Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking (if you're even reading this): another Dragon Drive fic?! Yeah, I know, shut up. The GX part of my brain isn't working, nor is the Naruto part, the Wolf's Rain part, or the Yu Yu Hakusho part (I know I don't have fics for the last three; I just like them and can't seem to write fics for them…). The Bleach part is kinda working, but only for UlquiorraxGrimmjow yaoi smut. Plus, as I may have said, my Himuro Hikaru obsession has been supercharged recently. And the guy really needs a new outfit; he owns what looks like a track suit, a black t-shirt, and a red cloak-thing. Jeez. Well, then there's that outfit he wore on the cover of volume 5, which I hated. Ick.
Also, though I have no real fondness for Toki Kouhei, my friend Alicia does, and he also needs a new outfit. I mean, fringed overalls? Also ick. So yeah, Alicia and I are taking Kouhei and Hikaru, respectively, to the mall, where they will get new clothes, meaning that I am taking Hikaru to Hot Topic, where there is stuff that fits his personality. XD.
Warning: This story is a crackfic. It is AU. It involves two OCs that happen to be me and my friend. I am telling you this now, because I will accept no flames. I will try to keep Hikaru and Kouhei in character, but I'm not very good with Kouhei, and it's difficult to keep Hikaru in character when he's in a mall, which I'm sure is a quite alien place to he-who-sits-in-front-of-his-computer-in-the-dark-all-day.
Disclaimer: I can't think of a funny one right now, but just to be safe, AlukaKaiserin does not own Dragon Drive or the A Dirty Job and Bloodsucking Fiends references, which are owned by Christopher Moore.
To the Mall!
"No. No. I am not giving in to your psychotic whims."
"My psychotic whims? Who chased a guy across two dimensions over a video game because beating him was your 'only reason for living'? I can't remember that being me, 'Karu-chan," I said.
"Stop calling me that."
"Seriously, 'Karu, it's just a mall; it's not going to kill you, even if you do have zero people skills. And you need new clothes."
"I do not."
"Yes you do. Look, I'm dragging you whether you want to go or not, so you might as well be a good sport about—ah, dammit." Hikaru, clearly, was not going to be a good sport about this. His face was set in that "I'm not going you can't make me if you do I will hate you forever" look. I was used to this look. The results were rarely good. However, I had stood up to the look in the past and 'Karu did not hate me, so I wasn't about to stop here.
"Himuro Hikaru, we are going to the freakin' mall," I said. "You are getting at least one new outfit. You have three, one of them isn't even a real outfit, one of them is awful, and the other one looks like a track suit. Be comforted, you are not the only one who needs new clothes; Alicia is bringing Toki."
Hikaru changed his look from the previous into the "why must you do this to me you know his voice is the bane of my existence" look. Yes, I have a Himuro-to-English dictionary; don't ask where I got it.
"Please tell me we can duct tape his mouth shut."
"That is a possibility, but not a sure thing, so don't bet on it." Hikaru's eye twitched. "Oh, please tell me you're not going to have a 'psycho moment' in the mall…"
"That is a possibility," Hikaru said.
"Crudmuffins. Last time you did that, we got kicked out of the movie theater because you claimed that the screen refused to fight you and then you ran screaming at the manager holding a stick of Pocky like a katana."
"I did not."
"Yes you did."
"It was not Pocky, it was a sharpened pretzel."
"Whatever; you attacked the manager with crunchy food product and it was 'politely requested' that we leave the theater and never return because there will now be a picture of you behind the desk with the words 'Eject From Theater; Hostile Presence' under it."
"You are over-remembering this. We were asked to leave one time and it was requested that I not bring my own food in the future, seeing as theirs is only lethal when eaten."
"Is that what happened?" I asked sheepishly. "Whatever, psycho moment or no psycho moment, to the mall with thee and thy companion who ist moi! Alicia has finally gotten her license and is waiting outside in the getaway c…I mean the car she borrowed from her mother."
Hikaru's eye twitched again as I dragged him outside and into the car, where we settled comfortably in the back seat. Well, I settled comfortably. Hikaru crossed his arms and sighed in a long-suffering manner.
"Hi, Alicia," I said. "Hello, Kouhei."
"Hi, Em. Hi, Hikaru."
"Hi—MUF!" said Toki, as he was gagged with duct tape.
"Hikaru…" I said dangerously. "No. Give me the tape. Now."
Hikaru shook his head stubbornly.
"You are acting like a child, Hikaru. Cut it out."
"I don't feel like it."
"Okay, now you're really acting like a child. Give me the duct tape. Because seriously, I don't want to have to wrestle you in the back seat of my friend's mom's car, because that would look extremely wrong and would be awkward to explain."
"Guys, cut the foreplay, will you?" asked Sumishiba, sticking his head into the car. I had been too busy demanding the tape to notice that Alicia had stopped the car to allow Sumishiba and Meguru, who were waiting on the street corner, to get in.
"Shut it, Sumishiba, or I swear I will—" Hikaru began threateningly.
"Yoink!" I said, snatching the roll of tape. "Thank you, Sumishiba. But that was not foreplay; that was getting the duct tape away from him because he's acting like a small child and gagging Toki with it."
"In that case, please let him," Sumishiba begged. I had rarely seen Sumishiba beg, and it was an amusing sight.
"Guys, would you drop it about Kouhei's voice already?" asked Alicia.
"You walk across a featureless desert with him for days after he's had Full Throttle, why don't you?" asked Hikaru. (A.N. yes, there are energy drinks in Ri-kyuu, deal with it.) "He never shuts up."
I muttered something under my breath about the crazy pills Hikaru must have forgotten to take that morning; unfortunately for me, it was more of a stage mutter than anything, so Hikaru heard me. I loved him to death, but when he jumped me like that, I had no choice but to fight dirty; despite his appearance, the man was strong as hell, but luckily, I had claws.
"Ow! Jeez, woman, that's got to be cheating!"
"Sorry," I said sheepishly.
"Do you sharpen your fingernails? I'm bleeding."
"Who forgot the crazy pills this morning…?"
"Hey, you're on thin ice, love. Don't push me. For all you know, I did forget my mood stability pills this morning." I grinned maniacally. "I could be hysterical next, and you would have to deal with it." Hikaru paled. More.
Alicia looked amused, as did the other passengers of the car.
"Kitty!" screamed Sophie Asher at a passing Toki Saizou, who promptly fell over quite dead.
"I don't know who you are, kid, but I love you," said Alicia.
"This is Sophie," I said. "She's the Luminatus. Kinda like the Grim Reaper. Only six years old. She kills with the word 'kitty'."
"Goggies, Emmy," Sophie said.
A pair of enormous hellhounds known as Alvin and Mohammad appeared alongside the car, whereupon Sophie leapt to Alvin's back and the trio departed.
"Well that was just weird," said Hikaru.
While the other inhabitants of the car agreed that that had been just weird, I noticed that Alicia was about the miss the exit we needed for the mall. Loudly proclaiming this fact, I was able to avert disaster, as this would have necessitated at least another half hour of driving.
"Parking space!" I screamed, after we had circled the parking garage for twelve minutes and forty-two seconds. "Parking space!"
"Quit screaming, woman!"
"Cut the Christopher Moore references!" Hikaru finally yelled. I glared at him. "Please," he grumbled. I smiled.
"Kay. But Alicia, seriously, parking space."
"Oh. Okay," she said, pulling in.
"Will someone remind me why I'm here again?" Sumishiba asked.
"Because, Sumishiba Ichirou-kun," said Meguru, "you are going to help me pick out a new outfit, because I am sick of my ancient school uniform and you don't need a new one." Sumishiba seemed to blank out as he was led away by the cuff of his sleeve.
"Poor guy," Kouhei sympathized. Hikaru seemed to agree. A double glare from me and Alicia silenced them. Ohhh, they were going to regret that…hehe.
So, what horrors could possibly make Hikaru and Kouhei regret their decision to pity Sumishiba? Place your bets folks! Muhaha!