn't care much about that, because he would be even more bored, if that was possible. He was inexplicably and overwhelmingly bored. And he was getting bored of that.
Just then, Cosmo poofed out of his bowl to hover in front of the boy. "You didn't see anything," he whispered to Timmy as he waved a hand past his face, then retreat under the bed. Timmy gave off a tired sigh, too bored to ask Cosmo what he had done this time and tell him that hiding under the bed is the most obvious hiding place. Seconds later, Wanda came up out of the fishbowl and changed from goldfish to fairy in an instant. She had a smile, which confused Timmy a bit.
"Hey, sport," she said, lazily watching two bright green eyes that peered from under the bed, "what do you want to do today after I catch Cosmo?" Timmy, for the first time in days, smiled. Despite all his efforts (if you could call it that), Cosmo would be found in seconds, so Wanda didn't even have to look for him herself.
"What are you doing?" Timmy asked with a wide yawn, not bothering to cover it up.
"Playing Hide-and-Seek," she explained, mentally chastising him on his manners. "Nothing you want to do today?" She asked again.
"Wanda," he started with another yawn, falling forward to lie snake-style on the bed, "how do you guys stay so energetic? You guys are always peppy and playing around. How do you do it?"
Wanda seemed to think of this for a moment. She knew this would come up eventually, that he would notice that they were so enthusiastic and fun, and ask about it soon enough. But he wasn't supposed to ask yet. She thought he would wait until his birthday. But before she could tell him to 'wait until the time was right', Cosmo floated out of his hiding place to speak.
"Isn't it obvious, Timmy?" he asked. "It's because we have magic!"
Timmy looked to Wanda for confirmation, since he naturally didn't believe anything that Cosmo says before Wanda confirmed it.
Wanda, seeing that there was no escape, nodded. "When you have magic, it kind of…keeps you occupied. I mean, you can do anything! Fly…"
"Make food appear that's fatty…" Cosmo continued, making a giant lollipop appear which he promptly shoved in his mouth.
"And you can weigh nothing and float…"
"And we can have magic battles…" Cosmo, still equipped with the sucker, now conjured up a giant boot and hurled it at his wife.
"…and no one can get hurt," a now glaring Wanda said in response to the magical shoe that had beamed her in the head. "So that's why it's fun, Timmy. Having magical powers is having limitless fun!" She stopped abruptly. She said too much. She was too caught up that she spoke it without realizing it. Now, knowing Timmy, he's going to want magical powers.
"How does a kid get magical powers?" He asked cautiously, the first tinge of excitement surging through him in weeks. He had remembered what happened when he wished he was a fairy, and he did not want to make that mistake again.
"All you got to do is wish for it!" Cosmo squealed with a smile, throwing his arms out. The lollipop went flying out of his hands and out the window.
Somewhere a cat screeched.
The green haired fairy was oblivious to his wife's thoughts, and the dagger-eyed stare she was giving him. All he wanted was to grant a wish. It was about time.
"Is there anything I should know before I wish for it?"
Wanda blinked once, then twice, forgetting about her rage. Since when did Timmy care about the repercussions? He had certainly grown up over the almost three years they had been with him, she surmised. "Well, there are a few," she said slowly, thinking if there were any more. She had never granted this wish before, so she didn't have much knowledge on it. There were very few people in history that had thought of this wish, and she was slightly proud of Timmy for doing it, even though he inadvertently had help. "You won't have the same freedoms of fairies. You'll have magical powers but you won't know how to use them. You'll have a wand, but it'll be different than ours. You can do…mostly the same as our magic, but you can't fly unless you have a broom."
"Mom has a lot of those," Timmy scoffed.
"You can use one of those brooms, but they're too slow," Cosmo warned him with his cheery voice. "You need to go fast, really really really really really fast! Like a Nimbus! I could get you one of those."
"Anyway," Wanda said with a glare directed at the two for being interrupted, "to use your magic, you'll have to use incantations. You know what that means, right?" Timmy gave her an annoyed look. "Okay, then. We'll get your wand a little bit later. We'll also need to get the books that you can use to learn spells, otherwise the only thing you can do is accidental magic when you're angry or something. You have to be advanced to do magic without talking."
Timmy gave a heavy sigh. Of course he needed to study. Why did he have to study? He couldn't wish that he knew every spell, because he would automatically forget them during a battle or magical game. Well, at least he could learn something for a fun reason.
"There is another thing," Wanda said timidly. "Once you wish for magic…it's permanent. There is no wish-back. You could stop using magic, but it will always be a part of you. You will be a… a wizard… for life. Once you use it enough, your magic will eventually help you run your blood, pump your heart, move your body. You will partly depend on the magic – literally – flowing through your veins. If the magic was taken back out, you would be weak and fragile. You'd have to be in intense care for months, or years to go back to normal, depending on how long you used magic. It could prove fatal, and no matter how bad you want the magic out of your body, I won't risk it."
Wanda took a deep breath. "So…do you want to wish it?"
Timmy looked at Wanda for a few seconds in deep thought. Was it worth it? It wouldn't be that much of a life-changer, except that he could do magic just like his Fairy Godparents. He heavily doubted that he would want to get rid of magic. They said that he would learn spells from a book, so he wouldn't have to learn under Jorgen von Meathead. He could fly a broom. With any luck, he could find a spell to make himself fly. He saw no downside to this. A small smile showed on his face, his buck teeth shining. He looked up at Wanda, who seemed to know what he was thinking, because she already had her wand out and a smile on her face.
"I wish I was a wizard!"
Ronald Weasley, the youngest Weasley boy in the family, was eating a meal at the table with his sister. His father, Arthur, was at work; His brothers, Charlie, Percy, Fred and George were at Hogwarts; His oldest brother, Bill, was in another country, he forgot where. His mother, Molly, was at their neighbor's house. He was eating quietly – minus the smacking of lips and the moans of tastiness coming from both of their lips – with his little sister, his only sister, Ginny.
He was thinking about the visit from the Headmaster of his future school a few weeks ago. Apparently, The Boy Who Lived is coming to Hogwarts next year, the same time he was going to school. The Headmaster wants him to sit in the compartment with him and become friends with him to make sure he doesn't go dark like You-Know-Who. That would be easy, he thought. All he had to do was talk to him a bit and make sure that everyone else backed off. He would do anything for Albus Dumbledore, leader of the light. Anyway he heard that the Boy Who Lived was also a bit rich. What was his name again? Hairy Something? He didn't read much, so he didn't know.
A fat, gray-haired balding rat hopped on the table, hoping to get a taste of the delicious meal that was served. Ron growled in frustration. The stupid rat never seemed to like his rat food. Why did Percy ever give him this worthless creature?
Before he could grab him and toss him (lightly, of course) off the table, a sharp pain raged through him. He yelled as it shot through his body like lightening, and was over as soon as it started. As he tried to breathe out the gasp of surprise, a larger and longer pain coursed through him like lava (if he knew what that was). He screamed and thrashed around in his chair, his breath staggering, before falling out completely. He rolled on the floor, still in great pain that felt like it wouldn't come down anytime soon. He distantly felt his sister shaking his arm before leaving to go tell his mum.
"I'll see you later, Selena," Molly said with a wave and a smile.
"I'll see you, too, Molly."
After Selena closed her door, hearing a small pop, she made a beeline towards her lab room upstairs. She saw her daughter, Luna, waiting for her, checking out one of the radishes she uses in some potions. Selene smiled at her daughter. She was so curious about everything around her.
When Luna finally noticed her mother, she smiled back. "Hello, mum! Are you gonna do another spell?"
Selene nodded as she pulled out her wand and stood a safe distance away from her daughter. "Yes. It's a new spell that I've been developing. It's pretty complicated, but if I do it enough times, I should get it right. Don't even think about trying it." She paused to wait for Luna's nod. After she received it, she continued with a smile. "Do you want to see a demonstration?"
Luna's quick nodding made her chuckle. She grabbed a book that was on her desk and walked back towards her cleared area. She turned the pages in the book until she found the right one. She took her preferred stance and took a deep breath.
Before she could say the incantation, a loud CRACK of Apparition alerted her, startling her to drop the wand on to the book, emitting a spark from the wand and the book to engulf in flames seconds later. Selena was oblivious to this, as she ran to the window to see her friend holding Ron's screaming body to her chest. He seemed to be in convulsions while Molly was clearly distressed. She took in the scene of Molly running towards her front door, Ginny in tow, before she ran downstairs, her own daughter following, wondering what had happened.
For a moment, Luna Lovegood couldn't help but feel incredibly thankful for something.
Timmy felt a surge through him like a small electric shock. Or was it just excitement? Then, he felt and saw a warm golden glow surround his body. The magic was pouring in him, filling him like a cup. This continued for a few minutes, feeling the power of having magic itself flow through your veins like blood, feeling a power he never felt before, until the glow abruptly stopped.
Timmy had only one word.
"What's happened to my Ronnie?" Mrs. Weasley frantically asked the Healer.
"There is no easy way for me to tell you this," he said, regret etched into his voice. It was obvious that it was tragic news.
"Oh, Merlin, is he dead?" She asked frightfully. Selena and Xenophilius wrapped an arm around her, while Arthur stood, shocked.
"No, he's not," the Healer quickly denied, "it's not that at all!"
"Thank goodness," she whispered, relief very visible on her sweaty face.
"But he does have a problem…that cannot be reversed."
"What is it?" Selena asked with rising trepidation.
"He's…he's a…a squib."
Suffice to say, Molly fainted.
"So what do we do now?" Timmy asked them, "get some books?" Normally, he wouldn't say, or even think, the word 'book', especially with an 's', but he wanted to test his new magic abilities.
"I guess we could," Wanda said after a moment of thought. "We have plenty of time. We can get your wand, too."
"And your broom," Cosmo yelled. It seemed like he really wanted to buy the broom.
"How much money will I need?" Timmy asked them.
"Oh, forgot about that. You see, Timmy, wizards use a different method of money. They're in the forms of Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts. Galleons are big and gold coins. Sickles are medium-sized silver coins. Knuts are small bronze coins with a hole in the middle."
"Wait… There are other wizards?"
Wanda nodded. "There are a lot of Wizards, but they didn't wish for it. They were born with magic."
Timmy was new to this. "There are humans born with magic? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Statute of Secrecy. It's a law that forbids anyone with magic to tell anyone with no magic."
Timmy was sad that he wasn't born with magic. Then again, if he wasn't, he probably wouldn't have met Cosmo and Wanda. He sighed. "We'll talk about it later. You said something about money, right? I guess I'll have to borrow some from my parents. Do they have an ATM or something?"
Cosmo nodded. "But you'll have to deal with those mean old Goblins."
"Just because they were neutral during that stupid war, you're against them," Wanda grumbled.
Timmy paid no attention, but walked downstairs to hear heavy pounding on the closet door. "GET ME OUT OF HERE, TWERP!!!"
"Not a chance," Timmy said, more to himself. He looked over to Vicky's black purse and smiled. Maybe he didn't have to wait for his parents. He looked in the purse to find a spiked dog collar. Which was very peculiar, because Vicky's dog, Doydle, never wore this collar, not to mention that it was a lot skinnier than Doydle's neck. Timmy shrugged and tossed it over his shoulder where it imbedded itself in the closet door, ignoring the responding shriek, then kept searching until he found her change purse. As he zipped it open, cash erupted from inside like a shaken soda can. Timmy quickly scooped it as much as he could fit in his pockets, then hastily shoved the rest back where it came from. He returned upstairs to see Wanda holding a black cloak.
"This is what wizards wear," she explained to him. "This is a Wizard's Cloak. If you dress like them, you'll fit in with them. If you don't dress like them, they might not appreciate you."
"What d'you mean?" He asked her.
"Aw, we'll worry about that later," Cosmo interrupted. "Timmy, we're going to show you a place where the wizards roam."
"Which is?" Timmy asked excitedly, slipping into the robe that Wanda gave him. He felt the smooth silk and decided then and there that he loved this Wizard's world, even though he hadn't even seen it yet.
"We're going to take you to…hold on…" Wanda raised her wand to Cosmo, and a pink poof later, there was a green mouse in Cosmo place. She then transformed herself into a pink mouse and landed on Timmy's shoulders. "Ready to go?" She asked as Cosmo crawled to the other shoulder.
After the jittery nod, Cosmo and Wanda raised both of their wands and the trio poofed out of the Turner house.
"Welcome to Diagon Alley!" Cosmo yelled.
Timmy opened his eyes and smiled.
He loved Wizards.
Rihaan's Notes: Never really tried parodies, but it's worth a shot. I always loved Fairly Oddparents, I always loved Harry Potter, I always hated Ron, put it all together and something really messed up happens that's beyond anyone's control.
Inspired by Ruskbyte's 'Something Grim This Way Comes'.
AtlantianDragoness's Notes: This whole thing was pretty much Rihaan's idea, but he wanted my help on it. So, yeah, not much to say after that.