This fic was inspired by a hilarious fan fiction in the Rurouni Kenshin fandom that was written by Hikari Hrair-ah who in turn was inspired by Theresa Green's fic so I'm crediting both of these authors with the idea just to be safe. LoL. If I am able to execute this fic with even half the wit with which they were able to write their respective works, you're in for quite the trip. Read on!


Disclaimer: Kyou Kara Maou wa atashi no mono da. Jyoudan! Hahahaha!


Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated WOLFRAM VON BIELEFELD unit. Please make sure to read this USER'S MANUAL to insure that you get the full benefit of your purchase. We also hope you will look at our fine products in the catalog. Thank you.

WARNING: OUR COMPANY SHALL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PROPERTY DAMAGE, INJURY, OR DEATH RESULTING FROM FAILURE TO READ AND APPLY THESE INSTRUCTIONS.


Basic Information

Name: Wolfram von Bielefeld (a.k.a. Little Lord Brat, Beautiful Wolfram, the 3rd Son)

Shipping Age: 80 to 83 years old SMS (Shin Makoku Standard) or 16 years Earth Time

Place of Manufacture: Bielefeld Territory, GreatDemonKingdom

Height: approximately 4 feet, 9 inches to 5 feet, 2 inches

Hair color: golden blond

Eye color: emerald green

Birthday: the 1st of August (Sun Sign Leo)

Element Mastered: Fire

Height: Order-specific (see below)

Note to collectors: When ordering your Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit, please be sure to include the serial number of your Wolfram unit, so that we may insure that no Wolfram unit is taller than a Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit, and vice versa.


Accessories

The Wolfram von Bielefeld unit should come with the following accessories:

1 military uniform, Bielefeld-issue, blue

1 pair combat boots, leather, brown

1 pair socks, white

1 cravat, white

1 neck chain

1 set Army decorations, assorted

1 standard rapier, Bielefeld issue

Note: Please do not complain unnecessarily about missing or substituted accessories. A rapier is a type of sword.


Setting Up Your Unit

Quick-start Instructions

Upon arrival, please allow the box to stand unopened for approximately ten minutes. This will allow the unit's stomach to settle after its water-based transfer to your world. If this is not done, you are deemed accountable for any resulting mess, as the Wolfram unit will flatly refuse to clean it up. Attempts to further coax or admonish the unit into cleaning (which he views as menial work) will result in the unit's commission of arson and 1st degree murder by 3rd degree burns. As stated above, damage to life and property resulting from failing to comply with the directives for operation stated herein shall not be accounted for by our Company.

Note: The unit will activate automatically once the box is opened. If the unit does not immediately tell you off in very colorful terms, it is malfunctioning. Please call Customer Service for assistance at 1-908-KKMAOU (556268).


Programming

Your new Wolfram von Bielefeld unit is actually one of the most complex and delightful units in our catalog.

His many functions include:

Commanding Officer: Wolfram can be tasked with taking over the job of commanding your troop of bodyguards. We assume you have more than one bodyguard on your payroll because you could actually afford this royally-priced, very princely Wolfram von Bielefeld unit. Good for you!

Note: Should you not have a troop of bodyguards yet, Wolfram will be happy to recruit and train some for you.

Master Painter: Your Wolfram von Bielelfeld unit will be glad to paint portraits of you and your family in the Cubist and Abstract Expressionist styles. In most cases, you will not need to ask him to do so.

WARNING: Persons with allergies or sensitive noses will wish to avoid activating this function (see warnings on bearbee-excrement paint tubes). Should you inadvertently do so, we recommend immediate purchase of a Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit to sit for said portraits in your place.

Babysitter: The unit will be delighted to baby-sit kids aged 7 and above after it has been introduced to a Greta: Child Princess unit for a time (rental option available, subject to availability). If you wish to train Wolfram to take care of smaller children, we recommend the purchase of an Elle Bruschella: Baby unit.

Pretty Boy: Revive NEWLY DEAD PEOPLE ONLY with this function! For this you need only to open one eye of the NEWLY DEAD/TERMINALLY ILL person you wish to revive and the beauty of your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit will surely bring him back to life and in the pink of health!

Note: Bodies that have started to decay that are given the treat of seeing your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit will thence be ZOMBIES. The cost of their exorcism will not be shouldered by our Company.

FUNCTIONS NOT SUPPORTED: Beautiful as he is, it is IMPOSSIBLE to persuade the Wolfram von Bielefeld unit to be your lover. Please see our "ZETTAI KARESHI" collection for Knight to serve that purpose.


MODES

The Wolfram von Bielefeld unit operates in the following pre-programmed Modes:

Bratty (default setting)

Master Orator (original invectives every time!)

Bodyguard

Given time and opportunities for interaction with other units, he can learn to operate in:

Sweet (when exposed to Greta: Child Princess or Elle Bruschella: Baby units)

Jealous (see Troubleshooting section)

Pensive/Thoughtful (rare to see, often a result of a fight with Demon King Yuuri Shibuya)

Death and Destruction Mode (see Troubleshooting section)


Interaction with Other Units

Your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit will not be very social but he will be fiercely loyal to your family or to the family of units you introduce him to. Please see our accompanying catalog for a complete listing. We particularly recommend the following:

Demon King Yuuri Shibuya -- as mentioned below, the Demon King Yuuri Shibuya and Wolfram von Bielefeld units will have a rough start, but afterwards, your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit will fall hopelessly in love with the wimpy but rather adorable Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit and we will say this again just to make sure, if you're one of those persistent types: it is IMPOSSIBLE to persuade a Wolfram von Bielefeld unit to fall in love with you. It will hold out for a Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit, whether it knows about one or not. The Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit will always be the Wolfram von Bielefeld unit's Priority One.

Note: If you have children in the house, please do not leave a Demon King Yuuri Shibuya and Wolfram von Bielefeld unsupervised after one or both of them have survived in a life-threatening situation.

Greta: Child Princess this little girl unit inspires a fatherly and a rather overprotective, doting range of emotions from your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit.

Cecilie von Spitzweg Seductress Extraordinaire -- this unit inspires fear in the Wolfram von Bielefeld unit. It is a mystery even to us, The Originators, whether said fear is invoked by the former's sandbear-hugs of death or ten-thousand-decibel shrieks of joy.

Gwendal von Voltaire -- commands respect and absolute obedience from your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit, but this programming will be overridden if the Gwendal von Voltaire unit ever risks the welfare or breaks the heart of the nearest Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit with the former's infamous curtness.

Lord Conrart Weller: Master Swordsman -- Please do not worry if your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit is snappish and rude to the Lord Conrart Weller unit at almost all times. When your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit is by himself, your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit will think fondly of the Lord Conrart Weller: Master Swordsman unit as "Little Big Brother".

Yozak Grie: Super Spy -- in some cases, a Wolfram von Bielefeld unit may develop a slight crush on this beautifully-built espionage unit, but only until a Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit is detected, in which case it will start treating the Yozak Grie: Super Spy like an old shoe and make Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit Priority One.

Gunter von Christ: Educator and Adviser – is one of two units most likely to cause the Wolfram von Bielefeld unit to go into Death and Destruction Mode. See Troubleshootingsection for details.

Gisela: Medicine Demon -- this mild-mannered unit instills terror in the Wolfram von Bielefeld unit when a medical emergency arises if the former feels the need to enlist the assistance of the Wolfram von Bielefeld unit.


Troubleshooting Your Wolfram von Bielefeld Unit

Problem: My Wolfram von Bielefeld unit just arrived and already he has challenged one of my other units to a duel.

Solution: If you have a Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit, please do not be alarmed if your new Wolfram von Bielefeld unit tips the dinner table over and challenges the Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit to a duel for the next morning. This will usually be because Wolfram von Bielefeld unit has insulted the Miko Shibuya: Mama unit's qualities, causing the Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit to retaliate with a slap. In Demon Kingdom custom the slap constitutes a marriage proposal. After your Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit defeats your new Wolfram von Bielefeld unit (guaranteed to happen 100 percent or you get your money back!), the Wolfram von Bielefeld unit will fall in love with the Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit and they will start getting along just fine.

Problem: My Wolfram von Bielefeld unit is constantly sick to his stomach.

Solution 1: You have taken your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit on a sea voyage. Return to dry land, and the problem will correct itself.

Solution 2: You have allowed your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit to spend too much time painting, and it is being affected by bearbee-excrement paint fumes. Open all the windows and make the unit take a break.

To prevent future occurrences, we recommend a purchase of our Wolfram von Bielefeld: Artmeister Accessory Kit which includes a custom-fit painter's smock in 100 percent stain-proof T-zou wool, a matching beret also made of 100 percent stain-proof T-zou wool and 256 shades of bearbee-excrement paint. Order within 30 days of your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit purchase date and you will also receive a state-of-the-art "Lets-You-Breathe-Fresh-Air-Only-kun" gas mask as a FREE GIFT from Karbelnikopf Laboratories, Ltd.

Problem: My unit seems really unhappy, and not even the Greta unit will cheer him up.

Solution: In some cases, a Wolfram von Bielefeld unit will fall into severe depression and it will be impossible to cheer him up even with a Greta: Child Princess unit but don't worry -- it only means that a Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit has taken a liking to your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit and it should not be long before you will need to organize a Royal Wedding for the two. If you're lucky, you might see them making out in private places. To organize your Royal Wedding, you may rent (subject to availability) or purchase a Lady Cecilie von Spitzweg: Seductress Extraordinaire or a Lord Gunter von Christ: Educator and Advisorunit for this purpose.

Problem: My Wolfram is destroying my country in a rage.

Solution 1: Someone mentioned the possibility that the Greta: Child Princess unit will grow up and get married one day, causing the Wolfram von Bielefeld unit to shift into Death and Destruction mode. Show the unit the switch at the back of the Greta: Child Princess unit, assure him she will never grow up and the problem will correct itself.

Solution 2: Your Wolfram von Bielefeld unit has contracted the Evil-in-the-Great-One virus. Please check the vicinity for Forbidden Boxes (recalled products) and then call our hotline 1-908-KKMAOU (556268) for assistance.

Solution 3: You have left a Demon King Yuuri Shibuya unit in an unsupervised setting with a person or unit other than the Greta: Child Princess or Elle Brushella: Baby units, and your Wolfram unit has gone into Death and Destruction mode. Please flee the country until the unit's anger has dissipated. The units most likely to trigger this reaction are the Gunter von Christ: Educator and Adviser and the Lady Flynn of Caloria units.

-o-

Thank you once again for your purchase of the WOLFRAM VON BIELEFELD unit. If you did not read these instructions, your name might have been written in a Death Note (sold separately) as it is extremely doubtful you will last more than 40 seconds.

We hope you enjoy your purchase.


Sayo sez: Thanks to my wonderful beta DayStarsMom. You're the absolute best.

To the readers of this fic: I hope the lines breakers didn't annoy you. I couldn't make the invisible line breaks look right. -weeps- It used to be so easy to edit HTML here on FF, but now, even attempting to make sense of their document editing system is a pain in the tush.