The Fanfiction Fanfiction
Chapter 2: Scooby Dooby Doo, I Fear for You
Sorry for the wait!
Up front: I AM GOING TO BE POKING FUN AT ALL COMMON KRATOS PAIRINGS. No offense to any of their fans. And by common, it means I've come across at least ten fics. Over the course of this, I will be taking incredibly cheap shots at: KratosxLloyd, Kruan, Kranna (even if it's cannon. Even cannon can be handled badly… …and it often is), Kraine, KratosxOC (the one in this fic would of course be a Mary Sue, what fanfiction parody doesn't make fun of Sues?) and maybe KratosxZelos if I feel like it. And I may throw in a not-so-common crossover pairing to poke fun at them. Not in that order, probably, though.
Why Kratos? Because going crazeh for love would be so totally OOC for him it's almost unimaginable.
And to Zelda's Fox 38 : PRONGAL. Thinking of that pairing makes me laugh so hard. After shuddering, of course… I have to make a joke about that, oh my God. Maybe I'll make a chapter featuring the worst of the worst crack pairings…eventually once this really gets (Rick) rolling. RodylexAltessa, here we come!
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
"Kratos?!" They all exclaimed, stopping in their tracks.
Well, Lloyd spelled it 'cratois' in his dialogue, and then corrected himself. "Dud!"
"Yes," Kratos said, "It is I!" He posed dramatically as if he had just rolled a bowling ball down a lane. "I smell of Axe shower gel! Does it work?"
"Yes!" Zelos said, "Axe does work! Every bottle contains my very own sweat— meaning the hunnies go wild with a single sniff!" He winked.
"Kratos, why are yo— Wait, what?" Raine took a minute to stare at Zelos. "Well, that might explain why Axe smells so bad…" mumbled Raine.
"y n hwo r u bak f0rm deres carlon dadi?" Lloyd asked his father. "lol"
Kratos blinked. "What did you say, my beloved son?" he asked, stepping towards the group in a very exaggerated and uncharacteristic manner.
"Oh, brother… he asked why and how are you back from Derris Kharlan," Genis said. "And then… then he called you… 'Daddy'…? After that, Lloyd laughed out loud." He paused before examining Kratos and asking a question of his own. "…Kratos, why are you action so weird?"
"Why, those questions are simple, my dear boy," Kratos said. "Why I left Derris Kharlan? Primarily because they were making me take interpretive dance courses up there. That and everyone was lording my police record over me. And how? I got the golden ticket in my Wonka Bar. And why I'm acting so weird? I honestly don't know." He smiled broadly, causing nearby windows to shatter and the earth to quake just slightly.
"Uhm, well… Kratos," Raine said, "have you seen Colette anywhere? Apparently she's been missing all day, and we're all very worried."
"Poor innocent Colette!" Zelos sobbed. "She's probably being forced to do all sorts of things by her dastardly kidnappers! Like cook! And clean!"
"lol" Lloyd said, looking at his feet.
"You selfish bastard!" Zelos said, lunging at his friend and grabbing the fabric of his shirt in one hand and a suspender in the other. Zelos's blue eyes were overflowing with tears. "How could you laugh out loud at a time like this?! How could you possibly?!"
Kratos separated the two, shoving Zelos to the cold, hard ground, which was pleasantly padded with grass. "Don't touch my son! Are you alright, baby? Just nod, my dear. Otherwise I'll remember how stupid you are."
"So, Kratos…" Raine tried to re-start her question, but Kratos interrupted her.
"Not now, Raine. I'm feeling very gay and incestuous all of a sudden," Kratos said, hugging his son and staring into his beautiful brown eyes and stroking his cheek, the skin of which, which despite the trials and tribulations the young man had been through, was still as soft as that of the babe Kratos remembered holding so many years ago.
"lol wut?" Lloyd asked, smiling up at Kratos obliviously before the older man pulled him into a deep kiss.
Raine, Zelos and Genis gaped in horror at the totally unexpected sight before them.
Lloyd, who had not yet mastered the art of breathing through his nose, soon lost consciousness in Kratos's grasp.
He went limp and slumped a little. Before Kratos could re-support Lloyd, Raine and Zelos used the chance to grab the boy and run as fast as they possibly could, Genis in tow.
"Damn!" Kratos exclaimed. "I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your darn dog!"
"Wait," Genis asked as he ran, "who's the dog?"
"You are!" Zelos exclaimed, keeping up the pace.
"Actually," Kratos called out after them, "you are, Zelos!"
"Aww…" the redhead whined as he and his group bolted out of Iselia. "Hey, I think we forgot the picnic basket!"
"Shut up and run!"
Meanwhile, in the Renegade Base…
Yuan was quite disgusted by this 'fanfiction', as they called it. (He found it while searching Kratos's name.) And he hadn't even clicked on anything with his name in the summary!
No, instead he'd chosen to read things that made Kratos or Mithos look like idiots, and he soon felt very sorry for the two of them, although he saved the link about the two of them conceiving a child that they named Cheerios for blackmail. Mithos was the mommy. Until he remembered that Kratos was on Derris Kharlan, and Mithos was dead, Yuan dreamed of the money he could get from them.
After closing out a musical ad for '', Yuan decided to risk his life by clicking on a link to a story called 'Heal My Bleeding Soul', the pairing of which was a surprise, according to the summary.
(The last time he had clicked on something that was a surprise, he had found an essay concerning why an old children's TV show, which had been popular back in the day, promoted getting high.
Some of the questions posed were, 'If this shit is drug free, why do they say 'dooby' in the theme song?', 'Why are they driving around in a hippy van? We all knows what goes on in hippy vans…', 'Is it me, or does Shaggy constantly have the munchies?', and finally and most importantly, 'What exactly are in those Scooby Snacks, anyways?'
Yuan was a seasoned veteran of battles and wars, but this internet sure had some mind-scarring stuff…)
He clicked on the story, because it had 'lemon' in the summary and Yuan just loved watching the Food Network!
Regal walked into the store decked out in stately businessman attire. His hair was straightened and his buns were made of steel.
Yuan made a mental note to send Regal his Pumping Iron collection. He might actually be interested in them.
He randomly looked towards the cleaning supplies section to see the most beautifully beautiful woman he'd ever seen, Pronyma. Compared to Pronyma, Alicia was a fugly slut and Regal was suddenly glad he'd killed the hoe so he would be single for this occasion. Not that he wouldn't cheat on any lover for the gorgeous babe over by the Scrubbing Bubbles.
"Why hello thar, sexeh," Regal said, leaning against a tub of Clorox, "what brings you to this dump?"
"I need Windex," she said.
"Why?" Regal asked, "to clean your eyes? That'd be useless because they're so clear and heavenly."
Yuan paused for a moment, totally floored by the utter stupidity of the line.
"Actually, it's for my brand new see-through top," Pronyma said, smiling at him sweetly.
Yuan groaned. This was boring! He decided to scroll down the page and see what he could see. He kept scrolling until a portion of a paragraph caught his eye.
"…and Regal put his happy-stick into Pronyma's love clam…"
Yuan's eyes virtually bulged out of his head. This wasn't Iron Chef!
Meanwhile, in a huge evil castle in the absolute middle of nowhere…
Mithos didn't know how he was alive, but he was. He also didn't know how he had gotten such a great deal on such a nice piece of real estate. Great stonework, an open courtyard, sure, the inside was sort of shabby, but that was why he had bothered to make a pact with Drapery, the summon spirit of interior decorating, all those years ago.
"So, Lord Mithos, either a cherry or walnut inlay would go nicely in this room, what with the huge, ominous stairwell," the summon spirit of questionable gender (if summon spirits could actually be said to have gender) said. "I think the cherry suits your personality better. Now, the furniture should match, and I'm thinking we have ochre cushioning!" It seemed very excited about the prospect of ochre cushioning.
"Ochre cushioning sounds good," Mithos said. "I shall sit on it when I conquer the world!" He threw back his head and laughed maniacally.
"You want to conquer the world?" Drapery asked as it measured the wall with a yellow tape measure. "Good for you! Now, how about a copy of The Fisherman's Wife's Dream right here?"
"Can you seriously not think of a better picture than that?" Mithos asked, crossing his arms.
"You're right, the color scheme is totally off! I have committed an unforgiveable sin!" Drapery yelled. He angst-ed in the background as Mithos turned to face the audience.
"That's right," Mithos said, "I shall rule the world! Why do I want to? Well," he said, "I don't really know! Probably because whoever's writing this can't come up with anything more creative! How? I have a plan, but it's pretty vague!" Mithos threw back his head and laughed maniacally. "Muahahahaha! Wahahahaha! Muahahahaha!"
"Now, Lord Mithos," Drapery asked, "are you a fan of chaise lounges? Because I think that one would look absolutely stunning in that corner if we added a Grecian pillar with some sort of potted flora on top!"
"Drapery! Don't interrupt my maniacal laughter!"
….this is utter crap, I know.
This chapter exists to say 'Kratos and Mithos are back!'