I look down at my wrist, blood pooling up where the fresh cut overlaps the many partially healed ones. I'm fascinated by the blood, the color, the smell, the way it seeps from my body. It holds my attention the way nothing else can these days. Not even Jake.
I don't know how I could have made it through the past few months with out Jacob, but not even he can give me this peace. When I'm with him the pain is bearable. Everything thing that has been closing in on me is held off, like he is casting a protective bubble, cushioning me from the worst of it. When he is gone so is the bubble and I am in pure hell. Everything hurts. It hurts to breathe, to think, to feel, to be alive. Everything reminds me of Edward, the sun, the rain, the clouds, the air. School is absolute torture. I can't stand to be around my classmates and teachers. If I could drop out, I would. The only thing keeping me there is the thought of Charlie sending me away. If he makes me leave, I will die. I'm not saying that I will kill myself, but I know that if I have to leave this place, the last connection I have to him, I wouldn't survive.
I watch my blood as it beads up on the back of my wrist and feel the absolute panic that has been pressing in on me since I left La Push vanish. This is one comfort I have. It is mine and no-one can take it away. I know that I am breaking my promise, but I don't care, in fact I relish it. I'm not sure why this feels so good to me. Everything else causes me pain, even Jacob in some ways. But cutting myself, that is the only thing that feels remotely good. Spending time with Jake feels like a betrayl. Everything about me belongs to Edward, even if he doesn't want me any more, and I can't get past that. Jacob has been very good to me, much better than I deserve, but he wants more than friendship. Even though I can't give him more than friendship, I keep going back, hurting both of us; Jake by letting him think there is a possibility for more and me by betraying my love for Edward. I let Jake put his arm around me, hold my hand, comfort me, take care of me… It's wrong! It would be better for both of us if I leave La Push and never go back, but I can't. I feel trapped. I hate what I am doing to Jacob, Charlie, Renee and my friends, but I can't stop. Mostly I hate myself for being so weak, so ordinary, so human that Edward can't love me, that I am not good enough to be in his life. Just as a drop of blood threatens to spill from my arm I bend my face to my arm and lick until there is only a faint line of red left as the cut slowly fills back up with blood. My blood.
What am I doing? What have I become? It's so ironic! Six months ago, I was a human that was terrified of needles, fainted at the smell of blood, and dreamed of becoming an immortal vampire that would refuse to drink human blood. Now I am the "wishing I was dead" human, who carries around a razor blade, and whose only peace comes from cutting her own flesh and drinking her own blood. Maybe this new me would have been more appealing to Edward, a little less human, a little less fragile, a little less ordinary…. No, I know better than that. Edward may not love me, but he never would want to see me hurt myself. If he doesn't like the monster that he is, he would be disgusted by the monster I have become. I am.
I know I am seriously depressed. Beyond depressed. Suicidal? I can't say that the thought has never crossed my mind, but this is more about my way of living this "non life". I go through the motions everyday, but I'm already dead inside. Maybe I am just waiting for my body to catch up with the rest of me. I probably won't run my truck in to a tree or steal Charlie's gun and shoot myself, but I am certainly putting myself in to enough dangerous situations that one day, something will happen. Heck any day now Victoria could slip past Jake's pack and finish me off. I really don't want that to happen though. I couldn't stand the thought that a vampire, one of Edward's kind (even if she doesn't share his diet), would be the thing that kills me, the last thing that I ever see. But being this monster, as sick as it is… it's what's kept me alive.
If anyone ever finds out what I am doing, I know they will send me to that hospital Dr. Gerandy was telling Charlie about a few months ago. But my secret is fairly easy to hide. Nobody looks to closely at me anymore except for Charlie and Jacob, and they tend to see only what they want to see. My watch covers up the never healed wounds on my wrist and the cool Forks weather comes in handy because long sleeve shirts are now a necessity. Cutting has become everything to me lately. It has the opposite effect on me as the dangerous situations I put myself in. One allows me to hear Edward's voice, to feel the concern in it, the other allows me to hear and feel absolutely nothing…… and that is so much better than the constant agony that I have felt every minute since Edward left. Noticing that it is almost 3am, I hook my watch back on my wrist and then hide my razor blade deep inside my pillow case where Charlie will never find it. Before turning the light off I grab my pen and cross out one more day on the calander beside my bed. I made it through one more day without Edward.