First off, I'd like to disclaim this fandom.The anime and books ain't mine, and I don't want them. I'd have ruined a great series had it been in my hands. Second, I'd like to beg for someone to tell me how you can get messages to the moderators, as FF is kind of pissing me off with the lacking in certain fandoms. Third, enjoy. I guess.

P.S. Do complain about the fic. It amuses me greatly. Then you look at your own fic and see if you did better; I don't mean reviews either. I mean quality. I know or a fact that my first fic is awful, but I think I got about three hundred reviews on it. -shudders-

Goldilocks and the Three Bears Remake (Kinda Sorta)

White Fluff and Those Weird Boys

Once upon a time an extremely pale boy called Near got lost in a forest. Near, who looked strangely like a white rabbit, had gotten lost when his caretaker, Gevanni, had left to go get some water for dinner. "Stay here, Near." He had warned. "I'll be back." Now, the two were in the forest on a camping trip, and Near hadn't wanted to go in the first place. So, instead of being the smart, obedient boy that he usually was, Near had wanted to punish Gevanni, so he left his post. Unfortunately, he had went too far, and by the time he'd decided to go back, he hadn't remembered the way.

"Next time, I'll walk in a straight line."

With a sigh, Near walked around aimlessly, hoping that he'd run into Gevanni. Instead of him, however, he happened upon a cabin. With a small relieved smile, Near went up to the door of the cabin and knocked. No one answered. Slowly, smile slipping from his face, he walked to the window and peered in. No activity inside. Now openly frowning, Near went back to the door and tried the knob. It opened with no resistance.

"Hello?" He called, nervous. "Is anyone in here?" The cabin house looked well used and he felt like he shouldn't enter, but there was a high chance that Gevanni would happen upon this place, and so he shrugged his nerves aside and entered. Curiously he looked around, spotting a fireplace, a couch, and a cowhide rug. There were no pictures around and no decorations either. Frowning, he took off his shoes and padded into the house in his socks. His eyes sought out the opening of the kitchen and he let his feet lead the way. Once inside, he spotted a table with three chairs and three bowls of porridge. His stomach growled. "Ah, Gevanni hadn't brought the water…" Casting around a guilty look, he shuffled over to the table. He was sure that, whoever lived there, they wouldn't mind a lost person eating some of their food. So he sat in the first chair and picked up the spoon, before scooping it and putting it in his mouth.

He spit it out just as soon.

"Blegh! This porridge tastes like chocolate!" With disgust, he threw the spoon down and warily eyed the next bowls. His stomach growled again, reminding him of his hunger, and he hesitantly stood and went to the bowl. With a mental prep, he picked up the spoon and dug it in the porridge. He brought it to his lips.

And immediately regretted it.

"Blegh! This porridge taste likes sugar!" He looked down at the other bowl as he tossed the spoon aside and he sighed as his stomach rumbled once more. "God, whichever one of you are real, please let this porridge taste good." With that, he braved the last porridge and dipped the spoon-no, wait. With confusion, he tried to dip the spoon into the porridge again, only for it to clack on top of it.

The porridge was frozen.

Near's eyes shifted to the chair he hadn't sat in and he sighed. In the chair was a box. The cover of the box stated, in big bold letters, Microwavable Porridge! With a growl of disgust, he tossed his spoon and stood up. "I didn't even know they made microwavable porridge." His stomach took the time to remind him of its hunger again, but he ignored it and continued to explore the house. He wasn't too sure he wanted to look into the foods they held in their cabinets then and there.

With curiosity leading the way, Near's sock covered feet padded from the kitchen and led into a back hall with two staircases. He peeked into the one headed down and took note of a basement. Reluctant to go in, he merely noted a deep freezer, washing machine and dryer, and clothes, some hung up on lines, before leaving for the upstairs. Once at the top he gave pause.

The door below had just banged open.

"God damn it, Matt! That was all your fault!"

"Nu uh! You were the one that provoked him, Mello, throwing a chocolate wrapper at his head like that!" The two voices caused Near to cringe as they rung violently around the cabin. Mello's and Matt's voices carried towards the kitchen quickly and the sound of chairs scraping against the floor brushed against Near's ear. Mello yelled out something about a "Ryuuzaki" being witness to the event, before silencing as the front door slammed closed.

"Mello, Matt," a voice, deeper and blander than the other two, called from the front of the house. There was a pause, then a thump, before the voice spoke again, closer than before. "Why did you two behave like that?"

"It was just a joke, Ryuuzaki." Mello's voice sounded contrite.

"Yeah," an equally apologetic Matt spoke. "We didn't mean to kill him." Near gasped, eyes going wide as dinner plates, and he brought a hand up to his mouth. 'Kill?' Morbid curiosity entered his body, making him hesitatingly begin to back peddle down the stairs. He crouched low and poked his head around the banister to get a look into the kitchen. Sitting in two of the chairs at the table were two boys. One had blonde straight hair framing his face, from the back he looked kind of like a girl, and his body was encased in leather clothes far too tight to be comfortable. Though he didn't seem to mind them. The other boy had red, slightly messier hair, and orange goggles with white frames covered his eyes. He had on a striped red and black shirt, blue jeans, and large black gloves. In his hand dangled a portable game.

"Whether you meant to or not, you boys know it's not nice to kill visitors." The voice drew Near's attention to the middle of the kitchen where an older man…slouched. The man was wearing baggy blue jeans, a large white sweater, and had wide, sleep deprived, baggy eyes. 'Everything about this guy is baggy, isn't it?' His hair was swished about any which way, though looked long enough to pass his shoulder blades if combed properly. Near's eyes traveled down to the man's feet as he shifted the left one to scratch at his leg, and he had to force back his horrified gasp as Gevanni's body came into view.

"It was just a joke, Ryuuzaki."

"Yeah, we didn't mean to kill him."

Near stumbled backwards in horror, a silent whimper slipped past his lips. 'Gevanni!' He softly thumped unto the wall behind him and stiffened as the baggy man tilted his head in his direction. Crouching quickly, Near inched back up the stairs.

"Ryuuzaki?" Mello's voice questioned. "What's wrong?"

"…Did we leave the door open when we left?" Ryuuzaki questioned back. There was a pause, Near assumed that the two boys shook their heads. "Why?" Matt questioned. Near shivered as he reached the top of the stairs, hearing a shuffling start towards him.

"Because I think I just saw a rabbit." Near's heart jumped into his throat as the baggy man, now identified as Ryuuzaki, shuffled into the hall. Ryuuzaki turned his head in his direction; Near quickly hid his head. A foot lifted and landed on the stairs…

"Ryuuzaki," The name was yelled by Mello, whose voice sounded angry. "Ryuuzaki! Someone's been eating my porridge!"

"Holy shit, man. Someone's been eating…Well, someone tried anyway. Look, see?! My spoon isn't where I left it!" Ryuuzaki shuffled back into the kitchen with a pensive frown.

"And my porridge?" Near gave a panicked giggle as he looked around him, now regretting entering the cabin house. Around him was a big bedroom with a king sized bed propped against the left wall. There was a television with a game system, a trunk with Mello's Chocolate! DON'T TOUCH! written on it, and a mini-fridge. "…Think it was the rabbit?" The question made Near come back to attention, and he strained his ears to hear creaks on the stairs. Panicking, the albino looking boy bounded to the large bed and dove beneath it, immediately bashing himself afterwards. 'Hell, Near! This will be the first place they look!'

"What color bunny was it, Ryuuzaki?"

"White."

"What's a white bunny doing out in this season?" 'Bunny?' The thought made Near think of his toy rabbit at home, Mr. Bunbuns. The little purple stuffed animal had been with him through many hardships and aches, ever since it had been given to him by Gevanni's wife, Halle, six years ago. The thought of them made a ache go through his heart and he shook his head as he tried to figure a way out of the mess he'd gotten dragged into. He listened for the footsteps and nearly panicked again when he didn't hear anything. Shaking off the fear, he slowly crawled out from under the bed, making sure no one was near him first. Seeing the coast was clear he crawled out completely and made sure to keep low.

'What would Mr. Bunbuns do in this situation?' Steeling his nerves, he peeked at the end of the bed and spotted the three boys leaning towards the bed.

"You think it's under there?" The voice of Matt, whom Near identified now as the redhead, rang through the silence.

"Where else would it go?" Mello snapped.

"Shh!" The two quieted and leaned down to peer under the bed with Ryuuzaki. As quickly and quietly as he could, Near stood and power walked to the door. Heart hammering a mile a minute, his eyes traveled behind him, and his heart promptly stopped.

"I don't see it." Mello pouted.

"Me neither." Matt added on, voice disappointed. Ryuuzaki, however, wasn't peering under the bed. His eyes had been locked on Near since the white haired boy had stood up. His eyes traveled down the pale body and white clothes with a raised brow, and a note of interest left his lips. Not wasting another minute, Near tore from the room, jumping down three steps at a time until he happened upon the kitchen. Stumbling over Gevanni's dead body with a grimace and a mental apology, he ran through the house, to the front door, opened it, and screamed.

"AHHH!" Ryuuzaki tilted his head and blinked, watching as the pale boy ran back through the house, past Gevanni's dead body, with another mental apology as he tripped over it, and back up the stairs. Putting a hand over his mouth, Near dove back under the bed. His wide eyes peeked beneath the comforter of the bed to see two pairs of feet standing in front of him, making him shudder towards the wall.

"Ryuuzaki, what the hell was that?!"

"Is that why you jumped out of the window?"

"I swear, that was the biggest fucking rabbit I have ever seen!"

"What about the Easter Bunny?"

"That doesn't count!"

"Quiet you two." Ryuuzaki's head peered beneath the bed and he gave a small smile to Near. "Hello." Mello and Matt walked to the other sides of the bed, one at the end, the other on the side, and poked their heads beneath it. Mello raised a brow at Near.

"Well, I see why you thought it was a rabbit."

"Mello!" Ryuuzaki chided. The blonde rolled his eyes.

"Hey there, lil' fella," Matt crooned, putting a hand under the bed and beckoning Near forward. "C'mere…We're not gonna hurt you." Near made a noise of distress and opened his mouth to retaliate, cringing at the big gulps of air he was putting between the words.

"-Gasp-Bullshit! -Gasp-I saw what you did-Gasp-To Gevanni!" Ryuuzaki put his thumb to his mouth as the two boys winced.

"Ah, that guy. You knew him?" Mello tried for a friendly smile, but it only made Near panic more.

"I won't-Gasp-I won't die here! -Gasp-I've got a life to live! -Gasp-People are gonna miss me! -Gasp-I'm the president's son!"

"Oh, the president?" Ryuuzaki cocked his head to the side and crawled under the bed, making Near cringe back as much as he could without coming into contact with Mello. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for Ryuuzaki to be in his face. "Then are you…Nate Rivers?" Near's eyes widened farther; he took in a deep gulp of air and…Ryuuzaki cursed as he was kicked in the shin, and Near took off once more. He tripped over his feet as he ran and stumbled down the stairs and into the basement.

"Holy hell!" Matt winced. "That's gotta hurt!" Mello snickered, watching as the intruder fell into unconsciousness. Ryuuzaki just shook his head. "Boys, grab that man…Gevanni, was it? And put him on the couch."

"What about the rabbit?" Mello questioned. Matt raised a brow.

"Can we keep him?" With another shake of the head, Ryuuzaki headed into the basement to pick up the fallen body. He shot a stern glare to the two loitering boys before they grudgingly moved to pick up Gevanni's body.

--

Near groaned as he woke up, shifting in the confines of his blanket. Slowly, his eyes pried open as a hand touched his cheek. "I dun wanna go back home, Gevanni…" He mumbled. "I wanna stay with you and-" A yawn broke past his lips. "You and Halle." Blearily, he looked around the room, expecting to see the large toy room reserved at his caretaker's house, and he frowned in confusion as cabin decorations came into view. "Gevanni…?" He focused on the hand rubbing his cheek, now noticing that it was rather bony, and followed it past a long, lean arm, to a crouched lean body, and wide, curious eyes.

"Hi." The sight of Ryuuzaki caused all memories of earlier, yesterday?, to head back into his mind. Near froze up, a scream lodged in his throat, but Ryuuzaki quickly gave him a warning frown. "Calm down, Mr. Rivers, no one is going to hurt you."

"Ge-Gevanni-"

"We didn't kill Mr. Gevanni, thank you very much." Disbelief and confusion waged a war in Near's eyes. Catching it, Ryuuzaki sighed. "Matt, Mello, and I were joking earlier. You see, we were taking a walk earlier to let our stomachs empty so that we could enjoy our porridge when, as we reached the river, we saw Mr. Gevanni there. Now, these woods are private property, so we naturally assumed that he was a trespasser, which he was…" Ryuuzaki trailed off, seeming to forget that he was talking to Near. Near waited for five minutes in silence before he cleared his throat. Ryuuzaki snapped to attention with a small smile. "Sorry. Not use to talking.

"Anyways, Mello got upset that someone was intruding on our property, again, and so he threw a chocolate wrapper at the man's head to catch his attention…"

--

Gevanni glared at the three unruly looking boys, wondering why someone so underdressed was walking through the forest. "Hey!" Mello snapped his attention to the present. "What the hell are you doing in our woods?!"

"Your woods?" Gevanni scoffed. "This is government property!" Matt rolled his eyes.

"No shit, Sherlock! We are a part of the government! Don't you know that this property belongs to Whammy?" Gevanni began to sweat as he heard the name before he brought a hand to his jacket pocket. The three tensed.

"I'm just going to give you my ID!" Gevanni stressed, attempting to explain himself. "I'm an FBI agent and I came here with the President's son-"

"You left a kid in this forest on his lonesome?" Ryuuzaki raised a brow. Gevanni began to sweat harder.

"He's fifteen…He can take care of himself…"

"I doubt it." Mello sneered. "This whole neck of the woods is booby trapped with high quality killing devices." Gevanni gulped as Matt nodded in agreement.

"Boys…" Ryuuzaki warned.

"If he decided to wander," Matt smirked. "Then he might already be dead." The clearing plunged into silence. Gevanni's face drained of all color.

"No…He wouldn't wander…He's a good boy…" Ryuuzaki nodded, trying to placate his fears, but Mello's voice spoiled the moment.

"Yeah, but if he didn't want to be here then he might have already left-" Now panicking, Gevanni dropped the bucket of water he held and dashed back to where he'd left his charge. Bursting into the vacant clearing, he let out a sound of distress. Mello and Matt shared a guilty and horrified look as they burst into the clearing afterwards, seeing no one within. Gevanni grabbed at his heart.

"Oh dear lord…" He fell to the ground with a thump just as Ryuuzaki slouched into the clearing. Seeing the convulsing body, dark rimmed eyes turned to his two charges.

"Boys…"

"We didn't do it!"

--

Ryuuzaki gave a shake of his head as he thought back on the memory. Near let out a relieved sigh. "So, you didn't kill him then?"

"That's right. He died of natural causes." Near's eyes widened. Ryuuzaki chuckled. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. He's resting downstairs on the couch. He just…had a heart attack. But he's fine now." He scratched at his head with an embarrassed smile as the panic in Near's eyes vanished.

"Um…" Near trailed off as he replayed the earlier conversation in his head, his hand found itself in his hair as he began to twirl a strand of it. Ryuuzaki gave him an encouraging look. "Well…You know my name…?"

"Ah, yes. I had forgotten that wasn't public knowledge." Ryuuzaki nodded to himself before holding his hand out for a handshake. "Nate Rivers, I am L." Near's eyes widened as he dazedly took the hand held out before him.

"L? The detective L?"

"The one and only." A polite cough had their attention turning to the door, where Matt and Mello stood with raised brows. L gave them a frown, which they politely ignored, as they walked in. Mello pointed to himself and gave a haughty smirk.

"I'm-"

"Matt. I'm L's assistant. Nice to meet you, Nate." Near blinked, ignoring Mello as he glared and grumbled at Matt.

"Please, call me Near." Matt nodded and sat down on the bed, his eyes going to his hand as he un-paused his game. With another cough, eyes were diverted back to the blonde. "I'm Mello." He shot another glare at Matt. "And I'm L's successor." Near gapped.

"Enough about us though," L retook control of the conversation. "What are you doing out here, Near, on Whammy's property?" Near flushed.

"It wasn't by choice…" His hand returned to his hair. "Father wanted to get rid of me for awhile whilst he found himself a new First Lady. Since no one knows about me being conceived then…" He shrugged, uncomfortable, before continuing. "Anyway, I had asked to move in with my caretaker but, I guess father still has a use for me, because he won't let me." He frowned, thinking on it. Sometimes, he really hated his father. "Instead, he told Gevanni to take me camping here, because it's a secluded and government safe area, and he said he would smooth things over with Sir Watari before we got here."

"Well," L frowned. "I certainly never heard any word from Watari. Boys?" The two in question shook their heads. "Ah, well, let bygones be bygones I say. So, Near, how long until your vacation ends?" Near scowled.

"Another three months." Matt squealed, jumping on L with a grin.

"So, can we keep him?!" L gave a frown before his lips suddenly bloomed into a smile. Everyone shuddered.

--

Near held Gevanni's hands as they waved goodbye to their friends from their helicopter.

"Feel free to come back anytime Near!" Matt shouted, his game momentarily shut off. "I'll miss you!"

"Take us up on the offer soon," Mello added his two cents, taking a bite of the chocolate bar he had in his hands. "Because this is the only chance you'll ever get!" Near rolled his eyes.

"You're not L yet, Mello!" Speaking of him; Near turned to face the man that had allowed him to stay. L raised his brow to him before a smirk touched his lips.

"You're welcome to my bed anytime, bunny." Near blushed, reading the lips but not hearing the voice past the choppers, as Mello and Matt laughed when Gevanni, catching them, slid to block Near from view. He shot an annoyed glare at the three before slamming the door close. As they pulled into the air, L thought back on Near's three month vacation as a pet at their cabin. It was awkward at first, as Gevanni kept getting in the way of any progress, but once he'd booted the old man from the house…He grinned, remembering what they'd done to Near. Him sleeping in a cage, wearing a collar, the leather clothes, the ball and gag. Those smooth thighs wide open…His hands working up and down…His mouth wide open…and that moist tongue wrapped around…

"Ryuuzaki, you're drooling." L scowled, wiping off his lips.

"Can you blame me for it?" Mello and Matt shot him a surprised glance, making him pout. "Oh, c'mon. You don't get a natural like that everyday."

"True." Matt nodded in agreement. "I've never had my-play dough!-sucked like that before." Mello grinned.

"And it has been awhile since I enjoyed-baking fresh cookies!-" They turned to L. "What did you like the most about our little pet?" L rubbed his chin.

"Well…I suppose the part where he-loved!-my-friendship!- and then he tongued my-stamp collection!-" L frowned, eyes looking around suspiciously. "Boys…are we being censored?"

FIN

What the hell is wrong with me? I mean, really! I love L and Near together, it's my favorite Death Note pairing, but c'mon! Inserting random bits of fairy tales?! --' Ah, hell. Now I'm gonna haff ta do anudder! But which fairy tale? What pairing? And was anyone expecting a heart attack without Kira? XD I ended this rather quick, but I simply refuse to do a lemon for these two (for now). Aside from that, if anyone wants to do a lemon for them…

L: I know we were being censored.

Mello: You're just being paranoid.

Matt: Yeah. You'd think that -lollygagging!- Near would have a positive affect on you!

Near: Why would he be lollygagging?

Matt: I never said that. I said he was -lollygagging!- you.

Near & L:

Mello: …Is it me or are we being censored?