I'm Gonna Get Through This

CCX: Yes, I was considering this song for what eventually became "When It's Over", then realized it wasn't right and briefly started a non-songfic before finding the perfect song. Then I realized that this song would work nicely for the Sakura-centric "When It's Over" prequel, "If You're Not the One", um, "co-quel". (Yeah, I totally just made that word up.) Anyway, disclaimer time.

Disclaimer: All characters property of CLAMP. Song lyrics by Daniel Bedingfield.

If only I can get out this
I just gotta get through this

My relationship with Syaoran Li was intensifying, and it seemed like he wanted to make things official between us. I should've been happy. Why was I not happy?

I knew why I wasn't happy. Tomoyo Daidouji, my very best friend in the entire world, had been acting different lately. Tomoyo has always had a bizarre devotion to me, and has always seemed so interested in my happiness that she has no time for her own. Her idol-worship could be a bit embarrassing at times when we were younger, but now…I found myself only wanting to repay her for all of those years. I wanted to make her happy.

I gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta make, gotta make it, gotta make it through

I can just hear her now, though. "If you're happy, I'm happy," she'd say. She was always the one who said that if someone else made her special person happier than she could make…that person, she'd be happy.

I don't think there is any such person. I've suspected for awhile that I might be that person. And as weird as it seems, she is the one that makes me happiest. When she's around…nothing can go wrong.

So I did the only logical thing. I started pulling away from Syaoran and spending more time with Tomoyo.

Said, I'm gonna get through this
I'm gonna get through this
I gotta take, gotta take my mind off of you

And it worked for awhile. Tomoyo was happier now that I was spending more time with her…and so was I. I only wish she could've seen that…but no. She still remained devoted to her fairy-tale ideals, which meant me and Syaoran as the perfect magical couple. She can be so dense sometimes… Then it happened.

Syaoran asked me out to dinner.

And proposed to me.

Give me just a second and I'll be alright
Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Just another day and then I'll hold you tight

"This time we've spent apart," he began, "it's made me see just how much I need you. I want you by my side forever. Sakura Kinomoto…will you marry me?"

I was stunned. This was not right. Unfortunately, my mouth wasn't cooperating with my brain today. "Yes," I said. A mistake.

Or maybe not. Faced with the prospect of her fairy tale actually panning out, would Tomoyo-chan keep up her façade? Or would she cave to her basest desires and play the part of the "evil witch", putting the princess under her spell. I always thought it was odd that the villains in these fairy tales were almost always female, and they almost always tried to take something from the princess, taking a part of her away. I didn't want Tomoyo to take away just a part of me. I wanted her to take all of me. Oh, Kami, I've been reading too many romance novels!

Her façade involved wanting the fairy-tale ending. Therefore, what I was about to say wouldn't be a total lie. "Can I come over to your place, Tomoyo-chan? I've got something to show you that I think is going to make you really happy." I could barely hold my laughter until after she'd given the affirmative and I'd hung up.

When your love is pouring like the rain
I close my eyes and it's gone again
When will I get the chance to say I love you

"Sakura-chan!"

"Tomoyo-chan! I have great news!"

"Yes?" she asked. I held out my hand.

"Ooh, that's quite a nice ring you've got there. Where'd you…oh…no…way. That's not…"

"It is! Syaoran asked me to marry him, and I said yes! And I want you to be my maid of honor." There's no way she'd agree to that…would she?

"Wow…this is so unexpected. I thought you two were growing apart."

"Well, yeah, silly, he wasn't going to propose to me when he was so content. I had to show him just how much he needed me by his side." "The thought of losing your chance at someone forever can do that, can't it, Tomoyo-chan," I thought.

"Oh…" she said, trying to mask her disappointment and failing miserably. "Say it, you idiot! Tell me that you love me, that you can't live without me!"

I pretend that you're already mine
Then my heart ain't breakin' every time
I look into your eyes

"So, will you do it?" I asked.

"Do what?"

"Be my maid of honor. I can't imagine it being anybody other than you, Tomoyo-chan." "Unless, of course, you'd rather be my bride, which I could totally live with."

Then the words that crushed me the most, a veiled confession. "…Anything for you, Sakura-chan." "Damnit, you'd better mean it! If you back down and let me go through with this, you're in serious trouble!"

"Oh, thank you thank you thank you! I love you, Tomoyo-chan!" Then I left, waiting for her to run after me, begging me to come back.

"Yeah…I love you too…Sakura-chan." Too quiet for me to have heard if I hadn't been deliberately listening for her approach with the aid of the Sakura Cards. "Life is not a romance novel…STUPID STUPID STUPID, SAKURA! WHY did you put the burden of confession on her?"

If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
God, God, gotta help me get through this

I considered going back to her and telling her my true desires, but after that little display I made of thanking her for being my maid of honor, she'd be mad if she found out I was only playing her. And besides, she'll still be there, waiting for me, on my…(gulp) wedding day. Kami, save me!

I gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta make, gotta make it, gotta make it through

So, then, my first order of business was to talk it over with my "fiancé". Then, once he understood the situation, I'd take care of getting stupid Tomoyo to own up to the fact that she's been absolutely head-over-heels in love with me since the third grade. I figured it out back in high school, really. The way she always devoted herself to my needs…the way she didn't seem to go after any boys, yet talked about a "special person"… And at first, I was a little frightened of what might happen if she found out that I'd figured it out. Then I realized that she was too absorbed in her fantasies to notice, and I began to tease her. Innocently. It was fun…but then, a year or so back, I suddenly realized what my teasing really was. I was flirting back with her. That was when I knew that I'd been making a mistake, and that I'd had my "Mr. Right" with me all along, only it wasn't a "Mr." at all.

I wasn't about to say all of that to Syaoran, though. "I've been thinking…something just doesn't feel right." "Namely, YOU'RE NOT TOMOYO!!"

Said, I'm gonna get through this
I'm gonna get through this
I gotta take, gotta take my mind off of you

"About what?" he asked.

"About, y'know…us. Getting married."

"Oh." He looked dejected. "I thought your response seemed a bit dispirited."

"I do love you, Syaoran, really I do; it's just—" I stopped myself from saying that I loved Tomoyo more, "—I don't think I'm ready to tie myself to a man for the rest of my life. I know that sounds really archaic…" And it was, since I was living in the more enlightened days where a woman can tie herself to another woman instead, thank the stars.

Give me just a second and I'll be alright
Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Just another day and then I'll hold you tight

"Yeah…okay. I understand. There's someone else you want more, isn't there?"

"Tomoyo!" my brain screamed out, as my mouth quickly replied, "NO!" Not wanting to be a liar, I added, "I assure you, no man holds more of my heart than you do."

"I know, Sakura-chan. I know." And he winked at me.

He knew. He knew. He knew that he was proposing to a woman who would rather be with another woman. He knew about me and Tomoyo.

I felt his arms catching my head, heard him yell my name, and then everything went black.

When your love is pouring like the rain
I close my eyes and it's gone again
When will I get the chance to say I love you

The next thing I remembered hearing was the words "I'm sorry." It was the voice of an angel, but I knew that I had not died, for I recognized that angel's voice as my angel. My sweet Tomoyo. Syaoran was there too, and my father and brother… Oh…if Syaoran and Tomoyo have both been there for awhile, he may have told her everything…I had wanted to tell her myself. Wait…were we in a hospital? My first thought was that I was probably wearing one of those backless gowns and that my beloved would be able to see my butt if I got up right now, and I blushed. Then I almost started to laugh at the fact that I'd thought of something so trivial after coming out of, well, whatever it was I'd been in, but it seemed Tomoyo hadn't even noticed I was awake yet. "Sa…kura…" She was crying. She must've known how I felt by this point.

I decided to tease her a bit more. "Y-yes…Tomoyo?"

I pretend that you're already mine
Then my heart ain't breakin' every time
I look into your eyes

"D-don't cry, Tomoyo-chan. I'm okay. Just a bad premonition." "Yeah…I saw a life without you, you silly, stupid…absolutely perfect girl." "I think…" I pulled her close, breathing in her radiant aura, "I think I won't be needing you to be my maid of honor, after all." Jackpot. She was all mine. Unsure of whether she'd go for a public display of affection, I flushed when she kissed my cheek. "Yes, Tomoyo-chan, that's right…show me that you love me in a way that won't draw any suspicions. Thank you…" It was over. I had her. I'd survived my potential "wedding".

Touya cut in. "Wow. Looks like Tomoyo-chan's really got a thing for Monster. If I didn't know better…"

"Don't call me Monster!" I interrupted. Thanks for that, Touya. Hopefully it distracted Tomoyo from the fact that she's just been played like a violin…although fainting in Syaoran's arms was not part of the plan.

If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
God, God, gotta help me get through this

"You should've said something, you know. I was counting on you saying something," I chastised her back at her house.

"You knew how I felt? And you didn't say anything? You really are a monster!"

"I…I wasn't sure. I had a feeling, but…I wasn't sure enough of myself to go after you. And you seemed to be trying to foster my relationship with Syaoran-kun. So I just waited. Waited for you to figure out just how much…"

"…I needed you by my side," she finished, remembering what I'd said. "You didn't have to go through all that trouble."

"Yeah, but would that really be right?" I laughed. "You loved me long before I had ever seen you as more than just a friend. In fact, it wasn't until I started to think about the rest of my life with Syaoran that I realized that I couldn't live without you." To my surprise, she confessed something that really scared me.

"I…did say something. I left a message. I told you that I couldn't be your maid of honor, that it would be a conflict of interest, and that I loved you and that I had always loved you. And then I prepared to leave everything behind, all the tapes, all the outfits, even get a new cell phone, and start over elsewhere." My eyes practically bugged out. Had my stupidity nearly cost me my beloved Tomoyo forever? "And I was on my way out the door when Syaoran called and told me what had happened. And if he'd called your family before trying to reach me, he probably would've missed me entirely. You probably would've missed me entirely."

"He-he called you first?"

"Said he thought that's what you would've wanted. He also said that I'm the one you trust the most. When your phone started beeping, indicating that there was a voicemail, he wanted to find out if it was anything important—and gave the phone to me, thinking that even though he didn't know your password, I might. And I got it right on the first try. It's the same as mine." Of course it was. The day we'd met…I purposely chose that in case she ever needed to get to my voicemail. Didn't think that Syaoran would've realized that Tomoyo would know my password, though… "He knew. Deep down, he knew that I was more important to you than he was. And he loves you enough to think of your desires first. He's a better person than me…"

If only I could get through this
God, God, gotta help me get through this
If only I could get through this
God, God, gotta help me get through this

She was becoming sad again. I had to do something. I started stroking her gently, more in a mothering sense than in a sensual manner, although in her current state I figured she'd just be grateful for my touch, and said, "Don't say that. You're the best person I've ever met."

"If you'd heard the message, you'd think I was selfish. I only thought of what I wanted. Sure, it turned out to be what you wanted as well, but…" She trailed off. "And you knew when you accepted Syaoran's proposal?"

I nodded. "I thought that would be enough to get you to confess your feelings. I asked you to be my maid of honor expecting you to absolutely forbid it, to tell me that you wanted me for yourself…and you surprised me. You agreed."

"I didn't want to. The words just came out of my mouth."

"'Anything for you, Sakura-chan.' I remember. That was when I knew. You were hurting inside…so I told you exactly how I felt." "You weren't paying attention though, were you, and thought I only meant that I loved you as a friend?" "And then I left, and I waited for you to come after me. Only…you never came. And I got discouraged, and I thought you might actually let me go through with this marriage. So I started to tell Syaoran that I wanted to call it off, that it wasn't right…but I couldn't stop thinking about you, and it weighed so heavily on my mind…"

If only I could get through this
I just gotta get through this
I just gotta get through this

"I'm sorry," she interrupted through tears, "I didn't…I didn't mean to worry you. I'm so sorry…I'm sorry I even thought of leaving you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Oh, I think there's a way," I grinned, leaning in to taste the lips I'd wanted for so long, knowing that it would soon lead to something more. Other things I'd wanted…hey you're not supposed to still be here! This is between me and my Tomoyo-chan!


CCX: And the tease works well here because this group of fics is K+. Yeah, I realized as I was writing it that it'd be better to write this as a re-telling of both of the first two from Sakura's point of view. So, what did you think? Good? Bad? Too much angst for K, ought to be moved up to T? You have to review!