Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the song Cold by Crossfaded

Warning: Yaoi and brief sex scenes

Song lyrics

'. . ' thoughts

". . ." spoken

Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right. I never stopped to think of you.

Kakashi could barely even taste the bitter alcohol anymore, but that didn't stop him from throwing his head back and downing yet another shot of the clear liquid without even bothering to lower his mask. The glass hit the wooden bar with a clink.

"One more," Kakashi mumbled, his head in his hands as he leaned over the bar.

"I think you've had enough Hatake-san," the Misai said softly.

"No, I want another," the Copy Ninja growled as his blurry eye tried to focus on the man.

"Come on Hatake-san, you've had enough let me call Iruka-sensei to come and get you."

"Iruka," Kakashi whispered. "No."

"But. . ."

"No! You leave Iruka out of this and give me another fucking drink," Kakashi growled, his fists clenching as he climbed unsteadily to his feet. Misai, a retired ninja himself, still flinched under the Copy Nin's gaze.

"Of course Hatake-san."

Kakashi smiled grimly as he took the now full glass. It wouldn't have mattered if they called Iruka. He wouldn't have come. Not anymore. Kakashi felt his eyes start to burn and his throat tighten. 'No,' he thought his grip on the shot glass tightening. He couldn't cry. If he cried that meant he was admitting that it was true, that Iruka was gone.

Kakashi hadn't thought much about it when it happened. It was just another fight, another argument, the same argument they always had. He would apologize and Iruka would cry, then reach for him and they would spend the night in each others arms making up for the hurtful words and actions.

This time Iruka had been different, he didn't cry after Kakashi apologized. For a while he just stood there watching the older ninja, his honey brown eyes boring into him. Kakashi couldn't help but stiffen, his face hardening to hide him behind a blank expression.

"You're a selfish bastard Kakashi. I begged you, begged you to stop it, but you just keep hurting me. I can't do this anymore. I'm done." Then it was over.

Kakashi downed the next shot with a wince.

I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win.

Kakashi only loved one man and that was Iruka, but that didn't mean he didn't occasionally want others, particularly one other.

Fujimori was just an ordinary everyday jounin. Average looking with average skills, yet Kakashi couldn't help but be drawn to him. They were never friends or lovers, they hardly ever spoke, but when the need was there they would meet up and screw till morning. Kakashi hadn't worried about it much when he started to date Iruka so he never told him, but when the chunin walked in on him and Fujimori, he'd had to explain. Iruka had taken it well and forgiven him when Kakashi assured him it was a moment of weakness. It meant nothing, and yet he couldn't stop himself the next time Fujimori came calling.

You are the antidote that gets me by, something strong like a drug that gets me high.

Iruka had been asleep when he trudged home drenched in someone else's blood, but he'd immediately jerked awake when the coppery scent hit his nose. His brown eyes were wide as he watched the silver haired jounin standing in the shadows of the bedroom.

"Kashi . . . are you hurt?" he asked softly, moving slowly to climb out of bed and approach his lover. When Iruka reached for him the Copy Ninja flinched and grabbed the chunin's wrist tightly. Iruka winced slightly. "Kashi love, let go. You're hurting me," he said softly.

Kakashi stared at him, visible eye glazed, finally he jerked Iruka forward and held him against his bloody chest. "Ruka," he rasped, his throat dry.

"I'm here Kashi," Iruka said softly, trying to pull away, the stench of blood was making him sick. Kakashi only held him tighter, his cold hands sliding up the chunin's bare back. "Kashi . . . please wait," Iruka gasped, but before he could blink he was turned around and forced against the wall. Kakashi started nipping at his neck while he hand slipped in to his pajama bottoms.

"Can't wait, Ruka. Need it now," Kakashi whispered, his speech slurred and his words running together.

Iruka gasped when cool air hit his flesh as Kakashi pulled his pants off before turning him back around and pulling off his own. "I'm sorry Ruka," the silver haired ninja whispered nipping and licking Iruka's neck once more. He picked up the smaller man and Iruka wrapped his legs tightly around his waist gasping slightly when Kakashi's length started to press against his entrance.

"Ruka . . . please tell me you're ready," Kakashi begged, his eyes not meeting his lover's.

"I'm ready Kashi just do it," Iruka whispered. He always prepared ahead of time now, knowing his lover would be too desperate to wait. He still winced, biting his lip to keep from crying out as Kakashi thrust quickly inside, but he wouldn't ask him to stop, Kakashi needed this to keep going.

"I'm sorry," Kakashi whispered over and over, his face buried in Iruka's neck as he thrust fast and hard again and again, his fingers digging into Iruka's hips with bruising force.

Iruka winced, tears in his eyes, as he wrapped his arms around Kakashi's neck and moved his hips so the paler man's thrusts would hit his prostate making him gasp and squirm. "I'm close love," he heard Kakashi moan. He quickly started to fist himself racing to finish. He barely managed to release before he felt Kakashi tense, his hands clenching tighter as he sank his teeth into Iruka's neck making the tanned ninja scream as he broke skin.

Kakashi carried Iruka into the shower when he was done and held him gently as he washed off the blood that was now streaked over both of them. He tried not to look at the angry marks that he'd left on his lover. It wasn't always like that. Usually he was slow and gentle, but sometimes he couldn't take it. Sometimes this was the only way for him to feel alive.

What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am. I never meant to be so cold. What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am. I never meant to be so cold.

Kakashi groaned in pain as he rested his head on the bar clenching his eyes shut. His chest was still aching as if telling him it didn't matter how much he drank he wouldn't be allowed to forget Iruka. He wouldn't be allowed to stop hurting.

It hadn't meant anything, the last time with Fujimori. He hadn't even wanted it, not really. It was force of habit to go to him when he called and he realized now that it had been that way for a while. Fujimori didn't light that fire in him anymore, it was Iruka, just Iruka. But now it was to late. He had taken to long and everything had already gone to shit.

"I never meant for this to happen Ruka," he mumbled, his head pounding. "I wasn't trying to hurt you."

To you I'm sorry about all the lies.



Iruka didn't have to say it, the words hung heavy in the air. "Why Kakashi?" That was all he said, his brown eyes wide as though piercing into his heart, trusting him still.

"Why what Ruka?" Kakashi asked casually, still trying to hide, unwilling to expose himself to Iruka's pain. He didn't even flinch at the disappointment on the smaller ninja's face.

"Nothing," Iruka whispered turning away to face the counter once more. He didn't say anything else, just went back to chopping vegetables like nothing had happened. Like he hadn't just been lied to. Like he didn't know.

But Kakashi could smell the salt of his tears and he felt ashamed.

Maybe in a different light, you could see me stand on my own again.

Iruka couldn't look at him, the once proud man now on his knees begging him for his body. Iruka hadn't cut off the jounin out of meanness, he just couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't stand always wondering every time Kakashi touched him, loved him, if he did the same things to Fujimori. It hurt to much and more often then not he found himself slipping from the bed afterward unable to sleep, tears pricking his eyes and misery making his stomach ache.

At first the freedom had been great, not only for himself but for Kakashi as well. It had made the Copy Nin so much more focused and attentive and he had made Iruka feel loved again, but now here he was shivering half naked in his living room as Kakashi begged before him. "Please Ruka," Kakashi pleaded, his voice scratchy. Iruka clenched his fists, but forced himself to look through the bruises and blood, to see past the deep dark circles under Kakashi's eyes and the desperation in his voice.

Cause now I see.

"I need it Ruka," the Copy Nin urged seeing the chunin start to crack. 'I need you,' his mind provided, but he kept silent, his weak body shaking. He couldn't give that up yet, couldn't show that part of himself. Not even to Iruka.

You were the antidote that got me by, something strong like the drug that got me high.

Iruka groaned and curled up tighter in the middle of his bed ignoring the steady stream of sunlight that brightened the room. He didn't even feel guilty for turning off his alarm, he was hurting too much to care. There was no way he was going to work today. He was too tired. Too tired to care, to sleep, to feel. Too tired to do anything but lay in his bed, the covers off, staring ahead but seeing nothing. He didn't want to see anyway, didn't want to look at the bruises that marred his hips, thighs, wrists, and neck. He didn't want to see or remember.

Kakashi had been begging him, down in his knees, crying out desperately for Iruka to relieve his pain and emptiness. As much as Iruka wanted to say no he couldn't. As strange as things were between he and Kakashi, he couldn't call what they had a relationship, he loved Kakashi. So he'd whispered yes.

Iruka shivered and turned from his side to his stomach. He buried his face in his pillow as he stretched out his lean body and ignored the harsh sounds of a ringing phone.

Kakashi had been rougher then normal, almost too rough for Iruka to handle. As soon as the word yes left Iruka's lips the Copy Ninja was on him, so desperate for release he ignored the younger man's pleas and quickly pushed him to the floor ripping down his pants as he went. He'd taken Iruka there on the chunin's living room floor, his strong fingers biting into tanned flesh as cries of pain tore from Iruka sweet mouth.

Kakashi hadn't been trying to hurt him. The pale man had apologized afterwards, holding Iruka's shaking body close and kissing away his tears, finally able to think clearly. Iruka knew he didn't mean to hurt him, but that didn't make it any easier to bear. It was only the way Kakashi's muscles seemed to relax and the sharp and bitter anguish left his eyes that kept Iruka from breaking apart. He'd helped his lover, drug him away from the shadowed abyss once more.

Iruka covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut when he heard someone start to pound on his door.

Kakashi had taken him to the shower after like he always did. He'd held him close as the hot water loosened his tense body, warming his chilled and bruising skin. The Copy Nin's graceful hand had run gently over his body trying to sooth him as the blood, sweat, and cum were washed away. It was here, warm and close to Kakashi, with the paler man's hands running softly over him that Iruka felt the most loved and he couldn't help the tears that pricked his eyes.

Kakashi frowned when Iruka leaned heavily against him, his tanned body trembling once more. "Ruka?" he asked softly, but stopped when he heard a breathless sob.

"Please Kakashi . . . please," Iruka begged, his voice harsh.

"Please what?" Kakashi asked softly, his brow furrowed in confusion as he tried to soothe the smaller ninja.

"Just me Kakashi. I'll do anything, be anything, give you anything, if you'll just be with me. Please."

Kakashi tensed, his heart aching. Iruka wanted him so badly, and would do anything for him. All he really wanted was for Kakashi to finally tell him he loved him. It wouldn't be a lie, Kakashi loved Iruka more then anything. "Iruka, I . . ." he started, but immediately snapped his mouth shut reaching to turn the water off. He dried the now silent chunin quietly before carrying him to bed and tucking him in. He stood to leave when a calloused hand grabbed his wrist.

"Kakashi, I'm sorry. I love you," Iruka croaked, his eyes wide.

Kakashi watched him, knowing what the chunin wanted him to say. In two years he'd never once said it. Too stubborn or too afraid he didn't know what, but the three words couldn't seem to leave his mouth, no matter how much he wanted to say them or how badly his chunin needed to hear them. This time was no different so he left with the early morning without saying anything. He left his lover alone in bed and Iruka's heart broke as he was silently abandoned again.

"Go away," Iruka whispered when he heard the crash that signaled someone had just kicked in his front door. His heart was hurting, but he just couldn't care anymore. "Just go away."

What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am. I never meant to be so cold. What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am. I never meant to be so cold.

Kakashi groaned loudly, blinking his bleary eyes and pushing away his shot glass as his stomach gave a violent lurch and his head started to pound in time with his heart. He closed his eyes as the room started to spin, but that didn't stop the color burst from flashing in front of his eyes. He could feel tears of miserly pricking his eyes. He felt to horrible and yet he still couldn't forget Iruka or the day things had gone to shit.

I never meant to be so cold.

He'd finally been ready. Ready to tell Iruka that he loved him, to make up for leaving him cold shouldered the night before, but the chunin hadn't answered his phone or door. Kakashi felt a twist of fear. What if something had happened to Iruka? He immediately threw caution to the wind and kicked in Iruka's front door. He hadn't expected to find the chunin sitting in the middle of his bed quiet and still.

"Iruka, I . . ." Kakashi began breathlessly, glad that Iruka was alright, but starting to regret the damage to the door.

"What do you need Hatake-san?" Iruka asked softly, slowly climbing out of bed, not bothering to cover himself as he rifled through his closet.

Kakashi frowned at Iruka's cold tone. "Iruka, I need to talk to you. I want to tell you that I . . . I love you." He said in a rush, his throat growing tight.

"You don't know what that means," Iruka mumbled as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants.

"Wha. . . What?" Kakashi gasped, his chest feeling crushed.

"I said, 'you don't know what that means'" Iruka repeated still not looking at him.

"Iruka, please you don't understand."

"Then explain it to me Hatake-san," Iruka growled, his anger rising as tears started to prick his eyes. Kakashi wasn't sure what to say. He'd hoped Iruka would forgive him like he usually did, but this was unexpected.

I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep locked inside of me so deep. It always seems to get to me. I never really wanted you to go, so many things you should have known. I guess for me there's just no hope. I never meant to be so cold.

"I was scared . . . I didn't want to drag you down, but now. . . I'm ready."

"Ready? Your a selfish bastard Kakashi. I begged you , begged you to stop but you just keep hurting me. You left me last night without a word. I can't do this anymore Kakashi, it's too late. I'm done," Iruka whispered as he pushed past Kakashi, pulling on a shirt as he opened the limp and cracked front door. "Leave me alone and don't come back."

What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am. I never meant to be so cold.

What I really meant to say is I'm sorry for the way I am. I never meant to be so cold.

"Misai can. . . can you call someone. I ain't feeling so good," Kakashi moaned, his face flat against the cool bar top.

"Don't worry Hatake-san, I've already called someone. They should be here any minute." Misai said softly, placing his hand on the Copy Nin's shoulder. If there was one thing he understood it was a broken heart.