Laugh Until You Cry!
Note: I don't own any thing haveing to do with the Twilight Series everything that you recognize from the books belong to Stephenie Meyer (she is such a wonderful writer)...this is my first Twilight Story so I hope you like this...I would also like to thank my Beta for this story eyes.of.hazel she did a really great job of fixing this up...The E-Mail Containd in this story is an actual E-Mail that i recieved from a family member and i thought it was funny so i made it into my first Twilight Story. Please Read and Review.
(onto the story...)
Bella Swan came home from school and was not in the worlds greatest mood
When Bella Swan arrived home from school she was not in the world's greatest mood. She was picked last for gym class again, surprise surprise, and to top her day off Edward was off with his family hunting.
She walked up to her room and was about to start her homework when she remembered she hadn't checked her E-mail in the last few days, so instead moved to her computer. She didn't have much in her in box except a few chain letters she usually deleted without reading. However, one E-mail from her mother caught her eye. It was titled Laugh until you cry. Curious, Bella decided to open the message.
I received this from a co-worker when I was having a bad day. When you are feeling down just read this and this will make you cringe and laugh like heck. I know I did
Laugh Until you Cry!
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &PawnShop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 ' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
With tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
Violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered
(#, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
The landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but
was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe, came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
By the time that Bella had gotten to the end of the E-mail she was laughing so hard that she had tears streaming down her face. As a matter of fact she was laughing so hard that she did not notice that Edward had come into her bedroom through the Window.
Edward rushed over to her side and frantically asked, "What's wrong Bella! Are you ok!" Bella tried to tell Edward that she was fine but all she could manage to do was point one shaking finger at her computer screen that still showed the e-mail from her mom.
At first, this greatly confused Edward until comprehension dawned and he looked toward the screen. He gently moved the Laughing Bella to her bed and he sat down at her computer….
Well needless to say a few minutes later Edward Joined Bella laughing and he was certain that if he was not already dead, he would have died right then from lack of air.