Chapter 5

"… And for the final round of the Chuunin Exam Tournament, it is Uzumaki Naruto vs. Hyuuga Neji!"

The air was tense. The audience was hushed. All eyes were on the competitors.

Well, that wasn't quite true. Two Anbu had just finished removing all the sand that Gaara had… Released… into the Arena. Many people were shocked, and many men were confused at how they should react to the semi-nude 12 year old girl who was half carried away by her older sister.

A 12 year old girl that most spectators had thought was a 12 year old boy.

A 12 year old girl who had lost her fight just as it started, not even in the arena, by apparently forcing her opponent into sexually assaulting her.

It was one thing for a crowd of 12-14 year old boys to cheer at the 12 year old girl taken down 'that way' in the prelims… But for the men in the audience, they were just confused.

The women in the audience also had mixed reactions, though mostly ranging from insane outrage to envy. Envy, oddly enough, encapsulated most thoroughly in one Hyuuga Hinata.

It just wasn't fair! She was the one who pined after Naruto! She was the one who loved him for years! She was the one who once snuck into his apartment and stole his dirty laundry!

Hinata blushed. She hard returned most of it the next day, when Naruto had come into class wearing cloths he had clearly outgrown, proving that the laundry she stole was probably most of the cloths she owned… But she did keep a single pair of pants under her mattress…

At the other end of the spectrum was Haruno Sakura. Her face as red as her hair was pink, one could practically see the steam pouring out of her ears. This, right here, was why she would never date Naruto! He was a pervert! Clearly, he'd never learn how to treat women, and when she next got a hold of him… Pow! Right to the kisser!

There were some women who were in the middle, not quite sure if they liked seeing a girl taken down that way, while at the same time, thinking that it was a helluvalot better then the way most fights ended. At least these girls looked like they were having a good time!

There were two men who had unique reactions to the previous fight, both pretty much the ones you'd expect: Jiraiya and Kakashi.

Jiraiya was frustrated. For the sake of all the glorious naked female body parts out there, why hadn't that genius child TOLD him that he had a technique like this?! If Jiraiya had only known that Naruto had been developing a fighting style designed to disable women, yet entice them to come back for more, he wouldn't have wasted a freaking month teaching him to summon frogs! No, he'd have been teaching him all the wondrous pressure points and subtle chakra techniques he had picked up in his long life of womanizing. Jiraiya vowed that he would take his new apprentice out for a long training trip after this… Hell, even if it took 3 years, it would be worth it to finally pass on the legacy he cared about!

Kakashi… Well, Kakashi's reaction was a lot more… direct. He dropped down into the arena, put both hands on Naruto's shoulders, and spoke quietly in a serious tone. "Naruto… I've never been more proud of anyone than I am of you in my entire life. To think, you could actually lure your opponents to demand that you defeat them before you were even supposed to be fighting them… And like that… I want you to have this."

With that, Kakashi handed over the copy of Icha Icha: Paradise he had been reading, and then disappeared back into the crowd.

Thus bringing us to the current situation…

Naruto, with porn in hand, stood facing off against Neji.



"So, uh… Don't take this the wrong way, because I've had a fucked up day… But you aren't secretly a girl, too, are you? Because that's already happened to me once today, and I really don't think I could handle it happening twice."

"No, Uzumaki-san, I'm not."

"Ahh… That's good…"



"And I hope you do not take this the wrong way, because I've only see you fight a few times… But you don't have any plans on, ahem, spanking me, do you?"

"NO! No! Oh good god no!"

"That's… good."

A tumbleweed blew through the center of the arena, as the two combatants continued to stare awkwardly at each other.

"So, what happens now?"

Neji's posture relaxed ever so slightly, and he sighed. "Well, to be honest, I had planned out a really good speech on how much of a loser you were, and how you were fated to lose to me, and how terrible my life is. But, I used several parts of that speech in my last fight, and frankly, anyone who can display the… prowess… you have is clearly not a loser."

Naruto nodded slowly. "Well, yeah, I was kinda upset with you about how you treated Hinata and all… But I'm too drained to really care. I'm actually kind of hungry right now."

The crowd hung on every word, wondering when the fighting would start.

Neji stared at Naruto. Naruto stared back.

"Yes, well, Hinata had it coming, like everyone in the main-house… What with the caged-bird seal and all."

"Yeah, yeah, I can understand the whole 'terrible seal' thing." Naruto frowned, and then his expression turned pained as his stomach grumbled.

"Look, Neji… I'm pretty hungry… Want to continue this over ramen or something?"

"Hmm… Sure, why not… I have some questions I'd like to ask you that probably shouldn't be done out here, anyway."

And, with that, both contests left the arena at a rather swift pace, leaving pretty much everyone confused, and looking to the referee to see what was going to happen.

Said referee pulled out a small manual from his back pocket, and flipped through it, and then closed it in disgust. "Apparently, there isn't any rule about time limits OR ring outs. Technically, the fight won't end until one gives up or is knocked out, without any specifications for when or where it happens… Guess that means I have to follow them."

The crowd's murmuring and confused chatter grew louder as the referee exited the area in the same direction as the two younger ninja, wondering if they were supposed to follow or not. A lot of them figured that this meant the whole thing was over, and started to leave. Many of the lower ranked ninja began making their way back to their homes or posts, as well, whereas the higher ranked ninja, who knew about the current 'Kaze-kage', began subtly making their way to the Kage box.

Said Kage box, at a sign from the Sandaime, was now full of Anbu.

Anbu who were all staring at Orochimaru.

Orochimaru just looked over at them and sighed. "This plan really fell apart. How the hell did the Kyuubi child manage to subvert one of my ninja so easily and effortlessly? Next time, Sarutobi-sensei… Next time."

And with that, Orochimaru shunshin'd out of the area.


"So 'she' waltzes up to me and demands that I spank her! Fuck, does Gaara even look like a girl? No! Yet I gotta start explaining counter-kunoichi tactics to her and then, well, you know…"

"Bah, if dealing with women was as easy for the rest of us, so many problems would be solved. You know what you should do, Uzumaki? You should, after Hinata-sama becomes clan leader, spank her into getting the Caged-Bird Seal removed. Damn me if that wouldn't work…"

"Agh! No! Sakura would kill me! Hell, I'm surprised I'm not dead yet, with how crazy she looked today."

"Why on earth should you care? She's clearly the least attractive girl around our age, as well as the least skilled. I mean, pink hair? Who does that?"

"What the hell is going on!?"

It was a strange scene. One that most people would title 'entirely out of character for everyone involved'. Granted, it had been a most peculiar day, but this stretched the bounds of what most sane people considered plausible.

Naruto and Neji sat next to each other at the bar at Ichiraku's. Genma, the referee, stood nearby, leaning against a poll at the stand, reading a book. Jiraiya was crouching stealthily nearby, waiting for an opportune moment to spring out, grab Naruto, and continue his training in the ways of wooing women.

And a few people had just arrived on the scene.

'People' translating into Tenten, Hinata, Ino, and Sakura. Sakura was currently being restrained by both Ino and Hinata, and Tenten was the one who had shouted.

Tenten had never in her entire life expected to see Neji acting so… casual. Not with anybody. Hell, he was rather formal with her (and now that she thought about it, most every girl he had ever seen him interact with), and he invariably treated every guy he ever met like crap. And yet… he seemed to acting like a normal teenager who was hanging out with a… friend?

"Look, Tenten, we're just trying to eat ramen here. I've had a long, long day, I've had to wash my hands about 20 times, and I've gone through 3 pairs of pants, all because OTHER people ruined them for me. I'm tired, I'm hungry, please for the love of God just let me eat!"

Naruto was out of character for pretty much the precise reasons he had just listed. He was, frankly, too stressed out to be as bouncy and excitable as he normally was, and all his interactions with women today left him feeling rather… mellow. Like… that he didn't have that much to prove anymore.

Naruto turned to Neji, and resumed their previous conversation. "Ya know, Neji, normally I'd disagree with you and all about Sakura. But I just feel kinda… lazy?... and don't care that much. And your idea is dumb, and will get me killed by your clan."

"No, because at that point, Hinata would be in charge, so if you, ahem, did your thing with her, there'd be no one higher then her to call you on it."


Everything in the stand ground to a halt, and everyone turned to Hinata, who, after her cry, was reddening at an alarming rate.

"Eep!" Thump. And down went Hinata.

Naruto looked back at his ramen, then at Hinata again. "Man, I totally don't need this, too."

Tenten was the first to snap out of shock at Hinata's proclamation. "Neji, you were just telling me yesterday about how much of a loser and dead last and whatnot Naruto was, and now you're all buddy-buddy with him eating lunch?"

Neji looked up from his ramen, and replied, "That was before Uzumaki proved that he was the only male in our age bracket worthy of respect. Clearly, anyone as accomplished as he is cannot be a loser, and thus the fate of our match was cast into doubt. Besides, I'm rather happier not fighting him, after seeing his… fighting style…"

With Hinata down for the count, Ino alone was insufficient at holding Sakura back, and Neji's latest comment spurred her to new heights of anger. Breaking free of Ino's grip, she stomped up to Naruto.

"Naruto, you pervert! How dare you take such liberties with young kunoichi's bodies? Don't you know it's wrong to abuse women that way? If you ever try that again, I'm going to…"

Sakura's rant continued on for a good 3 minutes before she realized that Naruto was paying more attention to his ramen then her.

"Listen to me, damnit!" Sakura wound up for a punch, ready to smack Naruto good, before he spoke up again.

"But Sakura, this was all your idea. If you don't like it, you only have yourself to blame."

Sakura's jaw dropped, as in her righteous feminine rage she HAD overlooked that fact. Naruto stood up, ramen finished, and turned to say something to Neji. Before he could say anything, a trail of sand blew up out of nowhere, and Temari and Gaara whisked into the stand, grabbed Naruto, and disappeared. As Temari grabbed Naruto, she stated, "Sorry, Kazekage's orders."

Everyone froze for a second, and then Jiraiya leapt into the stand out of hiding, remembering just who the 'Kazekage' was at the moment, and immediately decided that he in no way wanted Orochimaru to influence HIS protégé. "After them!"

Before they could run off after the two girls who had just kidnapped Naruto, Genma closed his book, and started to walk away. "Congratulations, Neji… Unlike ring outs and timeouts, there actually IS a rule pertaining to being kidnapped mid-match. If someone from a different village then either the competitors does manage to nab you, it means you lose. You're the winner."

Before anyone could congratulate anyone for winning, though, Ino and Hinata (who had miraculously awoken the moment Naruto was in danger) led the charge out of the stand after Naruto, bowling Neji over. Neji's dignity was even further compromised when Sakura, and then Jiraiya in his Geta stampeded over his body in chase.

"… I was… fated to… ouch… win."


The two Sand girls were moving at a fast pace, but not so fast that they couldn't hear when Naruto asked, "So what does that snake-freak want with me now?"

This confused the two young Kunoichi, prompting Naruto to explain to them what he had learned from his 'interrogation' of Kin.

Thus, Naruto was out in the woods with two girls whom he had just told that their father was assassinated and replaced by a middle-aged man with a creepy snake fetish, and was rather confused at their rather nonchalant, "Oh".

"So, uh, does that mean I can go?"

"Well, since we're out here in the woods anyway, and there's no one but us around… Why don't we have some fun?"

Temari's smirk grew bigger at the thought of what 'fun' they could have. Gaara's just grew creepier.

"Look, ladies, you're both good looking girls… Ok, you're a good looking girl and an eerily-mannish girl and I can honestly say I wouldn't mind going out with Temari… But I don't know if I know either of you well enough to just, ya know... Let you kidnap me to do THAT."

Naruto's gaze narrowed as he saw the girls tense into ready stances. Then he paled when Gaara announced, "Well, we can do it the easy way, or the hard way, Uzumaki. And the hard way will involve testing some theories about how effective these tactics are on men."

But then something in Naruto snapped. If that's what these girls wanted, then damnit, he was going to make sure they felt it! Naruto had been pushed around his whole life, and early on he found that fighting back, whether with pranks or fists, was usually his only recourse. Now he had an effective counter-strategy, and by God, he was going to use it!

"Fuck it! Kage Bunshin No jutsu!"

Outnumbered 50 to 1, the Temari and Gaara looked inordinately pleased (well, ok, Temari looked pleased, Gaara looked like she always did).

And just the 'carnage' began… The girls in chase arrived.


It was a sight to remember, yet one that sadly only a single perverted old man got to see.

Dozens of clones had been dispelled, yet more then enough remained to satiate the ladies' desires.

Well, not so much as satiate, as take out Naruto's frustration.

Temari, dress shredded, was bent over a log, breathing deeply, while being administered to by a single clone. 'Administered to' meaning having her ass painted a more glowing red then it already was.

Gaara, with a good portion of Temari's shredded dress both tying her hands behind her back and gagging her, had passed out a good five minutes ago, completely unable to handle herself in this situation. A fact that made Naruto infinitely gladder then having to continue linking Gaara as female mentally, body parts notwithstanding.

Ino was still being worked on, squealing and cooing as a Naruto had her bent over his lap.

The three other girls, though… They had never been 'treated' by Naruto before. That hadn't stopped him, exactly, as they appeared at exactly the wrong time at the wrong place… Or perhaps that was the right time at the right place?

Tenten had been the first swept up, and after initial protests and a little screaming, had quieted down to mumbles, moans, and groans. Her pants, fully removed, had a wet spot that'd probably take a serious washing to get fully out, and her protests had disappeared quickly.

Hinata had practically thrown herself at a group of Naruto's, and STILL hadn't quieted down. Naruto had to gag her to keep down the shrieking, and if she hadn't been bucking and grinding all over his legs the whole time, Naruto would have been worried that she was truly terrified.

Naruto also noted that she had terrific boobs, but that was solely because Hinata had somehow ripped her own top off.

And finally, Sakura… Sakura had also passed out, also from over stimulation, and frankly, Naruto was kinda thankful. Maybe it was the stress… But Sakura just didn't look as appealing right now as she normally did, and especially not so in comparison to most of the other kunoichi present.

Or maybe it was all the threats of violence she promised during the first few minutes, before she seriously got into the action. Or maybe it was the way she kept on moaning 'Sasuke'. Either way… Naruto felt something was… lacking.

Jiraiya had been watching the whole scene, cheering on his apprentice and taking notes on all the things he could have been doing better, but all and all, was rather pleased with the boy.

Truly, Naruto was his perfect student.

And Orochimaru?

Well, after waiting for a good half hour, decided that his ruse had been seen through, and that he didn't have enough time to waste before his teacher and some ANBU arrived to justify waiting around for the possibility of the two girls returning.


Naruto stumbled back into the Ramen stand, a good few hours later, where oddly enough he ran into the men from Team 8, Team 10, and Team Gai.

And maybe not so oddly, he arrived to a standing ovation.

And cheering. Lots and lots of cheering, and proclamations of how 'He was the man!'.

And Naruto felt that maybe there were other things out there besides being Hokage that would get people to acknowledge him.

And that perhaps they'd be a lot more fun, too.

Author's Notes: Well, this story is done, and finally withdrawn from the 'One shots' thread. Hope it wasn't too much of a disappointment, but I am rather out of practice writing, so who knows?

Don't know when I can say to expect my next update, or what it'll be, though, so I won't promise much. Just lately, I've been getting the urge to write again.