Voldemort woke and happily greeted the new day. It was sunny, not a cloud in the sky--the perfect type of day for torturing and killing random Muggles! So he got up, brushed his teeth (so as not to offend his doomed victims with plaque and unsightly coffee stains), and donned his scariest looking black robes. He then Apparated to a secluded alley beside a busy highway and pointed his wand toward the first car he saw.
"Imperio," he muttered, forcing the unfortunate Muggle to park next to the alley and get out of his car. He continued to lure the Muggle man farther into the dark alley until he was satisfied that they could not be seen, and then he released the curse. He laughed as the man realized what was happening, and raised his wand.
"Don't kill me!" pleaded the man. "I have a family! We're just on a road trip, that's all!"
Voldemort lowered his wand, his expression confused. "What is this 'road trip' of which you speak?"
"Um…when you d-drive a long d-distance for v-vacation…."
As much as Voldemort hated to admit it, this idea intrigued him. "Let's make a deal, shall we? Tell me everything you know about these 'road trips' and perhaps I'll let you live."
Three years later…
All the Death Eaters were lined up in front of their master with excited faces. Even Voldemort himself seemed ecstatic, for today was a very special day.
"Are we all packed, then?" the Dark Lord asked.
"Yes, My Lord," said all the Death Eaters in unison.
"Nobody forgot anything?"
"No, My Lord."
"Good. I'm sure you're all looking forward to the Annual Death Eater Beach Trip just as much as yours truly, so everything has to be perfect! Understood?"
"Yes, My Lord."
"Severus, did you pack plenty of sunscreen like I commanded you to? You know how the Dark Lord burns easily."
Snape rolled his eyes and sighed. "I am aware of that, My Lord. The sunscreen is packed and ready to go."
"Excellent. Bellatrix, did you prepare the refreshments for the ride there?"
"But of course, Oh Hot One!" said Bellatrix with a bit too much enthusiasm. "We have plenty of Cokes, sandwiches, and Doritos to last all five hours of the drive!"
"And what about those mini weenies I like so much?"
"I've prepared twice as many as you requested. I live to serve you, Your Sexiness."
"Suck up," came a subtle cough from somewhere in the crowd, soon to be followed by a howl of pain.
"Bella....," warned Voldemort.
"Wormtail did it." Bellatrix's falsely innocent tone could be easily seen through, but Voldemort was too excited to notice.
"Wormtail, you will surely suffer greatly!" he shouted, then continued with a laugh. "After this totally awesome vacation, that is! Now does anyone need to visit the loo before we leave? Because I am not stopping once we get on the road." He paused, but no one moved. "Very well, then, if everyone's ready…ROAD TRIP!!!"
"Yay!!!!!" cheered the Death Eaters as they piled into the Dark Lord's purple minivan.
"Shotgun!" called Lucius, racing for the front seat.
"Forget it, Goldilocks!" said Voldemort. "Mr. Happysmileyman is riding up front!"
"Your teddy bear, My Lord?"
"Did...I...stutter?" said Voldemort slowly, as if talking to a rather ignorant child.
Once the teddy bear was properly buckled in, as well as all the Death Eaters, Voldemort pulled out of the driveway and began the long drive.
"Dude, turn on the radio!" shouted Rabastan.
"Yes, very well," said Voldemort, locating his favorite station. He recognized the song that was playing at once, and began singing along with gusto. "I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive...Carved my name into his leather seats...."
He swung his head around and made various dance moves as he sang. The Death Eaters (except for Snape, of course) couldn't help but join in.
"Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats!" they all sang.
"Oh my badness, I totally love that song, guys!" shouted Voldemort over the loud radio.
"My Lord," said Snape hesitantly, "with all due respect…do you really think this music is appropriate for a malevolent Dark Lord? I mean, do you not think that something like heavy metal would suit you a bit better?"
Voldemort slowly turned his head toward Snape, glaring furiously. "NEVER QUESTION THE AWESOMENESS OF CARRIE UNDERWOOD, SNAPE! NEVER!"
"Um, master....," interrupted Wormtail quietly.
"What is it, Wormtail?"
Wormtail hesitated, then leaned over his seat and whispered something in his master's ear. Voldemort's expression went from excited to irritable in a matter of seconds.
"Dang it, Wormtail, I told you to do that before we left! Now where the crap is a rest stop...."
Twenty miles passed before the Dark Lord finally located a rest stop. Wormtail got out of the car and ran inside faster than Snape could run if faced with happy thoughts.
"Excuse me...Miss Author?" said Snape.
Yes, Snape? What do you want?
"Could you stop utilizing my name for your insulting analogies?"
Hahahahahaha.....no. Now where was I? Oh, yes. The Death Eaters waited silently for a long time, but Wormtail did not come out. Finally, Voldemort broke the silence.
"Dang, it's hot in here," he complained, rolling the windows down. They sat in silence yet again.
"Lord Voldemort?" said Draco Malfoy, sounding a bit intimidated. Voldemort ignored him, as usual.
"Lord Voldemort? ...Lord Voldemort? ...Lord Voldemort? ...Lord Voldemort? ...Lord Vol--"
"WHAT IS IT, DRACO!!!"
"There's, like, a bee in here...."
"So swat it."
"Ew, no! It might sting me!"
"Son, you must man up!" said Lucius. "Now swat that dang bee!"
"Do what your father says, honey," said Narcissa. "You swat the crap out of that thing this instant!"
"OK...." Draco hesitated, then raised his hand and struck the bee. "Ow! It, like, totally stung me!!!"
"For badness sake, Draco, it's just a bee sting!" shouted Lucius.
"But...I think I'm...allergic....," said Draco in between gasps.
"Cool!" said Bellatrix. "He's swelling up like a balloon!"
"Guys....," said Draco, gasping even more now. "My...throat...is...closing...up...I...can't...breathe!"
"Holy crap, Draco, you're such a pansy!" said Voldemort. "Now sit down and suck it up!"
"The Dark Lord said be quiet!" said Lucius, smacking Draco with his pimp cane.
At that moment Wormtail exited the rest stop and made his way back to the minivan. "Sorry that took so long, Master.... There was an incident with two large truckers and a feisty circus clown that I would rather not discuss.... What's the matter with Draco?"
"Oh, nothing," said Voldemort. "Just being a blasted pansy as usual. Now are we ready to hit the road?"
"Yes!!!" came the enthusiastic reply from all but one Death Eater.
"Draco? Are you ready or what?"
Draco gasped desperately for breath, and somehow managed to utter a feeble, "Yes."
"Without the attitude!"