Chapter 1 : Speel Chek Plz
Keys clicked under Yuan's fingers as he typed away at the keyboard. Tucked in the deepest level of his Renegade Base, the blue-haired half-elf basked in the glow of the gigantic screen in front of him.
Originally, he had been surfing the new development of the 'internet' to research possible goings on, but he had been distracted with cheap pornography, which had darn near fried his hard drive with the viruses that came along with it.
Being an experienced user of magi-technology, Yuan was quickly able to remedy this, but ended up having to download Norton Anti-Virus to prevent it from happening again. (In the meantime he played his giant Game Cube. Yuan had been meaning to buy a giant Wii, but they were always sold out when he went shopping, something he often avoided doing due to pushy salesmen who managed to unload the Special Edition DVD of Pumping Iron onto him every single time. He swore he had at least twenty of those things, not counting the ones he gave to Botta for his birthday and Christmas every year back when he was alive.) Norton Anti-Virus had cost him about ten thousand gald, at that, and it was already demanding an update for a fee of two thousand. Yuan ignored it.
However, once Yuan had re-opened the internet, it was picking up another signal, probably due to the advanced Renegade magi-technology. He hooked it up to his computer, and to his surprise, it was another internet that bore a striking similarity to the one he had just been on!
However, this was not the budding internet of their world, rife with pornography and instructions on how-to-get-high-off-household-plants. Instead, it was a sprawling metropolis of the exact same type of pornography and instructions on how-to-get-high-off-of-household-plants! It had been in action for many years, and the source of this internet was another universe! Maybe, just maybe, the Wi-Fi signal linked through in a similar way mana used to flow between Sylverant and Tethe'alla? Yuan had reason to believe that in the place this internet found its source, his reality was a video game called Tales of Symphonia, seeing as he Googled himself and everyone he knew.
Yuan could only wonder. He aimlessly browsed about, until a link caught his eye.
No sooner had he clicked on it than music started flowing to his pointed ears.
"We're no strangers to love," the speakers sang as a man with reddish hair danced on screen, "You know the rules, and so do I! A full commitment's what I'm thinkin' of, you wouldn't get this from any other guy! I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you understand!"
"No!" Yuan let out a blood curdling scream, and all went dark.
He had been Rick Roll'd.
"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry, never gonna…" The incredibly fruity song sang off into the night as if it was a prelude to the horrors Yuan had unleashed upon the universe.
The next day, Raine Sage sat at her desk, flipping the pages in her book.
"Lloyd and Colette are sure taking their sweet time," Genis said, leaning back in his own seat. "Let's just leave with out them." He tapped his hand on the wicker basket impatiently.
His sister, however, was in no rush— picnics were leisurely events, anyways. Genis, however, had been doing nothing all day, and was rather bored. He'd made breakfast, but not much had happened between then and the time he'd packed the basket. He'd wandered around Iselia, but nothing in the town he had lived in so long was new, nothing drew his interest. Sure, since the worlds had combined the town had grown a bit from those who had decided to relocate themselves, but he'd already seen those developments, it was nothing exciting. "Then again," Genis said, "It'd be a lot more fun with them around."
"Maybe they got sidetracked, if y'know what I mean," said Zelos, jumping off the desk he had situated himself on and raising his arms around his upper waist.
The Professor knew what was in store. "No pelvic thrusts in my classroom, please," said Raine, looking over her book. The ex-Chosen was in town for a short while— he'd given no reason to his unannounced visit, but Raine, Genis, Colette and Lloyd were glad to see him, for the most part. They'd all decided to go on a nice picnic that day.
"Aww," Zelos groaned, stifling a small chuckle.
Genis opened up the desk that belonged to him and removed the letter in it. Although he'd read it several times, there was nothing else to do as he waited. "…the curriculum at the Palmacosta Academy is designed to challenge and stimulate the academically gifted. While it may have been easy sailing at your local schoolhouse…" he read.
Raine peeked over her book again and let out a tiny sigh. Next semester, Genis would be going away for school, Colette would graduate, and Lloyd would, too. Then the boy would start his journey to gather the Expheres. Her class would definitely be different without them, dare she say it'd be lackluster. She was seriously considering retiring, despite her young age, and traveling the world to lecture against discrimination. Raine let out another teeny-tiny sigh.
Just then, Lloyd Irving burst in. "rain! genus! zilos! colletes missng i havent scene herr aniwheer! how abot u guyz lol??" he asked, misspelling pretty much everything in his dialogue. Luckily, most of it was spelled phonetically, but parts were hard to work out.
"Lowell? Lull? Lawl? What in the name of birth control did you just say?!" Zelos asked him.
"What? Colette's missing?" Genis asked. "Really?"
"lol ya I lukked evrywere, butt shi inst thar!! mebe shee comed her but i gess not lol," Lloyd said.
"Did you bite your tongue really hard or something?" Zelos asked. "Because you're talking… ..funny."
"lol am I rilli?"
All three nodded.
"And what's lawl… lull… Lowell… Oh, whatever it is," Zelos said.
"L-O-L," Raine said. "It's an acronym for 'laugh out loud' that people use on the internet. Sometimes they abuse it to a disgusting degree, like Lloyd is doing right now."
"Internet?" Genis, Lloyd and Zelos asked, although Lloyd's dialogue spelled it 'I think I got salmonella poisoning from kissing this lizard I found in the woods. Is that bad?', and henceforth that was what the three others heard.
Genis, Zelos and Raine all pulled their derailed trains of thought to a screeching halt to stare at Lloyd, gaping.
"Yes, Lloyd," Raine said, "that is bad."
"Wait... You really didn't do that, did you...?" Genis asked as Zelos went through a plethora of facial expressions, trying to find the one that was a suitable response to someone announcing that they had made out with a lizard.
First, he figured he should be happy for Lloyd for finding a soul mate. Then he felt he should be totally blasé about the whole deal, then that he should be jealous of Lloyd, then jealous of the lizard, then jealous of Michael Phelps, then disgusted at the fact Lloyd went and kissed a lizard, and then worried about the salmonella poisoning his friend had, and finally curious as to what salmonella actually was. Something like genital herpes, he wrongly figured.
"lol whut??" Lloyd asked.
"Quit it!" whined Zelos.
Raine coughed. "Anyways… with the recent boom of magi-technology, more and more people have been using it in their everyday life in the form of home computers for means of quick communication, among other things."
"I'm surprised we don't have one," Genis said, eyeing his big sister.
"It's coming in the mail," Raine said. "I've been using one of the townspeople's to experiment. They're really quite fascinating, as is the internet once you get past all the chatspeak, 1337, pop-ups and cheap pornography."
"You know, I have seen a lot of people getting computers," Zelos said. "I keep meaning to check them out, but it always slips my mind… So, how'dja get to the porn?"
"Search anything in Google Images with the filters off and you're sure to find som— why do you want to know, anyways?!" Raine asked.
"Raine, this is Zelos we're talking about," Genis reminded her. "But really… eew…"
"Yes, Professor, it most certainly is Zelos," Zelos echoed, smiling.
"lol kul" Lloyd said. "hay whuts pronn" That time, he neglected to use punctuation in addition to totally butchering the English language. Sheesh, what is the world coming to?
"…Lloyd, have you gotten even dumber since you started talking like that?" Genis asked. "I didn't think it was humanly possible, but the proof's standing right in front of me… I mean, even I know about that sort of stuff…"
"Hay ur meen," Lloyd said to Genis.
"But wait," Raine said, "What about Colette? You said she'd vanished?"
"Ya she ddid," said Lloyd. "me wint too hirr hoose 2 wokk wit her tu comm heer butt shi wasnt thar an fred sed shi had bin gon al da nd hee thot Collit waz wit mii allridi…"
"Although I didn't understand a word of that, he didn't say 'L-O-L'!" Zelos exclaimed in glee.
"lol," Lloyd finished, and Zelos slumped over in defeat.
"So… anyone have any ideas what he actually just said?" asked the red-headed ex-Chosen.
After thinking for a while, Genis answered, "I think he said, 'Yeah, she did, I went to her house to walk with her to come here, but she wasn't there and Fred…' Uhm… Lloyd," Genis said, breaking his translation of what the teenager had just said into English, "if you're talking about Colette's father, his name is Frank."
Lloyd shrugged. "lol"
"Oh, come on, what the hell is this?" Zelos asked, groaning. "He isn't even supposed to be laughing, and he still says it?!"
Genis cleared his throat, and continued. "…'and Frank said she had been gone all day and he had thought Colette was with me already.' There, I think that's it."
Lloyd nodded, and Zelos clamped a gloved hand over his mouth so he couldn't reply with 'lol'.
"Genis, I'm surprised you can comprehend Lloyd's jargon so well," Raine said.
"So am I, Raine," the younger half-elf admitted, "so am I."
"Shuddent wi bi lukking 4 collitte? im wuryed abut herr!!" Lloyd asked, removing Zelos's hand from his mouth. "lo—" Zelos smacked him before he could say it.
"Although Lloyd is really getting hard to understand, I agree with him! Anything could have happened to the poor, innocent, beautiful Colette in this time, especially if she's been kidnapped! Some types of men, not me, though, will sink to amazing lows once they have such a lovely lady in their greasy clutches! Not me, though. Let's go!" Zelos said, leaving Lloyd to rub his mouth where he had been hit.
The group of four rocketed towards the door. Although he had started out last, a very charged-up Lloyd reached it first and tore it open, slamming it against the classroom wall. Once he stepped into the sunlight, he skidded to a halt and let out a gasp.
As soon as the others were out of the schoolhouse, they too abruptly stopped in their tracks, aghast at the familiar figure standing before them.
Where is Colette?! And why is Lloyd talking like that? What do we have to attribute Kratos's mysterious re-appearance from Derris Kharlan to? Will the readers or Zelos snap first? Does Lloyd really have salmonella poisoning?! Does anyone really care?!
…Epic fail, I know.
I'll tell you this, questionable people of : This is shameless fun. I'm paying no attention to taste for my own amusement. …usually, I don't post things like that, but this isn't nearly as creepy (or crappy) as other things I've written, and I actually found it funny.
This is utter crack, mind you. UTTER CRACK. It's not supposed to make sense, it's supposed to make you giggle. I'm going to try (no guarantee at the measure of success I'll have) to keep characters somewhat IC, unless, of course, it's my intention to make them dreadfully OOC.
And really, I'm fine with seeing 'lol' in most occasions, I even use it quite often. But not in fanfiction, please. Unless, of course, said fanfiction is about the internet. –has seen quite a few good, usually really funny, fics featuring the internet where characters/other people have typed 'lol'-
EDIT: ...dude, I posted this link somewhere where it gave a preview of what it was, and for the characters, I had selected Raine and Yuan, because they're going to probably play the biggest parts. And it said 'pairing - Raine S. and Yuan'. I lol'd. There shall not be any YuanxRaine here. There will be, however, like... five Kratos pairings.
Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Symphonia or any of the characters. I do not own the internet, I do not own any Nintendo product, I do not own Pumping Iron, I do not own Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley. It is, however, my ringtone. I don't own anything else I may have mentioned.