A/N: I know, I'm a hypocrite. THAT'S WHY I'M LOVABLE. -shot for her big ego- Nah, I was kidding. Blech. I tried to make this funny. REALLY! I DID! D: But man, it turned out crappy.
W/e. You can flame me for how crappy the story is, but generally flaming me as an author is a big-nono. Why not read through my 70 and more stories first before you make that judgment?
Thank you for wasting your precious time on this. As a warning, I'll just say that I was on crack when I wrote this, or attempted to be on crack, and I seriously don't give a crap about this story at all.
Wanna flame, go ahead.
Insults are meant to go to OCs. It's an OC-bashed fic.
Disclaimer: I don't own, and of course it's unbeta'd. It's time to put an end to OCs, and why I did this I have no idea.
Warning: THIS IS MEANT TO BE A PARODY. THERE ARE MENTIONS OF CROSSOVERS AND REPETITIVE THINGS. I'M NOT STUPID YOU KNOW, I DO THINGS AND KNOW THAT I'M DOING IT. KTHNX.
I ALSO AM NOT MAKING FUN OF ANY OCs THERE ARE MADE IN THE OURAN FANDOM. I don't care enough to even glance at them. ANY SIMILARITIES (which I doubt there are) IS A PURE COINCIDENCE.
- Episode One: Appearance of the Fat Person
It was a not so normal day of a life of a not so normal person. The day was prettiful and there was not a cloud in the solid blue sky! Birds were singing their message of love! Everyone is in this happy, sun-shiney mood, smiling as if their faces were stretched.
Gasp everyone! Do you know what day it is today?!
Well! Today is…
-insert lame transition thingy-
"Welcome to the Host Club!"
Instead of seeing beautiful girls and a girl with thick koi fished lips, they saw a man. He was as wide as he was tall. He had a huge belt around his waist, and his lips were stained with shiny stuff.
Pregnant silence filled the room.
And the seven hosts stared, their mouths open.
"…we're sorry, we don't accept gays here."
The overly-obese guy stood there, not moving.
"I know you're a girl. Don't try to hide your beauty from me!"
"H-H-How'd you know I was a woman?!" Tamaki cried from the crowd, his voice hidden behind Kyouya. Behind the scenes, Mori kicked Haruhi out from the fortress of hot sexy men, so that she could run away and hide underneath a laundry basket like the numerous 'omigod-this-is-what-you-do-when-someone-finds-out-that-you're-a-girrllz- drills.
"Because I know," and he whipped out a rose and waltzed up to them doing pirouette on a foot. He gracefully landed on both feet—the earth shook, the birds fell from their nest, and most importantly—
The teacups fell from the tops of the cabinets.
Why were they there?
…I dunno. Shhh.
He breathed out the stinky salted fish that he was eating as a breath freshener, "You're so beautiful. MARRY ME."
Kyouya stared at him.
And then at the rose.
Kyouya blankly looked at Tamaki who stood there staring.
And then Tamaki snapped out of his fantasy of the man person marrying his precious person.
A star shaped thingy was popped into the fat guy's left why. "HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME, THE ALMIGHTY MOCHI PON-PON." And he grabbed his coat and tore it off his body.
The blue coat of justice was torn off, and everyone gasped.
And there the guy stood. His stout body covered with awesome pink clothes, as the color of mochi became evident!
His gleaming body of pink, neon pink, light pink, dark pink shone in the dim room shedding light to all corners!
"I'll fight you!" he declared madly. "CAN YOU GO AGAINST MY MANLINESS?"
Kaoru jabbed an elbow into his side.
"I mean— OF COURSE I CAN."
He puffed his chest out.
Weird cheering rang out in the background.
Mochi Pon-Pon gasped as he took a step back. "I see that you have the spiritual side with you, my love foe."
Tamaki slanted an eye as he was given a rotting piece of stick from the background.
"And how do you know that?!"
His sausage-sized fingers brushed over his swirling eyeballs that were the color of red dumbling. "Because…" he said lowly. "I…have…the…1337…kills of SHARINGAN."
"WAH!" he said surprisingly, quickly darting behind the proposed person. "He has moles in his eyes!"
"Ninja," the wise old Mori said.
"Let me fight him, Tama-chan!" Honey said loudly.
He jumped twice his height and landed in front of everyone.
"He's an obese ninja of the Village Hidden in the Back of the Cheapsy Restaurant!" he said seriously, while standing up. "I ate there once…" His eyes turned dark. "They said they'd have cake for dessert."
"How dare they lie to the honorable Haninozuka Clan…"
He pulled out 100 calorie bars and a book labeled: "Diet and Exercise for Fat People! BD" from thin air.
"I have been training for this day…"
"DO YOU PLAN ON DEFEATING ME WITH LOUSY CALORIE BARS?"
Honey shredded his clothes too revealing black ninja clothes stuff and he had a nice shiny knife thing that still had cake icing on it. "Bring it on you fat person."
"Do you not know that icing fuels my power?!" he asked, a bellow in his voice.
Honey chucked away the sharp knife and drew out a ten-foot tall sword from his pocket. He was dead serious, eyes flaring madly. "I will make you regret ever lying to me. Pound cake is not real cake."
"Haha, you revenging fool!" Mochi Pon-Pon said. "You're like another rendition of that chicken-assed, emo freak in the uuber popular manga and anime called Naruto."
"Start a crossover and you're dead."
Unagitamagoyakipancho Mochi Pon-Pon slapped his pudgy hand onto his large tummy and it jiggled with the faint sound of 'Swish, swish', "My blubber protects me! YOU CANNOT HARM ME. MY BLUBBER IS MADE OF WIN."
Unagitamagoyakipancho Mochi Pon-Pon whipped out dango sticks by the millions, and held them between his fingers. "I summon the army of Unagitamagoyakipancho Mochi Pon-Pon Esquire the Third to the fifth power! You will not be able to win a—"
A 100 calorie bar of chocolate was shoved into his mouth quickly, and Unagitamagoyakipancho Mochi Pon-Pon began to gag.
"You do not need to damn me, Unagitamagoyakipancho Mochi Pon-Pon," he said evilly, unwrapped bars held between his fingers. "Damn the 'individually wrapped chocolate covered wafers with peanut butter in the middle.'"
"Do you know what so awesome about these?"
The Host club was silent, and Unagitamagoyakipancho Mochi Pon-Pon kept rolling around, gagging.
"These tasty chocolate wafers have only 100 calories in each bar."
"NOOO. MY STOMACH. THEY BURN," Unagitamagoyakipancho Mochi Pon-Pon screamed. (Anyone getting tired of this guy yet? :D)
"Burn in hell, mother-beep-beep-."
"I AM UNAGITAMAGOYAKIPANCHO MOCHI PON-PON!" Unagitamagoyakipancho Mochi Pon-Pon screamed as he got up and ran through the door, leaving a fat blob of a hole in the pink door.
The resounding sound of: "I CAN NEVER BURN." Echoed through the room.
Purple energy began to consume the now angry, angry Honey and he whipped out a cell phone, and everyone gasped surprised that he possessed such technology.
"Yes, hello? Quickly fetch the gasoline and match. See to it that Unagitamagoyakipancho Mochi Pon-Pon burns with a calorie bar in his mouth."
And then his face turned dark, a creepy smile on his face.
- Episode Two: Appearance of the Fat Haruhi-wannabee
"Milord! Milord! We spotted an awesome hot lady outside!"
The twins were dressed in a blue coat that looked as if it painted with the sky and they owned the same face and had a mop of light chocolate-toffee-caramel hair that strangely smelled like cinnamon toast that they ate this morning.
Oh, and their names are Hikaru and Kaoru. :D
Then they dramatically pointed to the ugly hag that sat in the corner (-she secretly transported to that corner-) quietly chewing on a piece of moldy bread that was left in the host club drawers that strangely no one noticed that it was starting to smell.
"Exterminate her quickly! She's outshining our smexiness!"
They fell onto their knees dramatically and began sobbing like the spoiled children that they are.
Everyone stared at them and stared at their OOCness. (Yes…they're OOC this early in the story. :D)
Because no one could ever outshine the twins in their hotness.
She stood up.
"Who are you?! What are you doing?! Why are you wearing my clothes?!" Tamaki yelled, standing up from his lego blocks.
His blue-ish-sapphire-cerulean eyes shone as it absorbed the person that had just randomly walked in. "AND WHY ARE YOU SO BEAUTIFUL?!"
"I'M MARKEY-SOO. I'M EATING MOLDY BREAD," she screamed loudly, throwing the moldy bread down at the floor with all the strength she could muster.
"I'M FROM AMERICA. I LIKE CHEESE WITH BUTTER. I'M HERE TO STEAL HARUHI'S IDENTITY. AND I KNOW WHAT ONE PLUS ONE IS!" She stopped and flicked the single strand of hair on her very shiny bald head. "AND I JUST AM. SO. BEAUTIFUL."
Tamaki's eyes grew large that it began to be shiny.
His eyes have been blinded!
She was too beautiful to look at.
"Mother! Look at her! She's the epitome of perfection!" Tamaki latched onto Kyouya's arms and began to pull him towards the girl. Everyone swarmed around the pudgy girl and the poked at the layers of fat that accumulated around her waist and it stuck out like lumps.
He clasped her hands, it went squish, and he gasped, "Woman! Tell me your story!"
And she sat down.
The chair almost caved in, but no one cared! And she opened her mouth, her hoarse voice croaked out as if it was being scratched against cardboard.
"Well…I will tell you of my story," she began. Markey-Soo rubbed her greasy hands together. "It all began when I was five years old…"
The Host Club stared in interest. Even Kyouya sat down to watch this beauty who have seem to capture his hart. (I know, so sweet. –dabs eyes-) And she started to talk about the times when she had different methods of chewing…how the food would spit out of her mouth, so explained it to them in such detail that they began to tear up because she was starting to spray some weird odor into the air—
But she was beautiful.
So they don't give a shit.
Haruhi, who was forgotten until this point where I suddenly remembered that she wasn't a guy who admired this –coughfatcough- gorgeous person, screamed: "What?! Identity theft!! You disgrace me!"
Everyone gasped. (Because magically they have forgotten that the brunette even existed.)
"Oh dear…" Mori said, breaking the heavy silence.
"Which Haruhi is the real one?! DDDD:"
And they were faced with a dangerous predicament.
"I LOVE OOTORO. Are you saying that I don't?" the pudgy-face unknown person asked, narrowing her eyes at the perfectly normal Haruhi.
"You're lame," Haruhi countered.
"I have hair."
Haruhi stared at the shiny head that only had a strand of hair that had brown construction paper taped onto it.
"…uh…no you don't."
"I DO. I have lots of it."
"You're just in denial!"
"You're jealous! You're just jealous of my shiny hair!"
Everyone was staring at the girl, who was starting to bawl her eyes out.
"STOP MAKING FUN OF ME. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU ALL!"
And she began to run, each foot step caused a huge tsunami wave towards the islands; soon the author will drown. (WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST US?! D:) And then she blasted through the door (which already have a fat blob of a cookie outline on the other double door.)
She took the careful liberty of smashing through the other one. Her wails were heard as clear as day.
"Haru-chan has problems."
"…what a drama queen."
"…She lied to us the entire time," one seethed dramatically. (LYKE, I KNOW YOU CAN NEVER GUESS.) "Masking away her pain by being a commoner oblivious to the world."
One suggested, "Let's backstab her and talk shit about her behind her back since we're such good friends of her! She has betrayed us and damn IT WOUNDS MY HEART! SO, so let's stick a spork into her back!"
"Ooh, what a great idea!"
"I must say so as well."
"I know right? Like totally!"
"I like sporks!"
"Guys, I'm still here."
- Episode 3: NO MOAR FAT PEOPLE, PLZ. D:
…WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST FAT PEOPLE?! (Well I have nothing against them…but I feel as though I insulted myself when I write about how flabby they are. D:)
Mori looked up from a book that taught him how to fix pipes and saw the most stunning woman in the universe. Mori was outside in the courtyard. She had long flowing hair made of gold (damn, must be heavy). He was sitting on a wet spot of grass. She had green freaky eyes that see right through you (yes, you), and she carried the most charming look in the universe!
He's still on the grass.
And she had, like, these huge, saggy, heavy earrings that elongated her ears but that don't matter, because she was absolutely amazing!
Her face was like…like…made out of an angelic mold. She possessed the rare alabaster skin and flawless! Because her appearance was so godly perfect, Mori could tell that she won a professional judo championship, ski boarded down Mt. Everest without shoes, and won a google dollars for being the number one kid genius in the world because her IQ exceeded ten million.
He fell in love with her on sight and decided to be the man of a few words NO MORE.
He became…a…MAN OF MANY WORDS!
"Like, omigod, hi! You're, like, that quiet depressive boy that hangs out by the window?" she asked in a stuck up voice, waving her fingers around. He could see the fake fingernails that were attached to them, and he lubbed her more.
Everyone say 'Aw' because Mori found his twu lub in the form ofa Mary-sue!
"My name is like…"
"Mary!" Mary said smiling with a huge smile that made Mori's hart melt. "And I have this special magic…"
Did he revert back to his usual self?! A MAN OF A FEW WORDS—
"Your magic is indeed one that makes my heart soar, for I found myself at loss of words even though I hardly talk at all, I would like to express to you my thoughts that I have thought of while I patiently waited for you to create your name out of thin air," he said monotonously, while staring at her.
"You can't woo me!" she said loudly, crossing her arms.
"STOP TRYING TO MOLEST ME! I'M GONNA CALL MY MOMMY!"
"Yah, I know. I'm a bitch," Mary declared. "BUT I'M A MARY-SUE. SO LOVE ME."
His hart was being split into tu!
"I'm going to try get that kid that everyone thinks that is gay with his brother, since he's so boring and has no love life, I'll try to capture his heart!" she laughed before prancing away, leaving Mori broken hearted.
Poor man of many words.
I think he'll go back into his shell again.
He has one more thing to say:
"…I hate OCs."
Damn right brother.
"Omigod! Hikaru! How COULD you do this to me?!"
"I'm sorry, Kaoru, I can't bear being with you longer."
"Don't hold anymore grudges against me! As your brother my heart suffers each time you utter such foul words onto me!"
"Hate…hate…damn you…fuck you…maim…stab…kill…"
"…oh, the paaain! It's too much too bear!"
The door slammed open (oh yeah, wasn't the door already bust up?).
"TAMAKI. I AM YOUR SISTER. AND I DUNNO WHY I SAID THAT. BUT I HAVE COME HERE TO TAKE YOUR CHILDREN."
Hikaru gave Mary a glare as she stormed into the room. "Do you mind?! I'm trying to break up with my brother here!"
The other twin shot a dagger at her.
"I know! Jeez! Now I have to say the whole damn thing over again. And when I finally squeezed a tear out of my eye, GOD."
"KAORU-KUUN!" Mary cooed running up to him, her eyes wide open. "You're so hot and sexy, totally not worthy of your idiot brother who speaks in old English! Go out with me!"
Hikaru twitched, as Kaoru's face slowly melted into a puddle of wax.
Flowers spun in the air next to Kaoru and he smiled suddenly.
"Bye-bye, Hikaru. You've been a real jerk! I hate you! Go screw yourself now!"
Twinkle music entered the atmosphere.
"What?! That isn't fair! You're using your Mary-Sue charm on him!"
"Nothing beats the power of Mary-Sueness! I'm a Mary-sue! Love me!"
"Kaoru is mine!"
The ultra slutty, hot, and bearer of awesomeness placed her hands on her hips and looked at Hikaru was a frown. "I thought you wanted to break up with him."
"That was unnecessary drama. People love it."
"I'm a Mary-sue! People love me!"
"LIES. I'm more lovable than you!"
Tamaki blasted through the door.
"Omigod! Tamaki! My brother!"
"WHO ARE YOU?!'
"Your lovable sister! Do you not remember me?! I'm the bitch that kicked your puppy, I was so nonexistent back then that no one knew that I existed in the manga! How rude! Don't you remember me? I'm Mary! Generic Mary-Sue number twenty-four-thousand-six-hundred-and-two-point-seven-seven-seven-four! I'M A MARY-SUE! LOVE ME!"
Everyone stared at him.
A plastic bottle whacked him on the head.
He cleared his voice and jabbed a finger at them. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SON?!"
"I'm taking away your child! He is mine! Forever!"
Hikaru scrambled towards Tamaki and hid behind him like a scolded child going to his father. "Milord! The Mary-sue there has put Kaoru underneath a spell! He's using Honey-sempai's flowers! KAORU NEVER USES THEM. Help!"
He looked at Hikaru.
"I thought you two were breaking up."
"IT WAS FOR FANSERVICE."
Silence came up as the clingy woman clung onto Kaoru like she owned him. It was a climatic moment, the orchestra band was hidden away behind curtains and they were building drumrolls as the silence passed.
"…you're supposed to say something."
"Let go of Kaoru, now!" Tamaki yelled heroically, pointing a finger at his long lost sister who had green eyes and hair made of gold. "He has a boyfriend already! It isn't right for you to come in and break apart their incestuous and forbidden relationship!"
"I'm a Mary-sue! I'm supposed to steal his heart away and make him love me because isn't that what Mary-sues do?! I love breaking up incestuous twin brothers that go by the name of Hikaru and Kaoru! BWAHA. HA. HA. HA."
"Ha…ha…haaa…I'm a Mary-sue! LOVE ME!"
Tamaki slapped himself.
"OH GOD. THE REDUNDANCY."
And then he fainted—the power of redundancy had killed him.
Hikaru dropped onto his knees dramatically, and screamed: "OMIGOD. THE REDUNDANCY KILLED MILORD!" He forced tears out from his eyes before standing up again and facing the ugly witch.
"I'm a Mary-sue! LOVE ME!"
"Kaoru! I love you! COME BACK TO ME!" Hikaru cried, running in a cliché slow-mo fashion towards the boy that was being clung onto by the broken record person.
"I'M A MARY-SUE! LOVE ME!"
He made a heroic lunge for his brother.
And then Hikaru kicked her in the stomach with his shoe and she flew back several feet, she did some weird summersault in the air and added a twist and then landed perfectly on her feet. "You can't hurt me! I'm a Mary-sue! Love me!"
"Kaoru! SNAP OUT OF IT!" Hikaru bellowed, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him roughly. "The Mary-sue is tricking you—"
"I don't lie! I'm a Mary-sue! Love me!"
BOOM. BANG. BOOM. Etc.
And the person fell over.
"…god dammit, she was like a broken record, jeez," he snorted before slamming open the door.
He sneakily hid the huge bazooka behind his back.
"Good God, that's a huge hole," Hikaru commented staring at the dark abyss that suddenly appeared where the OC last stood.
A/N: Go and sue me. XD I DON'T CARE!! Anyways. Join Shine and be active! The reason why it's boring is because there are people who abandon it because its boring. Take the iniative to help us make it lively! It all depends on those who wish to change Shine's activity!! -random plug-in-
and will there be more?
...maybe not, I hope not. XD