A/N: Don't listen to Hidan's intro. It was all because of my seventh grade language arts teacher. She gave us a creative writing assignment and I waited until the last possible moment to write it... and this was the only thing I could thing of. So... yeah. OH! If you've read Neji's Sent To A Mental Institute by Neji-Is-A-Caged-Bi-8D (which you totally should if you haven't. It has some other characters, but they're kickass characters. And not just because I'm one of them. Cough.) this is where the 'Stupid soccer mom, McDonalds is for albinos' thing comes from. And Hidan is pretty damn OOC... but I like-a the helpless little Hidan-chan I have created. D
Disclaimer: I don't own Kakuzu, Hidan, McDonalds, Wal-Mart, or Pringles. I do, however, own the psycho soccer mom and her daughter.
Dedication: Yes. ANOTHER dedication. This is for Kendra-senpai, because she's the one that SAID 'Stupid soccer mom, McDonalds in for albinos' when she read this. Also, for helping me with the ass kicking title.
It was all because I was albino. That was the only reason any of this happened.
But, if I wasn't there would be no story here. It would have just been your average trip to McDonalds with an old guy and an immortal.
I'm sure you don't care about this intro, but that's just too damn bad.
But, I'll get to the point here...
A seemingly endless stream of cusses left Hidan's mouth... against his will.
"We're here, aren't we? Shut up." Kakuzu said with a long, bored sigh.
"But... I'm hungry, seriously." Hidan whimpered, suddenly becoming innocent in a creepy (but cute), out of character way. His pink eyes shimmered in the most impossibly cute way. Kakuzu sighed.
"What do you want me to do? Kill everybody in the line?"
"That would be nice." Ah yes. Just your typical day at McDonalds. People were trying not to stare at Hidan's albinism and how drug dealer-like Kakuzu looked, not to mention his (sexy) creepy eyes. But there were weirder people. Like two sided man plants and shark people and she-man bombers... but they're another story.
Hidan glared at his tan partner in crime (Yeah, that was lame.) "This is all your fault."
"One, we've been standing in the line for three whole minutes. Two, how is this my fault?"
"You're the one who was fucking driving!!" Kakuzu grew bored of his whining partner and focused on a random sign from the dollar menu while Hidan ranted. "Hey, grandpa! Are you even fucking listening to me?!" He called Kakuzu a few things one shouldn't say in a public place, especially one with small children. One mother covered her daughter's ears. People sent dirty looks at him and the McDonalds workers exchanged glances. A few preppy looking college girls giggled and one of them said something about him being cute. Kakuzu's emerald eyes glared at Hidan, a certain bloodlust glowing within them.
"Hidan, shut up and stop drawing attention to us. You're embarrassing me and yourself." Hidan shot a glare at Kakuzu, a smug look on his pale face.
"Good!" Hidan went on in his angry rambling. Through it all, he heard a little girl ask,
"Mommy, why are that man's eyes pink?" Hidan's rambling and ranting stopped abruptly. He glared down at the little girl.
"I was born like this, brat." Flames seemed to light up in the eyes of the little girl's mother.
"What did you call her?"
"What the he-" Was all Hidan could say before the woman started beating him to smithereens with her purse. "AH! Ka... ku... zu! Get... psycho... lady... away... from... me!" He wailed between smacks of the purse. Kakuzu sighed, for like... the third time. Why did Hidan have to be so... Hidan-ish? Everyone in McDonalds gasped in unison as his forearms came detached, the black threads being the only things keeping them attached to the rest of him. He grabbed the woman by the shoulders and yanked her off his partner. She struggled in midair, shouting at Hidan, who on the other hand, scrambled over to Kakuzu and clung to his cloak in utter fear, small tears in the corners of his eyes. Which, was saying quite a lot, considering he wasn't afraid of anything, really; rabid fangirls or crazy people with chainsaws. Or a combination of the two (Yes, Danna. I'm talking about YOU.) However, soccer moms with heavy purses was apparently a different story.
Then, a demented super hero fanfare played as the McDonalds manager entered the scene. Yes, with his spiffy pocket protector and neat-o clip-on tie, he was there to save the day.
"What's going on here?" He asked. The psycho soccer mom pointed directly at the trembling Hidan, who was still clinging -in a rather pathetic looking way- to the extremely annoyed Kakuzu.
"That foul-mouthed, albino freak insulted by daughter!" Everyone except Hidan and the psycho soccer mom (and yes, that includes the little girl Hidan called a brat) sweat dropped at how truly pathetic that sounded.
"I... see..." The manager started. "Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm going to have to asked you to leave." Kakuzu dropped the psycho soccer mom, who landed on her feet in misplaced grace. She snatched her daughter's hand and stormed out, glaring at Hidan. Now that she couldn't get to him, Hidan after her,
"THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH!! JASHIN-SAMA WILL MAKE SURE THAT YOU BURN IN THE FIREY PITS OF HELL!! SO JUST WALK AWAY!! JUST WA-" Kakuzu clamped a hand over his partner's mouth, sick of hearing him shout in his ear, his arms re-attached.
"You two are going to have to leave also." The manager stated. Though they were a couple of S-class criminals and could have easily killed him on the spot, they listened. They both shuffled out, Hidan still clinging to Kakuzu.
Both were sitting on a park bench, Kakuzu slouched lazily and Hidan had his legs hugged to his body, his chin in his knees, boreder than actions or words could explain.
"Kakuzu..." He whined. "I'm still fucking hungry!"
"It's your fault we got kicked out." Hidan cursed under his breath, knowing that was true.
"'Kuzu..." He whimpered, putting on the most innocent expression he could manage and looking over at his partner. "Please can I get something to eat? PLEASE!?" Kakuzu sighed. He was doing a lot of that today.
"Fine." It was pitiful to see a grown man beg like a child, especially when that man was Hidan of all people. Said immortal gave one of his rare, true smiles... not a smug one that made Kakuzu want to slap the younger, arrogant man hard enough to send him flying into the next century.
Kakuzu coughed and Hidan cleared his throat, because them going thirty second being nice to eachother was beyond weird.
"We'll go to Wal-Mart and by something." Kakuzu decided.
"Because, everything's cheap at Wal-Mart!"
"Get something on sale, got it? No expensive stuff." Kakuzu ordered.
"Yes, mother..." Hidan replied dryly.
"I'll be in the clearance aisle. Don't get lost, don't break anything, don't set anything on fire, don't kidnap anyone, and DON'T SACRIFICE ANYONE TO THAT DAMN GOD OF YOURS!"
"Aww..." He pouted. Kakuzu rolled his eyes and headed to the clearance aisle. "Fucking miser..." Hidan muttered to himself and glided to the grocery section. "Woah." He said in awe, just then realizing he had never been to a grocery store, free to make his own decisions.
However, making decisions wasn't something Hidan was particularly good at. He always relied on his god or Kakuzu to make decisions for him. So, he walked through the aisles countless times, looking over everything in awe, like a kid in a candy store
After Hidan's 300th round through the aisles, people were starting to wonder what the hell he was doing.
He had kept the same dazed expression the entire time, so people were starting to wonder if he was crazy or something.
Then, there she was. The psycho soccer mom with that little brat. She saw Hidan and her eye twitched. Hidan's daze broke when he saw her charging at him. He gave a small yelp and jumped onto a shelf.
"What is your fuckin' problem, lady?" Hidan shouted.
"I have no idea, but I'm going to kill you!" Her eye twitched again and she giggled insanely. Hidan wondered if she lived in the room with the squishy walls... then he came to a realization and laughed. Duh.
"You can't kill me, bitch! I'M FUCKIN' IMMORTAL!!" He laughed again in triumph. Her eyes narrowed.
"Then I'll torture you until you wish you were dead." All this because her called her kid a brat? Sheesh! His eyes went wide as she neared him, her eyes seeming to be glowing with anger. Hidan did the only thing his brain could process at the moment. His going up an octave or two, he screamed as loud as he could,
Oh, yes. Kakuzu had heard him. Everyone in the village had probably heard him. Kakuzu sighed, AGAIN.
"KAKUZU!!" He screeched again. He sighed (which even he himself was becoming annoyed with, but it was a habit and you can all blame Hidan) and made his way to the grocery section.
"Hidan, what are you-" Hidan interrupted him by squealing girlishly. Kakuzu sweat dropped at the scared Hidan and attacking soccer mom. He was embarrassed, really. For himself and the woman's daughter. And somewhere deep, deep, deep, deep, DEEP, down... Hidan.
"FUCKIN' HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!!" Hidan wailed. The shelf he was on tipped over.
"Just kill her." Kakuzu said boredly, picking at nail.
"But you said I couldn't!" He said.
"...Since when do you listen to me?" Hidan opened his mouth, then closed it and though. Then, he pulled out the pike from his cloak (He didn't have his scythe on him at the moment.) He stabbed the pike through her chest. She fell over dead.
"I win! Seriously." Kakuzu was wide-eyed.
"You... you didn't do one of your rituals?" He was happier than hell, but shocked.
"Jashin-sama would send me to Hell straight away if I sacrificed that bitch."
"Good enough for me. Now, buy something before the Anbus show up." Hidan grabbed a random can of Pringles rolled to his feet.
"That'll be 69 cents." The random worker dude that was working at the express lane said.
Hidan and Kakuzu were heading out the door when Hidan spotted the psycho soccer mom's daughter, looking rather confused and alone. Even though she'd questioned the manly pink-ness of his eyes, she was pretty damn adorable.
"Can we keep her, Kakuzu?" Hidan begged.
"No. Leader said 'no pets'."
"Pleeeease? We can be her parents." Awkward silence.
"Fine. But you have to take care of her." Hidan smiled another one of his rare smiles, much like the one from the park. He dragged the confused little girl off, eating the Pringles happily. Kakuzu sighed once more, for the last time in this story. Now he had two brats to deal with.
So, you see. If it weren't for my pink eyes, there would be no story here.
Yeah. That's it. Go the fuck away. There's nothing to see here anymore.