Just crack goodness. The idea of the Akatsuki becoming teachers has caused plot bunnies to start hopping in my head. And I've been working on a crossover fic lately and it seemed to have influenced my brain mechanisms.
This is the result.
It's not logical, I'm not even going to bother with a timeline, and there's no overall plot. Just yummy shorts of the Akatsuki being themselves in the HP universe. More will be added soon.
Itachi had the strict professor act down to pat, Kisame thought. The Uchiha had always oozed the kind of cool confidence that could silence crowds with a graceful wave of his hand. The silence could be attributed to awe, grudging respect, or fear. Itachi wouldn't even have to utter a word and everyone would be tripping all over themselves trying to listen.
He supposed this wasn't very apparent since Itachi was mostly in the company of hardened criminals, though Kisame always noticed his fellow Akatsuki treading lightly moreso than normal when dealing with his partner. This was not born out of fear (the Akatsuki feared no one after all), it was only that Itachi's unsettling silent confidence aroused caution. One can never be sure what the dark-haired man was thinking since he could get through a day cycling through two expressions at most. For all they knew, behind Itachi's indifferent mask, he was entertaining the thought of slicing their throats for breathing his air.
It was better to be safe than dead or dying.
So, Kisame prepared himself to be amused as he quietly settled himself at a back corner to observe Itachi's class. This was after all, the first time he'd see Itachi in all his dark brooding glory, handle a roomful of teenagers barely older than himself, not with the goal to kill but to teach.
Itachi patted down his robes and assumed a passive stance, sitting on the teacher's table with his hands gently laid down on his lap. For three whole minutes he did not move. Kisame was almost convince he had fallen asleep with his eyes open and was just about to tap him awake when the sound of chattering, and the loud patter of feet caught his attention.
Seconds later, the students started filing in. A couple gave him weird looks, but nothing beyond that, before taking their seats. Apparently, these kids had seen even stranger things than a man with shark-like qualities and blue skin.
Their idle talk did not cease even when they had settled in their places.
"Yeah, yeah! And I tell you, the bat just flew out of my hand you know. Well, not like a bat bat, but you get it..."
"Poor git didn't even know what hit him."
"Oi, oi, Harry! Let me borrow your Divinition homework. I'm still short two near-death experiences."
"Ron! Keep your voice down, the professor's right th-"
"Oh, lighten up Hermione, it's one of them muggle guests, right? Poor bloke must be shaking in his trousers. Let's give him a few minutes to adjust...and stop oogling him, we don't want another Gilderoy Lockhart."
"Can you believe this, Crabbe? Muggles as teachers in a wizarding school. Honestly, if my father hears about this..."
"And worse, this guy looks better suited in fixing my hair rather than teaching Defense Against the Dark-"
Kisame grinned. The brats were unknowingly digging their graves. Itachi, to his credit, had yet to as so much as blink ever since their arrival.
"Is he going to just sit there the whole period?"
"Maybe he's gone into shock, he's a muggle after all, magic might be poisonous to them."
And then, as if just to spite them all, Itachi moved. His coal-black eyes blinked twice, slowly. The next second he was standing, a kunai glinting maliciously in his hand.
There was a collective gasp and varied bouts of cursing.
"Bloody hell! Did you even see him move?"
"That knife came out of nowhere! Is he even allowed to carry one?"
"...I don't know. Damn, sssshhh...I think he's pissed."
Kisame was thinking along the same lines as the third speaker. He personally had nothing against Itachi going crazy and stabbing everyone in sight, but harming students (no matter how much they deserved it) was currently prohibited in their current situation. He was fully prepared to step in, but Itachi seemed to have had grasped control of himself again.
"I am Uchiha Itachi," he said in slightly accented English, though still managing his perfectly bland tone. His voice was soft, the class had the unexplainable urge to strain their ears to listen. "You may call me Professor Uchiha."
Itachi paused and allowed his eyes to sweep over the youthful faces in the room (who have now grown silent). He twirled the kunai expertly a few times, tossed it lightly, before grasping it with ease and stabbing it on the student's desk before him. The class stared dumbstruck as the weapon landed with a 'thunk'. The pointed end was buried in the worn down wood, in the millimeter gap between the pointer and middle finger of the unfortunate soul who had decided to sit in front that day.
The boy stared at the blade for five seconds before fainting with a strangled sort of scream.
"Oh my God, Neville!"
"I will be teaching you how to defend against your so-called "Dark Arts"," Itachi continued without missing a beat, completely ignoring the small crowd that had gathered forward to help in the attempt to revive the fainted boy. "If you are weak-willed," his eyes flickered momentarily to the still unconscious Neville, "it may be in your best interest to drop this class in favor of something less stressing. Like raising herbs and weeds," he said all this in a monotone. The class wasn't sure whether to take this seriously or not, though they were leaning towards the former.
Itachi walked towards a large imposing-looking chest set beside the teacher's desk. "The headmaster has suggested that I follow one of the pre-made lesson plans of your third year professor as a review for your first week. Also, fretting is useless. The boy is not going to die. Please take your seats."
Another kunai seemingly appeared in his hand. Kisame smirked as everyone visibly tensed. The students previously attending to Neville practically stumbled as fast as they could back to their seats, leaving the boy slumped over the desk.
A moment of silence followed. The students were frozen in their seats, a handful wondered just where their headmaster was pulling all these unique DADA professors from. It did not ease the nerves of three particular Gryffindors one bit what with their knowledge that half of the professors they've acquainted with the past years have secretly been servants of Lord Voldemort.
Itachi as always, handled the uncomfortable atmosphere like a pro, not letting the near-petrified stares of his students ruffle him one bit.
"We will be reviewing this creature, a boggart, for our first meeting. Please do not move as I distribute your weapons," confusion barely had time to settle in their minds by the time Itachi had whipped out a handful of kunai. He threw it by threes with unnatural precision and speed. Even Kisame, who was already used to displays of his partner's amazing agility could only follow the course of Itachi's arms half the time. The poor brats might not even be able to see him move, Kisame thought.
In the span of five seconds, each student had a kunai embedded on his or her desk. Thankfully, Itachi did not repeat his feat with Neville.
Another round of stunned silence followed. Kisame personally thought there would've been quite a number of squeals if they had the time to be properly surprised. As usual, Itachi was unbothered and merely appeared to tidy his sleeves.
A red-head, much to Kisame's amusement, was not able to hold back his awe. "B-Bloody hell, is he pulling things out of thin air? Harry...let me borrow your glasses, I think my eyes are failing me. I swear I just blinked and he apparently stabbed everyone's desk while I had my eyes closed...That's just not right."
His companion, Harry, could only shake his head numbly, "Your eyes are fine, Ron. I only saw his hand rise once..." he trailed off.
If Itachi was pleased by the indirect praises, he didn't let it show.
"I will now show you how to handle this boggart. I will purposely slow myself down so you could observe my movements properly," he had turned towards the chest, a hand already poised to throw a well-aimed kunai to break the lock when someone drawled with a hint of disgust, "Excuse me? Why aren't we using our wands? Don't tell me you expect us to get rid of that thing by resorting to your crude 'muggle' ways. I don't think such a thing is even possible."
The speaker was pale-skinned, and had perfectly groomed white-blonde hair. The kid had serious balls, Kisame admitted, or a thick skull and a pea-sized brain. He reminded Kisame of Hidan.
Itachi turned his head around slowly, expression unchanged. He regarded the boy for a moment before saying, "May I know your name?"
He seemed to stumble a bit at being addressed by the unsettling professor but managed to pull himself together up quickly. "Malfoy. Draco Malfoy," the boy said with an arrogant air. He gave emphasis on "Malfoy", as if it should mean something to them.
The not-so-subtle hint was ignored by Itachi, though he did turn his body around fully. The corners of his mouth turned downward by a barely noticeable fraction.
Some of the students expected one of those knife-thingies they saw him to be fond of to suddenly embed itself at the center of Draco's forehead.
"Explain," Itachi said neutrally.
Spurred on by this, Draco said, "We use wands here, professor. Not these...cutting utensils," he sneered at the perfectly vertical kunai on his desk. "And the only way to get rid of boggarts is through a spell," he seemed proud to know something their professor did not.
The other students seemed to draw confidence in Itachi remaining silent, seemingly processing this new information. The Uchiha did not seem too intimidating at the moment, with a frown on his once set face.
"The spell is Riddikulus, sir," a brown-haired girl piped up. Itachi settled his eyes on her. "We were taught how to cast it in our third year. The caster is to think of something that could counter his or her fear, something that could change the fear into something humorous as so to incite laughter. This is said to be the best counter against a boggart," she said in one breath.
"...Laughter?" Itachi's frown had deepened. Kisame understood his confusion, not once had they encountered something that required laughter to be defeated. Though Kisame will admit that he would want to see Itachi try such a method in dealing with this boggart. This was fueled by the sudden realization that he has never heard nor seen Itachi laugh in the span of their partnership.
A chorus of "Yes"'s resounded in the room.
Itachi seemed to ponder about this for a few more seconds before he nodded.
"I see. I will however, first try my own method of disposal. You could judge by yourselves which you find more effective," with that he turned back to the confined boggart and resumed his stance. The class waited with bated breath.
Kisame watched with Itachi's audience. As he said before, he had purposely slowed down his movement. However, "slow" in Itachi's standards could not mean the same to the ordinary individual. At least the kids could see him move now. They'll have to keep their eyes peeled open if they don't want to miss anything though.
The lock broke easily. The boggart was already in the middle of transforming, it was a mere blur of indiscernible color and shapes. Itachi stood still before it, arms relaxed at his sides.
Kisame found himself leaning forward, very much curious as to what his partner feared the most.
His fun was ruined almost instantly. Before the boggart could settle its form, Itachi had made his move. His free hand shot forward with frightening surety.
The boggart let out something similar to a gurgled yelp. It appeared to be trying to squirm away from Itachi's grip. This was accompanied by a series of simultaneous transformations.
A cobra, a bat, what seemed like a miniature Ninetails, followed by a hybrid of the three. Kisame blinked, if those were Itachi's fears, then the guy was even more screwed up than he originally thought.
Itachi was forced to release his grip when the boggart changed into a walrus sporting human legs. He nimbly jumped back, kunai arm ready. His eyes calmly ascertained the points of which he would want to strike out seconds later.
The class was amazed as they watched Itachi lightly jump on the teacher's table, barely disturbing the pile of papers which sat at its surface, to avoid the walrus' newly-acquired five-foot long tentacles.
"The hell...he's got some seriously messed up fears," one of the students couldn't help himself exclaim.
Kisame found himself wholeheartedly agreeing.
A slimy tentacle effectively destroyed the desk (causing a few high-pitched shrieks from the class) by its weight alone. Itachi had anchored himself at the point where the opposite wall joined the ceiling. His feet spread wide, one arm curled against the wall, fully prepared to provide an adequate spring of action should he be forced to relocate once more.
The disturbing mutant walrus seemed to spasm. This, Itachi learned, signaled that another transformation was in the making. He judged that the boggart had assumed a large enough form to be appreciated by his audience and prepared for his first attack.
With a sharp jerk of his wrist, the first kunai pierced through the walrus' blubbery skin, pinning an inch of it to the floor. A painful croak followed. Itachi was pleased to note that the boggart had foregone thoughts of transforming because of the attack. He leaped forward, gracefully dodging the flailing tentacles by twisting his body. His feet came in contact with the boggart's bloated head, the force he exerted in his descent was enough to cause it to crash painfully with the floor.
He retrieved his kunai with no trouble. Itachi then dodged the tentacles with well-timed jumps, which eventually ended up with him doing a handstand on the walrus' wide back. A careful yet powerful twist of his wrist allowed Itachi to spin once and slice the base of the tentacles.
The boggart didn't seem to have the energy to maintain part of its form anymore for it allowed the extra appendages to dissolve into black smoke.
With one decisive thrust of his arm, Itachi buried the kunai in the blubbery mass of walrus fat. Instead of the usual oozing out of blood, the boggart shrank in a last attempt of escape.
Itachi performed a neat flip that had his feet settled on solid ground once more. The boggart was in the middle of another transition form. Patience nearly all gone, Itachi decided to end his short demonstration in the next ten seconds.
The class saw Itachi produce six of his now-infamous weapons, three in each hand. What followed was a series of quick throws, all done with obvious practiced expertise. Itachi almost looked bored while delivering his last set of attacks. All six kunai snagged the edges of the still-transforming boggart, pinning it on the blackboard.
Lastly, Itachi plucked the kunai out of Neville's desk and gave one final throw at the very center of the blurry mass of color. The boggart stilled, before seemingly dissolving into a black runny liquid that evaporated into smoke.
The class was stone-silent. Pausing slightly to survey the perfect circle his kunai had formed, Itachi said, "Well, that was fairly interesting I suppose," his breath had not even quickened by a millisecond. There was no indication at all that he had just fought a boggart that transformed into a walrus-human-octopus hybrid all the while executing professional-level gymnastics.
Itachi turned around to face his class, expression once more blank and composed. Not a hair was out of place. In addition, his eyes were red with the presence of the Sharingan.
The students noticed the change as well.
"Oh, my...shit! What the bloody hell happened to your eyes?!" there was that kid again, Ron, if Kisame remembered correctly. Seriously, the boy would have to learn to control his mouth.
"That's freaky, man," someone whispered in the back.
"What are they?"
Itachi was unperturbed. He blinked once and the Sharingan was gone. "It helps me see," he said simply.
The class was silent once more.
"Now, I hope you watched carefully," he said, "I will be dismissing you early today because I have to clean up for my next class...and procure another boggart as well. I had not known that it would be killed so easily, I apologize," he bowed gracefully. Kisame noticed a few of the class shift uncomfortably in their seats, others exchanged wide-eyed glances. He almost snorted, trust Itachi to gain their awe whilst acting as if he had no intention to do so at all. "In our next meeting, we will be dealing with..." he stopped and reached into his right pocket, taking out a piece of paper. He spent a few seconds reading its contents before continuing, "Ah, yes, dementors," he said in a flat tone. He fixed them all with one last piercing stare, "You are dismissed. And take the unconscious boy for treatment."
It took the class a while to shuffle out of their seats, the spectacle they had witnessed impeding their movements and thoughts.
Kisame quietly watched them file out, two of Neville's housemates took it upon themselves to carry the boy to the hospital wing. He caught snippets of their conversations.
"...Damn. That was...wicked awesome. I didn't even know you could kill boggarts that way..."
"I didn't even know boggarts could be killed. Period."
"Hmph, I'm not gonna buy this crap. It's obvious the new guy's a show-off," said the kid that looked like Hidan.
"Oh shut up, Malfoy, you looked like you were pissing yourself from excitement when he started jumping around the walrus."
"You shut it, Weasley."
"Come on, Ron, just ignore him. Charms is next."
"Fine, fine...Hey, Hermione, was that boggart drugged or something. It almost seemed like it was high. Trippy transformations and bloody weird ones as well."
Hermione gave Ron a weary look, "Oh, don't you remember what we discussed before? That happens when the boggart gets confused, it can't fix upon one fear so as a sign of desperation it starts blending its forms together."
"But it was focused on Professor Uchiha, wasn't it?" Harry said, confused himself. "And it was still going ballistic."
Kisame saw her uncomfortably bite her lip. "I noticed that, too. And so far, the only explanation I have for it is that for some reason, the boggart can't sense what he's afraid of...or he doesn't have one to begin with..."
Her two companions paused for a fraction, silent. Kisame noticed the Harry kid glance back at Itachi, who was picking out the kunais from the table.
"Is that even possible?"
"Who cares? He's bloody amazing, that's what he is. A little unsettling, and creepy. And I guess he looks like a candidate for Death Eater of the year, but Malfoy doesn't seem too fond of him—though I saw he had his mouth open during the fight—so what the hell! And just think about it...our next topic is about dementors..."
"…You don't think he'll-"
"Just think about when we start discussing about the Hagrid-level stuff. Like dragons."
When the door snapped shut, Kisame released a long-delayed snort. He gave his partner an accusing and a bit of an envious look. "You are such a crowd pleaser, Itachi."