Author's Note: This chapter was written very quickly, under an extreme amount of pressure, and I don't really consider it an example of my best work. Basically, I came back from a week long vacation with no Internet access, and got an IM message from Blondie AKA Robin, who's one of the mods for the fanfic site Twilighted. This was at 9:00 PM. She told me that I had till midnight to write a Breaking Dawn era fanfic that was very funny, because Twilighted was doing a "Missing Moments" fanfic challenge. She said "I bet that if you wrote something for the humor category, it'd win!" I was panicking, trying to come up with something funny fast. Robin suggested that I have Jake and Emmett trying to teach Nessie how to play baseball. So for an hour I tried to write that…and it just wasn't coming out funny.
So I scrapped that and started writing the only funny thing I could think of…the Halloween crackfic that Marcy and I had joked about writing. I didn't even read it through once it was written! I just saved it and sent it...a raw and unpolished. I was a bit nervous about putting it out there. So as you can imagine, I was surprised and pleased when my submission won. Yay! There's even this little blue ribbon on it on the Twilighted site now.
Though this doesn't really read like a one-shot, I doubt that I'll ever get around to adding more chapters. I still have two more chapters left of The Wild and Wacky Adventures of Edward in PE, as well as ten chapters left of Bella's Bachelorette Bash to write. Plus, I shouldn't really be writing fanfic right now anyways…I'm leaving for Hawaii tomorrow for two weeks, and I'm studying for the National Physical Therapy Exam, so I can get my license. Marcy is busy outlining her own real novel (with her own real characters!) and so the chances of the two of us teaming up for another crackfic right now aren't likely, since we've both become insanely busy.
Bella narrates this silly story. Normal disclaimers apply. Thanks Robin for the rushed midnight beta.
Awww…Now Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?
Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been starting at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded on the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal…
The memories of my first visit to the meadow were interrupted as Edward began to create some new ones. Our kiss, which had started out romantic and sweet had ended with him slamming my shimmering body against the ground, stirring up a mess of yellow and orange leaves from the piles that had gathered in the center of our little circle of heaven. Stretching his body over mine, he desperately crushed his stone lips against mine. The urgency in his kiss was accompanied by a quick response from his nether regions.
Rock hard gets rock hard, I thought. Man I'm glad I'm not human any more. Seriously? What was Edward thinking when he said I deserved a normal life? Who on earth would want a normal life when they could have twelve-hour sex sessions instead? As if he could hear my ravenous thoughts, Edward pulled his hips closer to mine, breathing heavily—eagerly. It was all honey-lilac-sun pouring into my head, and I felt the rest of the forest fade into the background as my god-like husband's perfection dazzled my every sense.
Our make-out session was interrupted by the sound of Emmett and Jasper engaging in a wrestling match less than a mile away. Irked, I realized that Jazz would be picking up on our emotional climate, and I didn't exactly want an audience.
"Dammit Edward!" I muttered. I put one hand on either side of Edward's face and pushed him away, an identical motion to the one he'd done so many times in the cautious, early stages of our relationship (back before our honeymoon, where, for all his pre-meditation and planning, he'd neglected to consider the most basic part of "safe" when it came to sex). He groaned and squirmed in frustration.
"I want to kiss my wife," he complained in a soft, pleading voice, struggling futilely against my locked arms. I easily flipped him onto his back and, with one hand one each wrist, pinned him to the ground, straddling his body with mine. I gave him a hard look.
"We're going to need to find a new spot then," I sighed. "No way I can enjoy myself with all that banging around going on down there." Edward rolled his eyes.
"Jasper just told Emmett that we were up here. Emmett was planning on coming up and giving us some advice on some great ways to spice up our sex lives." Edward continued to listen to his brother's thoughts, and then shuddered. "Ugh…he wants to talk to you about nurses and French maids' costumes." I raised my eyebrows.
"Would I be sexy to you in a French maid's costume?" I asked quizzically.
"Almost as sexy as you are right now…it hasn't escaped my notice that you're not wearing any underwear under that sundress." His eyes wandered down my body hungrily. He wrenched one hand free and slid it underneath her skirt, up my thigh. His touch made me shiver, and all at once he broke through my dismal resistance. I had my mouth on his, hot, bothered, and no longer giving a damn about Emmett. Let him come. Let him see who doesn't need any spicing up here. I crushed his body as close to mine as I could get it. This time, though Edward was the one pushing me away.
"Ack. He's less than five minutes away. We've gotta scram or we'll be caught with our pants down." He snickered quietly, listening to his brothers' thoughts. "At least we don't have to worry about Jasper—I hope Alice is ready for him."
"Bedroom…now," I whispered in his ear. His golden eyes met my crimson ones, and at once we were racing towards the cottage—which was extremely difficult, seeing that we still had our arms around each other and our lips passionately locked. Several trees paid for our lust with their lives.
If getting to the cottage was hard to do, getting into the cottage was even worse. We stumbled against the doorframe (the first time that I'd stumbled since I'd been changed), breaking through some of the wood. Oops. Well, I guess that Esme's going to have to replace that later…
Once through, I tore his shirt to shreds, leaving the pieces on the floor. He grasped me by the hand, and we virtually dragged each other to the bedroom, littering the floor with fabric as we went. We violently wrenched the door open, nearly ripping it from the hinges, our physical desire mounting nearly to the point of pain…
And that's when it happened. Boom. Just like that.
The smell…the stink…the utterly repulsive stench bombarded me like a cold shower, turning my desire off in an instant. I wrenched my lips from Edward's and stared at the source of the stench.
Lying diagonally across our California king-sized bed, the bed that we'd just been about to get very busy on, was a shirtless, snoring figure with a shock of badly cut black hair and entirely too-long limbs. He was curled up next to our two-month old (though she looked closer to two years) half-vampire girl, snuggling her close to his chest. They were napping soundly in the streams of sunshine that were pouring through the garden window, a contented look on each of their faces.
"Who's been sleeping in my bed?" Edward growled angrily, crushing the doorknob beneath his shaking hand.
Great. Another thing Esme will have to replace. Jake woke with a start and looked blearily up at Edward and me, unconcerned.
"Just Sleeping Beauty and the Big Bad Wolf," he yawned. He tenderly stroked our daughter's cheek. In her sleep, she nestled closer to him, her reddish-brown curls falling across her face.
"Get. Out. Now." Edward's voice was impatient.
"What's the big hurry?" Jake said in a lazy voice. "It's not like you need an afternoon siesta…what with your permanent insomnia and everything"
"OUT!" Edward said forcefully. His jaw was clenched, and his eyes were blazing. Renesmee stirred, but didn't wake. Jake stroked her hair, calming her.
"Geez Ed. Last time someone named Grumpy threw a temper tantrum in a cottage in the woods, he was a dwarf. What's your problem?" That's when he spotted the bulge in Edward's khaki pants. A look of realization dawned on his face and he chuckled. "I get it. Mommy bear and daddy bear are kicking baby bear and her glorified nanny out of the house so they can have a little bear on bear action…is that how it's going to be?" he taunted.
"My, Grandma, what a big mouth you have," Edward said, rolling his eyes.
"All the better to insult you with," Jake grinned, chucking a pillow at Edward's head. My husband caught it in one hand, and gripped a little too hard. It exploded in a burst of feathers, which swirled around Edward's head like a white, fluffy tornado.
Not again! My peal of bell-like laughter abruptly woke Renesmee up. She glanced around, disoriented.
"Why am I covered in feathers?" she said in a half-asleep voice.
"Your father has a thing for destroying pillows in moments of passion," I said, plopping down on the bed and pulling my daughter into my lap. Edward sat next to me, and, with an amused look on his face, began to pick the feathers from my hair. Now that our daughter was awake, it was clear that sex would have to wait. Strange how my brain was able to compartmentalize things now.
"Pillows among other things," Edward murmured, kissing my neck. Strange how his brain was utterly unable to compartmentalize. A hundred and seven years of not getting any, then the dam breaks, letting out the flood.
"TMI…TMI…" Jake made a face, obviously grossed out. He picked Renesmee up and got out of bed, leaving Edward and I sitting on the edge. "Come on Nessie," he said. "Your mom and dad want us to leave so that they can play checkers." He winked at us.
"I want to play checkers too!" she said eagerly.
"You're too young," Edward said quickly.
"I can learn!" she protested.
"I promise that I'll teach you when you're older," Jake said solemnly, grinning at her. "But I'm not really interested in checkers at all right now."
"He's telling the truth," Edward said in an impressed voice, as much to me as to Nessie.
"I am interested in something that I think would be fun for the whole family though…" Jake said thoughtfully. Edward suddenly began to laugh out loud.
"Oh Jake. You're too much," he said, shaking his head. He punched Jake playfully on the arm. It was weird to see the two of them tolerating each other…or was it…even reluctantly liking each other now?
"What is it?" I demanded.
"Well," Edward said slowly. "Jake thinks that since you're convinced that life as a vampire is more of a fairy-tale than a horror story, we need to celebrate."
"Celebrations are always good," I said, not seeing what was so funny.
"With a fairy-tale themed Halloween party," Edward finished. Jake beamed at him.
"With a what?" I choked.
"Ah geez mommy vamp," Jake said, rolling his eyes. "We all happen to be scary monsters for crying out loud! You'd think that we'd know how to celebrate Halloween better than anyone! Yet Emmett tells me that it's been eight years since your family had a Halloween party."
"I wouldn't know." I concentrated for a moment, trying to dredge up my fuzzy human memories. "Last Halloween, you guys fled Forks, thanks to my disastrous birthday party. The previous Halloween, I was still living a normal, nondescript, human life in Phoenix."
"Well, he's right, we haven't," Edward said, thinking back. "Probably due to the fact that our last Halloween party was Rocky Horror Picture Show themed, and Emmett's Dr. Frankenfurter costume had us scarred for life.
"So what are you suggesting?" I asked.
"I'm suggesting that we decorate the mansion with bats…coffins…cobwebs…the whole nine yards. Make the thing look like Dracula's castle!" Jake blurted out.
Coffins, cobwebs… skulls piled in the corner… another human memory…a conversation between Edward and I before I visited the mansion for the first time…flashed through and I squeezed Edward's hand. He didn't notice, too wrapped up in his daughter.
Renesmee didn't seem interested in the conversation anymore, so she occupied herself by biting Jake's thigh and watching it heal…an activity that seemed to amuse Edward, though Jake didn't seem to mind.
"I suppose I could have Esme call Vladimir…get some ideas…" Edward mused. Jake's eyes widened.
"You know the real Count Dracula?" he said incredulously, and I stared at my husband, wondering the same thing. Edward winked. No way!
"An old acquaintance of Carlisle's." He cocked his head to the side. "You up for this Bella? Nessie's…er…sorry…Renesmee's first Halloween?" I shrugged.
Now that he had my permission, Jake's imagination was running wild.
"Nessie and I will go as Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf!" he said excitedly. "I'll have to find a really good costume of course…"
"You are a really good costume," I said, rolling my eyes.
"For her, I mean," he said quickly. "Though I can see how it would be fun for me to have one too…you know, with a mask and a furry suit and all…"
"The werewolf is looking for a wolf costume," Edward said, smirking. "That's just grand. Didn't Rosalie give you a dog collar?"
"She did, and I'll wear it if Ness wants me to. Whatever makes our baby happy," he crooned.
"Um…she's our baby," I said, gesturing between Edward and I.
"Like I've said before, I can share." He bent his face close to hers and nuzzled her nose with his. She shrieked with happiness.
"And her name is Renesmee. Not Nessie. Not Ness. Renesmee. " I said sternly, though I knew it was a losing battle.
"I like it when Jake calls me Nessie!" Renesmee said stubbornly. I sighed.
Jake smirked, but when he saw me glower at him, cleared his throat. "Back on track. Bella, you can go as Beauty…since you fell in love with a beast," Jake continued. Edward scowled.
"Um…actually…I was thinking that I would go as Cinderella, since I was a nobody, and now I feel like a princess," I said, wrapping my arms around Edward's neck.
"I think I just vomited a little in my mouth," Jake said, making a face. "You two are so sappy it makes me ill."
"Your smell makes me ill, dog-breath," Edward said.
"I'd take wet dog over ammonia mixed with bleach," Jake shrugged.
"Everyone smells fine to me," Renesmee mumbled sleepily.
"Edward could go as Prince Charming," I suggested. I couldn't imagine a more perfect person to play the role of a dashing prince who was coming to the rescue of the damsel in distress.
"Well…since he's the one who transformed you into said Princess, shouldn't he be going as the Fairy Godmother?" Jake said wickedly.
"I'm not cross-dressing," Edward said darkly.
"Daddy, I'd love to see you dress as a fairy Godmother," Renesmee said, now fully awake. She tossed her curls over her shoulder and looked up with her wide, beautiful eyes. She crawled into Edward's lap and smiled a perfect, crooked smile, a mirror image of his. "Please?"
"No," he said firmly. "Your mother and I will go as Prince Charming and Cinderella. She'll look spectacular."
Renesmee pouted. "But…but…Daddy!" Her eyes became as large as saucers.
"Begging, pleading and manipulating don't work on me," he chuckled.
"Jacob always gives me whatever I want," she said in a frustrated voice. "Why won't you Daddy?"
Edward picked her up and set her on his lap. He looked her right in the eye before kissing her forehead, then her cheek, then whispering in her ear.
"Did you know that, in the fairy tale with Little Red Riding Hood, that the Big Bad Wolf was dressed in the grandmother's nightgown and nightcap?" Her eyes lit up.
"Yes really. And, I think that in the original version of the story, the nightgown and cap were pink."
"REALLY??" Renesmee flung herself into Jake's lap.
"Jacob?" she put on her cutest, most innocent, most precious face. She looked like a porcelain doll. "Will you please wear a pink nightgown and cap for me? Pretty please? Pretty please with cherries on top?" For emphasis, she put her hand on Jake's cheek, to show him. Edward immediately began cracking up. He must have seen the image of a phased Jake, decked out in pink jammies.
"Sure, sure, beautiful. Whatever you want." Jake said. Edward smiled smugly.
What have we gotten ourselves into? I thought. I thought of what Alice would do if Jake asked her to help. I didn't need premonitions to see that this night would probably get wildly out of hand.