Welcome to the epic new Shekiah fic, Why Edward isn't Gay. Please understand before you eat me alive that I'm not bashing Edward, I'm just having a little bit of fun at the expense of the whole Cullen family. And that's okay, because I love them. :D But I don't own them. Sadness. Also understand that I've totally got nothing against homosexuality, and that's probably why I can laugh at stuff like this. By the way, I'm sorry if there are any Alistair fangirls out there... :P

"We just don't want you to feel like you have to pretend to be somebody you're not," Carlisle said, concern written all over his face. "I mean, we could kind of understand when you weren't interested in Rosalie. It was surprising, certainly, but sometimes people just don't connect. But then, last weekend, when you turned Tanya down as well…"

Carlisle's voice trailed off, and he turned to Edward for a response.

"Everyone, I appreciate your anxiety on my behalf, but I'm not gay," Edward insisted, smiling weakly. Why did Carlisle and Esme insist on family meetings for absolutely everything?

To sum up the situation, the Cullens had all begun to realize (particularly as they adjusted to life with the newcomers Alice and Jasper) that Edward was the only one of their numbers still without a partner. They had visited the Denali clan in hopes that Edward would click with one of the girls there, but with no success. Add to this the fact that he was a very neat person, well-groomed, and extraordinarily musically gifted…

Well, they had begun to wonder some things.

Jasper found the whole situation fairly amusing. He raised an eyebrow at Carlisle.

"If you want him to be gay, Carlisle, I can arrange that," he said slyly. "It would be a pain in the ass to conjure up tons of lust to throw at him every time you or Emmett walked into the room, but I could do it easily enough…"

'Woah!" Emmett exclaimed. "Don't get me in on this!"

"You're a homophobe?" Jasper demanded, trying not to laugh as thousands of practical jokes using his unique powers popped into his head.

"Only a little!" Emmett replied defensively. "There's just something… not okay about it, you know, man?"

Rosalie, for one, wasn't at all alarmed by the possibility of having a homosexual brother. In fact, she was extremely hopeful that Edward would fess up. After all, what other excuse would Edward have for turning her down? If he turned out to be gay, her record with men would go back to absolutely spotless.

"Are you positively sure, Edward?" Rosalie demanded, beginning to look a little bit crazy. "I mean, sometimes people don't figure this stuff out until way too late in the game. And all I want is for you to be happy."

The last two or three words were spoken through clenched teeth. Edward shrunk back a little bit, biting his lip.

"I think after ninety years I'd know if I was gay, Rosalie…"

"Well, the thing is, you never really know until you think about the possibilities," she replied. Before he'd realized what she was doing, Rosalie had pulled up Emmett's shirt to reveal his rock-hard six pack abs. "You're sure you don't want some of this? I mean, there's no shame in that. It's Emmett, after all, I'm sure even plenty of straight guys would be into that…"

"Rosalie!" Emmett exclaimed, his expression one of horror as he yanked his shirt back down. "What the HELL are you doing?"

"Emmett, I'm surprised at you," she replied, faking hurt. "You don't want to help our dear brother Edward discover who he really is?"

"Not like that I don't!" Emmett replied in horror. "I mean, I'm sorry, Edward, you've been a good brother and all, but there are some things that you just don't ask a guy to do, you know?"

"Emmett, I never – " Edward was cut off by Esme, who had been holding his hand through the entire discussion.

"We know this isn't easy for you, honey, but you have to understand that we'll love you just the same no matter who you are," she said, smiling widely.

Emmett opened his mouth like he was going to contradict the last statement, but Rosalie elbowed him sharply.

"Esme's absolutely right, Edward," Carlisle continued calmly. "It doesn't matter to us how you feel about these matters. Why, in fact, it's not abnormal for a vampire at all. You've met my friend Alistair, the British nomad, right? Well, it was hardly a century ago that he finally…"

Edward had stopped listening, and was looking at Alice. She sat to his left, looking as though she was trying to hold back such hysterical laughter that if she actually had to breathe, she would have been doomed.

Having been too preoccupied trying to make sense of Rosalie's madness to listen to Alice's thoughts before, Edward finally tuned in. He was fascinated by what he saw.

It was him, looking exactly as he did now (of course), but he was sitting with his arm around a very pretty brunette. Her hair was blocking her face, but Edward could tell that this future version of himself was quite interested in said girl. There were subtle clues, like the way he ran his fingers through her hair and rubbed her back.

So he was straight after all – not that he'd ever had any doubts.

Edward only smiled to himself as Carlisle's lecture about Alistair's success in the gay vampire world came to an end.

"So what do you think, Edward?" Rosalie demanded. "Do you feel liberated? Understood? Like you can finally admit who you are?"

"Well," Edward replied, feeling a sly crooked smile come to his lips. "You guys make a very convincing argument. If I make any personal discoveries, you all, as my family, will be the first to know. And Emmett – "

Edward paused for effect, watching the terror on Emmett's face grow more and more severe.

"You will be the very first to know."