Chapter nine

Hey ya'll. It's a Saturday night and as of now I have no plans. Soooo, I'm updating! 50+ reviews for the next chapter. And I'm now accepting anonymous reviews; so if you reeeeally like it but you only have one account you can always leave another ANONYMOUSLY!! :D And as always, constructive criticism is welcome. I hope you like this chapter. I thought about it for a long time.

Disclaimer: I'm not stephenie meyer.

Jasper POV

"Mike, what exactly are we doing?"

"Never mind that darling," Mike said impatiently. "We have to get this over with before my mommy gets home." He grabbed my arm (rather roughly if I might add) and started dragging me down a dark hallway. He gave me a funny look, and I just noticed how tightly he was grabbing my arm. It was enough to hurt a normal human, but of course I barely felt it. He squeezed it tighter, judging my reaction.

It clicked in my head. "OW!" I yelled, overdramatic.

"Darling, when you address me, call me uncle Mike."

"Uncle Mike stop pulling my arm."

"Darling please shut up! I have to hide you from my mom! She doesn't know what I'm going to do with you! She can't find out," he burst into tears.

I rolled my eyes. "Will you please just let go? I'm not going to run away."

"Fine. Follow me," Mike ordered.

At the end of his hallway we stepped through a door and down into the basement. To my surprise, it looked just like any other basement. There were boxes full of old things stacked up, a washer, drier, and a freezer.

"Okay you have to be careful on this part," Mike cautioned, "Be careful not to step on anything."

I was starting to itch in my llama suit. "Yes, uncle Mike," I replied.

Near the corner of Mike's basement there was an unlit candle sitting on a small ledge along the wall. Mike took a match from his pocket, and picking up the candle, lit it. As the ledge was relieved of the weight it swung back into the wall, like a seat in a movie theater after someone sits up. Mike used the ledge as a sort of handle and pushed the wall over, revealing a tunnel that probably went under his backyard. Mike started into the tunnel.

"Well, aren't you coming?" Mike demanded. "Hurry, we're almost out of time!"

My legs felt like jelly. Thoughts of how to kill Mike were racing through my head. Surely he couldn't be planning anything THAT bad, right? I needed to get away. When Mike finally turned away I turned and started running. I would have gotten away, only I tripped over the cord of an antique lamp and it crashed to the floor. I swore under my breath.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!?!?" Mike screeched. He ran back to me and grabbed my nose. "YOU ARE COMING WITH ME WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"

"I like it," I whimpered. He didn't notice how unnaturally cool my nose was. "I just have diarrhea and it's an emergency."

"Well, I don't believe you," Mike shouted. "Enjoy the turds in your pants because you're not going anywhere." And with that, he pushed me into the tunnel and pushed the wall closed. The tunnel resembled an earthen cave, the way it was dug. I found myself wondering how Mike had found so much time to randomly make a tunnel underground. We mostly walked in silence, except that Mike had a nasty bout of flatulence. Trying to cover it up, he started humming 'The Final Countdown' very loudly. When my eyes started watering from the stench of his farts he suddenly crouched down and took a poop right on the floor.

"Oh my god!" Mike pooping and the orgasmic look on his face while doing so would be in my vampire mind forever.

"That feels sooo good. Oh yeah, yeah. That's the stuff. He started moaning. Oooh it's a big one. Faster! It hurts! Oh my god! Faster! OWW!"

I tried to plug my ears but to no avail. The scent of Mike's poop was like a cloud around me. I started walking away, gagging.

"No don't! I want you to see this," Mike groaned. He straightened up and used the hoof of his costume to wipe his crack. "Now wasn't that refreshing?"

He smiled.

"WASN'T IT!?" He held the dirty hoof up to my face.

"Um, yes Uncle Mike it was amazing," I gulped.

"Okay then, let's keep going." We kept walking for about another minute, coming up to turn. Around the corner there was a huge room and I was floored at what I saw!

Tyler was sitting at a desk, like the ones you see on the news. There were cameras everywhere and a green screen on the wall across from Tyler. There was a button that was blinking 'live' in red lights. There was medical equipment everywhere and a cabinet full of DVDs. There was a HUGE display case filled with sex toys and bondage equipment. There were big couches and a pink, heart-shaped bed. What attracted my eye most was a stage built up with a microphone and a karaoke machine.

Mike squealed. "EHmegod! Tyler you wore your llama outfit today, too!" He rushed over to sit next to Tyler in front of the camera.

"But of course," Tyler replied. "It's perfect for every occasion!" He flipped his hair back and opened a compact mirror. "EHmygod I have thee worst zit ever on my eyelid!"

"Sorry I'm late everyone," Mike said to the camera. "Tonight, after our jewelz-4-cheep segment, we have a special guest and new member of the llama lords association of America and Moscow!"

"EHmygod!" Squeaked Tyler. "Who is thee special guest?"

"Well Tyler," Mike turned to him. "He is thee cutest guy ever."

"Is he cuter than you?" Tyler gave Mike a puppy dog face.

"Aw, thanks snookums. I love you so much." He leaned into tyler and kissed his nose.

"ESKIMO KISSES!" They laughed together and rubbed noses back and forth.

I sat down on one of the couches, feeling faint. What was this? A web show? A tv show?

"Okay back to your question Tyler," Mike exaggerated his deep voice. "His name is Jasper Hale."

He pointed to me, and Tyler finally saw me sitting there. He glared at me, and I felt rolls of envy radiating from him.

"Its time for our break, everyone." Mike announced. Tyler was still glaring at me. "See you in five minutes, and remember, llama suits go on sale after the show!" He smiled again. He clicked a button under the table and the camera's live button stopped flashing.

"Mike, are you cheating on me?" Tylers voice was slow and teenage-girl like.

"No, honey bunch, noo," Mike reassured Tyler. "You are the apple of my eye, and the one I want inside my butt every night."

"Okay, good. So you and Jasper are just friends?"

"Foshizzle!" Mike grinned.

"Okay, I love you!"

"I love you too," Mike replied, and the two boys hugged.

They walked around the desk and over to me, hand in hand. I was hoping Mike would explain to me WHAT was going on! "On commercial breaks, Tyler and I like to earn some extra money. He pointed to the pink bed. Tyler goes over to that bed and strips for a live audience, and I record the songs I sing onstage. It earns us about ten extra dollars a week! Isn't that a lot?"

"Yeah, sure." I said.

"Yeah, sure!" Tyler jumped. He moaned. "It really helps pay for, you know, our nightly entertainment."

I thought of the glass case. Realization dawned on me when Tyler winked. "You know," he continued, "You're always welcome to join us. We have sex every night. There is always room for more. Sometimes Mike's dog joins in."

"Those are my favorite nights," Mike whispered. Then, snapping out of his mood he yelled at Tyler. "Get over to the bed! We only have four minutes and I need to sing my song!"

Tyler galloped for the bed on all fours. WHAT a freak, I thought. Mike pulled me to stand in front of the stage.

"Tonight, I'm singing Puddle of Mud." He winked at me. "This is for you, Jasper darling."

He turned on the background music to their song 'Psycho.'

Mike sang just like Josh Groban, and I could feel the song washing over me.

Maybe I'm the one,

Maybe I'm the one,

Who is,

A schizophrenic psycho, yeah.

God, what am I getting into?

I personally loved this song. My playlist for this chapter: Time of the season by Ben Taylor, Here comes goodbye by Rascal Flatts, and Lollipop remix by Framing Harley. And of course, Psycho by puddle of mud. 50+ reviews!! I PROMISE (: