I own nothing

I own nothing. It starts with Edward answering.

Ring. Ring. Ring.


"Whhhhhaaazzzzzz uuuuuup?"

"Great. You again."

"Yep. It's me. Your loving son-in-law."

"Uh. Don't remind me."

"I'm your son-in-law."



"I'm hanging up now."

"No!! Don't hang up."

"Why not, mutt?"

"Because I said so."

"Uhhhh. Fine. What do you want to talk about?"

"Hmmmm… Let me think."

"Well, while you are thinking, I'm hanging up."

"No! Wait! I got it! Ya want to talk about how sexy our wives are?"

"Yes, Jacob, I would love to sit here and listen to you talk about my daughter."

"Really? That's kind of out of character for you."

"No, Not really."

"Ohhhh… I get it! That was sarcastic wasn't it?"

"No. That wasn't sarcastic at all."

"Really? I'm confused."



Awkward silence.

"Good bye."

"No!! Don't go!!"

"Jake, are you having problems?"

"… Maybe."

"Do I want to know what kind off problems?"


"Is Nessie ticked off at you?"


"Yes or no?"

"Well… It's kind of a long story."

"I take that as a yes."

"It wasn't my fault!! Embry did it!!"

"I have to know now."

"O.k. So when Nessie and the other bloodsucking girls were out shopping, Embry came over with a bunch of hookers and just haddddd to come in the house…"

"I don't want to hear the rest."


Another awkward silence.

"You're sleeping on the couch, aren't you?"



"No!! Nessie locked me in a closet and I need someone to talk to!!"

"That's why you're bothering me?"


"Go rot in hell, mutt."

"See you there."

Sounds like someone hanging up.

"Lonely, I am so lonely, I've got nobody to…"

"Shut up."

"Oh! Your still there!"

"No, I'm not."

"Really? Because I could have swore that I was talking to you."

"You don't do sarcasm very well."

"That wasn't sarcastic!!"

"I'm hanging up now."

Hangs up.

"Wait, was that sarcastic, too?"