Disclaimer: I don't own any Harry Potter characters. They all belong to J.K. Rowling, bless her little heart. This is a parody- As such it was written in pure jest and simply makes a mockery out of Draco Malfoy fangirls. If you don't like it, I don't care.
Draco Malfoy- Pimp of Pimps
It's class time and he's sitting in the Dungeons thinking dirty thoughts to himself.
"Bloody hell," he zones out. "McGonagall looked good enough to eat this morning."
Draco Malfoy is rudely removed from his lustfilled thoughts by his greasy haired teacher, Snivelus Snape.
"Get out of here Dracypoo!" Snape shouted as he kicked the boy in his behind with his red high heels. "I need to wash my hair!"
With a sigh, Draco gathered his books and slid them in his green man purse. "Bye hun!" he called over his shoulder as he slammed the dungeon door shut.
Finally alone, Snape let out a sigh and slipped off his red heels and let out a moan of pleasure as the red lipstick glided over his dry lips. Finally. "Bloody things are killing my arches," he muttered as he poured himself a glass of wine.
His enemy Mr. Mushroom walks in, reeking of fungus, as usual. Snape rolls his eyes and thinks
about how much he'd like to just smoke his friend up in one hit, but resists the urge. For now.
Mr. Mushroom walks over to the table and takes off his hat. He looks at Snape with a look of utter hate and says "Roo-fi-OOOOOoooo" and then takes a seat.
Enraged, Snape grabs his stiletto, and with the hell, draws an imaginary line on the floor and looks over at the house elf that just appeared.
"No! I am Peter Pan!" he shouts.
Confused the ugly little creatures looks back and fourth between the two obviously crazed individuals and takes a hesitant step back.
Mr. Mushroom puts the tumbleweed he had been carrying onto the table and throws down his silverware. He stands up and takes a cigar out of his mouth. With a Clint Eastwood expression he says "My, what a lovely tea party!" Then he gave Snape a kidney punch he would never forget.
Then he sat back down in the bean bag chair that magically appeared out of nowhere. Enjoying its squishiness and the sudden silence that filled the room, Mr. Mushroom pulls out his 'happy' pipe and smokes it dry.
After getting a good buzz, he realizes he is bored, and since Snape is out cold, he has no one to taunt. He completely forgets about the confused house elf still lurking in the room, and instead pulls out his flute and plays a sweet, sweet melody.
And in a number of seconds, he had called forth...
He smirked at her and she smiled, revealing her yellow teeth and inch wide gap. "Well hello there again Mush-e!" she smiled and curtsied, causing her to tip over due to the fact that she was now severely obese and couldn't walk without the help of a walker.
Instead of helping her up, he just watched her roll about on the floor like a trapped turtle.
"I've fallen and I can't get up!" she cried as she spotted the house elf and attempted to eat him.
"I'll get you!" she shouted as she tried to roll towards him. "Oohh! You look like a nasty little babbbay! Get in my bellay!"
Stroking his goatee of rotted fungus, Mr. Mushroom finally stood, tired of all the fun and games. "You've let yourself go and I'm terribly ashamed to see your fat arse. I have no choice but to destroy you."
She managed to crawl to her knees and got down on the floor in front of him. "Please! Don't kill me!" she looked down at the ground. "I will bestow upon you one gift that will rock your world!"
Intrigued, Mr. Mushroom demanded that she give him the gift.
With a smile she disappeared into thin air, leaving behind a stark white unicorn. Mr. Mushroom stared at the beautiful creature amazed, even as Snape suddenly stumbled to his feet.
"Bloody hell!" he straightened his garter belt. "Why's there a unicorn in my classroom Shroomy?"
Unable to answer, he simply pointed at the glorious creature.
"Well bloody hell," Snape muttered as he slid his heels back on. "I have a class coming in soon. Get rid of this thing!"
"Have you seen the new girl?" Flint ,the retarded guy that had been obviously on some sort of pig steroid since the age of seven, asked.
Draco shrugged his shoulders and tried to scratch his bum without anybody noticing. "Why? Is she totally hot and so unattainable in real life that I'd want to shag her while playing the brand new PS3 that I have never heard of?" Draco asked absentmindedly.
Flint nodded and grunted like a pig. "She's a sexy piece of arse, aye," he pointed over to the
Gryffindor table where the new girl sat. "Vega McWankerdoodle is her name."
Upon seeing her perfect face, gorgeous green eyes, and long black hair, Draco had his mind set.
He would have her.
Stuffing a large tube sock into his pants to create a bulge that would never exist otherwise, Draco smirked and walked over to the Gryffindor table.
He found himself standing next to the beautiful young woman, and he smirked before noticing that she was sitting with the blasted Harry Potter boy and his two idiot friends. Talk about the Three Stooges.
"I don't believe we've met," he held out his crusty, covered in what appeared to be 'hair gel', hand to the lovely woman.
She frowned before taking his hand gingerly and giving it a good shake. "I'm Vega McWankerdoodle," she smiled hesitantly. "And you are?"
Ron Weasley butted in and sighed. "He's a bloody ferret git, Vega. Just stay away from him."
Enraged, Draco whipped out his wand and accidentally caused his belt to loosen from around his pants. He blushed in horror as he stood there in his rainbow colored tighty whities. The huge tube sock fell to the floor.
"He's a stuffer!" Harry Potter jumped to his feet and laughed loudly as he pointed at the sock on the floor and then gasped. "And he's wearing rainbow underwear?"
A hush fell over the Great Hall and his eyes never left Vega's. She stood slowly and walked over to him, kneeling down and helping him pull up his pants. There was a certain sorrow in her eyes.
Could it be that she felt pity for him?
"And they say 'My Little Pony' on the back," she sighed, her voice bringing a smile to his face.
She leaned forward and burped loudly in his face, the oniony scent bringing tears to his eyes.
She turned away from him and walked over to Professor Dumbledore, who had suddenly adorned a large purple hat with a big feather sticking out of it.
He grinned at Draco, a silver cap flashing in the bright light. He whipped out his staff which suddenly transfigured into a brilliant pimp cane and grinned.
"Bitches and hoes, words and rhymes. Stay clear of this bitch," he tapped his cane on the ground and they both disappeared. "She's mine, mine, mine!" his voice echoed.
Saddened and humiliated, Draco ran crying from the Great Hall with his arms flapping about.
How was it the Headmaster stole the girl of his dreams away from him?
He found himself in the dungeons in front of Snape's class. Realizing for the first time that everyone in the entire world hated his guts, save for the arselusting young girls that posted rather erotic stories about him on some muggle thing called Quizilla, Draco decided to see what his teacher was up to.
He gasped in surprise at the sight he beheld.
Professor Snape was laying on his back on a desk, his tongue rolled out of his mouth, obviously sleeping.
He stepped foward and something squishy stuck to his shoes. A fungus like smell permeated the room and he felt suddenly nauseous. That's when he noticed a beautiful unicorn laying in the corner, its eyes open wide and blood shot.
"Who dere?" a frizzy head suddenly appeared on the other side of Snape.
Draco swallowed the vomit that had suddenly rose to his throat and gaped at Professor Umbridge. In all her... extreme nudity.
She wagged her eyebrows and him and then suddenly passed out, her face landing in the middle of Snape's crotch. Snape shot up, pushing Umbridge's fat body off of him and onto the floor. He kicked off what appeared to be ruby red heels and stumbled towards Draco. He seemed to be searching for something.
"Sir?" Draco asked apprehensively. "What's going on?"
Snape turned and glared at him. "We have to find the mystic flute!" he slurred his words. "We have to send the unicorn back before the space time reality falls apart and the whole world's sucked into a wormhole!"
Nodding, but still confused, Draco searched the fungus covered floor until he found what resembled a wooden flute. Picking it up he handed it to Snape who wiped the fungus off on his cloak.
"What is this stuff sir?" Draco asked as the gooey stuff stuck to his shoe.
Snape grinned and thought back to how tripping his good friend had been. "Mr. Mushroom," he said simply. He handed Draco the flute back and nodded his head. "Just play whatever comes to you," he said sternly. "It has to come from the heart!"
Taking a deep breath, Draco closed his eyes and played the first thing that came to his head.
It just happened to be EYE OF THE TIGER.
Letting out a shriek that cracked the wine glass discarded on the desk, Draco tried to hide behind Snape but was too late.
Rocky Balboa appeared out of nowhere, his face bloodied and his American flag tailored shorts on and his boxing gloves.
"Ehhh," he looked angry. "Whut's going on?"
Snape ripped the flute out of Draco's grasp and hit him over the head with it. "You bloody idiot!" he shouted. "You were supposed to send the unicorn away! Not bring some freak to us!"
Growling in anger, Rocky grabbed Snape and dragged him into the supply closet.
Draco held his hands to his ears tightly as he listened to the moaning and screaming coming from it.
"No!" Snape shouted. "Please no!" he paused. "Oh Oh. Well... I must say... That is rather... nice!"
Draco's eyes widened in fear as the huge boxer walked out, dragging Snape behind him. He suddenly transformed into a large tiger and growled at Draco.
"I require a virginal sacrifice!" it growled.
Snape shrugged and looked at Umbridge; who shrugged and looked at the unicorn; who shrugged and looked at the house elf that was humping the unicorn's leg; who looked at Draco.
He gulped. "I er I'm not a virgin," he mumbled under his breath.
The lion roared and BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES suddenly started playing out of nowhere.
"Silly boy," Snape sneered. "Your hand and tube sock do not count!"
Gulping again, Draco took a shaky step forward. "What are you going to do?" he asked the huge lion.
Opening its mouth wide, the lion ate Draco whole.
Silence filled the room as it picked its teeth. It groaned and rubbed its side.
Suddenly the new student, Vega McWankerdoodle reappeared, Dumbledore by her side.
She placed her hand on her hips and stared at the now purring lion. "What's the matter?" she smiled. "Constipation got you down?"
Dumbledore did a spin and went down to the splits before popping back up and grasping Vega around her waist.
"He really thought he could have you Vega," Dumbledore suddenly transformed into Lord Voldemort. "Didn't he?"
Vega laughed and thought back to the shallow boy that actually thought he could get in her pants. She leaned up and french kissed her father deeply, causing him to purr in delight.
"Draco Malfoy had nothing to offer me," she said stiffly. "Prince of Slytherin my ass."
Listening intently, they heard a whimper come from the inside of the tiger's belly.
"I'll be back! And you will be mine, swine!"
Whipping out his wand, Voldemort destroyed the lion, the witchy wizard inside of him, and the wardrobe that held Snape's girly clothes, all at once.
"Come along everyone," Vega smiled as she stepped through the goo. "I heard Bob Saget's doing a special in the library."
And with a loud cheer they all hooked arms and went tralloping down the hallways, singing
WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE GEEZER.
A/N: I wrote this forever ago. It was fun. Hope you enjoyed it!