Something in the Water
Chapter 1: Called Into Question
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA
AN: Birthday fic for Ru Doragon. Keep in mind that this is a lemon comedy fic. In addition, the humor is a tad bit perverted. Think of the humor along the lines of crossing the 80's comedy Porky's, with Sex in the City and American Pie. If you can't take joke, especially sexual ones, then read no further. This fiction also contains odd fluff, odd situations, descriptions, and all around odd behavior.
WARNING: Sexual Humor and Limes. NOTE: If you are easily offended by jokes about all sex, gender, religion, etc. or stick to being politically correct all the time, you do not want to go any further with this.
Called Into Question
(Read the An's before beginning.)
The more Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye listened to the men talking the more she had a desire to train them in a similar fashion that she trained Hayate during potty training. However, the last thing she needed on her record was a reprimand for shooting at her superior and subordinates. Sure, they were finished with their paperwork, but did they really have to converse about this particular topic? It was rather inappropriate when there was a lady present. Of course, none of the men considered her a lady so it didn't matter.
"Are you kidding? A woman loves that!" Havoc said.
"And you know that how? You can't keep a woman for more than three days," Breda said.
"Women like when men play with their breasts during foreplay. It's so obvious! That is what they are there for!" Havoc said.
A strange look appeared on everyone's faces upon hearing Havoc's words. Riza's eyebrow twitched and a vein that was barely visible popped up on the right side of her forehead. She knew better than to comment on what he said but she just couldn't help it. It was so stupid that a comment was almost a necessity.
"Second Lieutenant Havoc. I assure you that is not what a woman's breasts are for!"
"Oh?" Havoc said in a manner that caused all of the men in the room to break into a light sweat. Surely, Havoc wasn't that damn stupid. Surely, he knew both the purpose of a woman's breast and the fact that he should not say anything that has the likelihood of making Riza Hawkeye angry.
"They are to suckle their young Havoc. That is their true purpose."
"Maybe so but they get the young by the sex. The older suck during foreplay so breast sucking is passed down. Generation by generation. It's a beautiful cycle!"
"You, Jean Havoc, are a filthy pervert," Riza said, letting her intense dislike for what he spoke come through in her disgusted tone.
"Aww come on Lieutenant, you can't tell us you don't like for a man to. . ."
"Havoc! My preferences of foreplay do not concern you or anyone else in this room!"
"But you entered the conversation," he said.
"Yes, to shut you up since the general doesn't seem to care about your inappropriate conversation," she said.
"I am actually finding this quite interesting," Roy said. "I prefer staying below the waist myself though. I find that is where I seem to be the most gifted."
Riza tried to keep a blush at bay upon hearing those words. He had no idea how many times she wondered exactly how gifted he was when it came to sexual matters. She wanted to question it. No, that wasn't right. She didn't want to question it: she wanted to experience it. She'd heard about his rumored gifts and really wanted to know if the rumors had any validity to them whatsoever. It didn't help that she had the fact that she was in love with him hanging over that desire. Love made everything such a pain at times.
"Am I really working with you people?" she questioned, then sighed."This conversation is getting downright filthy."
"Surely you've heard worse talk than this?" Roy questioned.
"Of course I have but on a battlefield setting. This kind of talk isn't appropriate for an office."
"So, lieutenant what are your preferences?" Havoc questioned, bringing the conversation back to a dirty topic. All the men turned to her and a light blush spread across her cheeks. "Or do you have any preferences?"
Her preferences? Oh, she had preferences: or rather a preference. Her preference was General Roy Mustang and whatever he wanted to do to her.
Of course, she would never reveal that, so she opened her desk drawer and took out a novel hoping it would indicate that she no longer wanted to converse.
"Like I said, it's none of your concern," she said as she opened her book and began reading.
All the men withheld a laugh over her reaction. If they were to laugh, then they would be risking life and limb. It was already risky when they went on a mission and they didn't need to have a high-risk job at the office as well.
"Aw, come on lieutenant. You are one of the boys after all. What kind of woman do you like?" Roy questioned. He knew Riza wasn't gay but he just couldn't resist the joke. It was like a sore tooth. A person knows that if they stick their tongue to it that it will hurt like hell but they do it anyway.
She took her gaze away from the words on her book so that she could glare at him with a look that could melt steel. "While I have nothing against same sex relationships, SIR," she said, adding extra emphasis on the sir. "I am a heterosexual woman and insist on being recognized as such."
Roy chuckled. "It was a joke. Lighten up, I am sure you've had lots and lots and lots of men," Roy said, teasing her further (another proverbial tongue on the proverbial tooth).
Riza rested her book on her desk, her hands gripping it tightly. "Not lots but my fair share."
Roy was greatly surprised at her response to his tease. He didn't think Riza had time for a personal life and he definitely didn't like the idea of men doing anything sexual to her."
"Why? You jealous?" she asked.
Roy smirked to hide the fact that he was indeed jealous. "Why would I be jealous? I can get any woman I want," he bragged.
"The drag queens down on Maple View Corner actually don't consider themselves women, sir," she retorted.
Roy growled and was becoming annoyed, but the others were thoroughly entertained with the verbal spar. "Still bet have more and much better skills than you!" he said.
The men turned their head toward Riza to see her reaction and to listen intently at what kind of words she would use to retort.
"You couldn't handle the skills I have!" Riza snapped. She no longer cared about the inappropriateness of the conversation, nor did she fully realize what she just spoke. All she knew was that her skills were being called into question and she didn't care what sort of skills they were. No one put her down in any way, shape, or form whatsoever. She got enough of that from her father as a child.
"Oh really? Well, I have some tips for you, lieutenant. For a blowjob you don't actually blow. Oh, and men are good liars."
"And I have some tips for you, sir. Penis pumps don't work and I am sure all of the women in your sexual experiences were good liars as well," she said.
"You've heard the rumors, lieutenant," he said proudly.
"Yes and about 99.9 percent of rumors are false," she said, "and I doubt you are in that .1 percent."
She opened her desk drawer to return her novel then shut it a bit rougher than needed.
"Pity you'll never find out," he snapped, now greatly annoyed that a simple, fun, and dirty conversation had escalated into an argument with Riza. He found out a few things about her that he didn't really want to know. Things he'd been denying for a long time. Riza was a sexual being and now he really wanted to know just how sexual.
"Same for you," she retorted. "Now I have to go to the range to get my practice in. Permission to leave, Sir?"
"Yes," Roy said, in an almost sulking tone. She turned and went to the door. As he watched her move toward the door, taking in her curves that he'd most likely never get to touch or see sans clothing, his anger gathered momentum bit by bit. "Why don't you show Jacob down at the range your "skills" as you put it?"
Riza turned and smirked. "Who says I haven't?" Of course, she would never do that with Jacob, but she was sure that would get Roy's goat. She then left the room, leaving a bunch of shocked faces behind her.
"That went well for you chief," Havoc said.
Roy glared at him. "If you ever bring up a conversation like this in the office again I will turn you into a human torch."
"You are the one that got carried away, chief," Havoc argued boldly.
Roy sighed and leaned back in his chair. He hated to admit it but Havoc was right. After getting back from the northern outpost and being reinstated as a general, his relationship with Hawkeye went from very close to almost cold. One of them always started up something that would end up with them bickering like a married couple. If Maes was here, he would be having a field day with the happenings.
"How in the hell do I apologize for something like that?"
"How about, I am sorry I doubted your fellatio skills and would like to possibly confirm your skills in said area?" Breda joked.
Roy's glare at him effectively shut him up.
"Riza? Are you all right?" Rebecca asked as she leaned against the wall of the booth where Riza was currently firing off rounds into a paper target. Jacob, who ran the range and was close friends with Rebecca and Riza, was standing at Rebecca's left, also intrigued by Riza's current mood. Both could tell by her posture that she was angry and the place where the shots were going told them it was a male that put her in her current mood.
"Mustang do something to tick you off?" Jacob questioned. He chose Mustang since, as of late, he was the only one that could get her that furious.
"Yes," she growled as she lowered her gun, reloaded, and began firing again.
"Are you going to tell us what he said?" Rebecca questioned.
Riza merely mumbled, lowered her gun, placed it on the table, and pressed the button that brought the target to her. Jacob cringed when he saw the locations of the hits up close: the shots were targeted right in the groin area. She took it off the clip, wadded it up, and threw it in the growing pile of targets behind her. After putting up a fresh target and sending it out, Riza reloaded her gun once again and fired off more rounds.
After firing all her bullets, she clicked on the safety and put the gun back on the table.
"Riza what did he do?" Rebecca questioned.
"He. . ." she started to say but stopped. She made a fist and growled.
"Yes?" Jacob encouraged her to finish.
"HE SAID I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE A GOOD BLOWJOB!" she screamed, causing Rebecca and Jacob to nearly fall over in shock. Luckily, for her reputation, no one else was in the range at that time.
"Can't say I was expecting that," Jacob said.
Jacob and Rebecca stood straight and walked closer to their friend. "How in the hell did you get into that sort of conversation?" Rebecca asked.
Riza sent yet another target back out, loaded the gun and fired several more shots at the crotch area of the human outline. "He'll never know, the bastard will never find out!" Riza muttered, not answering her friend's question.
Rebecca quirked an eyebrow at her. "And you will forget about being in love with him as well I suppose?" she questioned.
Riza cringed upon being asked that question. Of course, any idiot could infer that she was in love with Roy Mustang. After all, she dedicated almost her entire adult life to protecting him. However, Rebecca and Jacob didn't have to infer or assume anything. She actually admitted her feelings to them right after Roy left for the north. She'd needed someone to talk to and she trusted Jacob and Rebecca above all others.
"Poor guy," Jacob said.
Riza sighed. "Oh by the way Jacob if he asked. . ."
"You swabbed my talleywacker."
"Yeah," she said, not embarrassed in the least talking with him like that.
"Got ya," he said.
"So you are saying that you will never dance the horizontal tango with the general?"
Riza holstered her gun and shook her head. "I never will!"
"Yaaaaa huh," Jacob and Rebecca said at the same time.
"It's true, I refuse!"
"Riza, I am about to be completely blunt with you."
"Alright," she said.
"If Roy Mustang were to make a move on you then you would be on your back easier than a hooker after being propositioned by a billionaire.
"Rebecca, never compare me to a hooker ever again," she said, sending a cold glare in the woman's direction. Rebecca merely grinned.
"Let's go grab some coffee before we have to get back to work," Riza said, then proceeded to walk away, mumbling under her breath.
"How long do you think it will be before Riza and the general will be in tongue knots?" Jacob questioned.
"Two days at the very least," she said.
"I agree," he said.
Maria Ross laughed at what Rebecca and Jacob told her, earning another growl from Riza. Maria too knew about her feelings for Roy and at the current moment, she wished she hadn't spilled the beans to the black haired officer. If Denny Broch was the same way as Maria, she would have another regret. Hopefully, he would take her side though Riza knew deep down that it wasn't likely.
"Oh come on, you have got to be kidding? Did they really? Did you really?" Maria asked Riza, chuckling loudly.
"It's not that funny," Riza muttered.
"Yes it is!"
"The best part is that Riza said she's never going to let the general partake of her skills," Jacob said.
This caused Maria to go from a chuckle to a loud laugh. "If the general ever makes a sexual advance toward you, you'd be flat on your back quicker than a drunken hooker after a night of drinking."
Riza glared at Maria menacingly. "What is it with all of you and hookers? Don't compare me to a hooker. I am warning you all for the last time. Besides, are you implying that I am easy?" Riza questioned, and then took a drink of her coffee.
"Toward the public domain of men, no, to the general . . . well you would be easy," Maria said, while pouring some cream in her coffee then taking a sip.
"Of course it's the same if we reverse the roles," Rebecca stated. "If you made a play for the general he would be on top of you faster than-"
"Can you all please stop it with the metaphors already?" Riza questioned, cutting off Maria's sentence.
"Fine but you understand our point right?" Rebecca questioned.
"What point would that be?" Denny asked, as he sat down beside Maria.
"Oh, how Riza vowed never to run the flatback marathon with Mustang," Maria said casually, causing Riza to nearly choke on the cream puff she was eating.
"Oh, fat chance of her keeping that one," Denny said.
Riza took a sip of her coffee and coughed to clear her throat. "Where are you all getting those names?"
"Names?" Jacob asked.
"Swabbing the talleywhacker, horizontal tango, flatback marathon. . ." Riza started naming off before Jacob interrupted her with more.
"Tongue knots, beating the meat, swinging the bat, coming on home, filling the taco, pelvic aerobics, beating the turtle. . ." he said.
"Okay, that's enough."
"Those are average everyday terms lieutenant," Denny said.
Riza's eyebrow twitched. "Swabbing the talleywhacker is an everyday term?"
"Depends on how much you enjoy it I guess," Denny said with a shrug and a joking smile on his lips.
"I walked right into that one didn't I?" Riza asked.
"Yes," Denny replied.
Riza stood. "I am going back to the office before your perverted minds corrupt mine."
"We are sure you'd like General Mustang to corrupt more than your mind, right?" Rebecca teased.
Riza scowled. "I'm leaving now," she said and walked away, leaving laughing friends behind her.
Riza muttered about teasing friends and skills as she made her way down the hall and back toward the office where the men should be working. However, what the men were doing in the office was the last thing on her mind. Her dominate thoughts were that of the doubt her friends seem to display when it came to her self-restraint. They honestly seemed to think that she couldn't keep her hands, or mouth, to herself. Riza stopped in the hall and made a face when she realized the dirty connotation that her thought could be taken as.
"I think I am getting worse than them," she muttered. Really though, how could they think that she wouldn't have the willpower to deny the general or keep from touching him. Other than that killer body he had from working out and that thick black hair, and those deep dark eyes, she had no interest at all. That smirk he made when he was trying to make her grin or was up to something mischievous, was nothing special either. No, she didn't want to kiss that smirk or run her hands through his hair. No, she didn't want to be on top of that desk, letting him work on her instead of the paperwork.
She sighed and changed her destination, deciding to make a detour to the women's locker room to take a nice cool shower.
When Riza returned to the office, she found that none of the men would look at her for more than a few seconds. Each of them was working very diligently on their paperwork, which was usually an indication of unease. She laughed inwardly at the sight. If bringing up sexual skills got them to work like this all the time then maybe she would bring it up more often. As soon as that thought came to her, she gave herself a mental knock in the head. It was such a crude idea.
She walked over to her desk and sat down. She grabbed a file from her inbox, opened it, and began working. For the longest time, the only think that was heard in the office was the sound of pens scratching against paper. Unfortunately, that didn't last long. She felt eyes on her and glanced up to see Roy staring at her with a pitiful yet intrigued look on his face. However, when her gaze met his, he quickly looked back down at his work.
She laughed to herself and then resumed filling out the paperwork in front of her. She had to admit, she was quite thrilled at the response Roy was currently giving her. To think that he might be curious about her "skills" was a very big compliment.
A few minutes later, she felt someone watching her once again. She looked up and saw Roy's head quickly move so that his face was directed down at the work on his desk. She looked around the room to see the same thing happen with the other guys. While amusing, it was getting quite ridiculous and uncomfortable. She needed to put a stop to it otherwise, she'd never complete her work.
"Will you please stop staring at me and pretending you aren't? Do I have cream on my face or something?" she questioned. Havoc suddenly choked on the smoke from his cigarette when he inhaled too much, causing it to burn all the way down to the filter at an unhealthy speed.
He began coughing, trying to clear his throat, and threw what was left of his cigarette into the ashtray on the table beside him.
"Are you all right Lieutenant Havoc…" she trailed of when she realized one of the questions she asked and exactly what caused him to choke in the first place.
"If I wasn't such a calm person I would light your entire pack of cigarettes and shove them down your throat," she said. "It just so happens that I was eating a pastry full of cream at lunch!"
Upon hearing that, the men started to chuckle, trying their best to hold in their laughter. Roy bit his lip and tried to focus on the paperwork and forget the joke that popped in his head. She heard a small squeak come from him and turned to face him.
"What is it?" she questioned with a sigh. "I know you want to say something so just say it and get it out."
Roy laughed aloud. "I was just going to say that it was the first time I've ever heard it referred to as eating a pastry." He mentally kicked himself in the balls when she didn't even smile in the slightest, but he wasn't really expecting her to do so. It was just one of those moments where hope outweighed common expectations.
He groaned inwardly. Was he a glutton for punishment or something? Then again, it would probably be very hot to have Riza "punish" him. Before he developed a mental image of Riza as a dominatrix, she responded to his comment.
"I enjoyed that pastry much more than I would have enjoyed any kind of …baked goods you would provide."
Everyone paused in their work and looked at her oddly as she went back to working. Baked goods? That was a very odd term to use.
"Well if you must know, I can bake my goods with the better of them. My baked goods have never gotten any complaints from anyone," Roy said.
"Ovens and toasters can't talk, and if you don't mind I would rather not hear about you sticking your penis in an oven, sir. What you do to get off is no concern of mine."
"I do not stick my baked goods in an oven lieutenant," Roy replied, continuing with using "baked goods" as a sexual metaphor.
"So your baked goods never firm up or get hot? For your sake, I'm sorry to hear that."
Mustang started to open his mouth but found that he was at a loss for words after that line. He never realized that his lieutenant was so good at verbal sparring until today, and especially not when that sparring referred to that of a sexual nature.
"No comeback chief?" Havoc questioned with a laugh. It was rare that someone ever got the best of Roy Mustang. Come to think of it, the only one he ever saw get the better of him was Riza Hawkeye so it seemed fitting that she would come out the winner of this sparring session.
"Shut up Havoc," Roy and Riza said at the same time, both of them sick of the current conversation.
Havoc instantly shut up and then all was quiet in the office.