I do not own YuGiOh. Everyone die of shock now!! And once more: YAOI WARNING. Don't read if you're squeamish about Yami and Kaiba getting freaky.


The sheets were terribly tangled around limbs that were in turn tangled around each other in seemingly impossible ways. The blankets rose and fell with the aide of the breathing figures beneath, and fingers danced along spines and through locks of hair. The sheets were silken, and mattress luxuriously huge, large enough that four people could have slept there with plenty of space for their personal bubbles, and two tangled boys were nigh lost in the expanse of displaced bedclothes. The decor around them was equally marvelous, full of intricate details and all sorts of brilliant shades of blue. None of it could be found anywhere else, each piece made by hand to the owner's specification by the finest craftsmen up for hire. Seto Kaiba's bedroom was truly fantastic. And no one had spent more time admiring that fact than Yugi Motou's alter ego; the pharaoh known as Yami.

Yami had been sleeping, but he stirred as Kaiba's hand stroked his cheek, the lightly calloused palm was a pleasant and familiar sensation by now. His violet eyes perused Kaiba's face softly, over the tousled hair and still lightly flushed cheeks. His roaming gaze settled on the ice-blue irises that were looking gently back at him, their sight steady and uncontrollably full of emotion. It was still un-nerving on occasion, to look back into that gaze and think that it was Kaiba looking at him like that, to think back on all the time he had spent under a glare from those same eyes, the times they had stared each other down in a match of wills rather than simply for the pleasure of looking at each other. But having spent so much time staring at each other already, it had almost naturally come into place once they started sleeping together that they would just…keep looking.

"You are so sexy." Yami said, sliding forward to lean against his shoulder.

"I know." Typical Seto.

Yami rolled his eyes. "Jackass. Would it kill you send a compliment back?"

Seto raised his eyebrows. "I'm no liar, Yami."

Yami scoffed and shook his head, some of his ridiculously styled hair brushing Seto's cheek.

Seto spoke again, his hot breath caressing Yami's earlobe. "You are positive Yugi isn't…awake in there, right?"

Yami chuckled. "Yeah, over the years we've gotten pretty adept at closing ourselves off and ignoring the other. I mean, we're closer than peanut butter and jelly but any man needs some alone time, you know?"

"Eww, please never put a mental image like that of Yugi in my head ever again." Seto said, wincing.

Yami laughed again, and kissed Seto's neck. "The point is; he's fast asleep right now. As far as he knows I came here, had a quick dinner and went home. I promise."

"I wish he didn't even know as much as that."

"I could have never kept it from him, can you imagine if he just happened to wake up in the middle of us sucking face? He'd have thrown a fit. This way he knows to stay put until I tell him otherwise. He'll keep your secret."

Seto grumbled his uncertainty, but kept his silence, and merely held Yami a little closer. They lay there for a while, basking in the afterglow, and just as Seto drew a breath to say something more the door was suddenly burst open. Yami was partway through crying out in surprise when a pillow was suddenly smashed into his face and he was sent crashing back down to the mattress with one powerful push. He felt Seto prop himself up on one arm, blocking Yami's form from view of the door.

"Mokuba, what're you doing? Why didn't you knock?" He heard Seto say.

"What're you talking about?" Mokuba replied, confusedly. "I never knock."

Seto grumbled something sarcastic too softly for Mokuba to make out, but Yami caught the main gist and suppressed a chuckle. Before Mokuba could ask about it, Seto said to him directly; "Isn't a little late for you to be up?"

"I had a nightmare."

"You're thirteen."

"Nightmares happen to teenagers too, y'know." Yami could just see the little hurt pout Mokuba would have been putting on just about then. Seto Kaiba could give a rat's ass about anyone else's feelings, but Mokuba had him wrapped around his finger when it came to getting sympathy and attention when he wanted it. Seto sighed, his posture was rigid with uncertainty; he couldn't very well send Mokuba off without so much as a hug, but he could neither get up and reveal his state of undress nor have Mokuba come over and risk him seeing Yami.

"Well…err…" Seto mumbled. "You could…uh…sleep on the sofa if you want."

Mokuba's lower lip trembled. "The sofa?"

"What did you have in mind?" As if he didn't know.

"I was kind of hoping…I could sleep in your bed."

"That might not…be the best idea right now."

"Why not? It was really scary Seto, I…I dreamt we were back in the orphanage…but this time Gozoboro only adopted you and I was left all alone…"

'Smoothly played.' Yami thought, knowing Mokuba could have just as well woken up with a kink in his shoulder and wanted to sleep in the more luxurious bed. But Mokuba was a sly one, and had become something of a spoiled brat after spending so many years getting whatever he wanted from his older brother, he knew no shame when it came to continuing that tradition.

Seto was practically shaking from the stress of making the decision between maintaining his appearance and his brother's innocence and following his usual path and giving Mokuba all he asked for. He was a good brother, no one could fault him there, but his habits concerning Mokuba had led to quite a pickle.

"Mokuba, I'm really sorry, it's just that…right now…right now I kind of need some alone time."

"I just wanna know you're nearby…"

"Please big brother Seto? I love you so much." Yami added quietly into Seto's shoulder. His lover jerked his shoulder back into his jaw in response. Yami sucked back his yelp of pain and sullenly nursed a bitten lip.

"Fine, Mokuba, you can stay here but only for a little while. Once you calm down its back to your room, alright?" Seto said finally, and Yami looked up in shock. "Just…wait outside for one second, ok?"

"Kay!" Mokuba chirped, and stepped into the hall.

"Hide." Seto hissed, and fumbled under the covers for his pants. Yami spent the next fifteen seconds while Seto re-clothed himself in a panicked stupidity that left him motionless until Seto pushed him towards the opposite side of the bed and he had just scrambled onto the floor when Mokuba peeked his head back in and asked; "Can I come in yet?"

"Yeah, come on."

Mokuba leapt onto the bed and into his brother's lap with one great bound, and then snuggled against Seto's still-bare chest with a contented smile plastered on his face. Yami admired his style; it had taken him a good deal longer to get in Seto's bed. Seto's expression was drawn and half-panicked, his eyes flickering to Yami's hiding spot every few seconds, while his little brother sat cluelessly (or perhaps he just didn't care) curled in Seto's arms with his ridiculously happy grin consistently up. After a few tense minutes Seto let out a long sigh and leaned back against the mountain of pillows behind him, patted Mokuba's head and forced himself to relax; Mokuba was half-asleep anyway—they were perfectly safe. He closed his own eyes for a second, resting one hand on the back of Mokuba's head and the other over his waist. Yami peaked over the edge of the bed, watching the display amusedly. He liked watching Seto like this; at his most vulnerable, it was all he could do to refrain from squealing with adoration at the sight—that or teasing Kaiba mercilessly.

After fifteen minutes in that fashion Seto nudged Mokuba and asked; "You ready to go back to your room?"

Mokuba let out the most pitiful whimper Yami had ever heard and clung to Seto's shoulders.

Seto sighed. "Ok…"

Yami snickered at Seto's lack of resolve, making the billionaire look over at him with a horrified expression so ridiculous Yami could hardly keep from laughing again as he ducked back behind the bed.

"Come on, Mokuba, time to go." Seto said, sitting up again and coaxing Mokuba off his lap.

"I don't wanna…" Mokuba whined.

"Mokuba, none of that. You'll be just across the hall. You're perfectly safe." Seto said gently, and then sighed as Mokuba merely looked back at him with big, watery puppy eyes. "Here," he said, reaching over to his bedside table and drawing a card from his deck. "Keep it under your pillow."

Mokuba grinned broadly. "Ok, Seto."

Yami peered over the bed again and watched through the doorway as Seto led Mokuba across the hall to his own bedroom, tucking him under his covers and leaning over to give him a good-night hug, to which Mokuba responded with a kiss on what Yami assumed was Kaiba's cheek, though with the look Seto gave Mokuba afterwards he wasn't positive. By the time Seto was back in his own room Yami was back in the bed, smirking at Seto playfully.

"So, when were you gonna tell me there was another man in your life?" Yami said as Seto dropped back onto the bed with a heavy sigh.

"Drop it, Yami, you know Mokuba's clingy."

"Maybe if you stopped clinging back…but hey, I understand if I can't satisfy your need for someone related to you and, you know, a kid."

"Oh, right, so need I bring up that I'm not the one who lives inside a young boy's body."

"Need I bring up that you're the one screwing that same body on a regular basis?" Yami replied, moving to straddle Seto's hips.

Seto grimaced and pushed Yami off. "So do you want me to be too repulsed to ever sleep with you again?"

"Oh like you could keep away."

Seto scoffed. "What makes you think you're so great?"

Yami raised his eyebrows. "Do I need to remind you?"

Seto grinned devilishly back. "I think you might."

"Well then, Seto Kaiba, it's time to duel…between the sheets."

"You are such a dork."

Whatever other bickering that might have started was lost as Yami tackled Seto and they were tangled once more.

An hour or so later they lay together calmly again, panting softly and glistening lightly from sweat. The sheets were ridiculously twisted barely even covering them and mostly falling off the bed, while they themselves were perched on the edge, having almost tumbled off themselves during their indulgence.

"Well, Yami," Kaiba said with a kiss on Yami's forehead. "You may be the king of games, but I think you have to concede that I am king of the bedroom."

Yami propped himself up on one arm, looking down at Seto incredulously. "Oh really?"

"Don't pretend like you don't agree. I heard you moaning."

"Oh right, cause you weren't just as loud."

"Certainly not. I am a man of ice, it takes more than that to make me lose that precise control."

"I see, so I guess I'm just not good enough for you then?"

"I'll just have to make do." Kaiba said, putting an arm around Yami.

"No, no, you deserve only the best." Yami replied, pulling away. "I'll just have to accept that you don't want me. Also, you're an asshole."

"Well fine then." Seto said, sitting up and folding his arms. "I don't need you anyway."

"Fine. I'm leaving."

"To go where?"

"To my room."

"To your--? Oh, no…no, Yami don't you—"

But Yami had already closed his eyes and with a deep sigh, slouched back against the pillows with a mischievous grin on his face. There was an excruciatingly long second of stillness, as Seto watched uncertain of what the best (no, really he was just trying to avoid the worst) option was. But in the next moment, Yami suddenly gasped and sat bolt upright. With Seto staring on in horror the purple-eyed man scanned his room slowly, confusedly and finally settled on Seto with wide-eyed shock…which quickly changed to sheer terror. Seto and Yugi both screamed shrilly and tumbled to the ends of the bed where each of them froze, looked down at their scarcely-covered waists and back at their un-welcome bedmate.

Seto cleared his throat, looked across the room at his dresser and tousled and discarded clothing, back at Yugi (whom was trembling and looked on the verge of tears), down to his hips again, pulled the covered further up his waist, and then apologetically back at Yugi again.

"Yugi," Kaiba said, very slowly. "You need to go get Yami. Right. Now."

"You think I'm not trying!" Yugi, conversely, was in a panicked frenzy and his words came out a jumbled torrent. "He locked his door!"

Kaiba rubbed his forehead tensely, trying to retain his calm. "Well…this is just a little too awkward. One of us is going to have to leave."

"I had nothing to do with this mess! You should leave!"

"This is my bed."

Yugi's eye twitched. "I…I know it is. But I really need a second alone here."

"I'm not getting up! I'm naked!"

"So? I'm naked too!" Yugi went pale, finally grasping what he had been trying very hard to ignore. "…Ohhhhh god…why am I naked!? Why are YOU naked!? Why are WE naked!? In bed! YOUR bed! TOGETHER!"

"Listen, Yugi…" Kaiba started, shifting uncomfortably, feeling rather strangely like the first time he had been forced to have 'the talk' with Mokuba. Only a thousand times worse. "Yami and I are…in love…and when two older people love each other they…well…I mean we…"


Kaiba flinched. "Yes…I know…"


"Oh for fuck's sake." Kaiba growled. "I don't have to put up with this shit. You'll wake up Mokuba if you don't keep it down. And besides; you should be fucking honored that your body slept with someone of my greatness."

"Yami SWORE you two would only kiss AT MOST. And…and you've been…been…GAH!! I'm STRAIGHT. And I lost it to…to…to a MAN!!"

"You weren't even conscious!" Kaiba snapped. "It doesn't count!"

"My aching ASS says otherwise! I could have you ARRESTED."

"You could not."

"I could too! This is pedophilia!"

"I'm fucking wealthy, you could not."

Yugi stopped and stared tearfully at Kaiba for a moment, as Seto stared icily back, severely un-amused and pissed off by the unwelcome intrusion to his evening, not in the slightest bit sympathetic to Yugi's crisis.

"…you really think it doesn't count?" Yugi whimpered.

"Of course not. It's all a mental game. You were perfectly shut off. Either way you're a fucking man, all this drama over the situation is un-becoming. You should have lost it years ago anyway."

Yugi gasped, offended. "I'm…I'm saving it for the right—"

"Yeah, yeah I'm sure. Are you gonna get up or not?"

"But I'm—"

"Yeah, but I've seen it. Only better. Trust me, I won't look."

Yugi glanced around the bedroom. "Where are my pants?"

Seto paused and pursed his lips in thought, retracing the last few hours until finally he swore emphatically and covered his face with one hand while pointing upwards with the other. Yugi followed the path of his finger to the ceiling fan, from which his pants were hanging limply.

"Oh." He said meekly.


"I feel a little nauseas."

"Me too…meeeee too." Kaiba sighed. "Fuck it. Get Yami out here."

"I don't think I—"

"Get him out here, now."

Yugi squeaked in fright and then closed his eyes and his eyebrows scrunched together in concentration. Kaiba waited, impatiently tapping his fingers on the bed-sheets until Yugi started giggling softly, and then chuckling and finally he was face-down in the pillows muffling torrents of raucous laughter as he pounded his fist on the mattress in his exuberance.

"Oh Yami, you have no idea how not funny this situation is about to get." Kaiba growled.

Yami tamed his laughter and looked up at Kaiba with an expression quivering in the attempt to control himself. "You have to admit, I made my point."

"That was so unnecessary." Kaiba crawled over to his side, kneeling next to Yami as the pharaoh propped himself up on his elbows and grinned widely. "And what about poor Yugi's mind?"

Yami shrugged. "If he doesn't suppress the memory, I will. I've gotten good at fixing his brain when I accidentally break it."

"How many people has he caught you sleeping with…?"

"Not many…just Joey, Tea, Duke, that one announcer guy from duelist kingdom…"

"Oh, god. NOT funny." Kaiba gagged and grimaced.

Yami raised his eyebrows. "What makes you think I'm kidding?"

"Oh come on…Tea? Even if you weren't so damn gay I have higher expectations from you."

Yami chuckled and sat up to slip into Kaiba's lap, his arms around his neck. "Naw, you're my first in a long time…since I had my own body…"

Kaiba felt his cheeks flushing and the blood rush to other parts as well. Yami was smiling devilishly, his fingers tracing the lines of his shoulders.

"How many people have you slept with Seto?" Yami asked.

Seto scoffed. "No one you associate with, I have higher standards than to rut with those mutts."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh come on, Yami, you know me better, you're not honestly offended are you?"

Yami started to move away. "No, no not at all…"

Seto caught his wrist. "Then don't go. Stay here." He pulled him close, breathing hot on Yami's neck. "Don't tease me."

"You're lucky you're so damn sexy." Yami said, and then for the third time that night the sheets were tossed recklessly and the two of them were entangled once more.

- - -

The next morning they woke slowly. Mokuba was already up and gone, having been told by Seto already that he would be sleeping in and not to disturb him. And thankfully for once Mokuba had listened to his brother when told to stay away. Yami rolled over and murmured his disapproval of the sunlight leaking in through the seams in the curtains, as Kaiba got up and dressed. Yami eventually forced himself to sit up and looked around the room groggily. He watched Seto pull on a pair of pants and smiled when he remained shirtless, indulging himself with a long stare at the lean muscles on Kaiba's shoulders and back. When his lover turned around he stood and met him with a kiss.

"Now…how are we going to get you dressed again?" Kaiba teased. "Your pants have got themselves into something of a predicament."

Yami shrugged. "I'll just go naked all day."

"You are NOT leaving my house naked. I can quiet any rumors of overnight trysts that might be accidentally guessed, but not if you show off the leftover's of our evening to the whole damn world."

"Then I'll wear a pair of your pants."

"You'd trip." Kaiba kept his face dead-pan, and Yami was not amused. "Or you'd have to cuff them—which would be equally dreadful."

"Since when are you the fashion police?"

"Gotta keep up appearances you know."

"How the hell DO you keep people from knowing you're gay?"

"Shut up." Kaiba leaned in, his hands gripping entirely inappropriate places. "I'll give you something useful to do with that mouth…"

Yami pulled away, and made a show of focusing on getting his pants down. Kaiba watched him with a smirk as he tried several unsuccessful tactics, from jumping on the bed to stacking pillows to finally throwing the pillow at the fan until the pants came dislodged and fell to the bed where he snatched them up and began sliding them on as provocatively as he could manage.

"About time." Kaiba muttered.

Yami paused. "Time…shit, what time is it?"

Kaiba raised his eyebrows and looked at the clock on his dresser. "Two, why?"

"Oh….ohhhhh shit. It IS Monday isn't it?"

"Yeah Wh—ooooh. Well, I mean, he skips school all the time for card games anyway, right? No big deal."

"It's finals week."

"Oh. Fuck."

Yami sat heavily on the bed. "He's gonna kill me."

"May as well stay here all day now," Kaiba said, sitting beside him. "He wont get anything out of you going."

"I gotta face the music sooner or later. I'll see you next weekend."

"It's going to be a long week."

They kissed quickly and then headed down the back stairway to Kaiba's side entry, where before opening the door Kaiba caught his wrist and invaded Yami's mouth with his tongue before pulling back and smiling.

"But I did prove my point, didn't I? I am the master of the bedroom." Kaiba said.

Yami scoffed. "You wish."

"Hey, I'm just saying my ass is going to be a lot less sore later." Kaiba put his hands up defensively, smirking.

Yami rolled his eyes and opened the door. "You're such a prick."

"Hey, give me a kiss."

"You've got plenty already."

"You know you want 'em just as much as I do. If not more."

Yami folded his arms and glowered at Kaiba, who merely smirked back. They kept up the staring contest until Yami finally dropped his arms sighed and walked up slowly.

"Fine, just one…"

Kaiba accepted the kiss graciously, placing one arm around his back and the other to the side of his face. But mid-kiss he suddenly needed to lean down further and something seemed—

He realized and jumped back with an explosive curse just as Yugi was flailing to smack him away. Yugi stared in horror at Kaiba for one horribly tense moment and then ran screaming from the house. Kaiba stood in the doorway glaring after him, and just as he reached the end of the path to the gate of Kaiba's yard he paused, grew a foot or so and turned back with a wicked smile to wave goodbye. Kaiba's flipped him the finger and then turned and slammed the door behind him.

All in all, things hadn't gone so badly. There'd been worse.

Hey all, this is my first return to crack humor since my "Ask Sakura" fic. I hope you find it amusing. I was really missing the ridiculous humor I had in large quantities during the year of writing AS and decided I needed to delve into again. Hopefully you will see more where this came from.

So yeah, I just wanted to write something ridiculous and nonsensical and my sister and I always cracked jokes about how Yami would totally switch out with Yugi if he was mad at Kaiba and they were in a kissing situation. Also, Mokuba is totally incestuous for his brother. It's just incest, people, calm down.

Anywho, thanks for reading, please leave me a review, just so I know you came by and I can thank you!

Much love