Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I make any money from Naruto. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Summery: Since when did Konoha become a dating service?

'Kage Dilemmas
Humor. Romance. PG.
naruto x sasuke / gaara x lee

Delegates from all the five allied nations had clambered into his office. Daimyo, Clan leaders, families with powerful political pull… they were all there. All vying for attention, all wanting their daughters to be acknowledged, all clamoring like a bunch of prepubescent teens.

There was no point in even trying to interrupt, no matter how hypocritical or ludicrous some of the suggestions were. This was a gathering of horrendous proportions, and eventually, dear merciful gods of ramen, eventually they would notice his silence and just shut the hell up themselves.

A vase smashed into the wall behind him. Some blond haired and green eyed father rising to his full stature, fist preparing to assault the brown haired, black eyed, décor destroyer. Okay, so maybe they wouldn't notice and things would get completely out of hand.

Rubbing his temple irritably, Konoha's 6th Hokage sighed. ANBU would step in soon, then all hell really would break loose. He spared a glance to his right. Red hair, teal eyes, ever blank expression. No help there. To his left, the faceless bodyguard he'd been assigned stood rigid. No fucking help at all.

He leant into his arms, folding them over his desk. If one more…

Something flew past his ear, smashing the potted plant behind him. His face contorted. He LIKED that plant. It was his favourite plant. It was a good plant.

Not for the first time he felt a pang of sympathy for their previous Hokage. No wonder the old hag kept a bottle of sake at hand at all times. This was painful.

A cluster of sand caught the next object flung in his general direction, dropping it callously to the ground. He couldn't find it in himself to look up and thank the Kazekage, after all, it was his fault they were in this situation to begin with. That red-headed bastard should be on hands and knees thanking HIM for everything HE was being put through.

His mind froze, a smile gracing his hidden features. Garra on his knees… begging… oh he could definitely find something to do with that particular image. Sand sliding protectively around his feet…

The ANBU beside him sighed, a perfectly good stapler now in his hands instead of flying through the air like it had been moments before. The blank face tilted slightly, looking from the impromptu weapon to the daimyo that had thrown it.

Naruto held out his hand. The ANBU guard stared. Naruto waved his hand in the air. The ANBU guard stared. Naruto growled.

"Give. It. To. Me." He paused, then immediately blushed. "Just give me the damn stapler teme. You can not throw it back."

Reluctantly, the ANBU guard handed it over.

Naruto placed the object down, and went back to his inner musings. When this was all over, he was in some serious need of ramen. Preferably pork with an extra egg, then he'd have the seafood with extra shrimp. Then maybe miso…

The ANBU snorted.

Naruto turned a glare on his guard. "What?"

The ANBU remained silent.

"What the hell do you find so amusing teme!?" Naruto all but growled. He was desperate to get out of this meeting, and it didn't look like ending any time soon. It might be childish to goad a member of ANBU into an argument, but he really didn't care.

The ANBU tsked.

"Don't you…" Naruto scrunched his face up mimicking the guards sound. "…me. What the hell is so amusing O-High-And-Mighty ANBU-sama?"

The guard stared intently at him for a moment, then shrugged. "Your face."

"My WHAT!?" Naruto shot up in his seat. "You bastard!"

The ANBU shook his head, painstakingly, as though having to put up with such denseness on a regular bases. "You were thinking about ramen again."

"Yeah, what of it?" Naruto pouted.

"Nothing." The guard snatched an inkwell from the air, stepping closer to his Hokage as he placed it beside the stapler.

Naruto growled, but didn't bite. He had grown up some over the past few years.

He felt a pair of eyes on him and turned to see Garra… well it wasn't a smile, but he was sure for a minute there the mans face had twitched. Kami, he should just stick those two arrogant pricks in a room together and let them sort it out. It'd be a flurry of eye twitches, grunts, expressionless expressions that only grew blanker as time went on and the occasional smirk. Hell, if it got really out of hand one of them might even blink.

Or they'd attempt to kill each other, again. One body slamming against the other, wrestling across the floor, legs and arms entangled… maybe there could be oils of some kind… slick, glistening muscles… the sound of flesh slapping against flesh… Kami, it sounded like a plan if ever he had one.

The miniature fish aquarium Iruka-sensei bought him went sailing, fighting fish huddled against the glass. Naruto sprung to his feet, catching it before a drop could be spilled. He placed it gently in line with the stapler, inkwell and… a few other items he'd not seen thrown. Then he was in front of his desk, lungs ready to go.

"Enough!" He reached behind, fist slamming with a resounding crack. "You are respected men of your nations, start fucking acting like it."

Someone cleared their throat, ready to protest, but the simple flare of his nostrils shut them up.

"I don't care… I honestly could not give a shit anymore. We brought you all in to discuss this as civilized delegates, but not once have you even asked the Kazekage for HIS opinion. The fire country is NOT a dating service. We offered Konoha as a place of neutrality, so each of you could come and make your appeal. And what have you accomplished? Nothing except the destruction of my office. And you," Naruto pointed to one specific man amongst the crowd. "You almost killed my fish!"

The crowd was silent for a few moments, before someone again cleared their throat. Timidly a young man turned to the ever silent Kazekage. "On behalf of my clan, I humbly apologize Kazekage-sama. We meant no disrespect. And if you do not object… perhaps to ease the tension… have you found a potential… inamorata yet?"

Garra stared at the man a moment. Eyes blinking just the once before he nodded, and lied. "…I have."

The room cheered, a few asking who, but none really caring for the red-heads answer so long as he'd chosen someone. Specifically, one of their daughters.

After a few moments, another in the group spoke up and suggested they all go drinking to celebrate the momentous occasion. With a second unanimous cheer, every delegate clambered from the Hokage's office with nothing but wedding bells and booze on their mind.

Naruto turned to the Sand child with a groan. "Why didn't you say anything to begin with?"

Garra shrugged.

"Bastard." The Hokage slug himself back around the desk and slid into his seat. "This is too fucking surreal. I can't believe the council are forcing you to marry… and you just agreed!? What the hell, man?"

"The Council were not specific when it came time for me to choose a partner. Only that I would, indeed, choose someone. Their leniency leaves me unburdened." The Kazekage slowly rose, sliding his gourd onto his back.

"What does that even mean?"

The ANBU to his left snorted.

"Shut up teme!"


"Bastard. Shut up! I'm allowed to ask, I'm the Hokage."

The ANBU snorted again, but said nothing more.

"So," Naruto huffed turning back to the stoic red head. "What does everything you just said mean? Unburdened and all that shit?" He probably could have asked a little more eloquently, he had after all surprised many people with his quick wit, but this had been an all too trying day. Eloquence could get fucked.

Gaara shrugged again. "While I am expected to tolerate these meetings, and make comment on the occasional female, I do not necessarily have to choose one of them. Just… someone." After a moment he added, "I chose month ago, Naruto-kun."

"You what!? Why - how - no." Naruto held up his hands. "Who?"

"Gaara!" A green blur spilled into the room. "Gaara My Youthful-"

"Fuzzybrows!!" Naruto squeaked.

"Hokage-sama!" Lee bowed deeply before his leader. "You Are Looking So Young and Youthful Today!"

"Lee," Gaara intoned.

Lee bowed to his leader again before spinning around, sunset smile in place, and hugged his one true love. He whispered something in the mans ear and Gaara nodded. In seconds they were engulfed in sand, transportation jutsu taking them from the tower.

Naruto blinked. Then blinked again. He turned to the only remaining person, his guard, and blinked a third time.

"I'll close the door shall I?" The ANBU started moving forward. "Wouldn't want your stupidity leaking out and infecting others."


"I'm getting there," The ANBU mask came off, Sasuke standing a few feet away smirking.

Naruto grinned. "You know, I had this thought…"


Outside the Hokage's sealed doors, another two ANBU stood guard, each smiling under their masks as they heard the crude remarks of their captain, and the subsequent fantasy of their village leader. There was a growled, 'dobe', the sound of clattering pens and paper, the crunch of wood and a yelped 'Sasuke-bastard!'

Then the noises became more breathless, the names more moaned. Something suspiciously like a body hitting a hard surface and the Hokage's voice clearing stating 'but there could be oils…' before he yelped again and…

Both ANBU sighed. There went another fish.