Women Behind Bars

Rated: G-PGish

Season: 10 or whenever Sam, Vala, and Carolyn can be on a mission together

Spoilers: Mentionings of Emancipation, Hathor, and The First Commandment.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate SG1. Not even a little.

Summary: Title kind of says it all. Sam, Vala, and Carolyn enjoy some female bonding while awaiting rescue. Or will they just have to break themselves out? Enjoy! SJ, VD, and CC mentionings.

A/N: Hello Everyone! Hope you enjoy this little ditty with the three girls. The title comes from that line in season one's Hathor, where Janet and Sam have to flirt their way out of their jail cell. Sam says, "Why do I feel like I'm in a Women-Behind-Bars movie?" Thanks for reading!

Best wishes and lots of love,


"Alright, alright," Vala glared at the guard that pushed her into a prison cell. "You've made your point. Now go away and leave us alone." The barred door slamming in her face was all the response she got. She turned around to take in her new surroundings

"Hey Vala," Sam gave a small wave from her seat on the floor. Her other arm appeared injured because she was holding it against her chest. "Oh my God, are you okay?" Vala's cheekbone was one big bruise and her hair was dishevelled.

"Yes, well, somebody decided to fight back," Vala looked pointedly out the door to the three guards sitting at a table nearby and slammed her arm against the bars in defiance. "How did the two of you get caught?" She sat down beside her friend.

Carolyn answered from the opposite wall. "Angry villagers travel fast. They caught us at our lookout point on the ravine. We don't know if the guys made it to the gate or not."

"Well, at least we know they're not captured," Sam offered. "This town is small, so they would be here if they were caught."

"What happened to your arm?" Vala asked.

"Broke it. Or so Carolyn tells me."

"One of the villagers whacked her in the arm with a staff thing. Probably just a fracture, but we'll have to wait for x-rays to know for sure."

"And what happened to your eye?" Vala looked at Carolyn and motioned to her own face.

Carolyn winced. "One of them had a mean right hook."

"You should have seen her, Vala. Carolyn went completely jujitsu on me. It was really cool."

"Yeah, well I was just going by what I'd seen in some movies. It didn't do any good. But, in my defence, there were ten of them and two of us."

"Exactly. What about you, Vala? How'd you get caught?"

"Cameron told me to stay put – which I did," she defended. "Well, for a short time, anyway. But I lost radio contact with him, so I decided to start moving toward the gate myself when they found me."

"I don't get it," Carolyn said. "What scared them so much? We were just offering the medical assistance they had asked for and they start running after us."

"Maybe they were afraid of needles," Vala offered.

"So what do we do, ladies?" Carolyn asked.

"Wait," Sam advised. "At least for now."

"For how long?" Vala questioned.

One hour later

"Forty-five bottles of Tekarla on the wall, forty-five bottles of Tekarla. Take one down, pass it around," Vala paused her singing and sat up from where she was laying on her back on the dirt floor. "Remind me again why we're in here and the guys are not," she requested.

"Because men are idiots?" Carolyn offered while pulling at a loose thread on her jacket and examining it closely. "We shouldn't have scattered like we did."

"Actually, it's better that we did," Sam said. "If we'd all been together, we would all be in here with no rescue party on the way."

"Assuming there is a rescue party," Carolyn said.

"Well, you'd think they'd at least hurry up and try," Vala pouted.

Sam shook her head. "Trust me, we'll be here a while longer. Daniel will be insisting on finding the most diplomatic way of getting us out of here, and that usually takes a while."

"I can't believe this," Carolyn said. "My first mission off world and I get captured by a bunch of crazy villagers."

"Be thankful they haven't threatened to stone us or burn us alive," Vala pointed out.

"Or threatened to squeeze us into fifty-pound, beaded, embroidered blue dresses," Sam added.

"Seriously?" Carolyn raised her eyebrows. "When was that?"

"One of my earliest missions after joining SG1. We gate to this planet that mimics the Mongol way of life – women dominated by men, being sold and traded, forced to hide their faces, cook, weave, clean, have twenty sons. Well anyway. The villagers were offended because I wasn't dressed like a woman, showed my face, and spoke without being spoken too. They made me put on this monstrosity of a dress – at Daniel's insistence might I add, complete with headdress and stay in a tent while they guys went off to some party."

Vala scoffed. "If Daniel tried to pull that one on me, I'd stuff that dress up his-"

"Hey, keep it down in there!" One of the guards shouted from his desk.

"Oh, shut up!" Vala shouted back. She turned back to the girls. "So what did you do?" Vala prompted. "Crash the party?"

"No, actually somebody crashed my party. I got kidnapped, sold to a neighbouring village's chieftain, beaten for attempting escape, and finally got traded back in exchange for Jack's side arm. You'd think that would be the end of it, but then I had to go back to rescue the chieftain's daughter who got caught after I helped her escape which resulted in me fighting the chieftain to the death."

"Really?" Vala's eyes were very wide and gleaming at this point.

"Yup. Well, I didn't actually have to kill him. I got close enough to kill him, so we called it even."

"See, this is why I'm not in the military," Carolyn said. "I couldn't even imagine going through something like that."

"You get used to it," Vala said. "I've lost count of the number of times I've been locked up."

"Do you have a particular escape method that's proven useful? Cause we could sure use one about now," Carolyn asked.

Vala grinned. "Well, actually I do have a few favourites I'd be happy to show you, but aren't we supposed to wait for the guys to come and save the day with as little to no effort from ourselves as possible?"

Sam smirked. "Unless you want to wait here until sundown."

Carolyn and Vala looked at her quizzically. "Oh yeah," she responded, waving her good hand in the air. "Because bad things only happen after sundown. Geesh," she shook her head, still in disbelief after ten years.

"They actually said that?" Carolyn stared at Sam.

Sam nodded. "Like the big mean Mongol chief is going to wait for his bedtime before," she held up her fingers to form quotation marks, "partaking of his latest possession."

"Oh my God," Carolyn laughed. "Men really are idiots."

One hour later

Vala sighed in exasperation. She stood up with a groan and went over to the bars, looking out at the guards. "Please let us out of here. Or feed us or something. I'm starving."

After no response, she sat back down.

"Here," Sam reached into her pocket and pulled out a Hershey bar. She broke in into three pieces.

Vala moaned around her mouthful of chocolate. "That is so much better," she licked her fingers. "There was this one time on Gallus Prime, I was arrested after being caught for selling illegal weapons. There was this one guard who was very, very attractive. And we-"

"Let me guess," Carolyn interjected. "You didn't stay his prisoner for long?"

Vala grinned. "Actually, for a short time, he was my prisoner. We took turns."

"Janet and I flirted our way out of prison once. Actually, we had to seduce our own men to let us out. They were under the influence of this aphrodisiac Hathor was using to control them."

"Wait, wait just a minute," Carolyn held up her hands. "I hope you guys aren't suggesting we use our feminine wiles to get out of this mess. That's so not 21st century."

Vala took on a determined look. "A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do, Carolyn."

"And we are girls," Sam nodded.

"Well, maybe we could try waiting just a little bit longer," Carolyn suggested.

"I don't know," Vala turned her head to look at the guards again. "One of them is kind of cute. Dibs on the sheriff," she called, smiling to herself.

"Damn," Sam and Carolyn said at the same time.

Carolyn turned to look out the bars. "Okay, I call blondie."

"Fine. I get the tall one," Sam decided.

"But only after we wait some more," Carolyn added.

Another hour later

Vala put the finishing touches on braiding Carolyn's hair into two French braids matching her own. "If we're going to be here longer, I suggest we amuse ourselves. Who's up for a little game I like to call... Truth or Dare?"

"Vala, did Daniel teach you that?"

"Teal'c actually, while we were waiting for Daniel to finish a translation on our last mission."

"I'm in," Carolyn decided.

"Fine," Sam agreed.

"Okay, so, Sam," Vala sat up a little straighter. "Truth or dare?"


"Who's the better kisser – Jack, Daniel, Teal'c, or Cameron?"

Sam stared at Vala in shock. "Vala, I've never kissed Daniel or Teal'c or Cameron."

"Really? Never?"

"Have you?" Sam asked.

"Hey, it's not my turn yet. Carolyn, truth or dare?


"Why doesn't anyone ever say 'dare'?" Vala asked.

"Because we're afraid of what you'll make us do," Sam explained.

"Oh, well, yes. I suppose I see your point. Anyway, here's your question. Who's the better kisser – Jack, Daniel, Teal'c, or Cameron."

"Vala! I've only ever kissed Cameron, so..."

"Really?" Vala looked truly appalled.

"Okay, I can't wait," Sam stepped in. "Vala, truth or dare?"


"How many of our guys have you kissed?"

"Just Daniel," Vala answered sheepishly.

"Thank God," Carolyn rolled her eyes. "Cause I was going to have to whoop Cameron's ass. Truth or dare, Sam?"


"Surprise, surprise," Vala taunted from her corner.

"Fine. Dare," Sam corrected

"Oh, okay. Give me a second to think. Um..."

"Oh, I know!" Vala scooted over to Carolyn and whispered into her ear. Carolyn grinned and nodded.

"Sam, you are hereby dared to do the chicken dance. Right here. Right now. But be careful of your arm," she amended.

"Oh, I'm going to get you both back for this. Don't tell me Teal'c taught you this too."

Vala shrugged. "Actually this one was Daniel."

Sam commenced her one arm chicken dance in the middle of the room, but Vala stopped her. "Hold on, hold on. You're forgetting the "na, na, nas."

"I'm going to kill Daniel," Sam muttered and began again.

Yet another hour later

Sam was still sitting back against the wall. Carolyn and Vala were standing in the middle of the room facing each other.

"Okay, so if he's right up in your face like this," Vala moved closer. "You just knee him. Pure and simple. And use as much force as possible. You don't care if he can't have children anymore. That's his problem."

"Well, what if he grabs you from behind like this," Carolyn moved behind Vala and put her arms around Vala's arms and waist.

"In that case, your goal is to unlock his hands. So you crouch down and put your weight into separating his hands. It's surprising how easy it is. Unless the attacker is incredibly strong, he'll be forced to unlock his hands which gives you room to move away and punch and kick like a mad woman."

"And don't forget," Sam added. "Go for the soft spots – eyes, nose, throat, and groin. They don't take much effort to injure and they're very sensitive."

"What about flips?" Carolyn asked.

"Hey, Sherriff," Vala yelled out. "Want to come in here so we can use you for a little demonstration?"


"Your loss."

Even another hour later.

"Okay," Vala turned to Carolyn. "If you had to be stuck on a deserted planet for the rest of your life with either Cronus or Yu, who would you choose?"

"Yu," Carolyn said without hesitation. "Yu's old. He'd die soon, and I could live the rest of my life in blissful solitude."

"Good choice," Sam agreed. "How about you, Vala? If you had to be stuck on a deserted planet for the rest of your life with either... Apophis or Baal, who would you choose?"

"Baal. Much more attractive. I always found Apophis to be so pouty. What about you Sam? Of all the Goa'uld you encountered, who would you choose?"

"Baal. But only because he would be so annoyed at being stuck with me that, between the two of us, we'd come up with some crazy plan to find our way out of there as quickly as possible."

"A stargate made out of coconuts?" Carolyn guessed.


"How about you, Blondie?" Carolyn called out to her captor. "Hathor or Nirrti?"

No reply.

Vala looked bewildered. "How can they just ignore us? We're three beautiful, strong-willed women. In their care. If our places were switched and we were their captors, I wouldn't be so distant." She turned back to face the guards. "You're missing a wonderful time! Fine, play your stupid card game. Don't worry about us."

"You know, we should be thankful. This situation could be a lot more dangerous," Sam pointed out.

"I'll tell you what's dangerous," Vala threatened. "My bladder's about to explode."

Carolyn groaned. "Oh, don't even talk about it. I was trying to pretend I don't have a bladder anymore."

"How much longer till sundown?" Vala asked.

Sam looked at her watch. "Four hours."

"Four hours too long. I feel like I'm pregnant again."

"You could just use the bathroom provided to us," Sam pointed to a hole in the floor in the corner.

"Hey," Carolyn held up a hand in defiance. "We are not there yet."

And finally...

"Thanks again for everything," Vala smiled charmingly at the sheriff. "We really did enjoy your hospitality." She got a rough shove out the cell door for her efforts. Carolyn and Sam walked out behind her. Cameron and Teal'c walked in the front door of the prison just then.

"Oh now you show up," Carolyn rolled her eyes.

"What's going on here?" Cameron looked at them in surprise. "We just came to rescue you. Well, Jackson's still talking to the mayor about letting us rescue you," he corrected.

"We couldn't wait any longer. You were taking too long," Vala chided.

"Taking too- It's not even sundown yet!" Cam exclaimed.

Vala, Carolyn, and Sam shared knowing looks. They walked past Cam and Teal'c in silence.

"What did I say?" Cam said to their retreating backs.

Daniel joined them. "Hey guys. Wow, I didn't... How'd you get out so fast? The mayor just agreed to your release."

"They said they got tired of waiting," Cameron said.

"Oh... really? But how exactly..." Daniel looked confused.

"If you boys don't mind, the three of us have had a very long, stressful day, what with having to escape capture and all, and we don't want to talk about it," Vala shouldered her pack and walked ahead of the rest toward the gate. Sam and Carolyn followed her.

Cameron stared after the three women. He shook his head and shrugged as Teal'c and Daniel joined him. "Women."



When they were far enough away from the men, Carolyn leaned close to Sam. "So, are we going to tell them the truth at some point?"

"What, that our captors actually got tired of us and let us go?" Sam looked at her like she was crazy.

"Carolyn, honestly," Vala shook her head. "Have some pride, woman."

The End.

Thanks for reading. Reviews are my life force!