This was originally written for the Gauntlet on Mugglenet FanFicition. We were given pretty weird prompts to write about, so I went with it and wrote a really weird story. I hope you enjoy it!
This was written before Deathly Hallows was released, obvious reasons. If you really like my humor, I have an almost complete fiction up called "Truth, Dare, or Double Dare". If you'd like, please check it out.
"George! George, where are you?" Fred Weasley called, looking around every corner for his missing twin. "It's me, Fred! Where are you George? I'll get you back for this!" Fred had now looked all over the Ministry of Magic, every place, except for one. "The Department of Mysteries," Fred whispered, staring at the one door he had yet to enter. He pushed open the door, and walked into the room.
Instantly, the room Fred had entered began to spin. When the spinning finally ceased, Fred whipped his head around the room. He couldn't tell which of the doors would lead him onward, and which was the single exit door. "Oh man," he said to no one in particular. Than he felt his wand in his right hand and an idea struck. He shut his eyes, and spun around in a small circle a few times. When he stopped spinning he cried, "Incendio!" Fred open his eyes and found himself facing one of the many black doors. Except, this door was different. It had a large hole in the center, courtesy of Fred. "Cool," he said, pleased with himself and his spell work. Gripping his wand tighter, he headed through the blasted door.
On the other side of the door was a dark room. "Lumos," Fred whispered, suddenly cautious. His wand revealed a surprise in the once dark room. The walls were painted in a pink paint so bright, Fred had to squint just to look at them. In the center of the room was a bed, a bed with a bedspread identical to the hideous walls. And on the bed sat a little girl. As Fred looked at the girl, she giggled.
"I am the Undertaker Lamb," she announced.
Fred stared at her blankly. "The Undertaker Lamb?"
"Yep." The little girl bounced up and down on the bed in excitement. "I will carry you away to your death."
Fred stared at the girl, blankly. "Sure you are," he said, rolling his eyes.
"Really," the girl said, standing up. When she was standing, Fred could see that she was wearing a dress, just as vibrantly hideous as the walls and bed. "But, I will spare you your death if you can pass one test."
"And what test would that be?"
"Sing a song with me!"
"How did I know that was coming?" Fred grumbled, quietly, and to no one in particular.
"Here's the song." The girl began singing, "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees, and toes. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees, and toes-" the girl stopped her singing (with the matching motions) and glared at Fred. "Join me," she demanded, for the first time looking like what she claimed she was.
Fred looked at another door on the other side of the room, and started inching his way to it, joining the girl. "Eyes, and ears, and mouth, and nose. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees, and toes." The duo started the song over again. "Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees, and toes. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees, and toes. Eyes and ears and mouth and nose. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees, and,"
"Nox," Fred whispered, cutting off the only light in the room, his wand light.
"Hey!" the girl shouted.
A fireball whizzed out of the darkness towards Fred. He sidestepped it and it hit the wall behind him. Except, the fireball didn't light the door on fire. It fell to the floor and burst open, revealing a lamb, bathed in golden light.
As Fred again, moved to the door, the lamb's head followed, watching him. As Fred's hand closed around the doorknob, the lamb suddenly jerked, as though waking up, and changed. The golden light changed to the ugly pink color of the room, and it bared its teeth, revealing long sharp teeth. With a snarl, it lunged towards Fred, who quickly opened the door and slid through it, unharmed.
Unharmed, at least until he fell. Fred fell several feet until he landed with a splash in cold water.
"Aw, and I was wearing my new shoes too," he whined.
Fred looked around, observing his surroundings. There was a key dangling from the ceiling, and another key floating at the bottom of the water he had entered. But the best sight of all was on the other side of the room. A door. Fred swam over to the door, and turned the knob. "Locked," he grunted. Then he spotted a third key hanging by the door. He grabbed the key and inserted it into the knob. A perfect fit. Fred turned the key and heard the lock unclick. He went to pull the door open, but it wouldn't budge. "Huh?" Then realization hit Fred like how a wrecking ball hits a building. "It must be one of the other keys. I'm brilliant," he said, feeling triumphant at his "brilliance."
Taking his brilliant brainstorm to heart, Fred dived down to the bottom of what he now determined as a lake. It was easy. One yank, and the key was in his hand. Fred swam back to the door and inserted the new key. It too fit perfectly and clicked as he turned it. Also like the first one, this key did not open the door when Fred pulled on it. He groaned in frustration.
"So it's the one on the ceiling. And it only took me two tries to figure that out! I'm even more brilliant than I thought," Fred said, grandly announcing it to the empty room.
Fred pulled out his wand, pointed it at the dangling key on the ceiling and shouted, "Accio!"
The key stayed put. But, a small little golden car had appeared next to Fred,
Nothing but the appearance of a pair of wings, the same size and color of the little car Fred had gotten on his previous try.
Ten minutes and Fred's entire knowledge of spells later, the key was still hanging from the ceiling, and a mountain of little golden trinkets surrounded Fred.
"I don't know what else to do," he moaned leaning against the door. "Whoa," he said, falling backwards. "Ouch," he said, as he hit the ground. He stood up, rubbing his backside. Then he realized something. "I'm through the door. Guess I should of pushed, not pulled."
As Fred stood up, a peered around his new surroundings once more, he groaned. "Not another room."
As Fred stood up, and peered around his surroundings, he groaned. "Not another room."
This room was strange. It was just four black walls, one black floor, and one black ceiling.
"Great, I'm stuck," grumbled Fred. "You're gonna pay for this one George."
Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, a loud voice boomed, "Hello, pitiful, I mean puny human!" Fred yelped and jumped backwards.
"Sorry, I always mess that line up," the voice said.
"No problem," Fred replied.
"Anyways," the voice cleared its throat, and continued, now loud, and booming. "There are six ways out of this room. One way will lead you out of this room. The second will take you out of the Department of Mysteries altogether. A third way will take you wherever you want. The fourth way will take you into another room. And the fifth way leads no where, and you'll be trapped in here." The voice paused. "Forever".
"That's great, Mr. Big Voice, but there's one problem," said Fred. "You only gave me five options. You said that there were six ways out.
"I know!" cried the voice, exasperated. "Why doesn't anyone understand that I do that for dramatic effect? The first thing they assume is that I made a mistake."
"I bet that makes you feel really bad," Fred said.
"It does," said the voice, with a hint of a sniffle. "But you understand, right?"
"Of course I do."
"Aw, you have to be the kindest person I've ever met."
"You think so?" Fred asked, plopping on the ground.
The voice gasped. "Of course I do! I don't just hand out compliments, you know. Everyone else is all 'Eek, a big scary voice, oops he made a mistake, he can't count' and then they laugh at me.
"I would never laugh at you."
"Hey," said, Fred getting an idea. "Has my brother come through here?"
"Well, whose you're brother?"
"He's my twin. We look exactly alike."
"Yes, I've seen him! Came through here a little bit ago."
"Yes!" cried Fred, triumphantly. "Can you tell me which way he went?"
Then there was silence.
"I meant that I can tell you, not that I will."
"Will you tell me which way he went?" Fred paused. "Please?" he added.
"Of course I will! But first I must finish my speech."
"And the sixth way," said the voice becoming dramatic again, "leads to an eminent death. Now choose your path, wall, wall, wall, wall, floor, or ceiling."
"Now will you tell my which way my brother went?"
The voice coughed a cough that sounded suspiciously like "Ceiling."
"Thanks," said Fred. "I choose the ceiling!" and Fred was whisked up and away through the ceiling.
Fred popped out of the ceiling to find himself, well, on a ceiling. "Figures," he muttered to himself. "I should have gone through the floor."
This new room, which was upside down, appeared to be a courtroom. There were raised benches encircling the room, and a chair in the center. Fred's heart leaped, then sunk again, when he saw that there was a door out of this room, but it was connected to the floor, not the ceiling. Fred would have to get onto the floor and to the other side of the room. The easiest way to cross the room, of course would be to walk across, but Fred was too afraid of falling several stories if he moved his feet.
"Hello!" Fred called out. "Mr. Voice? What do I do? How do I get across the room? How do I get out of this stupid Department of Mysteries?" As he shouted his final question, Fred noticed something golden glinting. He peered in at it. "Courtroom Ten," he read aloud. "This is where Harry had his hearing," he said, enjoying these moments of "brilliancy". "So I am out of the Department of Mysteries!" Fred had more brilliance joy. But, he still hadn't solved the problem of getting to the door on the other side of the room, and out into the Ministry again.
The watch on Fred's wrist ticked down the amount of time Fred was taking to get another streak of brilliance. Ten minutes past. Then twenty, and thirty, thirty-five, forty… "I've got it!" Fred exclaimed triumphantly. "This happened to Harry in the third task of the Triwizard Tournament. He told me about it. All I have to do is lift my foot, and…"
The room righted itself.
Fred sprinted across the room and threw open the door. He came out into the corridor he started in. And there, looking down upon him, was a tall, red haired person.
"I found you!"
"I found you!"
"Let's go home."