Alternative titles were "Mario is so confusing!" and "Even Mario has disadvantages."
Now before you read, this is only a joke. It's something I wrote when I was bored, don't take it seriously!
I don't hate Mario and I do like his games, but the big problem with Mario is that he's got to be the most confusing video game character in video game history. There's so much to say where do I even begin with what is actually bad about Mario?
First of all if Mario is meant to be Italian, why is he born in the mushroom kingdom? Play Super Mario World 2:Yoshi's Island whether on the Gameboy Advance or Super Nintendo and you'll see what I mean. He is shown to be born in the mushroom kingdom and you play as a young Yoshi trying to deliver him to his parents. Ermm...did the stork take a really wrong turn? Why isn't he born in any part of Italy? What the hell? There's also Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time that show him and Luigi as babies going to play with the princess.
Being born in a fantasy world DOES NOT make you Italian, so stop saying Mario's Italian!
And before anybody gives me that crap, he's from Brooklyn, let's focus on the game canon shall we? It's revealed in Mario and Luigi Partners in Time, that he has spend his childhood in the Mushroom Kingdom and has rescued the baby princess many times. That's another thing, make your fucking mind up! Is he supposed to be from Brooklyn or have spent his whole life in the Mushroom Kingdom? Certain episodes of the Super Mario Bros Super show has shown he has spent his childhood in Brooklyn, so which is it!? Make your damn mind up!
There's also the Mario vs Wario comics in an American magazine called Nintendo power that show him and Wario as babies living in the mushroom kingdom. So why may I ask is Mario Italian?
Also Mario and Luigi are the "Mario Brothers" and some people get the idea that means their last name is Mario.
Now why does Mario have a last name the same as his first name? Mario Mario? What kind of stoned,uncreative parent names their kid Mario Mario? Who in God's name would go around with their first and last name the same, and with a name like that, not only would you be made fun of for life, but you wouldn't be able to cope with life. I wonder what happen when he tries to do everyday real-life things like open a bank account? That's why I don't believe that's really Mario's name.
Mario : I'd like to open a bank account,please.
Receptionist: Full name please?
Mario: Mario Mario.
Receptionist (Thinking) : WTF? (Speaking) No jokes please, sir
Mario: I'm serious! That's my name!
Receptionist: Security, throw this troublemaker out!
Now let's talk about Mario's all-time enemy, Bowser. O.K first of all, what the hell is Bowser? My guess is that he's some sort of turtle mixed with a dragon, but aside from that the name of his creature species doesn't come to mind. And god, if he really considers himself a bad ass, why does he keep doing the same fuckin' idea over and over again! That would be kidnapping princess Peach over and over again. That's another thing that's uncreative! I mean you'd think he'd learn his lesson the first couple of times, but no. He just doesn't seem to get the idea, don't fuck with the plumber with the incredibly stupid full name! And just why is Bowser so evil anyway? Is it just a turtle dragon's nature to be evil, or did he have an unhappy childhood, why is he the way he is?
One more thing about Bowser is that I think he has the power of immortality. I mean Mario has sent him flying into lava pits, he's pelted him with fireballs, sent him flying into bombs, etc. Why is it in Super Mario Bros, when he falls into lava, he appears in the next stage unharmed? Why is it in all the Mario games when he's bombed, falls off cliffs, caught in explosions, sent into lava pits etc. He doesn't die at all! He appears in the next Mario game, without even a scratch!
The stories in Mario games are really beginning to suck. Peach gets kidnapped, Peach gets kidnapped, Peach gets kidnapped. Jesus! Something new, please, why can't more of the games be like Super Mario Bros 2. Where no one gets kidnapped and you fight a different villain other than Bowser all the fuckin' time! How do Nintendo do it! They do the same fuckin' story yet all the games are best sellers! The storyline is tiring to say the least.
As for the princess herself, you have to wonder, what makes her so…..kidnapable? Sorry I know that's not a word. The right thing to say is what makes her so vulnerable to getting kidnapped? If you can choose her to help fight against Wart in Super Mario Bros. 2, make her a tall quality fighter in Super Smash Bros. (For her it'd be Super Smash Sister) make her throw turtle shells in aggression at other racers in the Mario Kart games. And if she's even able to get her own game, Super Princess Peach where she's able to rescue the Mario brothers then what makes her so vulnerable? And how is Mario able to tolerate so well with rescuing her over and over again?
Another enemy of Mario is Wario. O.K, I think I've heard somewhere that they're not related, but damn they sure look like they're related! If they're not related why do they look kind of alike and have similar names? And what's Wario's beef with Mario? Well, according to a comic in an American magazine called Nintendo Power. Mario picked on him as kids. Uhhh…..wow, Mario's personality is that he's a nice guy. It's amazing how a bully who's tortured someone a lot can suddenly become a kindly person. Are you sure Mario's the bad guy here? In the game Yoshi's Island 2 for the D.S. Wario looked pretty wicked at birth. Plus it's amazing how he shows greed at birth, using a magnet to get coins.
And then there was Waluigi, what's his beef with Luigi? Has Luigi been a bully too? I seriously doubt it, seeing as he's so cowardly and shy, plus he himself is much less aggressive than Mario. Why does Waluigi hate Luigi? What's his reason for being so bad? I've never seen anything on the relationship between Luigi and Waluigi.
Plus I grow annoyed that people believe that Waluigi is Wario's brother despite how they've never been confirmed brothers. O.K It may be true, but Wario has looks similar to Mario, yet they aren't related (at least I think they aren't related) so how do you know Waluigi just has looks similar to Wario but is not related?
How do you know that they could have looks similar but not related? What? Oh fuck it. Believe what you want.
Another thing that annoys me is that people think they're called the Wario brothers, when in actuality they could be called the Wicked Brothers. Play the Mario Party games and you see when you put Wario and Waluigi into a team, they're called the Wicked Brothers, not the Wario brothers. Wicked Brothers, wow, if that refers to their last name at least it's more creative than the Mario brothers.
Wario Wicked and Waluigi Wicked. Awesome.
So without ranting forever on Mario and taking this joke way, way, way too far, I'm now going to finish on a few last short negative things about Mario.
Is Mario really a kindly hero, or a cruel drug-addicted animal sadist?
First of all, a number of his enemies consist of turtles. If he touches a turtle as small Mario, he will die. Now here's a question, how can a turtle kill you? I mean the turtles are just walking there, minding their own business, it's not like they're carrying knives and spears or a gun or anything.. And they look so cute, if the turtles are meant to be the bad guys here, why don't the turtles show anger and hatred at seeing Mario and charge at him? I mean the turtles don't seem to punch him or kick him or anything. I mean I never thought a man who could break bricks with his hand (or head or whatever he breaks them with), and lift huge heavy looking objects with no effort get killed by a cute-looking turtle, just walking along minding his own business. The turtles are just walking there, it's the same for most of the other enemies, (with the Hammer Brothers and a few others being an exception.)
And for all the turtles Mario has murdered, I bet the S.P.C.A really hate his guts.
Not to mention there's the abusing of Yoshi. In case you wonder what I mean, take a look at the next time you play Super Mario World whether on the Super Nintendo, through the Virtual Console service or on the Game boy Advance, Whether Mario wants Yoshi to eat something, he actually punches Yoshi right in the back of his head.
Another thing which would question if Mario really is a hero is the use of real-life illegal drugs. First of all he takes magic shrooms and believes he gets bigger from them. Magic mushrooms exist in reality and they are an illegal drug that will make you hallucinate. If you need to know what hallucinate means, it means to see things which aren't really there.
That's right folks, there's a possible chance that Mario is a stoned drug abuser.
So is this a fantasy world he's really discovered, or is this a hallucination through his eyes? Is he seeing things through his eyes, could it be in all these games he has just been sky high on mushrooms? Some people think his other power ups are drugs too, but for me I'm not so sure, I just focus on the mushrooms. Some people think the fire flower is like weed and the star relates to stardust and LSD, but I'm not too sure.
Plus let's not bring up the game Dr Mario where he flings huge pills from his pocket.
I bet Bowser really, really hates the fact he's being defeated by a stoner, if he's not a hallucination through Mario's eyes.
You know what? Drugs would explain everything, I mean I think drugs are the fact that nothing makes any sense in Mario's world and how it's all so confusing.
So that concludes my report on everything negative about Mario, would anyone like to play Super Mario Galaxy after reading my report?
And one last thing, how many more games are they going to make about Mario? Isn't over 25 years enough? I mean in the year 2030, are we going to hear an advert for All New Super Mega Mario Bros part 23 and a half? I mean even Disney allowed Mickey Mouse to rest. Who knows, maybe he'll go on and have the same age as Mickey Mouse, yeah Mickey mouse is actually 80 years old. No joke.
Just remember this is only a joke, so don't take it seriously!
And here's a little update as of January 22th 2015, to prove I really don't hate Mario as my 100th fanfic, I decided to defend Mario from MatPat's "Why Mario is Mental" Youtube video, the fanfic is called "Why Mario is innocent". Be sure to check it out!