Author's Note: This isn't How the God Generals Replicated Christmas Chapter 5. I know. That is coming. This was a random idea that sprang into my head, which I pounded out yesterday on a whim, so at the very least it's not as though it's keeping me from finishing my more important fanfic obligations (I have other things to do that).
Anyway, Julia, ever my co-conspirator, lent me Noir. This was probably a mistake, as after watching it, I become very attached to the idea of fandubbing it ala Yu-Gi-Oh! the Abridged Series (look forward to it… eventually, though probably under a moderately more original title like "Noir: To Make a Long Story Short."). Yes, I realize that Noir is… not easy to make seem completely silly, but damned if I'm not going to try.
Long story short (wow I only noticed that in retrospect), I mentioned how in said parody, there ought to be a line about how the whole thing with Chloe could be resolved via a threesome. I asked Julia if she'd ship that (since she doesn't ship KirikaxMireille due to hatred of Mireille), she said maybe, I said "Wow that would make a beautiful crackfic," and here we are. I realize there's already a fic of this nature (at least one) by the name of "Just the Three of Us," but I feel like different people can tackle the same idea in fairly different ways. Also that fic hasn't updated in about a year (though I of all people should probably know how little that means). So, I guess I'll just have to be careful not to rip it off.
Disclaimer: I don't own Noir, I'm just using it for my own pleas—er… strictly comedic purposes.
This fic is rated T… tentatively. I doubt there'll ever be anything graphic, but there is a level of innuendo that may go a bit far… And you never know. Anyway, enjoy!
Three's Noir-y, Too
A Crackfic of the Highest Caliber
By Duo Himura
Come and break down our door
We've been waiting for you
With guns that are hers (Mireille) and hers (Kirika) and hers (Chloe: knives!)
Three's Noir-y too!
Come and step on our floor
There's a landmine or two.
We've a loveable space that needs your face
But not the rest of you!
You'll see that life(1) is a ball again
Mireille might fall again(2), too…
Down at our rendezvous
Assassins waiting for you!
Instrumental (have some notes(3))
(1) read: Wanton destruction and violence
(2) This is pretty much a guarantee
(3) No pun intended… but I'll take credit for it anyway
Come and knock on our door
We promise we won't kill you (no, really!)
Unless you're with them (the Soldats) or them (the other faction of the Soldats) or them (some other random criminals who hate Noir for no apparent reason)
'Cause three's Noir-y too!
(Mireille bass) Or something close enough anyway…
It is the name of an ancient fate.
Two maidens who govern death.
See, it says "two." And we even look like the statues.
That doesn't prove anything! It could be a red herring!
Yes, because we've just had tons of those. It's not like there's ever any foreshadowing or completely obvious revelations or anything.
Hey, does anyone else think it's… um… interesting that Mireille's the one who gets the "nursing babes," line?
((Sound of flame being slashed in two))
Chapter One: The Epitome of Anticlimax
(Is that last word there one that should be avoided in a lesbian threesome crackfic?)
"Assassin who wears BRIGHT RED!"
"Assassin who COMPLETELY stands out in a crowd!"
"Well you're always slipping and falling down for no good reason!"
"You try fighting in heels!"
"And that's another thing! Why do you fight in heels?"
"At least I never took advantage of Kirika's zombie-like mental state to get in random naked kissing!"
"Oh, like you never did anything to her while she was asleep!"
"Th-that's not the point!"
"I think you're both missing the point," interjected a young girl with brown hair and brown eyes. Her name was Yumura Kirika, she was currently dressed rather like a roman goddess (a description neither of the others present would be likely to argue with, in spite of the sheer cultural inappropriateness), and she was clutching a rather bloody shrimp fork in one hand. "Why aren't you dead?"
The question was directed at a similarly-aged girl with neck-length purple hair, wearing a matching outfit, though where hers looked to be made out of silver cloth, while Kirika's was golden. She had, until a moment before, been lying on a slab of stone, rather dead by all accounts, but had apparently tired of it, and had climbed back to her feet just a moment prior to the beginning of our tale. As an assassin, this was something of a sleight to Kirika, who, along with her shrimp fork, was responsible for the sizeable red stain on the other girl's chest.
"You stabbed me in the sternum. With a shrimp fork. Which had prongs that were maybe an inch long. How would that kill me?" the not-dead girl, Chloe, asked. "But it was sweet of you to try! Really!" she added, realizing the implicit insult in both her words and the fact that she wasn't presently decaying on the stone slab. With romantic fondness creeping into her voice, she continued, "You even remembered how you were going to kill me with that shrimp fork on our first date…"
"You are INSANE!" shouted the last member of the trio, a slightly older woman with blonde hair that fell halfway down her back. Her name was Mireille Bouquet, and she was, perhaps, the least effective assassin who has ever intended to be taken seriously. No really. It's in her contract. She cannot kill any named character without extensive assistance and/or saving. "Why do you keep thinking her trying to kill you is a GOOD thing?"
"Autonecrophilia," said Chloe with a shrug. "It's when you're attracted to the idea of yourself being dead, or of a specific love interest killing you."
"You know, like when I begged you to shoot me," Kirika said. "And you wouldn't, so I had to… well… let's not get into that…"
"Wait, you mean that was—!" Mireille stopped short, then stared at the ground, utterly dejected, and sadly pondering what might have been.
The three of them fell silent, each lost in her own thoughts (all of which more or less conformed to the same topic, but I digress). Finally, Kirika broke the silence, trying to wrest her mind from Chloe's fingering of her chest wound, and what it would be like if she had a profusely bleeding injury right near a vital organ like tha—
"So… what do we do now?" she said.
"But bloodstains don't come out of sheets!" Mireille exclaimed. "What? Oh… um… I mean… Uh… you're right, only two of us can be Noir, and… well, of the three of us, there are two who haven't died in the past five minutes, so."
"I didn't actually die!" shouted Chloe. "And you would have been dead anyway if Kirika hadn't—wait, where are you going?!" The other two had turned and were walking away from her. "W—wait! Kirika! Come back…"
"I… I'm sorry, Chloe," said Kirika, without looking back. "But… you don't have an obvious parallel in the various Noir statue representations."
"But… but if you really have to have her—"
"She does," interjected Mireille, sparing the bare minimal attention from her current task—figuring out whether Kirika was wearing underwear beneath that tunic.
"I mean… what's wrong with three people? That's still Noir…y. And then everyone's happy! For a change. That'd be good, right?"
"I don't know…" said Kirika, turning to face Chloe (and so prompting Mireille to do the same). "All of us being happy? I mean… it's bold, but… Can that even happen? Wouldn't it cause some sort of universal fault line to open up and release swarms of horrible tentacled monsters which would then ravage all of existence?"
"And besides, would we even be happy if it was the three of us living together?" Mireille wondered, still too absorbed by Kirika's not-quite skirt to have noticed the use of the words "tentacle monsters," and "ravage," in the previous sentence.
"Well… maybe not…" Chloe admitted, crestfallen.
"See? Let's go, Kirika. Also, think you can do that crazy Russian marching thing? To make sure that your legs are okay for a full range of motion, I mean," Mireille turned once more away from Chloe, and Kirika, casting one last, hesitant glance backwards, followed.
"But… but… but… ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER THAT YOU'LL EVER DO!" Chloe cried after them. "And two can be as bad as one! It's the loneliest number since the number one! So you see, three would be so much better!"
Kirika stopped dead, struck to the core by this compelling argument.
"Huh? Kirika?" said Mireille, noticing her partner's reluctance. "You're not really thinking…"
"But Mireille, she has a point! And I… I can't just abandon her… then she'd just be one more anime character who finally got to kiss their love interest only to drop dead immediately thereafter."
"But she isn't—Wait, she KISSED YOU!?" Mireille rounded on Chloe, reaching for her pistol. "You little ska—"
"No, wait! Mireille!" Kirika grabbed Mireille's arm. "We just got done with all that. No more random inexplicable violence!"
There followed what is referred to in certain circles as a "pregnant pause." A time during which every character suddenly sits up and takes note of what had just been said, as though it had connotations that rocked the very foundation of the world to its core.
"Do you realize that—?" began Mireille and Chloe at the same time.
"I know!" said Kirika. "But I…" she continued, more softly, "I… I like you both, okay?!"
"….We are so far beyond okay right now…" said Mireille, glancing around as if lightning was about to strike down from the heavens and kill them all. And… as if being especially aware of one's surroundings would make the slightest bit of difference if that were to happen.
"But… I mean… no offense, Mireille, but you kind of kiss like a log, and yes, I was awake." Mireille opened her mouth as if to say something, then closed it again just as quickly. "And Chloe," Kirika turned towards the purple-haired girl, "you have to understand that Mireille is the mature, pretty, uh… mature… woman who breaks down and cries relatively easily and also needs constant rescuing who I always wanted to be in a relationship with. Also she's been living in the seedy side of society for most of her life, so she must have picked up something, and since it certainly wasn't assassination skills… well…"
"So… I can come with you?" Chloe asked, eyes full of impossibly large tears, and also in general reverting some of the way back to "normal," from their typical narrow slits of death. Kirika nodded. Mireille grumbled. Chloe glee'd. Also her eyes went back to being narrow slits, which stared into the depths of your soul as if to gauge how best to pluck it out.
"Well… whatever, let's just go kill Altena," said Mireille, barely bothering to mask her disappointment.
"W-what?! You're going to kill Altena?" Chloe gasped.
"Hey, if you don't like it, you can just stay here," said Mireille. "We'll come back for you. Probably. Or you could try to stop us. Not that I want that. Or anything."
"But… why? You've already given up on being Noir, haven't you?"
"Why? WHY?" Mireille bellowed. "You want to know WHY we're going to kill the woman who's been manipulating us all since we were infants, until we finally got to the point where we've all confessed our feelings and agreed to have a threesome?!"
"Because… um…" Mireille paused. "Kirika, why do we want to kill Altena?"
"I don't know," said Kirika, quizzically. "I was just going with the flow. Like when she gave me my gun back I just sort of felt like I should do something dramatic."
"Actually, now that I think of it, things haven't worked out all that terribly for us. I mean, sure, there was all the abuse and the angst and whatnot, but really… as far as resolving issues go I'm perfectly okay with giving the finger to both factions of the Soldats by just ignoring them and going home."
"Yeah… what did Altena want anyway?" Kirika wondered aloud. "For the Soldats to be… some crazy criminal organization who… help the needy and protect random girls from being raped in wartime?"
"No, Altena just… all she wanted was…" Chloe paused. "Okay, that's weird. Now that I think of it, I spent an inordinate amount of time with her and I still have no idea what she was really trying to accomplish. I kept getting lost in all the rambling about how hatred can save people (and the innuendo). And then she'd laugh, and it was kind of scary, and one time they had to sedate her when she really got going and she fell into sudden… evil…ness for some reason."
"That seems to happen a lot around here…" said Mireille, looking at Kirika.
"It's all this damn Roman/French/Spanish air! It doesn't know what it wants to be! It's like Elfen Lied!" accused Kirika. "There's even random groping! …Now stop it."
"Aww…" sighed Mireille and Chloe.
"So… you're not going to kill Altena?" said Chloe.
"I guess not," said Mireille. "I mean, I can't think of a particularly compelling reason to, seeing as we all seem to have no lasting mental scarring from any of this."
"Hooray!" shouted Chloe, jumping up and down (and giving Mireille a pretty good indication as to the answer of her previous question).
"Well, I guess our work here is done," said Kirika triumphantly. "Let's go home. I'll some make tea!"
"And I'll update our blog so that everyone knows that we're done assassinating people," said Mireille.
"Ooh! Ooh!" shouted Chloe, practically bouncing with crazy teenage girl energy that was entirely at odds with her permanent glare of death. "And then we can have crazy off-screen lesbian—"
And so our three heroines walked off into the sunset, ready to face whatever challenges life threw their way (read: create far more problems for themselves than life was particularly likely to throw their way). God-willing, they will not all be smote down for their deviant behavior before the next "Three's Noir-y, Too!" Cause, you know, it's one thing to kill people for money, but lesbian threesomes? THEN you're in smitin' territory.
Next time, on Three's Noir-y, Too!
Our heroines set out to begin their lives anew! Unfortunately, their apartment isn't quite on the same page. In fact it pretty much needs a contractor and a good redecorating because… damn.
Will our heroes be able to tear themselves away from the bed-alcove long enough to restore their abode? (Answer: Yes. Because this isn't that fic.) And what will do the neighbors think of all this? It's EVERY BIT AS EXCITING AS GUN ACTION (really!), on the next Three's Noir-y, Too, Chapter 2: Shoujo Aiyaiyai…
It'll Salva YOUR Nos! Wait a minute…
Ending Note: Well, not terribly much to say for this fic. I was actually not horrible about excessive culture references. Also the chapter wasn't 10,000 words long. That helped.
Cultural Inappropriateness: How exactly does a Japanese girl end up with blood from an ancient, secret European order? Japan had closed borders and was hostile to foreigners for… well, the entire Edo era, anyway, and one assumes much of the rest of the time. Certainly I don't think there were many Europeans running around creating needlessly complicated lineages.
Autonecrophilia: Wouldn't it just figure that when I so much as touch erotic description it would be about festering wounds and the like? Also, I really hope I invented this term. Otherwise I would lose all faith in humanity (but it's okay for me to do it). Oh, and expect the "shoot me!" scene to be interpreted this way if I ever get remotely that far in making Noir fan parodies (it's what the idea was for to begin with). Really, it's all tone of voice, you don't even need to change the dialogue… "Shoot me! Please! Mireille!"
One is the loneliest number: It really is, you know. Obviously a reference to the song "One" by Three Dog Night. Up to you whether Chloe is singing this or just shouting it, though personally I love the way song lyrics sound if they're just randomly shouted instead of sung.
"It's like Elfen Lied!": Weeeiiird manga (just finished it earlier today, as it happens). It alternates between genuine horror with a decent plot and some interesting ideas floating around to… random… groping and other ecchi-ness. Also half of the cast hates the other half of the cast, and a differently divided half of the cast loves its opposite half of the cast (and these are not mutually exclusive in all cases). Again, weird.
Anyway, that's about it. My intent is to finish How the God Generals Replicated Christmas by this Christmas seeing as I blew it last year, so I wouldn't count on this particular work updating in the immediate future, but I shall certainly try to find some time for it eventually.