Title: The Importance of Being Earnest, as Directed by Kumadori
by magique
Fandom
: One Piece
Pairing(s)
: Implied Lucci/Kaku through John/Gwendolen interaction and Jyabura/Kalifa through Algernon/Cecily.
Genre/Rating
: Humour/K+
Word Count: 1297
Disclaimer: The Importance of Being Earnest is by Oscar Wilde.
Summary: Kumadori tries to get CP9 to put on an amateur play. 'Tries' being the key word. Crack.
Warnings: Total, utter crack. And cross-dressing.
Notes: For opfanforall prompt: "Kumadori organizes a CP9 amateur play, complete with costumes and if you're extra evil, musical numbers. You can do the practice, backstage interaction, audience reaction, or the actual performance. Just go crazy with it! XD"
This uses a scene from The Importance of Being Earnest, but I didn't follow the script to the letter (when I actually bother to follow it at all). Because it would be weird if they got everything perfectly right on the first try. Except Kalifa and Lucci, that would make sense.

The Cast
JOHN WORTHING Lucci
ALGERNON MONCRIEFF
Jyabura
REVEREND CANON CHASUBLE
Kumadori
MERRIMAN, a butler
Blueno
LANE, a manservant Blueno
LADY BRACKNELL
Spandam
HON. GWENDOLEN FAIRFAX
Kaku
CECILY CARDEW
Kalifa
MISS PRISM
Fukurou


"May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?" Kalifa asks her companion coolly. They are sitting together at a small table in Jyabura's garden in old-fashioned dresses. After a pause, she smirks and adds, "Kaku, really; that twitch wasn't in the stage directions."

"I still don't see why I'm playing a girl," Kaku says. His dress is lilac.

"It was inevitable; there were more men than male parts," Kalifa says and her tone hovers somewhere between amusement and impatience. She sips at the tea Blueno places before her and gives Kaku a pointed look. "Are you suggesting I should play all the female roles, Kaku?"

Kaku frowns. "No, I—" He stops, then continues, more loudly, as if addressing the statement to the world at large. "I'm just not comfortable in this role. Can't I have a different one?"

"YOYOIIII! Kaku, you're ruiniiiiing the scene!" Kumadori calls from a row of chairs fifteen paces away.

Jyabura, who is seated beside him with the others, laughs, and then adds, "You can't have mine, you long-nosed ungulate!"

"I'm sorry, Kumadori, but I don't know why you chose me to play Gwendolen," Kaku says, ignoring Jyabura.

"You can be Cecily, if you'd prefer," Kalifa suggests, without bothering to feign sympathy.

Kaku glares.

"Oh, honestly," Kalifa says, pushing her glasses up her nose; "it's not like you've never worn a dress before."

"That was for a mission!" Kaku protests. "And it was a disaster! Ask Lucci!"

"It was atrocious," Lucci confirms from the row of seats. "He almost ruined everything. Of course, it could have been prevented if he had deigned to practice wearing heels."

Unable to decide whether to be pleased Lucci agreed with him or offended, Kaku draws his eyebrows together. "I still don't see why Spandam chose me over Kalifa," he grumbles after a pause.

"Sexual harassment, Kaku," Kalifa points out mildly.

"He didn't!" Fukurou unzips his lips to explain. "He asked her and she refused! She told him to ask you instead, chapapa!"

"Kalifa!"

She shrugs. "The family angle was all we had. And can you see any of the others making a half-decent trophy wife?"

"Can we pleeease get back to rehearrrrrsals, everyooooone?" Kumadori interrupts.

Kaku sends Kalifa another betrayed look, but glances down at his script on the table. "Thank you," he says with elaborate politeness. Then, aside, and with less enthusiasm, "Detestable girl. But I require tea."

"That's more like it," Kalifa murmurs, smiling sweetly. "Sugar?"

"No, thank you. Sugar is not, um, fashionable … any more."

Kalifa takes up the tongs resting upon the table and puts eight lumps into the teacup. "Cake or bread and butter?"

Kaku pauses, frowning, then looks back at the script. "Bread and butter, please," he reads. "Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays."

"Tryyyy not to reeeead, Kaku! YOYOI!"

Kaku glowers.

Kalifa cuts a large slice of cake and smirks. "Hand that to Miss Fairfax," she tells Blueno.

Blueno obeys, and retreats to where the others are seated as Kaku drinks and makes a face.

"How much did you put in this?" he asks in horror.

"YOYOII! Kaaaaku!"

Kalifa smiles demurely. "I simply followed the directions, Kaku."

"She put eight, chapapa!"

Kaku searches the page and looks up. "It says four, Kalifa!"

"I must have misread," she responds, as if daring him to contradict her. "Perhaps you should save your indignation for your performance. 'You have filled my tea…'"

Kaku opens his mouth to argue, but stops. Instead he stands, saying angrily, "You've filled my tea with sugar, and though I asked for bread and butter, you gave me cake! I am known for the gentleness of my nature, and the extraordinary sweetness of my disposition, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far."

"To save my poor, innocent trusting boy," Kalifa exclaims, rising to her feet and matching his glare with easy confidence, "from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not go."

Kaku narrows his eyes and pushes one hand against the tabletop; "From the minute I saw you I distrusted you. I felt you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived in such matters. My first impressions of people are invariably right."

"Well doooone, Kaku! That was muuuuuch better, YOYOI!"

Kalifa continues, following Kumadori's interruption without a moment of hesitation, lowering her volume a little to say, "It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in the neighbourhood."

At this point, Lucci uncrosses his legs and rises, stalking towards the table.

Kaku looks over and, when he speaks, the enthusiasm has again diminished slightly. "Ernest. My own Ernest!"

"Gwendolen, darling," Lucci responds, blandly disinterested.

Kumadori doesn't protest.

He slips a hand around Kaku's waist and leans forward to offer a kiss.

Kaku draws back, face pink, and says much too quickly, "A moment! May I ask if you are engaged to this lady?"

"To dear little Cecily!" Lucci says and it sounds nothing like an endearment. "Of course not. What could a put such an idea into your pretty little head?"

Kaku's lips twist downward with irritation as he notes the mockery. "Thank you," he says, reluctantly offering his cheek. "You may."

"I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax," Kalifa says before any other movements can be made. "The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my guardian, Mr John Worthing."

"I beg your pardon?"

"This is Uncle Jack."

Kaku pulls away from Lucci as Jyabura stands and starts towards them. "Jack! Oh!"

"Here is Ernest," Kalifa says pleasantly.

Jyabura passes Kaku and Lucci as if they aren't present, crying, "My own love!" and offering to kiss her. It is immediately clear he's trying to show up Lucci.

Kalifa is suddenly the one looking grateful to draw back. "A moment, Ernest! May I ask you—are you engaged to be married to this young lady?"

"To what young lady?" Jyabura asks, looking around and spotting Kaku with a wicked grin. "Good heavens! Gwendolen!"

"Yes! To good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen."

"Gyahaha, of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?"

"Thank you," Kalifa says, presenting her cheek to be kissed. "You may."

Jyabura leans forward, leering, and suddenly yowls in pain, grasping his shin. "What was that for?"

"That was sexual harassment, Jyabura!" Kalifa states severely.

"It was in the script, you crazy—"

Kalifa steps forward menacingly and he shuts up, backing away. "Sorry, sorry! Fine!"

"Kalifaaaaa!" Kumadori calls desperately from the seats. "YOYOII! You have to folloooow the scriiiiipt!"

Kalifa sniffs, pushing her glasses up her nose, and glares over at him. "I do not; not when it involves the violation of my person."

"Violation?" Jyabura exclaims from a safe distance away.

Kumadori looks utterly heartbroken as they start to argue, dropping to his knees dramatically and beginning to cry, so Kaku picks up a plate and takes a bite of the piece of cake sitting on it.

"Oh, yuck, that's disgusting," he yells, effectively shutting up everyone present. "Who made this?"

"I believe you did," Lucci replies as he pours himself tea from the pot on the table.

Kaku stops wiping his tongue furiously to say, "But … I haven't made a cake since—since we tried to have a surprise party for you and I thought it got thrown out…?"

"Evidently not."

Kaku looks down at the slice with something like dawning horror. "I … feel ill. Excuse me."

A despairing cry of, "Seppuku! Tekkai!" follows Kaku as he hurries away, hand covering his mouth.

And then, louder and more mournfully: "WHY CAN'T I DIIIIIE?"

End.