Title: riley's Return

Author: Goldy

Email: thegoldoneb_a@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: Please, do you really think that *I* would have Cordy and Angel having fuzzy feelings for each other?

Synopsis: riley returns to find that things are *very* different then they were when he had left.

Spoilers: 'BTVS' S6 and 'Ats' S3

Rating: G

Feedback: YES! And this is supposed to be funny, so if it isn't let me know!

riley finn dropped his bag with a dull thud. Here he was, outside of Angel Investigations, ready to confront his ex's other ex: the vampire that riley hated with a passion.

He swung the door open and stealthily looked around the interior of the hotel. He noticed a girl sitting behind a desk, twiddling her thumbs and humming off-key.

She looked up when she heard riley's approach. "Hi!" she said brightly, "Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless."

riley gave a small smile, "Thanks, but-"

"Except," she continued as if not hearing him, "I didn't get a vision. You're going to have to leave. Bye." She looked back down at her nails, clearly dismissing him.

riley frowned. Why did people always ignore him like he wasn't important? And where was Angel anyway? Wasn't he supposed to be all dark in a swinging cape saving people? Isn't that what made Buffy all gagga for him?

"Oh my god!" a loud voice came from upstairs which made the hairs on the back of riley's neck stand up. "Britney Spears! She's coming to LA! Who wants to go? Talk about a legend.!"

"I'll go!" a hopeful voice said from somewhere else upstairs.

"Anyone besides Fred want to go?" Angel asked brightly letting out a loud laugh at the same time. riley cringed. Sure he'd only met the guy once before, but he hadn't really seemed like a happy vampire.

"I tell ya," Angel continued as he started making his way downstairs. riley's palms started sweating as he realized that he didn't actually know what to say to him. So, he grabbed the closest person he could find and put a gun, which he always carried with him, up to their head. "Britney is not an event I want to miss-Cordelia! Let her go, you fiend! I'll save you, Cordy! I'd do anything to keep you safe! Hell, I'd even kill people on the same side as me without feeling bad about it, just as long as I got you back!"

"Oh Angel!" Cordelia, cried. "Save me! Save me!"

"Unhand her at once!" Angel commanded.

riley blinked, "Do you even know who I am?"

Angel looked at him for a minute and then shook his head.

"I'm riley! r-i-l-e-y? riley?" Angel's frown deepened. "Buffy's ex- boyfriend!"

Angel looked questioningly at Cordelia. "Buffy's the one girl that you have ever loved in 250 years," she whispered as if telling him a secret. "When she died you were sad. When she came back to life, you went to see her. You don't like riley."

Angel nodded and his eyes dawned in recognition. "Oh! That Buffy! When she died, I felt sad. When she came back to life I went to see her. I don't like Riley."

Cordelia smiled, "See? This is what I'm here for, Angel. I'm you're friend. You can talk to me about anything."

Angel's eyes teared-over and he shared a smile with Cordelia. "Thanks, Cordy. That means so much."

Then the door bust open and a blonde pregnant woman ran through it. "Angelus!" she hissed and rubbed her stomach, "I found your daddy my little one."

Angel turned away, clearly forgetting about riley and the gun to Cordelia's head. "Darla? What's going on?'

"We're having a baby, my boy," Darla answered with a mouthful of fangs.

riley dropped the gun on the ground. What had he just gotten himself into?

Cordelia barely even blinked. She ran over to where Angel was staring at Darla with wide eyes. "*Why* is she pregnant?"

"You don't know how?" he replied evasively.

Cordelia looked at Darla's bulging stomach in distaste. "Of course I know how! I want to know *why* a vampire can get pregnant *and* why you're suddenly 'daddy.'"

"He slept with me, princess." Darla said eagerly.

Cordelia gaped at Angel. "How could you?"


"And then he tossed me out on my butt afterwards," Darla added helpfully.

Cordelia whirled on Angel. "I'm sorry," he whined pitifully.

She glared at him, "I don't want to hear it!"

"But you said you wanted me to talk to you." Angel protested.

"Only if I understand the problem, dummy!" Cordelia yelled.

Riley decided that now looked like a very good time to leave. And since it was obvious that Angel wasn't a threat, he might as well go to Sunnydale and see about getting Buffy back.


riley took a deep breath and knocked on the Summer's house's door. It took only a short while for Buffy to answer the door. If she was surprised to see him, she didn't show it. Buffy let him in quickly, shutting the door behind her, and offering him a drink.

"So, riley," Buffy began, "what brings you to Sunnydale?"

riley glanced around nervously. He wasn't exactly sure what had brought him back, and he didn't know how to tell her that he was no longer jealous of Angel. "Well, you know how I left because I felt like you didn't open up to me?"

"Yeah, and cause you kept letting those vampire whores feed off-"

"Anyway," riley interjected quickly, "I realize that my jealousy towards Angel was totally unneeded."

Buffy nodded. "It really was! I mean, it wasn't like we had any kind of a real relationship at all. What with him just having a crush on me when I let him feed of me to save my life and all."

"I realize that now," riley admitted, "I acted like an idiot."

"You did. All this time you should have been jealous of Spike."

"Exactly. That's why I think we should get back to.. Spike???"

Buffy looked dreamily up to the sky. "He stopped being evil just for me."

"Oh, that's nice," riley muttered, "really sweet of him."

At that moment the vampire in question walked through the door and grinned evilly at the couple sitting in the kitchen. He looked at riley and decided that the opportunity was too good to give up.

Without preamble, Spike grabbed riley and sunk his fangs into his neck, draining him dry. He dropped him on the ground and walked towards Buffy, licking the access blood from his lips.

"Spike! You'd love me even without your chip, right?" Buffy asked taking a step back.

"You bet, luv," the real Spike said before sinking his fangs into *her* neck.


Angel, Cordelia, and Darla were just getting into a heated argument on what to do with the baby (Cord wanted to keep it, Angel wanted to stake his sire) when the phone rang.

"Angel Investigations," Cordelia answered, "Sorry no vision. Gotta go. Willow? Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'll tell him."

Angel gave Cordelia a questioning look. "Buffy died," Cordy said, tears springing up in her eyes.

Angel frowned and concentrated. Buffy? Buffy.. Oh! That Buffy! "Oh no. How. Will. I. Ever. Go. On. Without. Her?"

Cordelia smiled at him sympathetically. "It's okay to feel sad. You gave up humanity for her, I'll understand if you want some time."

Angel gave a small smile. "No, it's okay. I already grieved properly for her last time she died. I have to deal with Darla now."

Suddenly Darla let out a scream. "AHHH! I'm going into labour!"

The words had barely left her mouth when a great big claw arm ripped itself out of her uterus. It killed Darla in three seconds flat and Cordelia and Angel weren't far behind.

Gee, look at that. I guess the baby *was* a hell beast after all!


Buffy looked around her surroundings. She had to admit that heaven had been a lot nicer last time she had been here. It was weird, but being dead again helped clear up her head a little. Suddenly, a lot of things became clearer.

The thought had barely gone through her mind when Angel dropped down next to her. He looked around suspiciously and his eyes softened when they landed on her. "Buffy?'

"Angel?" Buffy looked at him hopefully. Could it be? Was she really allowed to have feelings for him here in this place?

"What's going on?" he frowned, obviously confused.

She shrugged, "I don't know."

"Things feel clearer, somehow," Angel mused taking a step closer to her.

"Yeah," Buffy answered taking a step closer to him.

"I can think for myself, suddenly." Angel took another step forward.

"I know. I don't have these thoughts implanted in my head that are saying that Spike is good and riley is normalcy." Buffy took another step forward.

"Nothing is telling me to go help Cordelia. It's like this whole annoying network was there and is now gone." Two more steps were separating the warriors.

"Well, I just refer to my voice as Marti Noxon." Buffy frowned, "Isn't that weird?"

Angel reached Buffy and took her hand. "Not as weird as Geek Angel."

Buffy shivered as Angel brought her palm to his lips, "Or Brad."

"Or a pregnant vampire," Angel added.

Buffy took a step back, "A pregnant vampire???"

"Hey! *You* dated fishboy, the whore sucking machine!"

Buffy looked offended. "It was Marti's directing debut! What did you expect? What's your excuse?"

"I had an annoying network in my head that was brainwashing me! *And* the voice I call David Greenwalt!" Angel protested. "Besides she gave birth to a hell monster!"

Buffy sighed. "Okay, okay! We're even!"

Angel stepped closer and pulled Buffy to him. "Let's stay here for a while before Willow resurrects us, okay?"

Buffy sighed in contentment, "Fine by me."


A/N: Strangely enough I actually feel better now.