A/N: Written for scribblscrabbl's prompt, 'Don't know what to do anymore / I've lost the only one worth fighting for / I'll drown in my tear storming sea / That would show you, that would make you hurt me' at jpex. Once again, this contains some spoilers for Breaking Dawn, which I advise against reading.
Title: a place more lonely then i feel within
Words: 1 129words
Disclaimer: They're not mine, never were. I didn't create them, I don't own them, and I didn't write the series, Meyer did. I just sort of take all the angst my muses throw at me for them.
. a place more lonely then i feel within .
The halls are silent now. Silent and empty.
People are there, of course, but he doesn't see any of them, he doesn't see anyone anymore. Not the girl that he claimed to once love more then his entire life, not his family who still stands by him, not the world that he used to know so well that's now crashing down around him in huge waves; like the sea on the cliffs.
Now, he actually hopes that they'll all die, that it would all end, because there's this twisted desire in him to hurt him, to hurt Jasper. It's sick, yes, and Edward knows just how selfish he is, for wanting the end to come, for him to die; because he knows how it would wound the older vampire. But that's not all, he wants to be free and he wants to be alone.
He deserves to be alone.
So he seeks out places where he can lose himself, where there's no one to see him come apart at the seams. Bella suspects something is up, but he makes sure that she's training when he falls apart. She doesn't deserve to see this, what she deserves is more, something that he can't seem to give her. Edward's at a loss, it's a feeling that he's never had to deal with before.
"You're hiding something from me."
The accusation hangs in the air between the two vampires, and Alice winces just slightly, but she doesn't say anything. Edward looks at her hard, trying to will whatever it is that she's trying to keep hidden from her mind. He wants to know, in fact, he's not used to not knowing, and in a way it has made him spoiled.
More then that, though, is just the fact that he has a feeling it involves him.
"Edward, do you ever feel like you've made a mistake?" Her voice is, well it's almost wistful, but there's a resignation to it too. Almost as if she already knows the answer to her question, which she most likely does.
"No, why?" Again, she's hiding whatever it is that is bringing on these strange questions. Alice bites her delicate pale lip, and goes back to staring out the window at the yard. The wedding is only a few hours away. There will be no turning back.
'There will be nothing after this.'
"Alice, what are you getting at?"
She shakes her head, the thought that he doesn't grasp it drifting through her mind as she turns to leave, "It's nothing Edward, don't worry about it. I'm sure that it will all work out in the end." And then she's gone, off to continue her preparations and plans for the wedding that is now going to happen, no matter what change of heart Edward might have down the line.
'I guess we're not meant to find that happiness.'
Edward can see now, just what Alice was trying to tell him with explicitly saying it. This... feeling, longing, this intense feeling inside of him was, in some way, reciprocated. For her to speak like that, it obviously meant that Jasper had to feel the same way. But now, Edward's realizing this, that it's too late; he can't go back and undo all of the decisions he made, all of the wrongs he's done.
It's too late.
He had gotten too caught up in looking for something that fit in for what was acceptable in his fairy tale world. The fact that he was in the real world, a place where there's more to everything in place of the straight and narrow, hadn't made any impression on him at all. Edward had looked in all the wrong places for what Rosalie and Emmett had found, what Carlisle and Esme had. In his fairy tale world, that had been the norm, and when Jasper and Alice had shown up, that had only further cemented the belief.
So caught up had he been in that, that he'd failed to see the signs. Seeing them arrive like that, together, he'd incorrectly assumed that they were what Carlisle and Esme were. That had been his first wrong turn.
Then, there was Jasper himself. All of the signs had been there, all of the signals. But he had overlooked them, hadn't seen them for what they were.
He's an idiot. An idiot who has lost out on everything in life, and when he was given a second chance he didn't try to correct the mistakes he'd made in life. Now, he was regretting them, and the pain was searing through him; burning the remains of his heart.
Bella leaves him alone mostly now, all of them do, but Edward hardly notices. He's too lost in himself, looking at all of his mistakes, to realize that everyone else is gradually leaving him behind. And the woman, the woman who he thought that he'd loved, she still believes that he loves her, it's there in her face and in her manner; she silently tries to comfort him, trying to show that they will make it through this trial, but she doesn't realize that he doesn't need her hand anymore, her comfort.
He doesn't want to forgive himself. He wants to be destroyed, he deserves it, more then anything, he deserves that. Everything that he's ever needed, wanted, he's lost; he's lost what was really worth fighting for. It's gone, and he won't be able to get it back.
The thought occurs to him, would Jasper know if he were to be destroyed? Would the older vampire feel the pain, the ache, the wrenching feeling of having your heart torn out if he were to be wiped off the face of the earth? There's a feeling in his heart, it's not quite happiness, but it makes him feel a little better that his destruction would affect Jasper as much as his leaving has affected Edward.
Because, really, there's truth when they say that you don't realize what you have until it's gone. Edward sees the truth in that now, he now knows why his heart was in turmoil until Jasper was there, and then a peace settled in, a peace which is gone now; gone since Jasper is gone now. His false beliefs that he'd mustered to try and explain away all of the feelings that the older vampire caused in him; he'd chalked them up to Jasper's ability to manipulate and control the emotions of those around him.
He'd never thought that they were his own creation, that they were actually his own.
Now everything fits into place.
And he wishes, that, before the end, he could see Jasper one more time. He wishes that he could, just once, feel those lips against his own.
But he knows that's not possible, Jasper's gone, not coming back. He drove him away and there's no reversing what's done.
He just wants it all to end.
Yet more angst from the angst muses, they've been really active lately, and I'm not too sure whether that is or isn't a good thing. Guess I'll let you, the readers, decide. Gah, leg has fallen asleep... I still have Chem homework to do too... bad me.