It's funny. I feel numb, be it from the cold or from pain and anger and disbelief?... The nights in Midgar are getting colder, I guess. That's why I'm trembling, for sure. That's why I have trouble reaching for a cig from my pocket, and why I almost scream at Rude to shut up before he makes a comment that would surely make me realise everything. That would fuck it all up. My composure. That would make me lose it and cry, and Turks don't cry.
My god, but how I want to!
I want to cry and throw a fit and yell and beg, but it won't work, will it? And it's not the right thing to do. Turks have no feelings. Do we? Do I? It's so unfair, so unfair, so un-fucking-fair. Why did it happen, anyway? You bastard... why did it happen?
You bound myself to you. Finally, right? Well, are you happy now? I'm yours, all yours. Nobody else stands a fucking chance. Are you happy with what you've done? Are you fucking happy?
I won't cry. I won't beg. It's my own fucking fault anyway, isn't it. I should have realised at the beginning. I shouldn't have let you close. I shouldn't have, but I did. When you first offered, it wasn't even an offer, because you fucked me on top of your desk, hard, and I had nothing to say, but hell, I didn't protest, I wouldn't. Who would? It was you. The fucking sexy bastard of a boss. Everybody wanted you.
Yet, for a reason nobody seemed to comprehend, you chose me. Why? Stupid... so stupid!
You wanted me to be yours only, exclusive, and you showed it to me whenever you could. And I wasn't letting you take my freedom away from me. How pitiful... to call it freedom. Turks have no freedom, we are all the dogs of ShinRa and we exist to take the bullets for our master. But still, I believed in my fucking freedom, when I served as a good little fucktoy to everyone who as much as asked. Why didn't you hate me? You always just looked at me in that special way and smiled sadly and I didn't care, didn't want to care.
I believed, back then, it was all a show for you. And that you wanted to own me, just for the sake of having me. Look, it's Reno. Pretty, isn't he? Yeah, well, he's mine only. Ha ha. I was such a fucking fool, wasn't I? I didn't even try to see the real you, because you were distant and never talked and I couldn't bring myself to find that little bit of motivation. What was in it for me? Nothing. Nothing. You were just one of many and I liked the sex. I did. You were good.
You were the only person that cared for me. Ever. And I was too dense to see that, because nobody else in my life cared for me. What was there to care for? I was a stupid slum rat, and there's enough of those in Midgar, why should anybody give a damn?... You did, but I couldn't recognise affection, something I'd never been treated with before. I didn't realise that your small kisses and intimate gestures meant anything besides trying to make me yours.
I never stayed the night... no matter how often you asked me to. And I didn't even know I was hurting you. You wanted too much from me. You wanted me to love you, didn't you? And I don't even know what it means to love somebody. It's beyond me. It's too complicated. Nobody ever loved me. Nobody. Nobody!
And then, I remember, when that kid died... Zack Fair. The one you wanted to save so much, because you had letters for him, from that Ancient girl. It still amazes me how much of affection you had in you for all those people. Yes, you seemed to be a cold bastard and I was sure that was all you were. Why did I see all of this when it's too late?... I'm too dense.
When that kid died, you changed. It was subtle and really, most didn't even notice. I did. After all, I was close to you all the time. Dunno why. Habit, probably. Because after he died, you didn't want me that close, anymore. It was as if you were scared of something. Something in me. Or it's now that I'm starting to imagine things, adding to my memories...
It took a long time for you to recover slightly, and still, even when you did, there were no more smiles and soft words that were especially for me. I let you fuck me whenever you pleased, and I let anyone do the same, because I was always a worthless slut from the slums. You couldn't change me and you stopped trying. You still marked me (I didn't want anyone else to do it. I didn't understand it back then, I'm not sure if I do, now), called me yours and made me beg for release. I loved sex with you. You satisfied me like nobody else did.
But it's only now that you finally managed to make me yours. Now. Just now, when I'm staring off into the empty space, sucking on my cig to breathe in some of the nicotine into my lungs, hoping to calm my trembling a bit, I truly belong to you only. You're such a bastard. I hate you so much while I refuse to let myself hate you. I'm bound to you. Now. Why now? You planned it, didn't you. You're such a bastard, you must have fucking planned this or something, when you went to that fucking Temple. Orders. Did they order you to fuck up little stupid Reno's head? If so, you're a genius. Because you did.
You're dead, you're gone, I can't bring you back no matter what I do, I lost the only person that cared, you're fucking gone! And I will never be free now, Tseng, because I just realised that I belong to you...
Guess I always did, anyway...