Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Naruto characters. I also didn't come up with any of the bad pick-up lines in this fic. They're all honest-to-god actual pick-up lines that have been used, sometimes even with success. (Be very afraid.) All lines are taken from 'The Most Complete and Most Useless Collection of Pick-Up Lines' (link can be found through my profile on either my LJ or my website).
Summary: Sasuke finally meets his greatest enemy: the singles bar. Faced with fangirls, fanboys, and bad pick-up lines, only Naruto can save him from this unstoppable terror. Naruto/Sasuke or Sasuke/Naruto, whichever.
Author's Note: For great silliness!
Pick Me Up
Naruto glared at his companion.
Sasuke didn't even have the decency to glare back. Instead, he was hunched over on himself as he sat at the bar, eyes darting around nervously like a scared rabbit that had just sensed a pack of wolves in the area.
Naruto glared at him harder, just for good measure. "Look, bastard, I know you didn't want to come to this place, but we need to scope out the locals." Naruto cast a look around them before delivering that last line. The Grass Country was technically Konoha's ally, but ninja instincts demanded that he keep his identity and allegiance secret at all costs. Thankfully, no one was listening, and the bartender was at the far end of the bar, so Naruto could yell at Sasuke for being a jerk all he wanted. "If we want the inside story on why everyone is so freaked out to enter Dragon's Pass, then a bar like this is the best place to overhear something."
Sasuke took a momentary break from trying to scrunch so far inward on himself that he ceased to exist. "Idiot."
Naruto glared, but it was a happy kind of glare now. He was pretty good at holding one-sided conversations with Sasuke, but he needed the occasional one-word snide remark in reply, just to keep things interesting. "If you hate it so much, you can always do recon with Sakura-chan instead."
Sasuke shuddered. Sakura was scoping out the gossip at the local beauty salons.
"Hey, maybe you could get something done about that duck's butt you call a haircut," Naruto added with a mischievous grin.
Sasuke scowled at him and turned back to his bottle of water. Naruto sighed wearily. Sasuke wasn't even drinking; he was that much of a stick-in-the-mud.
Naruto eagerly took another sip of his sake. If Sasuke was going to be like this all evening, he was going to need it.
Sasuke's eyes were darting around nervously again, and he looked about ready to bolt.
"What's your problem anyway, hey, asshole?" Naruto scratched his head. "Did you set fire to this village once or something?" It was always hard to tell with Sasuke, after his mid-teen crisis with Sound and Akatsuki.
Sasuke glared at him. "This is a singles bar," he said with a disdainful curve of his lip.
"So?" It was actually pretty nice for a bar, not tacky at all. They'd had to go to some real dives on missions in the past, so Naruto didn't know what Sasuke's big deal was this time.
"Just you wait," Sasuke said morosely.
Naruto was confused, but at that very moment the laws of the universe swooped in to answer Naruto's unspoken question.
"Hey," a sultry feminine voice broke into their conversation from behind Sasuke. "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
Naruto blinked in disbelief at the pretty dark-haired girl who had sidled up to Sasuke and was all but shoving her breasts into his face.
Sasuke graced her with the most cold-hearted sneer in his repertoire. "I'm wearing sandals." He managed to inflict the last word with the same disgust that he had that one time when one of Sakura's slug summons had gotten into his bento box.
The woman's smile fell, and she turned her back to him with a little huff before stalking off.
Naruto frowned and watched her ass go. "Hey, bastard, she was pretty hot. Did you have to be such a jerk?"
Sasuke, surprisingly, just winced in response. "You have no clue what we're in for, dead last. That was just the start…"
Sasuke's tone sent a shiver up Naruto's spine. There were very few things in the world that scared Sasuke, but now there was a hint of terror in his voice. Now that Naruto had had it pointed out to him, he could also sense the vultures circling, preparing to dive in on fresh meat.
The first to move in for the kill was a middle-aged member of the noble class. He wasn't bad-looking, Naruto supposed, but his hair was starting to thin right around the temples.
"Well, here I am," the man announced in a superior tone, curling his fingers around Sasuke's wrist. "What were your other two wishes?" He leered in a horribly intrusive way, grinning toothily as he looked Sasuke's body up and down.
Naruto coughed. That was just creepy. He'd thought that Sasuke was arrogant, but Sasuke had nothing on this guy.
Sasuke just turned to the man impassively. "One: Leave," he answered coolly. "And two: Don't come back."
The man's lascivious leer faded, and he turned up his nose on them both. "It's not like you were even that hot to begin with," he said snootily before strutting off.
Naruto blinked. "Can you believe that guy?"
"If he's the worst, I'll be lucky…"
Naruto would have thought that, now that Sasuke had thoroughly and visibly turned down reasonably viable options from both sexes, the rest of the bar's patrons would have the sense to leave Sasuke alone. If anything, however, the assault increased in intensity. Everyone loved a challenge.
"Do you have a map?" a Kusa chuunin, who should have sensed the danger, leaned her hip against the bar inches away from Sasuke's face. "Because I just keep on getting lost in your eyes."
"No, but I can give you great directions to the exit." Sasuke scowled.
The chuunin shrugged and eyed another tasty morsel further down the bar.
"She's a serial flirt." Sasuke shuddered. "They know the worst pick-up lines."
Naruto scratched his head. He didn't know quite what to make of all this. Sasuke was obviously being a jerk, but these people who were trying to pick him up were obviously crazy, too. "Whatever, bastard," he finally shrugged it off. "Some of us would actually welcome the opportunity to get laid."
A blonde chose that moment to all but flounce onto Sasuke's back; it was frighteningly reminiscent of Ino's fangirl days. "Don't worry about it," the woman giggled. "Nothing that you've ever done before counts. The only thing that matters is that we're together."
Sasuke gave her a singularly unimpressed look. "Don't worry about it," he mocked back at her. "That lame line you tried on me doesn't count. The only thing that matters is that you leave me alone."
The woman frowned like this rejection had never occurred to her. She turned a curious glance toward Naruto for a moment…
"And you leave him alone, too," Sasuke hissed.
"All right, all right!" the blonde said, wide-eyed. "Sorry…"
Naruto glared at Sasuke when she was gone. "What did I just say about how some people actually want to get laid?"
Sasuke fixed him with a level glance and took another sip of his water. "You would have gone for a line like that?" he said, sounding amazed to discover that his opinion of Naruto could sink any lower than it already had.
Naruto crossed his arms over his chest. "Whatever, jerk. Why can't you just be polite and say you're not interested? It's because you're a jerk, that's why."
Sasuke blinked. "You just called me a jerk twice…"
"Jerk," Naruto repeated for good measure.
"You want me to be polite?" Sasuke snorted. "Fine. But remember: you asked for it."
At that moment a rather suave-looking young man with pale blue hair slipped onto the barstool to Sasuke's right. He took a moment to appreciate the scenery and then flashed open his wallet. "Here's my diploma as a connoisseur of fine arts. And, baby, you are a masterpiece."
Sasuke gave him a smile so fake and sweet that it almost looked psychotic. "I'm sorry, sir," he said in a voice that was probably supposed to be a mockery of what he thought a 'nice guy' sounded like, "but I'm not interested."
The man's grinned widened. "That's too bad, because if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call fine print."
"I'm sorry," Sasuke repeated in that pedantic voice, "but I'm not interested." He shot a glare over towards Naruto as if to prove his point.
Naruto stuck his tongue out in response.
The man continued to press his suit, "If beauty were starlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, bastard. Just do it."
Sasuke gave him a wicked smirk in response and turned back to his latest suitor. "Starlight, huh?" he considered. "Then it would take me a million years to touch you. Sounds about right." He spun his stool to deliberately turn his back on the sputtering man.
"Your friend's a dick," the guy shot in Naruto's direction before stalking off.
"Believe me, I know," Naruto called after him.
Sasuke gave Naruto his best homicidal scowl.
"Whatever, dick," Naruto teased. "And, hey, at least that was kind of funny that time, how you got him back."
Sasuke's expression softened into a rather perplexed look. "You think I'm funny?"
"Well, funny for you, I suppose." Naruto downed the rest of his sake. "It's hard not to appreciate a good prank, you know?"
Sasuke's gaze flickered down to the bar, and he didn't say a thing for a minute.
Naruto shrugged. He should've known that Sasuke would be weird and couldn't accept a compliment.
The vultures in the singles bar didn't respect Sasuke's weirdness at all, of course. "So," a young man in an impeccable business suit asked, "what time do you have to be back in heaven?"
"Just as soon as I'm done spreading God's message of celibacy," Sasuke shot back dryly.
Naruto couldn't help it; he chuckled as the man shrugged it off and went in search of fresh meat.
Sasuke looked at Naruto with an expression Naruto couldn't quite figure out, before turning to his next admirer with something approaching a genuine smile on his face for the first time that evening.
"Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night," the woman, who really should have been old enough to know better, fluttered her eyelashes at him.
"You know, they are…" Sasuke said thoughtfully, "from running in the other direction."
Naruto snickered as she walked haughtily off.
"So, what do you like to do for fun?" a guy with a shaved head and a muscle shirt loomed in Sasuke's direction.
"Eviscerate people who try to use lame pick-up lines on me," Sasuke retorted.
Naruto's snickers turned into snorts.
It just seemed to encourage Sasuke more.
"So there you are!" a pretty redhead tried her luck next. "I've been looking all over for you," she grabbed his arm and tried to pull him onto the dance floor with her, "the man of my dreams!"
Sasuke was as unmovable as a rock, so much so that Naruto wondered if he was using an earth jutsu. "And there you are," Sasuke glared daggers at the hand on his arm until it was retracted. "I've been hiding everywhere from you, the woman of my nightmares."
"Hello, Cupid called," a man broke in before the woman had even completely left. "He says to tell you that he needs my heart back."
"He called me, too," Sasuke retorted, "and said that he got your message wrong. It's your brain that's missing."
Naruto knew that he should be mad at Sasuke for being a jerk. He also knew that he should be pissed that Sasuke was getting so much attention. Sasuke was hot and all, but this was ridiculous. He was obviously spreading some evil Uchiha pheromones that turned absolute strangers into love-struck morons.
However, all Naruto really could do was laugh into his drink.
Sasuke offered Naruto a cautious smile when the man practically slunk off with his tail between his legs.
"Hey, bastard." Naruto didn't know if it was the sake talking, but he dared to nudge Sasuke in the ribs. Sasuke, miraculously, did not rip his arm out of its socket and beat him to death with it. "You're actually pretty good at this."
Sasuke propped one elbow up on the bar and rested his cheek on his upraised fist. The movement caused his bangs to caress his face perfectly as he leaned in to whisper conspiratorially to Naruto, "Far too much practice."
Naruto gulped. Sasuke really was hopelessly pretty. He could almost understand why all those people had made their move on him, even though they had no clue what a total bastard they were dealing with. Sasuke didn't have to flaunt it like this, though.
"Whatever," Naruto grumbled, feeling a bit sullen all of a sudden. "You're totally desirable, and everyone wants you. Great, I got the memo a long time ago. There's no need to rub my face in it all the time."
Sasuke's expression turned carefully blank, and he pulled back. "Moron," he muttered under his breath and returned to staring down at the bar like he had been at the beginning of the evening.
Naruto almost felt bad. It wasn't often that he got to see Sasuke's playful side, and it had almost seemed like Sasuke was having fun for a while there. It had been hard enough to get Sasuke to have fun before he'd run off to join Orochimaru, but now it was almost impossible to get Sasuke to loosen up.
"What's your sign?" a woman asked.
"Virgo," Sasuke said straight into the bar, not even bothering to look up. "Permanently."
Naruto bit his lip. It was supposed to be Sasuke's job to suck all the fun out of everything, not his. He considered his options for a few moments, and then carefully offered a quiet, coughed-out, "Sorry." He could only hope that one day his pride would recover.
Sasuke stiffened beside him.
"I know you heard me, bastard," Naruto grumbled.
Sasuke just nodded slowly.
Naruto scanned the bar and noticed that a big, muscular guy with tattoos was headed their way, his hungry eyes glued to Sasuke's behind. "Hey," he nudged Sasuke again in reconciliation, "I bet you can get this guy good."
Sasuke offered him a small smirk and turned to the newcomer.
The man waggled his tongue obscenely and then announced loudly enough that half the bar could hear it, "I be a Love Pirate, and I'm here for your booty! Arr!"
Sasuke blinked, gaped, and took a frightened step back.
Naruto started to laugh – if only Sasuke had been wearing his old gay pirate costume from Sound! – but then Sasuke backed into him, and suddenly Naruto found himself with a whole lap full of pirate booty. And very fine booty it was.
"Just…no," Sasuke finally gasped out, sounding far too traumatized to come up with any kind of reasonable retort.
The man realized that he'd had the most luck so far this evening, however, and was not about to be put off. "I want to become a STUD," he leered. "And you can't spell stud without STD and U."
Maybe it was the fact that Sasuke was so flustered that he didn't even notice that he'd retreated into Naruto's lap, or maybe it was because this guy had to be completely insane, but Naruto suddenly felt the anger build inside of him.
"Hey, buddy," he scowled at the man who towered over them both, "back off. He's with me." In a bold gesture that would probably get him castrated, Naruto slipped his arms around Sasuke's waist.
Sasuke tensed for a moment, but then – to Naruto's shock – relaxed back into Naruto's arms.
The ass-pirate glanced back and forth between the two of them, and somehow must have sensed that they were stronger than they appeared. "Hey, no offense," he offered in apology, backing off. "But you really shouldn't bring him here like this. It's false advertising."
Naruto just gaped at the man as he left. That settled it; the entire Grass Country was certifiable.
Sasuke shot Naruto a scowl over his shoulder. "Can we leave now?"
Naruto nodded numbly. This was getting scary. "Let's just hope Sakura-chan had better luck." He felt oddly reluctant to stand up when he had a nice lapful of Sasuke, though.
Sasuke solved his problem by standing up on his own, his shoulders graceful and stiff at the same time in a way that only affronted felines and Uchihas could properly pull off. "Don't say I didn't warn you, moron."
Naruto stalked after him into the night. "Whatever, bastard. If every sociopath in the world wasn't after your ass, maybe we'd actually be able to accomplish our mission one of these days."
Sasuke buried his hands deep in his pockets and stared pointedly at the ground in front of his feet as he walked beside Naruto through the moonlit streets. "I don't encourage them," he finally said softly.
Naruto glanced over at him, but it was hard to tell what Sasuke's expression was because his long bangs were curtaining his face. "Yeah, yeah, you're so hot and wonderful that no one can resist you," Naruto rolled his eyes.
"Except for the important people," Sasuke mumbled, but Naruto was pretty sure he heard it right.
Naruto shrugged it off and kept walking. The silence weighed heavy and awkward between them, and he glanced up at the stars for inspiration. Any topic of conversation would do. "So I can't believe all those people," he announced cheerfully. "I mean, trying to hook up is one thing, but that's just taking things too far."
"Hn." That was as close to agreeing with him as Sasuke ever got.
"I guess I wouldn't mind getting laid more often," Naruto considered, "but that just doesn't seem like the way to go about it. Especially with someone like you, who's never going to fall for some cheesy line."
Sasuke's eyes flicked his way for a moment, and Naruto was pretty sure that Sasuke's shoulders relaxed a few degrees. "I'd have to know someone well first, trust them."
"Exactly!" Naruto agreed happily. "That's no way to get into a relationship. You'd have to be pretty desperate, or just not care at all."
"It is nice and direct, though." They turned the corner to the final street where their inn was located. "I mean, sometimes it's just awkward trying to tell someone you want them, even if you do know them well or whatever."
Sasuke coughed pointedly.
"Maybe in that situation, it would be all right. Because, if you're not direct, sometimes things never happen." Naruto considered his lack of success with Sakura. "Of course, sometimes if you're direct, things never happen, either." He chuckled to himself. "But I say it's always better to try!"
Sasuke snorted. "Idiot." He came to an abrupt halt about fifty feet away from the door to their inn.
Naruto frowned and turned back to look at him. "Hey, why are you stopping, bastard?"
Sasuke shifted nervously from one foot to another and then, talking very firmly to the ground beneath his feet, asked, "So, do you come here often?"
"Huh, what? Have you gone senile? We've never had a mission here before."
Through the light from the streetlamp overhead, Naruto could see that Sasuke's cheeks had darkened.
"Moron," Sasuke hissed before clearing his throat again. "What's your sign?"
"Libra, remember?" Naruto rolled his eyes. "You sat on my sofa sulking my entire birthday party."
Sasuke let out a frustrated little sound. "Fuck it. These things never work!"
"What things ne—?" Naruto's question was cut off when Sasuke's hands suddenly caught hold of his face. He tried to open his mouth to protest, but it was roughly assaulted by a pair of perfectly-curved Uchiha lips.
Naruto flailed for a moment before several things clicked into place all at once:
1. Sasuke always flaunted how attractive his was around Naruto.
2. Sasuke ignored everyone who came on to him, even hot people.
3. Sasuke said he wanted someone he knew and trusted.
4. Sasuke hadn't murdered Naruto once, even though Naruto had touched him a lot.
Naruto didn't particularly like math, but he could figure out that one plus two plus three plus four equaled Sasuke's tongue in his mouth right now. It was a pretty nice feeling, too; Naruto returned it wholeheartedly.
Sasuke sighed, and they pulled apart. Sasuke was still cupping Naruto's face, and Naruto would have sworn before any court in the land that he had absolutely no clue how his hands had ended up on Sasuke's ass during that kiss.
"Dead last," Sasuke said wistfully against Naruto's lips.
"Whatever," Naruto grinned, "you kissed me first." He caught Sasuke's wrist and dragged him impatiently back to the inn and the room they so conveniently shared there. "Come on, I want to finally get myself some booty tonight."
Sasuke's left eye twitched, but he didn't fight Naruto's insistent tugs. "Don't you dare," he threatened.
"Arr!" Naruto's laugh was unrepentant and, although Sasuke would vehemently deny it later, he was smiling, too, all the way back up to their room and for quite some time after they'd entered that room, as well.
It turned out to be a great night for ass-piracy, after all, on both their parts.
Just another little bout of randomness that struck me. Thanks for reading, and reviews are love!