This is dedicated to my sister, BakaKonekoRKL and her friend spiffynerd. :3
Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran...yet...Bwuahahahahahahaha!!
Haruhi sighed heavily with annoyance as she took her seat at the far end of the table.
To her right sat Mori and Hunny, and to the left were Hikaru and Kaoru and then Kyoya, and at the other end, as far away from her was possible was Tamaki.
The Host Club had just served their 5000th member in school that day, so since it was a Friday, they decided to celebrate.
So Kyoya had called up a few restaurants and this had been the only one with room for people without reservations. It was a ridiculously large place with 5 stories and a swimming pool and tennis courts outside. It was more of a hotel than a restaurant.
Of course, there was a catch; since it had been Kyoya's scheme, everyone had to pay for their own meals, so it was not really a treat for serving 5000 customers, instead it was a devastation to our poor little commoner's wallet.
She had protested and told the other members that she had something to do that night, but Tamaki just suggested they waited for a night when she was free. So, against her highest approval and will, she joined them. She thought that it would be best to get it over with than procrastinate; rich people do not like to wait.
And she also knew that Kyoya, being buddies with her father somehow, could call Ranka right up to see if Haruhi was lying about going somewhere that night.
So, the twins of course had to sit together as did Hunny and his cousin. Haruhi had let everyone else pick seats first, and thankfully, she was the farthest she could be from Tamaki. However, she now realized that sitting away from him hand been a bad idea.
A very bad idea.
"Haruhi! My poor daughter! She's so far away!" He cried across the table dramatically. "And she's so close to those hooligans!" He gasped. "If you two do anything bad to your sister I'll-"
"Senpai, shut up." Haruhi growled. She was not in the mood for his stupidity right now.
He looked crushed and taken aback, then a black shadow came over him and he curled up into his Corner Of Woe.
"That a girl!!" The twins laughed, she glared at them too but they did not notice.
"This is no good," Kyoya was mumbling. "We should have gotten a private room." There were many other people around and this was only the second floor.
Haruhi was grateful for the other people around though, she could not imagine being alone with the Host Club in a restaurant; who knows what they would do?
The seven of them flipped through their menus, all discussing what sounded the best, and what dish tasted best with what side dish and what stuck to the ceiling.
Haruhi browsed her menu and found out that she had no idea what any of it said. They were all insanely big and complicated words that looked like a drunken person had written them. The only things Haruhi could make out were 'water' and she had heard of one of the dishes before, but that was all.
"Forget this," She murmured to herself. "I'll eat when I get home later." She decided, closing her menu and pushing it away from her.
After about half an hour of contemplating, most of the guys had still not decided what they wanted to eat. Haruhi tried to drown out their dimwitted conversations, but their voice were so loud and she was so used to hearing them it did not do her much good.
Once 15 more minutes had passed, she started to get irritated. Tamaki was the only one who still had not picked yet and he was going on and on and on.
"Ooooh! Maybe I should get the-! No how about-! Ah! This sound good! Oh but this-" And so on.
Haruhi was smashing her head against the table.
When she had finished, she quickly realized that he was debating each item on the menu in order, and he had already gone through it twice.
However, none of the others seemed bothered; the twins were laughing together, Kyoya was speaking on his cell phone and Hunny was asking Mori what to get for dessert. After an hour, Haruhi's eyebrow was twitching like mad with aggravation. Finally, she could take it no longer.
"Senpai!" She shouted across the table. "Just get something!"
She quickly suggested the only thing she knew how to pronounce. After she had said it, Tamaki looked at her thoughtfully.
"Well, I don't think I've ever had that before…"
"It's French…" Haruhi insisted, intent on having him pick something, anything. Tamaki thought for a few more seconds before straightening up.
"Right! Waiter!" He called, and at once a tall man wearing a suit went over to him.
Haruhi exhaled with relief as they all gave their orders. When he asked her what she wanted she simply told him a glass of water; she was paying for her own meal after all.
"Haruhi!" Tamaki had burst out once the waiter had left. "What's wrong? Do you not like the cuisine here? Kyoya! Let's go somewhere else and-"
"No! No! I'm fine, Senpai." She quickly interjected. "I'm just not hungry, I'll eat when I get home." However, it being over an hour since they arrived, and the last time she had eaten being lunch, she was actually quite famished; it was 8pm, since rich bastards like eating late and partying, no matter the night.
She was just appalled at the thought of going to another place when they had already placed their orders. She would be stuck with them until midnight if they had to decided what they wanted again.
Tamaki looked troubled by her suggestion to wait until she got home to eat. He turned to Kyoya, sitting beside him.
'What do you think of this Mother?" He asked, trying to make it a dramatic whisper but Haruhi heard anyway.
Kyoya was scribbling in his black notebook that had literally come out of nowhere. However, Haruhi did not hear is voice over the clamor of the other people. Then Tamaki looked up and pointed a finger at Hikaru and switched it to Kaoru and back and forth again as he spoke. "You two! If your sister seems hungry, you report to me immediately, got it?" He sounded like a football coach.
"Hai, Tono!!" They both saluted and turned their heads slowly to grin evilly at their so-called 'sister'.
Haruhi glowered back and then turned away and mumbled, "Damn, rich, bastards," under her breath.
After about half an hour more, they still had not gotten their food, only their drinks. Haruhi only took a sip from her water, saving it for later for she knew that the wait would be longer still and refills cost extra. Haruhi clutched her stomach as it growled loudly and she cursed.
"Haruhiiiii!" Hikaru's voice was instantly right next to her. She jumped and turned around to face him.
"Sounds like somebody's hungry!" Kaoru was suddenly on her other side and she gasped.
"No! I'm fine! Now sit down, both of you!" She hissed. They each patted on of her shoulders and shook their head.
"Tsk, tsk." They chanted, but after a moment they took their seats again.
Haruhi tried to subdue her hunger by chewing on an ice cube, and she did not miss the overly worried looks Tamaki kept flashing her. Each one was met with a deadly glare. Finally, after almost another full hour of annoying talking and Haruhi harassment, their meals arrived.
However, Tamaki seemed to have forgotten that Haruhi had not ordered food.
"H-Haruhi!" He cried, tears flowing down his face. "You're not eating?"
Haruhi sighed heavily again.
"No, Senpai, I'm not and you already knew that." She answered, her eyebrow twitching again.
"I heard nothing of the sort!" Tamaki protested.
"Tono!! You're daughter's anorexic!!"
"HUH?! SHUT UP YOU TWO! I AM NOT!"
"Haruhi! How could you?"
"Senpai shut it! I'm not anorexic! Hikaru and Kaoru are just mentally challenged!"
"We are not!!" The quarreling continued until Kyoya told them that they would be kicked out if they did not stop.
Haruhi personally had no problem with that, but they all stopped fighting nonetheless. Haruhi sat and watched as they all devoured their insanely exquisite food, the only things on the table that she could recognize were various forms of cake. However, Tamaki was poking his meal with his fork, the little brown shapes rolling around his plate.
"Haruhiii!" He whined. "What is this? You made me get it, tell me!"
It was the only thing that she knew what it was in this place, so obviously, if she knew it; it was pretty much commoner's food. Which meant that Tamaki had probably never heard of it. Haruhi knew that if she told him the real answer, he might refuse to eat it and order something else, which meant waiting even longer…
"Guess." Was what came out of her mouth.
"Guess?" The blonde echoed, rolling around another piece with his utensils.
"Ooo! Ooo! A guessing game?!" Hunny cried. "I wanna play! I wanna!" Haruhi grimaced as the twins agreed that they wanted to play as well.
"It's a Commoner's Guessing Game!" Tamaki said aloud, a smile breaking out across his face.
"Yes, yes whatever, just guess." Haruhi groaned, knowing that this was a bad idea and that she would not be home before midnight.
She glanced at Kyoya, for surely he knew what the food was. She caught his eye, and he smirked, but said nothing.
"All right! Commoner's Guessing Game has started!" Tamaki announced. "Hmm let's see…" He twirled one piece around on his plate. "Is it meat, fish, or produce?" He asked.
Haruhi's eyes doubled in size. Not because he had used the word 'produce' correctly in a sentence, but because she had no idea what it would be categorized as. Thinking quickly, she came up with another answer.
"I-I can't tell you that." She told him. Tamaki frowned.
"Why not?" He was more curious about the game than upset about being denied.
"Because its…the rules! I can't tell you what food group it's in." Haruhi answered cleverly.
Tamaki sat back in his chair and curled his fist under his chin, deep in thought.
"Oh! Lemme try!" Hunny waved his hand around madly in the air. "Ummm, is it chocolate? Or tiny cupcakes?" He asked, eyeing Tamaki's plate.
"No." Haruhi answered.
"Its chicken!!" The twins grinned.
"No, its not." Haruhi sat back and smiled to herself; she was staring to enjoy this.
"Maybe their balls of brown sugar!" Hunny suggested.
"Nope." Haruhi shook her head.
"Fried bananas?" Asked Tamaki.
"No." She smiled, satisfied. Then they all started guessing at once.
"No, no, no!" Haruhi silenced them all with a loud, exasperated huff. This was a bad idea. She moaned inwardly. "Now you're all just saying random foods! Hikaru, Kaoru, pickles aren't even brown."
"Food dye?" Kaoru suggested.
"I don't like this game!" Tamaki wailed.
"Senpai, how about you eat them so we can leave!"
"Fine." He agreed. They all watched as he popped one brown, circular shape into his mouth. After he swallowed, he threw down his fork. "Ugh! That's vulgar! Grotesque!" He recoiled away from the food on his plate. Haruhi caught Kyoya laughing from the corner of her eye.
"G-Good." She said. "That means it's fresh. Actually, this dish tastes so good it seems to taste bad." She nodded, making it up as she went. She had never tasted it before, but she assumed how nasty it must be.
"Really?" Tamaki blinked in disbelief. "Well if that's the case and it tastes bad because it's good then it's scrumptious!" He grabbed his fork and began devouring the remaining pieces.
Haruhi smirked, but also felt her stomach lurch as she watched him eat it.
Then, she saw Kyoya shaking his head in utter disbelief that Tamaki was eating what he was eating. He smiled and turned to Haruhi, giving her a look that said, 'You made him eat that? You're insane, Haruhi.' She smiled back at him triumphantly.
Then she feared that she may be forced to use her talent in the future for the Host Club, but she pushed the thoughts away and enjoyed her moment of victory.
Finally, they all finished and chipped in for the bill; poor Haruhi had to pay 20 dollars for a glass of water that she did not even finish. They all walked outside together, and Kyoya's limo came first. He wished them all good night, and with a quick grin at Haruhi, he departed. Tamaki left next.
"That was disgusting but then I guess that means it was delicious!" He called to Haruhi, waving goodbye.
Haruhi was about to start her long walk home when Hikaru and Kaoru appeared before her.
"Hold on, Haruhi!!" They stopped her. Each one placed a hand on either of her shoulders and spun her around.
"Now you've got to tell us…" Kaoru murmured into her ear.
"What did you make Tono eat?' Hikaru finished.
Hunny and Mori leaned in eagerly to hear the answer.
Then, the twin's hands moved up and down slightly with her shoulders as she burst our laughing.
The four boys exchanged confused looks for a moment until Haruhi stopped and caught her breath.
"Escargot." She answered.
"…What's that??" The twins asked.
Haruhi laughed again and turned to start her walk home.
She started walking away, but then turned her head to call the reply over her shoulder.
XDDDD Ok so this is how this parody came to be. Me and my sister (BakaKonekoRKL) were watching Food Network and the secret ingredient for Iron Chef was snails. And this is how it happened, ahem:
Sis: Ew! Snails! ... hehe... its French
Me: Like Tamaki! XDD
Sis: Yes! XD
Me: OMG I should TOTALLY write an Ouran parody for that! XDD
Sis: OMG YES DO THAT RIGHT NOW! AND HAVE IT DONE IN LESS THAN A WEEK!!
So the next morning, I wrote this and posted it :3
Please let me know if there are any mistakes!
Hope you liked it!!