"Can you believe this?"
"No, I can't. They're pairing everyone up with him!"
"This is bull!"
"I know! I've only met him once! Why are they pairing us together?"
"It's because they're insane! They'll pair anyone with anyone, and he just happens to be the most popular!"
"Well what will we do? None of us has the authority to make them stop!"
"We have to do something! I'm not sure I can read one more fan fiction portraying me as some sort of pedophile having sex with what is essentially a ten year old! Seriously, how is a ten year old even supposed to get an erection?"
"Let's…not talk about that. Let's just figure out a way to go down to earth and stop these people from writing about us."
"But how? The Captain will never authorize such a personal mission, even if they are making a fool of him."
"We need someone of Captain's authority to authorize us to go down there."
"Oh I know! Momo! She's acting Captain of the Fifth Division, so she could help us!"
"Hey, that's not a bad idea! They're sort of going out, so she won't like him being paired up with other girls."
"How are they 'sort of' going out?"
"Well, they're essentially together, even if they don't admit it. They go on dates and stuff, they just don't call them that."
"Okay, she will do then. Let's get there before they can make another fan fic about us!"
Momo sat at her desk filling out paperwork. It was a demanding job, but Momo was glad to be able to do it. It gave her a sense of strength and independence. As she signed a piece of paperwork, there was a knock on the door. Momo looked up.
"Come in!" she called. The door slid open and Matsumoto, Rukia, and a girl Momo did not recognize walked in. They walked up to the desk.
"Hi guys," Momo said, "What brings you here? Oh, and who is this friend of yours?"
"This is Karin Kurosaki. She recently became a substitute Shinigami like her brother, and she came to get aquainted with the workings of Soul Society," Matsumoto said. Momo smiled and shook Karin's hand.
"So why are you guys here?" Momo asked.
"It's come to our attention that there are a disturbing number of fan fictions pairing us with Captain Hitsugaya," Rukia said.
"Pairing you with Shiro-chan? Why?"
"Apparently it was decided at some point that thinking about a ten year old having sex with older women was hot," Matsumoto said, "I'm constantly being paired with him and always end up looking like some sort of pedophile."
"Yeah, well, at least with you he's old enough in actuality," Karin said, "He's like ten times older than me! If we were in a relationship, he would be the pedophile!"
"Well you are around the same height, I guess you'd look sort of cute together," Momo said.
"Wha- but…but I only met him once! All we did was play soccer! It wasn't remotely romantic!" Karin protested.
"And what about me? Surely you don't think it's normal for them to pair him with someone he barely knows!" Rukia said.
"At least they don't pair you with him constantly! They're always pairing me up with him! And because some douchebag decided that we should be together, people who know better are starting to hate me! They call me a bitch and stuff just because some asshole wants to pair me up with Toushiro! What did I do to deserve that? I'm an awesome character, but people can only see me when I'm with Hitsugaya! It makes no freaking sense!" Karin ranted.
"At least you two actually could reasonably kiss him! He'd have to use a little ladder just to get up to eye level with me!" Matsumoto said.
"Well what do you want me to do about it?" Momo asked.
"Authorize us to go down to the human world and give those people a piece of our minds! We'll show them what happens when you pair us up with him!"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that," Momo said.
"What? Why not? You're the one that he belongs with, so why put up with all of these people saying that he should be with us?" Rukia said. Momo blushed.
"Well, we do sort of like eachother, but that doesn't mean… well sure, maybe, but still…" Momo trailed off, blushing furiously.
"Look, just authorize us to take care of these guys and we'll fix everything," Matsumoto said.
"I'm sorry, but I just can't do that," Momo said.
"What? Why not?" Karin asked. Momo sighed.
"It's just not important enough to warrant sending Shinigami down there. I know it's annoying sometimes, but they're just fans having fun. If they want to write that stuff, let them write it. If you hate the pairing then don't read it. It's that simple," Momo said.
"But…but they're pairing him with us even though he belongs with you!" Matsumoto said.
"Well, they're just stories written by fans. They have no impact on reality. Let them have their fun and deal with it," Momo said.
"But…but they…we can't…" Karin stuttered.
"They need to to be stopped! We can't let this outrage continue!" Rukia said.
"I'm sorry guys, but my answer is no," Momo said, "It's not that I don't want to help you, but I have responsibilities now, and I can't just let you go off to the human world for such a personal thing!" There was silence for a minute, with each of them thinking of how they could convince Momo to let them go to the living world to make those people stop writing about them. Suddenly Matsumoto's eyes brightened as she got an idea.
"Momo, you know that in some of the fan fics, they make Captain Hitsugaya tall?" she said slyly. Momo's hand slipped and knocked over a cup of coffee, but she paid no attention to it. She stared at them horrified.
"What?" she gasped.
"It's true! They're making him taller for their stories! And not just a little bit taller, they make him like six feet tall!" Matsumoto said dramatically.
"B-but…being short is what makes Shiro-chan Shiro-chan! They can't just make him tall! It's not normal it's…wrong! They…they…they must die!" Momo said with a steely tone in her voice.
"Well, actually we were thinking of just making them stop pairing us with Toushiro, not kill them," Karin said hastily, but Momo paid her no attention.
"Make my Shiro-chan tall will they? Get your zanpakutos! We need to stop these maniacs! Death to the infidels!"
Thanks for reading. I got the idea for this in the middle of the night and knew I just had to write it. Please review!