A/N: So, I'm almost done with the next updates for What is This? and GTGA and at least one of them will be out by this weekend.
This entire story is one long vent session for me in parody form. I wrote it up in one sitting, but its been sitting around since I haven't written a parody before and am just a little bit nervous. Thanks to Michelerene who gave me the courage to post.
Oh, and if anybody does read this and think that I'm picking on them or their story specifically, don't. I'm just using Sasuke and Naruto as examples here, but it could have been any fic on any fandom and genre that inspired this. There's hundreds of thousands of stories out there, and I'm not picking on any single one.
Chest wheezing, thirteen year-old Naruto Uzumaki runs through the Village of Konoha on his way to the hospital. By the time he arrives, he has been hit with rotten eggs and various expired produce flung by the villagers who taunt him and hate him beyond measure.
Smelling like a garbage dump, Naruto grimaces as he enters the building. 'Why didn't I just jump along the roofs and come in through the window? Or any other thing I could have done to avoid being pelted by rotting vegetation? Am I really a ninja?' Inwardly shrugging, he planted a humongous smile on his face and ran into Sakura.
"Hey, Sakura-chan! Is it true that Sasuke is back?" Before he can ask any more questions, he is punched so hard that his body is slammed into the opposite wall. Coughing up blood he looks up at his pink haired friend.
"Naruto! Don't be an idiot. Of course my Sasuke-kun is back. He is in the room down the hall, over there, somewhere. I'm leaving now so don't you bother him or do anything stupid or even breathe near him till I get back!" With a toss of her head, the girl stomped her way out of the hospital. Nobody bothered to tell her to be quiet around patients.
Naruto morosely contemplated all the woe that is him. For a second. Then got back up and proceeded down the hall, dodging a scalpel thrown at him by a passing nurse, to visit the prodigal prodigy.
Stepping through the unguarded door, the blond haired ninja took in the sight of his long lost rival and secret crush.
Sasuke Uchiha was lying on the hospital bed wrapped in bandages with a scowl on his face.
"What do you want, dobe?"
Naruto's heart was crushed, how could Sasuke, his Sasuke, who had ridiculed and tried to kill him the last time they saw each other not be delighted to see him now? What is this world coming too? Oh well.
"Hey, bastard, welcome back! I always knew you wouldn't stay with that creepy snake bastard for long."
Naruto's very fake smile dropped as he saw the tears glisten in the Avenger's shining dark eyes. "What's wrong, Sasuke?"
"I can't tell you."
"Sure you can!"
"No, you'll hate me!"
"Dude, you tried to kill me and I still think you're a friend, despite no act of contrition on your part. What could possibly make me hate you?"
Sasuke's lower lip trembled before he cried out, "I was raped!"
"Oh, by Orochimaru? He does seem like a creepy pedophile."
"Well, yeah, him. That was a given. But also by Kabuto, and this girl Karin, and snakes too."
"You were raped by snakes? Seriously?"
"Yes, it was awful!"
Naruto put on his best sympathetic expression. "I'm so sorry, Sasuke. That sounds horrible."
"Save your pity, I don't need it. What would you know about pain?"
Now, it was Naruto's turn to have his eyes glisten. "Actually, I do know how you feel. I've been raped, too."
Sasuke pulled his head up from behind the pillow he had been hiding behind. "Really? By who?"
The blond thought about it for a moment, making gestures with his fingers as though counting things off in his head. "Do you want the names or just the number of people?"
"That many?! What have you done about it?"
Utterly confused, Naruto replied, "What do you mean?"
"Well, have you reported this to the Hokage? She likes you, right?"
"Tsunade-baa-chan? Yeah, she loves me, but, I couldn't say anything to her. They told me that if I did, they'd hurt the villagers."
"So, it's enemy ninjas who've done this to you?"
"Of course not! I'd never let an enemy rape me. Unless it was Itachi or Orochimaru, cause that seems popular."
Sasuke choked, "What?"
"So, if it's not an enemy, who's raping you?"
"Oh! Other villagers." Naruto thought about it for a moment then nodded his head. "Yeah, pretty much any non-shinobi male. Though, sometimes I get ANBU too."
Sasuke hopped out of bed and looked out the door and called over a passing doctor. "Hey, have you raped Naruto?"
The doctor smiled and nodded amiably. "Sure have."
"How could you?" The raven was aghast.
"Why not? Everybody's doing It. Literally."
"You can't do that!"
"And what are you going to do to stop me?"
"I'm going to glare at you, ineffectually." Sasuke glared, ineffectually.
"Right. Well, if that's all, I have other young boys to molest…err, patients to see."
Sasuke sighed, there was nothing he could do. "Fine, carry on."
"Ta ta" and with a jaunty wave, the doctor was gone.
Naruto cried and sat on the bed. "See what I mean?"
Sasuke shook his head. "No, not really. Villagers are raping you and you're not doing anything about it because they might hurt other villagers. Did I get that right?"
"Yep, that about sums it up."
"So, under those circumstances, if you won't defend yourself and you won't report them, why don't you just leave this village?"
"I love this village!"
"You love a village that subjects you to wholesale physical and sexual abuse?" Sasuke deadpanned.
"Hey, it's not like you haven't been raped, so don't get all preachy with me!"
"I killed those bastards and came back here. "
"…oh. Moving on."
"How long has this been going on?"
"Since I was three."
"Well, that's as far back as I can remember."
"Didn't you have anybody taking care of you when you were little?"
"Of course! There was this really nice lady for awhile, but her husband was selling me to the neighbors while she would be out back gardening. Sometimes they didn't rape me, they'd just beat me and that was pretty bad too."
"Naruto, why are you so hated?"
"Sasuke, I'll tell you only because I trust you so much. There's nobody else I would trust as much as you, I don't know why, I just do. I have the Kyuubi inside me, so everyone thinks I'm a demon."
This type of revelation would of course require reflection. Well, for anyone but Sasuke of course. "How come you've always seemed so happy?"
Naruto shrugged. "It's my mask. I'm really miserable - and a genius - , but I put on this mask so that they don't know that they're hurting me. This whole orange-wearing-happy-idiot-prankster behavior is just a mask I use to protect myself."
Sasuke just blinked for a moment then stared at the blond. And then stared some more.
"So, to protect yourself from a village that hates you, you wear bright colors and perform pranks that just gather attention."
"Well, when you put it like that, it seems kinda dumb."
Sasuke nodded his head soberly. Naruto started crying. "Oh, I should just kill myself."
Sasuke suddenly felt as though his whole world shattered. "No! You can't do that."
Sniffling, Naruto asked, "Why not?"
"Because I love you! Just like that. Inexplicably."
"Oh Sasuke! I love you too." They kissed, and the Earth moved and the birds sang and they knew that this was true love. A love like no other. A love that only two barely teenage boys can understand.
Naruto pulled away, his face covered in saliva, his eyes glazed with lust and love and possibly a fever. "Should we have sex now?"
"What?! After everything we've been through, don't you think that is going way too fast?"
"Nah. You didn't even have to tell me you loved me yet. You could have violently raped me and then told me later that you had always loved me or just grew to love me, then everything would have been alright."
"So," Naruto waggled his eyebrows, "wanna do it?"
"No way. From the amount of cock you've been taking, I'm not touching you till you've been tested and cleared of every venereal disease out there."
Naruto just waved away his concern. "You don't have to worry about that, Kyuubi heals all of that. Hey, he can even get me pregnant so you don't have to worry about who you are going to revive your clan with."
"Are you sure?" Sasuke couldn't suppress the hope swelling in his chest. Or maybe it was gas, he wasn't sure.
"Definitely. Hell, I've lost track of the number of times I've been pregnant."
"You've been pregnant before? Where are your babies?"
"I kept miscarrying them. It was so sad, but Kakashi-sensei was there to make me feel better. But don't worry, I'm sure nothing bad would happen to your babies."
"I'm sorry, I think my brain just exploded. Kakashi-sensei knew about your pregnancies and has helped you through miscarriages, but has done nothing to stop the abuse that you have been going through."
"Yeah. Where else would the drama be?"
"Well, of course. How can someone have a tragic past if they haven't been constantly raped and abused and nobody cares enough to help?"
"I guess with the Kyuubi, you would have always had some faction that did not trust you and would possibly blame you for actions you had no control over. Even if you hadn't been physically abused, neglect and distrust can have a profound effect on a growing mind. Overcoming said hardships and earning the goodwill of those who once snubbed you, proving that you are more than the label that was thrust upon you, would be interesting and dramatic to me."
Naruto just shook his head and patted Sasuke on the back. "I don't know what you're talking about. There's no way that my life could be Dramatic and Angst ridden if I did not have a truly horrendous past."
Sasuke went to argue but Naruto cut him off. "Don't worry, now that you're here I can be healed with the power of Love. Therapy? Ha! Who needs that? Nothing bad will happen to me again. Except for when you turn your back."
And so, months later, after a beautiful wedding where Naruto wore a white dress - cause if you're gay, of course one of you will wear a dress. It's not like two men in a relationship can both be Men – Naruto gave birth to a bunch of babies out of his anus, all of which had fox ears and several tails. All the men embraced their homosexuality and realized that they truly hated those evil slutty things known as females and everyone lived happily ever after. Until their children are raped, because that is Drama.