A/N: I started another story...I know I shouldn't have, but I did. Don't worry. This is a crack fic that I'll update at random and not nearly as regularly as the rest. It's really just something for me to work on when I'm out of ideas for my other stories and need a laugh.
A/N2: I'm dedicating this first chapter to the wonderful and amazing warmsugar who has been reading and reviewing my story OSTS and has requested that I write her a KyoHaru fic. (This isn't necessarily it, but this first chapter features the lovable Kyo-chan, so I wanted to dedicate it to you!) Hope you get a bit of a laugh, my dear!
Disclaimer: Nothing owned, nothing earned. Entertainment purposes only. Thanks!
Cracking the Fandom
-An "Ouran High School Host Club" Fanfic-
Another day, another adventure with the host club, Kyouya wryly observed on his way into the club room Monday afternoon. The young man had gotten out of class early because of his exceptional grades on the last test, but Tamaki had been held back by the teacher, which the Ootori son figured meant that Suou Yuzuru was having some fun playing a prank on his silly son.
Sighing absently, Kyouya flipped open his black notebook as his laptop powered on, looking for the day's theme. He wondered again why the club president felt it necessary to pick up such an idiotic idea as having the members dress up once a week to impress their patrons. However, he supposed that kept the twins from getting too bored and wreaking even more havoc on his--ahem, the club's--reputation.
Closing the book, Kyouya opened his Internet Explorer and began his daily search for any news on the hosts. He kept a wary eye on what Ouran students, his father's clients, and the press said about the members of the club; so far, nothing worse than Renge's doujinshi had come to light. After the fiasco with the altered picture of Haruhi, Tamaki demanded that Kyouya take over the club's website, a responsibility he pawned off on one of his father's web designers. Since then, the site had received over 50,000 hits, mostly from the same IP addresses, indicating that Ouran girls had entirely too much time on their hands to spend staring at guys they could never hope to have. Kyouya paused in his cynical thoughts, wondering if he should spend more time with his hopelessly optimistic best friend. A moment later he banished the ridiculous thought, making a mental note to schedule another meeting with his therapist for next week.
Putting in the typical search engine terms--Ouran, host club, Suou, Fujioka, Hitachiin, Ootori, Haninozuka, and Morinozuka,--Kyouya sat back to await the typical results. He was used to seeing more pages added to Renge's comic and wondered vaguely who she would pair Haruhi with. He sat up quickly when his screen suddenly filled with hits. His eyes widened at the number of references to the group, and he paid close attention to the web addresses. Noticing they all had similar main addresses but different specifications, he decided to search the main site and see what it was about.
Typing in the address, Kyouya found himself slack-jawed as pictures of the club pulled up onto the screen, pictures that could only have been taken in the club room, during club hours. He saw himself, jotting something in his notebook. Tamaki smiling at an Ouran lady. The twins holding one another in a rather compromising pose. Hunny and Mori sitting on the grass sipping tea. And Haruhi wearing a dress... a dress she'd worn out of duty to the club during one of their themed events.
Growing angrier by the minute at the invasion of the club's privacy, Kyouya scrolled his pointer across the flowery writing at the top of the screen, looking at the various sections of the page. His eyes caught on one: About The Third Music Room. Clicking on it, he began to read.
Welcome to the Third Music Room! We are so glad you have joined us for an afternoon of fun, relaxation, and most importantly, gorgeous men! This site was created for ladies like you: who have desired to meet and get to know the incredible Ouran hosts, who have been touched by the Ouran hosts in their afternoon pursuits, or who have simply imagined such a wonderful place through the inspirational Our Ouran doujinshi.
If you're here, you obviously have the desire for more, and we want to provide that to you. We have included links to several sites in the Ouran Links page, including the link to the school page, the host club's website, and the doujinshi page. We also have a place to register as a member of the site under the Become A Patron tab. As a member, you will also receive exclusive access to our members' numerous posts, mainly in the fanfiction setting but also in the fanart section as well. We allow members to express themselves in a variety of ways, but we ask that they keep their contributions tasteful.
Currently we are working to add a forums area where members can discuss everything Ouran with one another, but that is on hold until we have dealt with the bugs in our other program: Host Chat. Until we have fixed it, Host Chat will not be available, but do not worry; we are working hard to make these services open to our members!
As always, please feel free to email us with any questions. Our emails are listed below, and you can always email the site at . We love comments, so please don't hesitate to sign our guestbook or sign up for free to become a member of the site and begin posting your stories and art. Our community is a loving one, and we hope you all will enjoy your time in the Third Music Room.
The introduction was signed with the names J'aime OHSHC and The M.o.M., and Kyouya blinked slowly, taking in what he had learned. Clicking on the Ouran Links page, he saw that, indeed, the school, club, and doujinshi pages were listed. He decided to peer at the doujinshi to see if there were any mention of this new site there, and upon opening a new tab, he discovered that the doujinshi page had a large banner on the front promoting the "newest opportunity to engage in a friendly community and all your host fantasies." Groaning inwardly, he returned to the other tab and began poking around on the site.
Feeling frustrated by his lack of access, Kyouya was almost ready to give in and create an account when Tamaki burst through the door. Quickly minimizing the window and shutting his laptop, Kyouya vowed to ponder this new development later.
Hours later, Kyouya sat in the limo on his way home from school and absently jotted notes in his ever-present black notebook. It wasn't until he arrived home and grabbed his black bag that he remembered the closed laptop and the webpage he'd discovered earlier. When he reached his room, he quickly shut the door and walked to the bed, sitting down with his bag in his lap. Taking out the laptop, he tossed the bag onto a nearby chair and settled on the bed, back against the head of the bed, laptop opened. Putting in his password, he pulled up the website and began searching again.
Earlier he'd considered asking the twins to hack the site, well aware of their penchant for this art, but because he was uncertain of the site's contents, Kyouya knew he could not allow them to go home and be prowling around while he waited for news. He'd also considered asking his own team of hackers--that is, computer technicians--to "explore" the site for him, but he axed that thought quickly. A smirk formed on his lips as he clicked the Become A Patron tab. Truly, research involving a cunning hunt was always the most...profitable.
Quirking an eyebrow, Kyouya entered the required information: password, age (he decided to be 19), gender (he opted for the Prefer Not To Say selection), favorite host (himself, of course), and level of fanaticism (Practically A Host was his cynical pick). Stopping at the nickname, however, Kyouya pondered for a moment what name to go by. He figured some form of all the hosts names and quite possibly their families--except Haruhi who wasn't nearly as publicized--had probably been taken multiple times. And if he allowed the other hosts to see the site, he needed a nickname that would be unrecognizable...just for good measure. He didn't want any news of his knowledge of and membership of the site to get out to the wrong people.
Chuckling darkly at an idea that entered his head, Kyouya immediately typed in: The OSK. There. That would serve as his nickname in The Third Music Room. He knew no one would figure it out because no one would suspect him of choosing such a name. Unfortunately for them, Kyouya kept well abreast of all the news and gossip, and this particular idea would keep him quite anonymous to anyone including the hosts on this site. Finishing the form, he submitted it, logged on to his email when prompted, and clicked on the verification code to validate his membership. Then he logged in to the site, and the fun really began.
Completely skipping the profile section, Kyouya began to check out the areas unavailable to the public and put his membership to good use by first flipping through the fanart area. Unimpressed by the large amount of drawings and critically scoffing at many of the poor attempts to render his (and the other hosts') forms, Kyouya quickly turned his attention to the fanfiction section of the site. Here he was bombarded by story after story, mostly romantic, featuring favorite hosts and their patrons, hosts with hosts, and curiously enough, hosts alone. His eyes scanned the controls at the top of the page as he realized he could view more mature stories as well. Deciding he really didn't need to see something putting the twins together or worse, putting Haruhi with anyone, Kyouya idly paged through the tamer versions of the stories, feeling his eyes widen as he realized there were literally hundreds of stories posted.
Never having been into the fanfiction scene and generally not knowing how it worked, Kyouya's eyes scanned over summaries, brows raised at letters like OOC, OC, and AU. He decided it wasn't worth having to decipher such things until a later date and finally saw a story that sounded relatively worth his time and attention to at least skim; though the young man wouldn't admit it, he had a voracious appetite for any opinions on himself, even if he didn't think them worth caring about.
Seeing the summary called the story a 'oneshot,' whatever that meant and that it was completed, he clicked on the title and began to read the story that was written by the member Future Host Wife, assuming it would be boring and portray him in his host club persona.
It was just another day in the host club as the Ouran students began piling in to throng their favorite hosts! Everyone was excited to be there...everyone but Ootori Kyouya, that is. The third son of a wealthy businessman and vice-president of the host club, Kyouya was frustrated that he didn't have as much of a fan club as the president Suou Tamaki or the twins Hitachiin Hikaru and Kaoru.
In fact, Kyouya-sama was worried that he would never find a girl because all the other hosts were so popular. No one knew this, of course, because he always sat in the back of the room and observed the rest of the group. His eyes never left the precious laptop on the desk, or so everyone thought.
However, one day, a new girl came into the host club because she had heard of the host club vice-president and wanted to see him for herself. She was beautiful and had hair the same raven color as Kyouya's. Her deep, dark eyes captivated all of the hosts, and it was no wonder as she was such a sweet person with a kind conscience that wouldn't allow her to harm anyone.
That day she walked over to the piano and sat down, beginning to play one of her favorite songs. No one knew her name, but even the girls were drawn to her side. And one Ootori Kyouya sat in the back, typing nothing onto a blank screen as his eyes peered over the top to glance at the new girl. If his glasses hid his eyes, no one noticed, but the Ootori son was shocked when a tear trailed down his cheek. He didn't realize how deeply affected he'd been by the piano's beautiful sounds.
The spell was broken when a fight broke out between the Hitachiins and Fujioka Haruhi, who were trying to convince the new girl she should select them as her hosts for the day. It didn't matter, though, because she had only eyes for the man in the back of the room. And as she stood up, everyone was silenced. She didn't even look at the squabbling group in front of her and completely ignored the host club king when he requested her hand. Instead she walked back to the one host who was removed from the rest.
"Are you free?" She asked the now trembling Kyouya.
His mind raced with thoughts. How could this girl choose him when the other hosts were trying to charm her? He hadn't even spoken to her, and now such a beautiful young lady was coming forward to him! In fact, she seemed more interested in him than in all the others!
He shook his head, and said, "Yes, of course, I am. Please sit down."
Before he could move, she plopped down in his lap and put her arms around his neck. "All right," she purred seductively as she settled more securely in his lap. Then, Kyouya was surprised speechless as she placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
As she pulled away, Kyouya followed, kissing her again, with more force. The rest of the club and the girls watched in silence, jaws dropping at the scene as the two continued to kiss. Before long, the two parted, panting for breath.
"I don't want you to do this anymore," she told Kyouya, taking a breath. "I want you to stay with me forever."
Moved by her declaration, Kyouya stood up, holding her bridal style as he announced, "Tamaki, I'm going to quit the host club. I'll be leaving now."
The two smiled at one another as Kyouya exited the host club room, leaving chaos in his wake. They were happy, and as they climbed into the Ootori limo, Kyouya knew that he had just found the girl who could make him happy, who could take away his loneliness. He had found his soulmate.
Blinking at what he'd just read, Kyouya scrubbed a hand across his mouth, trying to will away the urge to puke. Something in the way that story was written made him want to literally throw his laptop across the room. The story was ridiculous, and he had no idea how his persona in the club room could be interpreted in that way.
Staring blankly at the words on the screen, he tried to analyze the terrible story, but with every new thought, he grew more and more disgusted. The scowl on his face was enough to terrify even the stoutest of hearts, but at the same time, his eyes were narrowed. He would get to the bottom of this, even if it meant he had to have the Hitachiins hack the site after all.
Thinking about that, he realized that might become a problem. If they joined the site (or hacked it), they would have access to this kind of horrendous writing. He had no doubt they would make it into some sort of a scandal and cause him all kinds of problems, so he needed some sort of leverage. Hitting the Back button on his screen, he began searching the stories again.
An hour later, Kyouya smirked grimly at the page in front of him. With this story, he'd found the last bit of leverage he'd need to make sure none of the hosts would be able to blackmail him. He'd found stories on each of the hosts designed to make them run screaming from the room, and he would show them at a special meeting tomorrow afternoon.
Picking up his phone, he called Tamaki and asked if a meeting could be scheduled. Throwing in some tantalizing information that the king would never realize was actually false, he got Tamaki so wound up the boy began trying to call the others while still talking to him. Satisfied, he left his friend to the task and went back to prowling around the site, creating a generic host club membership to use when he showed the site to the others.
Finally sitting back, he wondered at the nicknames of the moderators. One was The M.o.M. and increasingly difficult to figure out. The other, however, a person called J'aime OHSHC, was a bit easier to figure, and Kyouya vowed to confront his suspect as soon as possible and demand answers for this ridiculous website.
Content that he had everything under control, Kyouya decided to get some dinner and go to bed. Nothing would make him miss this meeting with the hosts, especially since he couldn't wait to see their reactions to the stories he'd chosen. He rubbed his hands together slightly and smirked. They wouldn't know what had hit them tomorrow.
A/N: I did not base the crack story on Kyouya on anyone else's story, but based on other fandoms I've seen, there are a lot of these types of stories out there, and I am, yes, making a bit of a statement about them. But I really wanted this to be a joking, funny story, so I hope that doesn't offend anyone. Anyway, if you enjoyed, let me know. If not, also let me know. Thanks for reading!
Until next time...