In a World Without You cont.
Part V: View from Farewell
"Why is it that two people can be perfect for each other…yet never be together?"
"Who ever said love guarantees you'll find happiness."
-Daisuke Niwa and Dark Mousy
"A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel…with an upturned face."
By: Mariah Carey
I stood, five feet back into the shadows of the ancient alley. My mind was racing faster than it had since she had first stepped into that innocent little classroom.
I was really going to do this.
I was really going to do this.
It was almost over, I assured myself. Fifteen more minutes and I wouldn't have to exist without her anymore. It was almost over.
I closed and thought of her. Her eyes, her face, her laugh, her smell, her smile. Bella… She had been my Bella. For however short a time. And for that I would take any punishment the afterlife had to offer, although I doubted it could be worse than this—worse than knowing she was gone, and I was to blame.
When you had eternity, time seemed to mean nothing—nothing at all.
Ironic how time would end up being the one thing I never had enough of. Time to tell her I loved her. Time to tell her I was sorry. Time to hold her, and kiss her, and let her know how wonderful, and perfect, and priceless, and utterly irreplaceable she was.
And now that proverbial clock had manifested above my head. Why did it continue to work after the very life force was gone? It didn't matter anyway. It was ticking towards my end, and I was grateful.
I was selfish.
I was a monster.
I hurt anyone and everyone I had ever cared for.
My parents—I had made them so distraught and now I was taking away their first son.
My siblings—I had made them worry, and now I was taking away their friend; their companion.
My Bella. Her most of all. I had loved her the most; cared for her more than anything on God's green earth. And I'd hurt her the most of all. Taken everything from her.
Perhaps if my efforts over that past century or so had counted for anything; had any merit, maybe it would earn me to see one more time— enough time to apologize for everything; give me a chance to apologize for ruining her life with my selfishness; my existence. Let her know how sorry I was. It was more than I could hope for.
I said a silent goodbye to Carlisle and Esme, more my mother and father than my biological parents ever could have been. I hoped they'd stay safe and happy, and not grieve too long.
I said goodbye to Alice, my closest friend in the dark years of my life. Aside from my parents, this would upset her the most. I was leaving her as the only freak among freaks, and for that I was sorry. I wished I could tell her how much she meant to me, but once again the irony of time struck me hard. But at least Jasper would help her. I could always count on him.
I said goodbye to the other of my siblings: Emmett and Rosalie. They always knew how to brighten a room. They would help the rest of them.
And to my home: Forks, Washington. More my home than my birthplace of Chicago, more so than any place we had ever lived. It was truly a place I could have imagined myself living for the rest of eternity.
I wished I could have said my last goodbyes there, among the dense network of green trees and bushes, cloaked in the haze of fog, the slight chill brushing against my skin like caressing fingers.
I sighed. But if there was one lesson I had learned thoroughly, it was that life never usually gives you what you want.
But that was never it, was it?
It wasn't life, or luck, ore a higher power that had reduced my life, and hers, to what it was now.
It had been my choices; my decisions that had doomed us both in the end.
How could I have ever criticized Romeo? It is so easy to follow his path, that although I had promised myself dozens of times I never would, I found myself stumbling along in his footsteps.
In essence, I had become Romeo.
Could I have destroyed my own happiness any more thoroughly?
Yet, after Shakespeare had written out the entire tale, I found myself surprised when my story found the same conclusion. Only this time, my Juliet wouldn't wake up after I had drunk my vial of poison; walked into my sunlight.
So, after all the self discipline, self doubt, self loathing, self depriving, here I stood, at the edge of an alley in Volterra, awaiting the sound from above to signal my death. I wondered vaguely how long, how many more ominous ticks and tocks were left. But only in passing. It didn't matter how much time I had—there would never be enough time.
I felt as if I could stand here forever, despite the pain, remembering everything I had ripped away from my life with my own two hands.
What a sick masochistic lion.
My hands were at my sides, my feet parallel, my jaw squared. My entire being hummed with energy—as if it could sense the end coming. I supposed there were only a few more minutes left. Two? Three? What did it matter? I was determined not to dwell on time, with only a handful of minutes remaining. I was determined to keep my thoughts on her.
Of Bella. Of her smiling face. Of the way her eyes lit up whenever she saw me. Of the way she sighed my name as she slept. Of her lovely, wonderful voice—so clear in my head, it was almost as if she was here with me.
Dong… The first chime sounded.
How strange. Her voice was so clear.
"Edward, no!" I must've gone crazy, I concluded. I wondered briefly if it was possibly for a vampire to reach insanity, but snapped my mind back to the important topic. She sounded so close—so…real. But she was gone. And it was my fault.
I focused on the day in the meadow, the night I'd stayed with her for the first time, out kisses…the way her warm lips felt against mine…so real.
I would never feel the world the way I felt Bella.
"No!" The Bella in my mind screamed. "Edward, look at me!" If she were here, she would surely disapprove of this plan. But I couldn't stand living in a world without her. And besides, she wasn't here. And never would be.
The clock chimed again:
It was time.
I raised my foot, preparing to take the step that would take me directly into the path of the sunlight.
Goodbye. I love you, was my last thought.
END OF PART 5
Hmm, Idk. Should I end there, or continue on? This is so much fun to work on. It seems the character in Twilight I can most get into their head is Edward. ^_^
So thoughts on what you thought, and to continue, or not to continue.